Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Yankees-Angels game 4 recap

The Yanks came back strong from their first loss of the postseason and put up 10 on the helpless Angels. But don’t let the score fool you, this game certainly wasn’t lacking in the entertainment department. Here were my favorite moments…

- Scott Kazmir making the decision early on that since he couldn’t find rhythm or consistency, he would just pitch as slow as humanly possible. I see the logic, hoping the ump might get distracted by something in the crowd in his downtime, then in a panic call a strike he didn’t see. The downside though, was that the first four innings of this game ran just under 4 hours.

- 3rd base umpire Tim McClelland beginning his stellar night of complete ineptitude by calling Nick Swisher out for leaving early on a tag up in which he clearly had not. Though to be fair, maybe McClelland was just setting the world right being that Swisher had been called safe on a pick off at second moments earlier, when he was clearly out and should not even still have been on the base paths. In any case, umpiring has reached the summit of Mount Useless this postseason.

- Tex finally picks up a hit, then A-Rod drives him in with yet another home run. Following the game a jubilant Rodriguez would slap Reggie Jackson and demand he hand over the rights to the Mr. October monicker.

- Jorge Posada somehow advancing only from second to third on Robbie Cano’s booming double to center field. Although Torii Hunter did pull out the old school “pretend to catch it when it’s twenty feet over your head” move in center field, I see that one showing up on the next And 1 Mixtape.

- After getting a fresh coat of white-out put on his finger nails in the dugout, Jorge Posada swipes them under Nick Swisher’s nose causing the outfielder to pop up in his seat. Have we just discovered the secret to Nick Swisher’s happy-go-lucky “high on life” attitude?

- Perhaps setting the bar for most retarded 30 seconds in playoff history, Posada and Cano find themselves both at third and in a moment of epic stupidity, decide neither of them should go back to the bag as Angels catcher Mike Napoli tags them out. But hold the phone, who’s the 3rd base umpire? Tim McClelland, who only calls Posada out because that crafty Cano just put his foot on the bag and acted nonchalant, and that was more than enough to convince McClelland he’d been there the whole time. Playoff umpires… best of the best.

- Kendry Morales absolutely blasts a neck high Sabathia fastball into center to start off CC’s first tough inning, prompting Tim McCarver to temporarily back off his theory that Sabathia could pitch 80 more innings if necessary.

- A dominating 7th inning by Sabathia has McCarver and Joe Buck not even talking about the game, but rather sharing stories that explain why CC is not only an amazing pitcher, but possibly the greatest man alive. In commentator terms, this is the baseball equivalent to “Favre-ing” someone.

- A-Rod adds a single and another run for good measure. Anyone else starting to think Kate Hudson has a detailed ’stats-to-sexual favors’ formula that has Alex filling up the box scores?

- Chad Gaudin is inserted in the 9th inning to close it out in the Yankees’ “sorry we haven’t used you in 127 innings” moment.

- McCarver and Buck point out that it is the 99th birthday of the voice of Yankee Stadium Bob Sheppard, saying he is affectionately known around the old stadium as the “voice of God.” Seems a bit overdone, but in all fairness Sheppard was hanging out with God back when everyone just called him “Jerry.” In all seriousness though a well deserved happy birthday to a man the fans truly miss having around.

- Yankee skipper Joe Girardi reveals that A-Rod and CC will start Thursday's game 5... alone... on short rest........ blindfolded.

- I give all the credit in the world to Pat Sajak, who is still going strong in the 9th and refuses to leave early. The longtime Wheel of Fortune host needed only to buy one vowel to complete his postgame reaction puzzle: S-H—T!

- Gaudin throws his hat in the ring for heir to Mariano’s throne with a 1-2-3 inning. See you in the next complete blowout Chad!

- A final shot in the commentator booth reveals Joe Buck’s oversized head snapping back and dispensing a giant Pez candy for Tim McCarver’s postgame enjoyment.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Ten Bold Predictions for the 2009 NFL Season

After an extended hiatus, your Errant Balls are ready to make their triumphant return. To my loyal readers, I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience or displeasure this may have cost the four of you. It was never my intention to alienate my loyal base, but when it comes down to it there are just a few things that can get in the way of blogging mostly drunken, while sometimes slightly humorous weekly articles completely absent of progress or profit. But I digress.
What's important is that Errant Balls is back, and just in time to fill you in on my generally heinous, yet not entirely impossible predictions for the 2009 NFL season... Enjoy!

- The Jets new hotshot rookie quarterback will cost Chris Berman a hefty fine from the FCC when the ESPN host refers to him as Mark "Dirty" Sanchez in his week 3 highlights.

- Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will avoid further trouble when he explains his little domestic mishap wasn't meant to be a violent act, but was in fact a social commentary on the sad state of today's entertainment industry... then, God willing, he will find Tila Tequila and finish the job.

- In an effort to make light of their reputation for trouble with the law, the Cincinnati Bengals will take a page out of the 1985 Bears book and create a hit rap video known as "The Shawshank Shuffle."

