Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bold MLB predictions for the second half

With baseball's second half officially under way, it's time to start speculation on what we'll be looking back on at year's end.  Who will make an unlikely run to the playoffs?  Who will fall apart?  Whose greasy hair product will cost their team dearly?
Well here at Errant Balls, we say "why wait?"  Sure you can sit back and actually watch the 2009 season play out.  OR, you could put your trust in an unresearched and shoddily put together blog that may or may not be written from a Blackberry while watching the recently released Blockbuster DVD of Watchmen.  Let's just put it this way, one will take a whole lot less time, and isn't that the American way?  
So read on, and believe every word of it, just so we don't have to say "I told you so" in November...

- Following a 5 game losing streak that kills their chances in the Central division, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will say something so crude in his post game conference, that an appalled Andrew Dice Clay watching at home will faint where he stands.

- The Phillies signing of veteran Pedro Martinez will eventually ruin their chances to repeat as World Series champs, when slugger Ryan Howard is lost for the season after slipping on the excess drippings of Pedro's Soul-Glo in the locker room and severely tearing his ACL.

- Manny Ramirez will again be suspended for violating the terms of the league's substance abuse policies when he tests positive for the birth control pill, Purina Beggin' Strips, and three times the legal limit of Elmer's non-toxic all-purpose paste

- In an unprecedented effort to "boost their farm system," the Pirates will trade infielders Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson, along with the rights to their home stadium PNC Park before the July 31st trade deadline.  The once proud franchise will subsequently be relocated to a suburban Pittsburgh-area high school field for the remainder of the season.

- Orioles manager Dave Trembley will make a sad attempt at alleviating yet another losing season in Baltimore, promising fans at the season's final home game that at the very least he can find them exceptionally low prices on off-season hotels and airfare.

- Previously thought to be on the DL for only a few weeks at most, Mets manager Jerry Manuel will deliver the sad news on August 1st that the team's collective dignity is officially lost for the year and will require off-season surgery.

- After 23 different All-Stars hit the 15-day DL in September, the stock of energy product manufacturer Phiten USA will plummet after it is realized that exposure of 5 months or more to their popular necklaces can cause severe and uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea.  

- The Yankees will play out the remainder of the regular season failing to beat the Red Sox, but will somehow win the division and avoid them in the playoffs en route to winning their 27th World Series.  Hal Steinbrenner will declare the 2009 season an unabashed failure and immediately fire manager Joe Girardi.

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