Monday, March 29, 2010

Ten Bold Predictions for the 2010 MLB Season

After a lengthy hiatus that included a bit of experimenting with hallucinogenics and a trip to Tibet to really "find themselves," your Errant Balls are making their triumphant return stateside just in time for the start of 2010 baseball. And, in keeping with the proud and rich tradition of this haphazardly put together, grammatically reckless and brazenly fruitless blog, we're here to bring you our annual edition of bold predictions for Major League Baseball!

- Slugger Alex Rodriguez will once again have a statistically magical season and playoff run fueled by a golden-haired muse. This year... Macaulay Culkin.

- Prince Fielder will establish himself as the Chad Ochocinco of MLB, one-upping his controversial 2009 home run celebration by slugging a beer whilst smoking a cigarette as he rounds the bases.

-Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington will earn himself a five game suspension for trying to snort
the chalk foul line on his way to an early season mound visit.

- Off-season acquisition Melky Cabrera will lighten the overall mood of the Atlanta Braves, showing teammates how to pass time in the dugout by cheering jubilantly and chewing paper cups.

- Often fickle Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez will continue his annual tradition of demanding a mid-season trade, this time pointing to his preferred destinations as the San Francisco Quakes from the 1991 NES hit Roger Clemens' MVP baseball or the Bad News Bears.

- Tigers 3rd baseman Brandon Inge will land himself an additional $5M thanks to a contract incentive that nets him $100 each time someone refers to him as "scrappy."

- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will be contracted by the U.S. government to serve up a tirade so unimaginably profane it will kickstart the nation's ailing economy.

- An investigation will be launched into possible steroid use by Phillies All Star 2nd baseman Chase Utley based on suspicions that the feds will refer to simply as "a mean case of Giambi hair."

- The impending senility of Yankee owner George Steinbrenner will rear its ugly head when in a rare public press conference he refers to new Yankee outfielder Curtis Granderson as "black Derek Jeter."

- At some point, following some inexcusable fielding error somewhere, some guilty player will react by staring at his glove in complete bewilderment as if searching for some kind of obvious structural flaw in the webbing.