After enduring yet another disappointing 90 loss season in 2009, manager Dave Trembley will learn the hard way that there is simply no room in the majors for a team with a clean-up hitter named Aubrey.
Boston Red Sox
Red Sox broadcasts will be noticeably less entertaining when commentators are forced to spend their first whole season going from "Manny being Manny" to "Jason Bay being boring and Canadian."
New York Yankees
After a wild offseason full of major spending and steroid scandals, Yankee headlines will be surprisingly dominated by newcomer Nick Swisher, whose carefree attitude and rock and roll music will teach the Bombers that winning isn't everything, and help them learn to enjoy the game again... Hank Steinbrenner will subsequently have him murdered.
Tampa Bay Rays
After dealing with a slow April start, manager Joe Maddon will be forced to explain why they sent star pitcher David Price down to the minors after he enjoyed a 1.08 ERA in spring training. Revealing a bit of his softer side, Maddon will admit he has a somewhat of a father-son relationship with Price, and that he didn't yet feel comfortable exposing the youngster to Grant Balfour's expletive ridden mound tirades.
Toronto Blue Jays
Spirits among the Blue Jays players will hit an all time low in 2009, when an investigation by Yahoo Sports reveals that the city of Toronto, which has long been pushing for an NFL franchise, is actually trading them for the Buffalo Bills.
Chicago White Sox
Upon finding themselves with a surprising division lead come September, outspoken manager Ozzie Guillen will come under fire for his comments on his starting rotation: "They really have given it their all this year, and I couldn't ask for more. I mean, I think I came up in the same draft as (Jose) Contreras and (Bartolo) Colon. But Jesus, those wrinkly old f*ckers can throw!"
Controversy will hit the Indians locker room when notorious Major League groupie Alyssa Milano begins dating last year's Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. Upon learning this, new Indians acquisition Carl Pavano will land in hot water after making publicly disparaging remarks saying that "Cliff is more than welcome to my sloppy sevenths."
After being cut by the Tigers late in spring training, Gary Sheffield will insist that Jim Leyland (like his other former manager Joe Torre) hates black people. In a later interview Jim Leyland will clear things up: "My decision to cut Gary was in no way racially motivated. I do however, hate loudmouth, injury-prone, douchebags who hit .225. So... there's always the possibility it was that."
Kansas City Royals
First year manager Trey Hillman says he is very excited about the Royals' strong arms on the mound this year, like Mark Redman, Sidney Ponson and Kyle Farnsworth. "With hurlers like that," Hillman said, "we should have no problem keeping up with the proud Kansas City baseball tradition in 2009." He then closed his door to the media, and could be heard softly weeping for several hours.
Twins fans' high hopes for phenom pitcher Francisco Liriano, now two and a half years removed from Tommy John surgery, will once again be dashed when it is revealed that the doctors actually repaired the wrong arm and he is lost for the season when his left arm is blown out once again. On the upside though, upon his return in 2011 the Twins may very well find themselves armed with the league's only switch-pitcher.
Los Angeles Angels of the greater Anaheim metro-area
Trying to avoid a drop off in primal intensity after losing fiery closer Francisco Rodriguez, manager Mike Scioscia will require vocal cord surgery at the end of the year thanks to screaming like a coked up banshee each time a bullpen pitcher strikes a batter out.
In a resurgent 2009, the A's will make their return to post-season play thanks to the acquisitions of Matt Holliday (a young Jason Giambi-like hitter) and Jason Giambi (an old Jason Giambi-looking gentleman with a mythological gold thong).
Enthusiasm for the return of Seattle's favorite son Ken Griffey, Jr. will plunge severely when a nagging hamstring has the slugger coming out for mid- June batting practice with his trademark backwards hat and riding a Rascal.
In an attempt to recover from the hit their image took thanks to the A-Rod steroid scandal, the Rangers will elect to have former President George W. Bush throw out the first pitch on opening day. Because as plain as day, everyone knows the best way to get America back on your side is to align yourself with George W. Bush. Goooooooooo Rangers!