- Raiders owner Al Davis will once again make headlines when he trades Oakland's 2011 and 2012 first round picks to the Patriots for the heart of a ritually sacrificed Himalayan mountain goat.

- The Philadelphia Eagles will enjoy a dominant season thanks to their offseason acquisition of the dynamic Michael Vick, who will run the "Wildcat" offense flawlessly, as though he has already had years of experience as the general in charge of an organized, yet chaotic, animal-centric scheme.

- Rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford will struggle mightily after being handed the keys to run the Detroit Lions. He will avoid harsh scrutiny however, when it is pointed out that the Lions were assembled by General Motors.

- The Colts will draw an unusual amount of delay of game penalties, when super pitchman Peyton Manning tries to maximize his profits by squeezing live endorsements in between audibles at the line of scrimmage.

- Much maligned Tennessee Titan Vince Young's mental stability and quarterbacking ability will once again be called into question when he throws himself off a highway overpass, only to be intercepted by a pickup truck full of packing peanuts passing below.

- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will suffer his second public embarrassment in the new Cowboy Stadium, when a week six shot of him on his tremendous, but too-low jumbotron reveals he jots his game notes down in a Hello Kitty spiral notebook.

- The Minnesota Viking's signing of fickle QB Brett Favre will eventually backfire, when a devastated Favre leaves the team at mid-season upon realizing the artificial turf in the Metrodome is completely un-mowable.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bold MLB predictions for the second half

With baseball's second half officially under way, it's time to start speculation on what we'll be looking back on at year's end.  Who will make an unlikely run to the playoffs?  Who will fall apart?  Whose greasy hair product will cost their team dearly?
Well here at Errant Balls, we say "why wait?"  Sure you can sit back and actually watch the 2009 season play out.  OR, you could put your trust in an unresearched and shoddily put together blog that may or may not be written from a Blackberry while watching the recently released Blockbuster DVD of Watchmen.  Let's just put it this way, one will take a whole lot less time, and isn't that the American way?  
So read on, and believe every word of it, just so we don't have to say "I told you so" in November...

- Following a 5 game losing streak that kills their chances in the Central division, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will say something so crude in his post game conference, that an appalled Andrew Dice Clay watching at home will faint where he stands.

- The Phillies signing of veteran Pedro Martinez will eventually ruin their chances to repeat as World Series champs, when slugger Ryan Howard is lost for the season after slipping on the excess drippings of Pedro's Soul-Glo in the locker room and severely tearing his ACL.

- Manny Ramirez will again be suspended for violating the terms of the league's substance abuse policies when he tests positive for the birth control pill, Purina Beggin' Strips, and three times the legal limit of Elmer's non-toxic all-purpose paste

- In an unprecedented effort to "boost their farm system," the Pirates will trade infielders Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson, along with the rights to their home stadium PNC Park before the July 31st trade deadline.  The once proud franchise will subsequently be relocated to a suburban Pittsburgh-area high school field for the remainder of the season.

- Orioles manager Dave Trembley will make a sad attempt at alleviating yet another losing season in Baltimore, promising fans at the season's final home game that at the very least he can find them exceptionally low prices on off-season hotels and airfare.

- Previously thought to be on the DL for only a few weeks at most, Mets manager Jerry Manuel will deliver the sad news on August 1st that the team's collective dignity is officially lost for the year and will require off-season surgery.

- After 23 different All-Stars hit the 15-day DL in September, the stock of energy product manufacturer Phiten USA will plummet after it is realized that exposure of 5 months or more to their popular necklaces can cause severe and uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea.  

- The Yankees will play out the remainder of the regular season failing to beat the Red Sox, but will somehow win the division and avoid them in the playoffs en route to winning their 27th World Series.  Hal Steinbrenner will declare the 2009 season an unabashed failure and immediately fire manager Joe Girardi.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

2009 MLB All-Star Game running diary

It's our yearly tradition (going strong now for the second year in a row) of bringing you a running diary of baseball's mid-summer classic. The All-Star game is a rare opportunity to see stars from all across the league gathered in one place, making them far easier targets. And thanks to the fact that the league is still under contract with Fox, we're assured plenty of material from sources other than the players as well. To sum up, it basically writes itself, but we'll take the credit.
So here it is... the 2009 MLB All-Star game running diary!

8:03- Has anyone ever noticed that Fox's Chris Rose looks like he could easily be the love child of Tom Arnold and Ryan Seacrest?

8:04- Obama's time in the locker room is highlighted by him messing around with Ryan Howard for not winning the HR derby, and Howard subsequently giving him the "if you weren't the leader of the free world I would slap you silly" look.

8:06- This Bank of America commercial has me wondering how they came to the decision to use Kiefer Sutherland as the voice of their ads. After all, nothing says sound financial institution like a celebrity with a penchant for binge drinking and head butting.

8:10- The team intros have begun, and Joe Torre's nose now officially makes up 95.8% of his face.

8:12- Legitimately thought Metallica lead singer James Hetfield had made the NL squad before they said who St. Louis closer Ryan Franklin was.

8:16- Chase Utley made it through this year's intros without dropping an F-bomb on camera, but I like to think that in his heart he really wanted to.

