Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Guide to the utimate '09 Super Bowl party

Every year you attend the same old Super Bowl parties, with the same old fix-ins and the same old betting pools. And there is no reason this year looks to be any different. And as for the game, I mean, we're talking about the Steelers vs. the Cardinals... so how many of us actually care who wins anyway? Let's be honest, you're essentially there for the beer, food, and commercials, so why not mix things up a bit to make it more interesting? If you're looking to make this year's event bigger and better than ever, read on for Errant Balls' guide to making your '09 Super Bowl bash a party to remember.

Ben Roethlis-mini-burgers: Eat these mediocre treats while they're hot, because like Ben they're only just good enough not to cause you to lose it (see: Super Bowl XL).

The "Don't be that guy" Room: Set up a separate room in the house decorated floor to ceiling with Ricky Martin posters, stocked only with a warm six-pack of Zima, a Greek salad, and a 13" black and white TV for the purpose of exiling anyone who shows up wearing the jersey of a team that is not in the Super Bowl.

Kurt Warner's Holy-hot wings: Make your buffalo wings so spicy that your guests will think they see God. Whoever mows down the most without puking gets to wear the honorary strap on Warner-stubble for the remainder of the game.

Madden Audibles: Take a few healthy gulp of beer each time John Madden says something you cannot understand for the life of you, this should guarantee you a steady, game-long buzz.

Challenge on the Field: Fashion challenge flags for each of your guests using red fabric, dried rice and rubber bands. If at any time a guest would like anything (the last cocktail weenie, a fresh beer, a back rub) they can throw their challenge flag, but it must hit another party-goer in the face. If their flag flies true they must be obliged, but should it miss, they lose their challenge for the night and the extra flag is awarded to their intended target.

Born to Run (to the bathroom): Take a shot of tequila for every time Bruce Springsteen grimaces like he's trying to crap out a pineapple during the Super Bowl Halftime Show (not advised for those who are driving).

Troy Guaca-malu: Enjoy this delicious and classic avocado Super Bowl standard... just watch out for 24-inch long black, curly hairs hidden inside!

Sports Lingo Bingo: Make up bingo boards for each of your guests with a random combination of contrived sports vocabulary filling the board (some helpful suggestions for this year are oft heard sayings like ball-hawk, sneaky fast, in the trenches, something to prove, road to the Super Bowl, pick-6, pay dirt, class act, etc.)... first to 5 in a row gets to take home all of the leftovers!

Shotgun Slap:
If at any point it is determined by all other party-goers that a guest is forcibly over-laughing at a commercial that does not justify it, said guest must either shotgun a beer or be subject to one face slap by the largest handed person in the room.

Jell-O Jigglers: Each time NBC cuts to a shot of the announcers in the booth and any one of John Madden's chins visibly jiggles... Jell-O shots all around!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Inauguration Balls

Yesterday marked one of the most historic days in our great country's short existence, as Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. Obama represents great change not only in that he is the first African American elected to office, but that he preaches change as the solution to getting ourselves back on track as a nation. All this talk of history and change got us thinking, because this year is slated to be quite a historical year in sports as well. So here is a rundown of some of the reasons 2009 will go down in sports history as the year of great change.

- As the New York Yankees move across the street to their new stadium, 2009 will be the first season in 85 years that the Bombers don't call "The House that Ruth built" their home. The inaugural season of the new Yankee Stadium will mark the beginning of a new era in "The House that questionable public funding and the Hard Rock Cafe built."

- The Globalization of the NBA continues, as Portland Trail Blazers rookie Rudy Fernandez becomes the first Spanish player to take part in the Dunk Contest. However, the first timer will lose out to another historic precedent, when Dwight Howard raises the hoop to 12 feet, puts on a Batman cape, and dunks Nate Robinson to take home his second trophy in as many years.

- The Detroit Lions will post an unheralded turnaround when they follow up their 0-16 season with a 16-0 run under the poised leadership of Matt Cassell. While back in New England, Tom Brady will be divorced, 50 lbs. overweight, and forced out of town by year's end.

- Thanks to their new home, Mets fans will finally go into a season with the correct, but altogether devastating expectations, as walking into a stadium named after Citibank will teach the Flushing faithful to accept the impending and unavoidable doom that lay ahead.

-In an effort to clear cap space for the 2010 free agent class and also secure the team a high draft pick, New York Knicks president Donnie Walsh makes an unprecedented move, cutting the post All-Star roster to only one player. The plan will backfire as David Lee's constant hustle and scrappy play leads the Knicks to the playoffs.

- The arrogance of winning a World Series will turn Phillies' fans more vigilant and ruthless than ever before, as they will ritually sacrifice kittens following each 2009 loss... and win.

