Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Week in Pictures

Let's see those bastards at ESPN try to ignore me this week!

Don't blame us, WE always made the playoffs.

I know, I know, I can't believe they're losing to the friggin' Dolphins either!

I told you guys we should have taken the time to watch that tape of their practice.

125 pitches? Suuuure, not like I was planning on pitching again after this year or anything.

No I don't cry EVERY time a microphone is put in front of me... how could you say such a terrible thing?!

Well I don't think it's really fair to pin ALL of the blame on the guy who's in charge of drafting and acquiring all the players.

No I'm not paranoid about the Mets, I have all of the confidence in the world... Oh God we're so f*cked!

Just give me the twenty bucks now Holmgren, I told you we could smoke the Rams with only half a team.

Okay, this is officially worse than the motorcycle crash.

Still proving all of the nay-sayers who said being 2 foot 3 would hurt my football career wrong!

Yeah you might be beating us, but that won't stop me from loving the iconic anthem "In the Navy!"


I'm guessing O.J. being O.J. isn't gonna be a viable argument here?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Top Headlines from NFL Week 1


Brett Favre’s debut in a Jets uniform was a resounding success in a 20-14 win over the Miami Dolphins. Sure beating the Fins isn’t exactly unheard of (I myself beat them twice last year), but Favre looked impressive putting up 192 yards through the air and throwing for 2 touchdowns, both of which were henceforth followed with celebrations of boyish jubilation and love for the game. You’ve got to enjoy the stark contrast between sports and the real world though; Favre throws a TD and proceeds to run around whooping and hollering and is praised for his youthful exuberance for the job… I do it once behind the deli counter after an exceptionally sliced pound of peppercorn turkey and suddenly I “might be retarded” and my slicer privileges are revoked.


Despite coming out of week one with a win, Patriots fans all over the New England area are “fah-kin ovah-whelmed with dev-uh-stay-shun” after losing Tom Brady for the season only 8 minutes into their first game. After taking a hit to the knee from Chiefs’ safety Bernard Pollard, Brady crumpled to the ground screaming in pain, and the grand opening of the new CBS Scene sports bar in Foxboro was marred by flash floods of Beantown tears. Personally, I don’t see what they’re so worried about. If this Brady-Cassel thing follows suit with the dynamics of the Bledsoe-Brady changeover, Matt Cassel will lead the Pats to 12 straight Super Bowl victories on his way to becoming the new Supreme Overlord of Earth.

The offensive attack of the Dallas Cowboys looked as effective as ever, putting up 4 TD’s and a total of 487 yards on the ever popular sleeper pick Cleveland Browns, and verifying themselves as one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl. While few were surprised by the efficiency on offense of Romo, Barber, and T.O., critics of the Cowboys’ defensive acquisitions were shocked to learn that Tank Johnson didn’t bring a single firearm to the game and that Adam “Pacman” Jones was only cited for one misdemeanor in 4 quarters of play. Bravo gentleman… looks like America’s team is back.


The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay started off on a positive note on Monday night, as the new face of the Pack led them to a 24-19 victory over the rival Vikings, and only a dozen or so fans committed suicide when a name that wasn’t Favre was announced over the loudspeaker as the QB (far fewer than the pregame estimates of between two and three hundred). Rodgers looked steady and confident in his debut, throwing for 178 yards and a TD, and adding another on the ground. He even got his first shot at taking the Lambeau leap, which was successful only when fans were able to alleviate his short jump by pulling him into the crowd by his freakishly enormous shnozz.

The Raiders continued their astonishingly futile post-Super Bowl run with a horrendous Monday night performance against the Denver Broncos. This once highly touted rivalry was turned into a complete humiliation the likes of which made first year receiver Eddie Royal look like he must be the lovechild of Jerry Rice and Mercury Morris (Royal hung 146 yards and a TD on Raiders “star” corner DeAngelo Hall). The Raiders horrid defense allowed Jay Cutler to pick them apart for 299 yards, and their supposedly revamped offense wasn’t able to score until the 4th quarter when the game was already out of reach. And the worst part… the fans seemed shocked! I’m sorry Raider faithful, but no amount of commitment to the team or willingness to dress like Gwar is going to change the fact that your squad stands no chance of recovery so long as it is still run by this guy.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

2008 NFL Predictions Part II: NFC

It's time for Errant Balls' to tap into our psychic powers and conjure up predictions you'll surely see come to light during the 2008 NFL season. So read on for part II, insights on the NFC.

Dallas Cowboys- The offseason gamble off adding troubled corner Adam “I’m not Pacman anymore” Jones will pay off in dividends… dividends which will come in the form of hundreds and hundreds of dollar bills.

New York Giants- The Giants will elect to have Tom Coughlin coach from a heated booth starting in early November, in an attempt to avoid having to deal with his face falling off midgame.

Philadelphia Eagles- Quarterback Donovan McNabb will boldly predict 12 wins for his Eagles, and that he will only vomit on the field during 9 of them!

Washington Redskins- First year Redskin Jason Taylor will revolutionize the touchdown dance when he recovers a fumble, runs it back 50 yards for a quick 6, and proceeds to Samba with the sideline judge.

Chicago Bears- On average, 2.5 million fans per week will utter the phrase “I can’t believe Kyle Friggin’ Orton is a starting NFL quarterback” while watching the Bears game.