8:17- The game's best hitter receives a rousing hometown reception. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd hear 46,000 people chanting "Poooo-holes."

8:22- Really enjoyed the poignant "All-Stars among us" segment with the former presidents recognizing some exceptional American citizens. Though I totally expected George W. Bush to give them all credit for raising awarity in their communities.

8:23- Former president Jimmy Carter is my new nightmare... he looks exactly like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

8:29- The network that brought you groundbreaking series such as "The Simpsons" and "Married with Children" is taking yet another giant leap forward in television innovation... Airing this fall, "Brothers" starring Michael Strahan... there are no words.

8:37- The hall of fame Cardinals make their way out to the field in bright red blazers and ties. Anyone watching in a bar with the sound off genuinely thinks they are a barbershop quartet about to perform the National Anthem.

8:39- President Obama's ceremonial first pitch is a high looping curve, but not bad. I give him 5th for the best presidential throw ever, and 1st for the highest pants ever worn out to the mound... ever.

8:42- Thanks to Tim McCarver's complete inability to sell subtle metaphors, any casual fans watching the game now think 25 year old NL starter Tim Lincecum actually has a bionic arm.

8:44- Just counted, Taco Bell's new bacon burrito commercial actually says the word bacon 8 times. Enjoy the new taco bacon burrito bacon with bacon, cheese topped with bacon and bacon potatoes bacon. For a limited time only at Taco Bacon.... bacon.

8:54- Anyone who just flipped the game on was greeted by McCarver rambling about AL catcher Joe Mauer's constant left hand pounding, with Joe Buck immediately insisting he has the prettiest left hand stroke you'll ever see. Juvenile masturbation jokes follow in living rooms everywhere.

8:57- The AL scores their first run off an Albert Pujols error; St. Louis fans begin coming to terms with the fact that the second round appearance in the HR derby was the best they're getting this weekend.

9:09- Once daily SPIRIVA will apparently help clear the airways of asthma sufferers, with the trivial side effects of constipation and trouble passing urine. So breathe easy America... until you fill up with doodies and wee-wee and die.

9:11- Roy Halladay's non-stickered helmet makes it obvious that no team wants to be associated with his All-Star at bat.

9:20- Obama, now a DC resident, just referred to the Nationals as the only team whose fans have absolutely no hope this season. If I were the president I'd expect a pretty solid toilet paper job on the White House when I get home... you just pissed off the wrong 3 fans buddy!

9:49- Zack Greinke just entered the game as the first legitimate All-Star representative of the Kansas City Royals in 106 years.

9:58- Joe Buck just pointed out how much faster Carl Crawford might be if he actually pulled his pants up. Joe my friend, you are approaching curmudgeonly at an alarming rate.

10:00- Fox needs to fire their caricature artist ASAP. The cartoon of Jeter they just showed during his at bat looked like Rodney Dangerfield in a Yankee uniform.

10:15- Reliever Trevor Hoffman enters the game, he looks old enough to be Stan Musial's coach.

10:21- Fox cares so little about this actual game that they just tagged defensive replacement Jason Bartlett as Ben Zobrist and no one said a thing.

10:24- It is now clear that the previous error was due to their extreme focus on the impending non-verbal plug for their creepy sci-fi show "Fringe."

10:28- It took 7 innings but I am officially ashamed that someone can mow St. Louis' historical old courthouse and gateway arch into the outfield grass and I can't even get my Ipod to stop freezing.

10:36- Carl Crawford's leaping catch of a possible home run just saved reliever Jonathan Papelbon from the devastating prospect of an inning without a self righteous celebration at the end.

10:44- Nice moment showing Derek Jeter hanging out with Mariano Rivera's teenage son, and I assume sharing with him the finer points of trawling for celebrity ass.

10:46- National league manager Charlie Manuel pulls the baseball equivalent of taking out the kid with the club foot in dodgeball, ordering an All-Star game intentional walk of Victor Martinez.

10:50- Manuel's plan backfires when Orioles' star Adam Jones hits a sac fly to give the AL the lead. Adam Joneses everywhere are praying they will soon be associated with this talented young man rather than a certain stripper loving, law hating cornerback.

10:57- Really enjoying Atlanta catcher Brian McCann's full beard and glasses look. He should audition for the role of "Tech guy" in an upcoming heist movie.

11:05- McCarver just dropped the bombshell that slugger Ryan Howard likes the ball over the plate... Tim, you are truly a wealth of knowledge.

11:15- Really enjoyed the Gillette commercial where Tiger Woods tries to pay for body wash with a giant check. That's all... giant novelty items are funny. Just ask Burt Reynolds.

11:22- Mariano Rivera induces a Miguel Tejada pop-out to seal the game for the AL in a paltry 2 hours and 31 minutes. Funny, between the vocal stylings of McCarver and Buck and being inundated by upwards of 3,000 Taco Bell commercials I could've sworn this was another 15 inning affair.

11:29- Carl Crawford is named the MVP for making a catch that stopped the other team from tying the game... in the 7th inning. Needless to say that sums up this riveting experience.