- Imaginationland will cease to exist as the 2009 Boston Celtics fail to repeat as NBA Champions, causing little Kevin Garnett to stop believing that ANYTHING IS POSSSSIBBBBBBBLE!!!!

- The Arizona Cardinals have already made history by earning their first ever trip to the Super Bowl in 2009, and if they win?... Well let's just say we won't have to worry much about 2010, Scott Boras and the cockroaches will be the only ones left to deal with that hot mess.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

NFL Conference Championship predictions

Each year, when the NFL playoffs come around, Errant Balls makes a feeble attempt at actually predicting what is going to happen and who is going to win. But not this year, not in 2009. The passing of 2008 marked an historic time for Errant Balls, a time in which we vowed to stick to what we do best, good old fashioned juvenile stupidity. So feel free to soak in all of these inane and completely ludicrous predictions for the big games this weekend... just don't place your bets on them!

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Philadelphia Eagles @ Arizona Cardinals
- Donovan McNabb will once again be penalized for his antics on the other team's sideline, after he uses a Cardinals bench player's helmet as a vomit receptacle.

- In an effort to slow the thus far unstoppable Larry Fitzgerald, the Eagles will use their entire secondary to shadow him every play, ignoring all other Cardinal receivers. Fitzgerald will finish with 2 TD's and 183 yards on six catches, one of which he'll make with his dreadlocks.

- The Cardinals coaching staff will motivate Edgerrin James by further demoting him to pregame shoe shiner and keying his car. He will run for 109 yards in the first half alone.

- The Eagles' second half ground attack will suffer a huge blow when Andy Reid's fiery and animated halftime speech causes his fat-belt to snap off, sending it flying violently through the air and decapitating Brian Westbrook.

- DeSean Jackson will ultimately blow the game for Philly after he throws a would be touchdown reception into the stands around the 15 yard line.

- Kurt Warner will creep out a sideline reporter with an overly-religious postgame speech in which he breaks out his Buddy Christ figure and forces them to sing with him (you can probably safely place a bet on this one).

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers
- Ben Roethlisberger's remarkable toughness will once again shine when he is sacked 7 times in the first half and still refuses to just release the ball earlier.

- Pittsburgh will fall behind early thanks to the late arrival of Coach Mike Tomlin forcing actor Omar Epps to fill in at coach for the first quarter.

- Ravens safety Ed Reed will take his "ball-hawking" to the next level when he intercepts a pass, returns it for a TD, rips the leather off the ball with his fingernails and eats the remains.

- Ravens LB Ray Lewis will cause someone in the Pittsburgh area to wet their pants (again, this one might be a safe bet as well).

- During what initially appears to be a routine sack, Troy Polamalu's hair will become so severely entangled in Joe Flacco's unibrow that a team of paramedics and barbers will be forced to the field.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The week in NFL playoff pictures

After a lovely holiday break filled with traditions like exchanging gifts, sharing fond family memories, and binge drinking, Errant Balls makes its triumphant premiere in 2009. And in recognition of the misery and complete lack of motivation that marks the return to normalcy from holiday fun, we come to you in the easiest form possible... one liner jokes that link to pretty pictures. Enjoy you lazy simpletons!

"Do you think the refs will consider an inter-team Conga line a form of choreographed celebration?"

"How can I be expected to concentrate on football when we are destroying mother Earth? When the hell was the last time someone checked the pH in this soil? It is indefensibly dry for this region! We've got to go green people!!!"

"And for winning player of the game honors they gave me this giant novelty helmet! It's funny, because it's bigger than a normal helmet..."

"If we're going to lose anyway the least I can do is entertain the fans with some good, old fashioned break dancing."

"Awww yeah this Naughty By Nature track is my jam! Hip hop hooorayyy, hooooo, heyyyyy, hoooo."

"Daddy, I think we might have mixed up our shirts before we left the hotel this morning..."

"Had I known all I had to do to be included in the game plan was to publicly say how badly I wanted to get the hell outta here I woulda said in week 1!"

"Okay now let's just toss his little ass through the uprights for the extra point."

"John Harbaugh come on dowwwwwn, you're the next contestant on The Price is Right!"

"Damn, between my sweet stubble and this super stylish quadruple XL one-sie I am looking pretty friggin' bad ass."

"Well, on the bright side at least I didn't commit this season's MOST memorable gun crime."

"Son of a bitch. I knew it was only a matter of time before I channeled my inner Jet."

"Well, this is over. Might as well get a head start on the Classifieds now."

"What the hell do you mean I'm no longer eligible for the Heisman?!"

"Yeah that's right, Hootie's back baby. Except now I only come out for Dolphins' playoff games or the Burger King chicken bacon ranch."