Detroit Lions- Recently released running back Tatum Bell will return to the Lions locker room on several occasions to continue his revenge through thievery; stealing Matt Millen’s wide receivers only draft board, Roy Williams’ trash talking thesaurus, and Christmas.

Green Bay Packers- No Brett Favre and you’re living in Green Bay, Wisconsin? Is it viable that an entire city be put on suicide watch?

Minnesota Vikings- Thanks to the super productive Adrian Peterson and a surprisingly efficient year by Tarvaris Jackson, the Vikes will win their division and make a run deep into the playoffs. Neither of which is nearly as cool as the Sex boat scandal… Where have you gone Fred Smoot? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you…

Atlanta Falcons- Rookie quarterback Matt Ryan will devastate the already beleaguered Falcon fans when it is revealed he is the mastermind behind an international midget tossing ring.

Carolina Panthers- When asked by sideline reporter Suzy Kolber about a dropped ball in the 4th quarter that could have cost his team the game, Steve Smith will punch her in the face.

New Orleans Saints- The offseason acquisition of tight end Jeremy Shockey will cause more irreparable damage to the city of New Orleans than its glancing blow with Hurricane Gustav.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The Bucs will suffer due to the complete absence of kickers or punters on the team, a repercussion of Coach John Gruden’s unorthodox decision to keep 9 quarterbacks on his roster.

Arizona Cardinals- Kurt Warner will strangle the life out of Matt Leinart when photos of the young quarterback hitting a beer bong with Warner’s 18 year-old daughter surface on

St. Louis Rams- The Rams will be forced to ban Howie Long, hall of famer and father of their first round draft choice Chris Long, from locker room access after he continually pushes to make the young players watch Firestorm during film sessions.

San Francisco 49ers- Recently named starting QB J.T. O’Sullivan will win most improved player of the year, but will be asked by league officials to kindly refrain from removing his helmet and revealing his carnie-freak face during the trophy presentation.

Seattle Seahawks- Spurned former running back Shaun Alexander will make a desperate attempt at regaining his spot on the team, claiming to be Tiki Barber at a midseason tryout.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

2008 NFL Predictions Part I: AFC

It's time for Errant Balls' to tap into our psychic powers and conjure up predictions you'll surely see come to light during the 2008 NFL season. So read on for insights on the AFC, and be sure to check back on Thursday for the NFC segment!

Buffalo Bills- The Bills will struggle with team chemistry after it is revealed that Marshawn Lynch has been the one dinging up their cars in the parking lot.

Miami Dolphins- Thanks to the addition of new quarterback Chad Pennington, a surprisingly competitive Fins squad will win more than 5 games by systematically dismantling opposing defenses... in 6 yard increments.

New England Patriots- The coach/quarterback honeymoon in New England will end when it is revealed that the Tom Brady/Gisele sex tape that is leaked onto the internet was actually taped by a Patriots video assistant on orders from Bill Belichick.

New York Jets- Not only will the Jets compete with the Pats for the division title thanks to the cannon arm of Brett Favre, but the field in Giants Stadium will remain flawless throughout the season thanks to Favre's meticulous off-day mowing routines.

Baltimore Ravens- Despite issues at the quarterback position the Ravens, dubbed "God's team" by Ray Lewis, will begin the year by going a shocking 7-0 out of the gate. Because frankly... even God is a little afraid of Ray Lewis.

Cincinnati Bengals- Recently renamed receiver Chad Ocho Cinco will surprisingly not be the only Bengal to change his moniker, as teammate Chris Henry will officially be known as Inmate #7326 by season's end.

Cleveland Browns- Quarterback Brady Quinn will once again have his sexuality called into question when he celebrates a touchdown by spanking Braylon Edwards... in the team hotel... on a Wednesday... wearing only hotpants and a cape.

Pittsburgh Steelers- The supposedly alleviated "tall receiver" conflict will rear its ugly head around midseason, after a late game Roethlisberger interception prompts a frustrated Hines Ward to demand a quarterback that doesn't "crash and burn."

Houston Texans- Texans' coaches will question backup running back Chris Brown's commitment to the team after he is injured during a performance at the 2008 MTV Video Awards.

Indianapolis Colts- Star quarterback Peyton Manning's focus will suffer as he will once again inundate your television in countless off-field endorsements, including becoming the face of the Infected Bursa Sac Prevention Committee.

Jacksonville Jaguars- The Jags will continue to perform above and beyond expectations based solely on the gut-wrenching fear instilled in them by coach Jack Del Rio.

Tennessee Titans- The Titans will see vast improvement from quarterback Vince Young after his unorthodox sidearm delivery is miraculously righted when teammate Albert Haynesworth stomps on his head.

Denver Broncos- Coach Mike Shanahan will be forced by team executives to see a skin specialist as a precautionary measure, after a farsighted ball boy unintentionally grabs his leathery brown face and tries to throw him to a referee.

Kansas City Chiefs- Coach Herm Edwards will break down in tears and take his own life during a week 6 postgame press conference when asked whether he thinks Brodie Croyle really gives them the best possible chance to win.

Oakland Raiders- Owner Al Davis will finally be forcibly removed from his position of power after he attempts a midseason trade of Jamarcus Russell for Ken Stabler and a half dozen beaver pelts.

San Diego Chargers- After playing against doctor's orders Shawn Merriman's knee will actually explode out of his leg in the fourth quarter in week 2. Merriman will return to practice only days later however, after strangely high testosterone levels allow him to grow a new knee within hours.