11:31- Without much reflection I've determined I was far more entertained by Magic Johnson's speech at the Michael Jackson funeral special than I was by the All-Star game... until next year readers!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Week in Pictures

The equation is plain and simple: (Slow sports week + lack of time - the desire to think of fresh and original material) x the amount of beers I have consumed thus far this week = The Week in Pictures!

"Okay, now just try not to burst out in laughter on your way down to first... dead kittens, dead kittens, dead kittens."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

2009 NBA Draft Analysis

With the NBA draft only a day away, we're running out of time to give you our very own brand of analysis for the top prospects for the '09 class. Sure, any sports site can tell you that so and so can shoot the lights out, or that such and such a point guard has Steve Nash-like passing skills, but is that really enough? Not for the true fan. So take a look at our truly in-depth breakdown of the hottest players on the market, in Errant Balls' 2009 NBA Draft Analysis.

Blake Griffin
Positives- Strength and athleticism have him NBA ready now... Will immediately be a draw for crowds... Apparently is happy to play for the Clippers (jump on this before he realizes which LA team you are!)
Negative- Severe concussion suffered last season could be the motivator behind his eagerness to join the Clippers tradition
Where should he go?- Whether he really wants to or not, Blake Griffin is going to be a Clipper. It has been made abundantly clear that there will be no suspense when it comes to this year's first overall pick. So where should he go? Probably to those self-help meetings held at Michael Olowokandi's house titled: I'm a Clipper, and I'm going to be okay...

Ricky Rubio
Positives- Pro experience overseas has given him toughest competition possible... At the age of 18 he still has a ton of upside... "Pistol" Pete Maravich haircut allows him to be a true creator with the ball in his hands
Negative- Might just be a tanner version of "White Chocolate" Jason Williams
Where should he go?- It's tough to say where Rubio truly should go in this draft. He could be taken anywhere from 2-6 and could easily find himself in Memphis, Oklahoma City, Sacramento, or Minnesota. All possibilities of which I'm sure the young guard is thrilled about. In the end, it's just a shame that Las Vegas doesn't have a pro team, because that is the town where Ricky belongs. Just say his name out loud and tell me you couldn't see throngs of tourists living it up at the luxurious Ricky Rubio Hotel and Casino.

Hasheem Thabeet
Positives- Shot blocking prowess will make immediate defensive impact... Raw physical build gives room for improvement... 7'3" stature adds possibility that he may be the next Greg Oden
Negative- ... he may be the next Greg Oden
Where should he go?- In all likelihood it seems that the Grizzlies would be wise to lock Thabeet up with the number 2 pick. The Grizz haven't had a true inside presence since they traded Pau Gasol for a bushel of potatoes, and could really use a big man to shore up their defense. And on the upside for Thabeet, he'll have a few years to improve his game in Memphis before GM Chris Wallace trades him to a title contender for sixpence and a plowing ox.

Stephen Curry
Positives- Easily the purest shooter in the draft... Dad Dell Curry proves he has the NBA pedigree... Boyish appearance will allow him to sneak into opponent's practices under the guise of an autograph seeker
Negative- Teammates may be distracted by his hot mom in the stands
Where should he go?- The Knicks showed a ton of interest in Curry right off the bat, and true to form, cast a light on exactly why other teams should take a good hard look at him. Thanks to their generosity and open drooling over Curry, they have all but assured he won't land in New York. Nice job dipsh*ts. So while he should have gone to the big city, look for Steph to land in either Minnesota or Sacramento.

Tyreke Evans
Positives- Quintessential freshman talent who could have made the jump straight from high school... Short Memphis tenure had him learning much under John Calipari... It should be at least a full season before his fraudulent SAT's and free family flight allegations come to light
Negative- Conference USA experience may have him convinced every team aside from his is nothing more than a whipping post
Where should he go?- Evans is another guy who could go anywhere from 3-8. His tough build and slashing ability make him an interesting prospect for all the teams involved. But we'll guess he winds up in Minnesota, under the assumption that by the time the draft rolls around the Wolves will have traded for the rights to picks 2-21.

Tyler Hansbrough
Positives- Could easily be called the hardest working player in the draft... Toughness on the boards will add to any team lacking in the paint... Eyes are wide enough to provide great court vision, and the ability to see what will happen up to three plays in advance
Negative- Game-winning shot celebrations are not NBA ready
Where should he go?- Plain and simple, Tyler Hansbrough belongs on the Utah Jazz. Look at him... look at them. Tyler's workmanship and all out effort would fit perfectly with Jerry Sloan's tough guy style, and the raucous Utah crowds would go batty for his ferocious play in the key. This would be the most logical pickup of the sports year... that is until the Cincinnati Bengals sign Plaxico Burress.

Brandon Jennings
Positives- Decision to skip college and play overseas proves he's anxious for the NBA... Has looked promising in preseason workouts alongside Steph Curry and Gerald Henderson... 7.6 ppg average in Euroleague action should translate to 3.1 ppg in the NBA, instant production baby
Negative- 80's style Gumby haircut makes him the most likely candidate to show up to the draft dressed like the ghost of Bernie Mac
Where should he go?- Jennings is a tough player to place, because if he drops past the Knicks at 8 he could take a huge draft day slide. But for now, let's say he's the type of pick that is destined for New York. He has the athleticism and upside to tempt them just enough... along with the downside and complete bust possibility to be the next perfect "I can't believe we took this friggin' guy instead of..." pick for the Knicks (see: Renaldo Balkman over Rajon Rondo in '06).

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The sports star Twitter feed

Everyone has seen and heard about the mad craze that is Twitter. While Facebook and Myspace clearly cannot supply us with a sufficient amount of inane detail on the lives of others, Twitter can do just that. After all, how would any of my loyal followers get through the day without knowing my every move and receiving essential minute to minute updates on my activity like:

just left the house after dropping a wicked deuce... pretty sure i was a few wipes short! :O
about 1 hour ago from twitterberry

And as all of you sports nuts know, Twitter has become a huge hit with professional athletes. Guys like Shaquille O'Neal and Chris Bosh says it gives them a chance to interact on a more personal level with fans. And the fans have obliged with over 1 million and almost 25,000 following the two respectively (ouch, maybe a few dropped Bosh after Shaq called him the RuPaul of big men).
In any case, it has come to our attention that not everyone is fully aware of what they are missing on Twitter. So it is with great pleasure that we use the infinite insider hook ups of Errant Balls to give the fans an exclusive look at the juciest Twitter posts of some of the biggest names in sports today... enjoy!

Manny Ramirez
feelin great about this season so far, i love LA!
11:46 AM May 5th from web

cant believe im out for 50 games for that! i thought it was allowed now that arod admitted it
9:32 PM May 9th from web

enjoying my time off, got back into collecting pogs and traded for a sweet kung fu panda slammer today!
7:52 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Kobe Bryant
just finished off melo and the nuggets, headed to the finals again! glad to be out of denver tho, theyre not very nice...
11:01 PM May 29th from web

magic johnson just asked me if winning w/o shaq would be more special. like i needed shaq... wtf? lmfao!!!
5:26 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

watching tape of dwight howard, thinking we should just bring adam morrison in to dropkick him in his supersized sack
12:43 AM June 3rd from web

Tom Brady
just had first practice back, knee is feeling great... theres nothing i cant do!
6:12 PM May 27th from Twitterberry

just ran full speed up to a cop and grabbed his gun, when he saw who i was he chuckled jovially and took my pic... theres nothing i cant do!
2:29 PM May 31st from Twitterberry

just told gisele to shut up and make me a sandwich... seriously... theres NOTHING i cant do!
12:03 PM June 3rd from web

Shaquille O'Neal
cant believe its a magic-lakers final. neither can win without the diesel tho, predicting a tie
1:21 AM May 31st from web

kobe told magic johnson i couldnt have won without him... omg! wtf? LMFAO!!!
11:57 PM June 2nd from web

thinking of pulling a sacha baren-cohen on kobe at the finals so he can really tell the world how my ass tastes
10:33 AM June 3rd from web

LeBron James
completely shocked we're going home, expected the world this season
12:34 AM May 31st from Twitterbug

sorry i didnt shake hands after the game, but i poop my pants when severely devastated. the world didnt need to see that
11:47 AM June 1st from web

that kobe-lebron muppet commercial where he breaks my balls about championship rings is really starting to piss me off!
8:13 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

John Calipari
sorry to hear about the troubles at memphis, but totally focused on UK
8:16 AM May 23rd from web

shouldve known derek rose's 1600 SAT was too good to be true
10:52 PM May 31st from web

had no idea derek's brother was catching free flights on us, thought that kid was a flight attendant
1:21 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Carlos Beltran
supposed to finally get in the game tonite, cant wait to take down pittsburgh!
3:02 PM June 2nd from web

just yacked my brains out all over d-wrights cleats... stuck in the bathroom :*(
6:17 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

missed 3 games now w/ this stomach virus. pretty sure the pirates gave me scurvy
11:21 PM June 2nd from web

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The NBA Conference Finals in Pictures

The 2009 NBA playoffs have been a total blast.  Full of hard fouls, close games, and buzzer beaters, they have been an absolute pleasure to watch thus far.  And luckily, the conference finals haven't been any different.
But rather than bore you with statistical breakdowns or genuinely intuitive and knowledgeable articles about these crucial series, Errant Balls will once again be your source for the number one way Americans (namely anyone who is amused by our postings in particular) choose to get their information... with pretty pictures from the internet!
So enjoy this post of the NBA conference finals in pictures, and thank us for not asking you to strain your brainpower later...

"Dude, you gotta see the replay of that shot. Marv Albert screamed so loud his toupee ran off."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Superstar To-Do Lists

After a few weeks off, Errant Balls is back in the swing of not-for-profit blogging... you're welcome world.  
In the time since we've been gone, quite a bit has gone down in the world of sporting news.  So here's a little slice of the everyday lives of the guys we've heard so much about.  It's a peek onto the refrigerator Post-It note of the superstar athlete, with "Superstar To-Do Lists."

MANNY RAMIREZ: LA Dodgers outfielder, after being suspended for 50 games for failing MLB drug 
- Send bacne treatment kits to all of the loyal fans who maintain their seats in the Mannywood section of Dodger Stadium
- Return to former supplement policy of never ingesting anything that isn't colorful and/or shaped like a Flintstones character

LEBRON JAMES: Cleveland Cavaliers superstar, upon reaching the Eastern Conference Finals
- Appear in more commercials daily than the ShamWow guy 4
- Use opportunity to ask Dwight Howard for permission to jump over him and dunk Nate Robinson in next year's contest
- Increase workout routine of money swimming to twice daily

MICHAEL VICK: Embattled former NFL star, upon his release from prison
- Have miniature versions of dog fighting rings assembled in basement
- Find out a good place to inconspicuously purchase 50 ill-tempered roosters

KOBE BRYANT: LA Lakers all star, upon reaching the Western Conference Finals
- Cap off win of Rockets series by shaving "Ron Artest is a Nutbag" into my hair
- Avoid troublesome Colorado nightlife during Nuggets series

BLAKE GRIFFIN: former Oklahoma standout, upon learning the Clippers have the rights to the number 1 pick in this year's draft
- Contact Archie Manning to inquire into the art of just saying no
- Find flight of stairs big enough to knock me out of the number one spot, but small enough not to end career

BARRY MELROSE: ESPN hockey analyst, now dealing with unexpected extra attention thanks to exciting hockey actually being played
- Make a joke about every non-hockey athlete who leaves the game with a supposed "injury" 4
- Finish second act of "Sidney and Ovi" buddy comedy screenplay
- Cultivate mullet nightly with coconut milk and acai extract 

MARK SANCHEZ: New York Jets draft pick, now dealing with the whirlwind of being the next franchise quarterback in New York
- Get out-on-the-town wardrobe advice from fellow New Yorker Sean Avery
- Change MySpace profile name to something more media acceptable than Mark "Dirty" Sanchez

DENVER NUGGETS: Upon realizing their May 25th playoff home game is in conflict with an already booked appearance of Monday Night Raw
- Set up steel cage ladder match between Mark Cuban and Kenyon Martin's mom (preferably with Mike Tyson as a special guest referee)
- Plead with Vince MacMahon to facilitate the return of the Ultimate Warrior to the ring

BRETT FAVRE: Quasi-retired quarterback in the midst of making what seems to be yet another comeback
- Deny up and down that I have any interest in coming out of retirement 4
- Lay low playing backyard football with dog and mowing lawn for several months 4
- Make comeback (f*ck the Packers)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

See you May 20th!

Sorry for the hiatus but the world of pro-bono blogging isn't as lucrative as I was initially led to believe.  Anyway, we'll be back with a new post on May 20th... see all five of you loyal readers then!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

2009 NFL Draft Preview

This weekend marks the yearly tradition of men sitting around for hours on end, throwing back beers, eating crappy food, and watching what could be called the most repetitive and mundane sports coverage of the year... and loving every minute of it!
That's right, the NFL draft is upon us.  So prepare yourselves for a full day of hearing about the linebacker who is "an absolute beast," the tackle with a "tremendous upside," and the quarterback that teams are "truly in love with."  And if there are no big trades or shocking picks, who cares?  At least you'll enjoy seeing some crazy suits and watching the pained look on a prospect's face as he pretends to be excited to join that team.  
In any case, since everyone else under the sun has a mock draft, so do we!  So check out Errant Balls' breakdown of the top ten picks for the 2009 NFL Draft.

1) DETROIT LIONS (Record: 0-16)
    Offseason Concerns: QB, Offensive Line, possibility that adding teeth to their logo may not be enough to right the ship
    Projected Pick: The Lions will likely go with star quarterback Matt Stafford out of Georgia.  Stafford is the consensus top QB in the draft and supposedly excited at the possibility of hooking up with Detroit's talented receivers.  If you're part of the Lions organization and there is a projected number 1 pick who actually wants to come play it Detroit, you leap on top of him like he's a sick gazelle... or just go with another receiver.
    One Wish: That the "blame it all on Matt Millen" mantra will last through one more winless season.

2) ST. LOUIS RAMS (Record: 2-14)
    Offseason Concerns: Offensive Line, WR, that new coach Steve Spagnuolo's staunch "spell my name right or you're cut" policy will leave the team decimated
    Projected Pick: The Rams will likely look to shore up their front line with the second pick, and settle on the athletic OT Jason Smith out of Baylor.  After the departure of veteran Orlando Pace, there is a huge hole to fill on the offensive line (as well as in the local fast food chain's revenue streams) and Smith would be the perfect fill-in at left tackle.
    One Wish: That RB Steven Jackson continues to boycott all media outlets and thusly remains unaware that star NFL players can demand a trade.

3) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (Record: 2-14)
    Offseason Concerns: LB, Defensive Line, that Larry Johnson is easily the most likely candidate to be this year's Plaxico Burress
    Projected Pick: The Chiefs hold a hot commodity here for teams looking to trade up for a shot at Mark Sanchez (Rex Ryan may be willing to offer up Kellen Clemens and his entire extended family), but if they hold onto the pick they will likely go with LB Aaron Curry out of Wake Forest.
    One Wish: *That new GM Scott Pioli's ties to the Patriots will somehow prompt New England to offer up players at a ridiculous discount rate (*Note: The Chiefs are the only team whose wish has already come true).

4) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (Record: 4-12)
    Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, new coach Jim Mora's complete lack of a Mike Holmgren-esque bushy mustache leaves his upper lip dangerously exposed to the brutal Seattle elements
    Projected Pick: Provided no trades have been made and he is still available, there is little doubt that the Seahawks will go after QB Mark Sanchez out of USC.  Although quarterback is not their most glaring need at the moment, Seattle would love to groom the well-quaffed Sanchez as a replacement for Matt Hasselbeck, who has been suffering from nagging injuries and male pattern baldness for quite some time.  
    One Wish: That new WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh will be even better than he was in Cinci now that he is no longer terrified to be in close quarters with his own teammates.

5) CLEVELAND BROWNS (Record: 4-12)
    Offseason Concerns: LB, WR, the danger of Brady Quinn gay jokes driving their young QB into more public slap fights
    Projected Pick: Defensive tackle B.J. Raji could be the most talented player on the board at this point, but don't be shocked if the Browns decide to take a chance on touchdown machine Michael Crabtree out of Texas Tech.  And seeing as how the odds of a new pair of hands for Braylon Edwards popping up on the draft board are slim to none, this might be the way to go.
    One Wish: That new coach Eric Mangini can shed the "Mangina" nickname he earned in New York and return to the "Mangenius" status he so clearly never earned in the first place.

6) CINCINNATI BENGALS (Record: 4-11-1)
    Offseason Concerns: Offensive line, RB, the possibility of disgruntled WR Chad Ochocinco once again changing his name, this time to Chad Getmethef*ckouttahere
    Projected Pick: The Bengals will likely go with a tackle on either side of the ball with the sixth pick, looking at Andre Smith, Eugene Monroe, and Michael Oher on offense, or possibly going for B.J. Raji on D if he is still on the board.  In any case, the Bengals best bet is to go with whichever player is projected least likely to immediately commit a felony upon his arrival in Cincinnati.
    One Wish: That their often troubled new acquisition Tank Johnson isn't the final piece of the puzzle that will transform the city of Cincinnati into a post-apocalyptic hell not unlike Thunderdome.

7) OAKLAND RAIDERS (Record: 5-11)
    Offseason Concerns: Offensive/Defensive Tackle, WR, possibility that new coach Tom Cable only took the job because Al Davis threatened to eat the souls of his children
    Projected Pick: It is widely believed that the Raiders will go with WR Jeremy Maclin out of Missouri with the seventh pick.  Although most have Michael Crabtree as the higher rated receiver on the board, the speed-happy Raiders will assuredly take the quicker Maclin regardless of who is available.  Upon hearing the news that there is no way he'll wind up in Oakland, Michael Crabtree immediately broke down and wept for joy until he passed out soaked in his own tears.
    One Wish: That Al Davis' senility level doesn't climb high enough on draft day that he demand they use their pick on The Mighty Thor: God of Thunder.

    Offseason Concerns: WR, CB, worry that they may find themselves coach-less after one of Jack Del Rio's neck veins inevitably ruptures
    Projected Pick: Although they did just obtain veteran wideout Torry Holt, the absence of a coked up Matt Jones streaking downfield leaves the Jags with yet another spot open at receiver. They would love to address that with hopes that Michael Crabtree will still be available, but if not, expect them to go after a high profile tackle or linebacker. 
    One Wish: That for the love of God, Byron Leftwich does not manage to lead the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl.

9) GREEN BAY PACKERS (Record: 6-10)
    Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, that their supposed franchise quarterback has not yet fully committed to the art of gun-slinging
    Projected Pick:  Expect the Packers to address their aging O-line here, taking the highest rated tackle available, and likely landing Andre Smith out of Alabama.  Smith is a safe bet to go at nine, because his poor pre-draft decisions dropped him down a bit, but the NFL has collectively agreed to take him somewhere inside the top ten, under fears that the millions upon millions of dollars he has cost himself may prompt a nationally televised if he slips too far.
    One Wish: *That they will not be forced to spend their Thanksgiving whipping the Lions up and down the field (*Note: The Packers are the only team whose wish has already gone unfulfilled).

10) SAN FRANCISCO 49ers (Record: 7-9)
    Offseason Concerns: Offensive Line, QB, the threat of coach Mike Singletary winding up in jail after taking his pants-dropping motivational methods outside the locker room
    Projected Pick:  The Niners will likely take whatever they can get at this spot, going after the highest available offensive tackle.  If given a choice San Fran would love to improve on their QB situation (they're really showing a shocking lack of confidence in the 3-headed monster that is Shaun Hill, Alex Smith and Damon Huard), but there is no way a top QB prospect is falling to the ten spot.  Besides, even if one did, they'd just mess it all up by grilling the guy on his parents' divorce.
    One Wish: That Jeff Garcia "accidentally" wanders across the bay from Oakland and makes his way onto the Niners' roster.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Final Four in pictures

Sadly, Errant Balls' favorite sporting event of the year, the NCAA Tournament, drew to a close this weekend.  But on the upside, it ended with our UNC Tarheels capping their dominating tourney with a championship and once again left me fighting an impending flood of man tears while CBS rocked Luther Vandross' "One Shining Moment."  Now, having still been unable to completely regain my composure, I'll recap the Final Four weekend for you fans in the best way I know how... with pretty pictures.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

MLB 2009 predictions: American League

With the 2009 MLB season set to kick off in just a few days, we couldn't leave you hanging without part 2 of our annual preview.  So enjoy Errant Balls' predictions for the 2009 season, the American League...

Baltimore Orioles
After enduring yet another disappointing 90 loss season in 2009, manager Dave Trembley will learn the hard way that there is simply no room in the majors for a team with a clean-up hitter named Aubrey.

Boston Red Sox
Red Sox broadcasts will be noticeably less entertaining when commentators are forced to spend their first whole season going from "Manny being Manny" to "Jason Bay being boring and Canadian."

New York Yankees
After a wild offseason full of major spending and steroid scandals, Yankee headlines will be surprisingly dominated by newcomer Nick Swisher, whose carefree attitude and rock and roll music will teach the Bombers that winning isn't everything, and help them learn to enjoy the game again... Hank Steinbrenner will subsequently have him murdered.

Tampa Bay Rays
After dealing with a slow April start, manager Joe Maddon will be forced to explain why they sent star pitcher David Price down to the minors after he enjoyed a 1.08 ERA in spring training.  Revealing a bit of his softer side, Maddon will admit he has a somewhat of a father-son relationship with Price, and that he didn't yet feel comfortable exposing the youngster to Grant Balfour's expletive ridden mound tirades.

Toronto Blue Jays
Spirits among the Blue Jays players will hit an all time low in 2009, when an investigation by Yahoo Sports reveals that the city of Toronto, which has long been pushing for an NFL franchise, is actually trading them for the Buffalo Bills.

Chicago White Sox
Upon finding themselves with a surprising division lead come September, outspoken manager Ozzie Guillen will come under fire for his comments on his starting rotation:  "They really have given it their all this year, and I couldn't ask for more.  I mean, I think I came up in the same draft as (Jose) Contreras and (Bartolo) Colon.  But Jesus, those wrinkly old f*ckers can throw!" 

Cleveland Indians
Controversy will hit the Indians locker room when notorious Major League groupie Alyssa Milano begins dating last year's Cy Young winner Cliff Lee.  Upon learning this, new Indians acquisition Carl Pavano will land in hot water after making publicly disparaging remarks saying that "Cliff is more than welcome to my sloppy sevenths." 

Detroit Tigers
After being cut by the Tigers late in spring training, Gary Sheffield will insist that Jim Leyland (like his other former manager Joe Torre) hates black people.  In a later interview Jim Leyland will clear things up: "My decision to cut Gary was in no way racially motivated.  I do however, hate loudmouth, injury-prone, douchebags who hit .225.  So... there's always the possibility it was that."

Kansas City Royals
First year manager Trey Hillman says he is very excited about the Royals' strong arms on the mound this year, like Mark Redman, Sidney Ponson and Kyle Farnsworth.  "With hurlers like that," Hillman said, "we should have no problem keeping up with the proud Kansas City baseball tradition in 2009."  He then closed his door to the media, and could be heard softly weeping for several hours.

Minnesota Twins
Twins fans' high hopes for phenom pitcher Francisco Liriano, now two and a half years removed from Tommy John surgery, will once again be dashed when it is revealed that the doctors actually repaired the wrong arm and he is lost for the season when his left arm is blown out once again.  On the upside though, upon his return in 2011 the Twins may very well find themselves armed with the league's only switch-pitcher.

Los Angeles Angels of the greater Anaheim metro-area
Trying to avoid a drop off in primal intensity after losing fiery closer Francisco Rodriguez,  manager Mike Scioscia will require vocal cord surgery at the end of the year thanks to screaming like a coked up banshee each time a bullpen pitcher strikes a batter out.

Oakland Athletics
In a resurgent 2009, the A's will make their return to post-season play thanks to the acquisitions of Matt Holliday (a young Jason Giambi-like hitter) and Jason Giambi (an old Jason Giambi-looking gentleman with a mythological gold thong).

Seattle Mariners
Enthusiasm for the return of Seattle's favorite son Ken Griffey, Jr. will plunge severely when a nagging hamstring has the slugger coming out for mid- June batting practice with his trademark backwards hat and riding a Rascal.

Texas Rangers
In an attempt to recover from the hit their image took thanks to the A-Rod steroid scandal, the Rangers will elect to have former President George W. Bush throw out the first pitch on opening day.  Because as plain as day, everyone knows the best way to get America back on your side is to align yourself with George W. Bush.  Goooooooooo Rangers!