Thursday, December 27, 2007

See You Next Week!

Happy Holidays to my loyal readers, my illiterate visitors who enjoy the pretty pictures and colors, and those of you who have accidentally stumbled across the site when Googling "balls."

Look for a new posting next week!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Christmas Wishes

The most magical time of the year is finally upon us. Christmas time is a time for hope and joy, and let's be honest, presents. And everyone, even the most famous of sports figures, has a Christmas wish list.

ROGER CLEMENS (Pitcher, New York Yankees)
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is for everyone to stop hating me. What did I ever do to George Mitchell anyway? And what proof does he have that I ever did steroids? DAMN IT! It just makes me so mad! I can't explain why a rational person would ever such a thing, but it makes me want to throw a shattered bat at him!
Now Barry Bonds, THERE'S a guy who clearly took steroids. How else can you explain his sudden success at such an old age? It's preposterous! Please help me Santa!
Unfairly accused,
The Rocket

TIGER WOODS (Professional Golfer, filthy rich)
Dear Santa,
Seriously? I'm Tiger Woods. Married to a model... endorsement money coming out of my ears... able to obliterate my "opponents" while simultaneously beating them virtually on my PSP... any of that ring a bell?
I really can't accept anymore. In fact, take what you were going to give me and donate it to whatever charity is helping Phil Mickelson raise capital for his breast reduction.

CLEO LEMON (QB, 1-13 Miami Dolphins)
Dear Santa,
I already got my Christmas present... does that make me Jewish?
Anyway all I really wanted this year was to get a win, and you granted my wish. I mean Cleo Lemon and Greg Camarillo save the day? How else can that be explained if not as a Christmas miracle?!
Now I can look forward to the yearly reunion of the 2007 Dolphins where we toast a round of Old Grandad whiskey shots whenever a team almost puts up an 0'fer.
I guess if you have time I would like one thing though... please take a dump in my parents chimney for naming me Cleo Lemon.
Winner at last,

MIKE KRZYZEWSKI (Head Coach/Filthy-mouthed trucker, Duke)
Dear Santa,
I know my team is doing unexpectedly well so far this year, but if I have learned anything about being a successful coach it's to never be satisfied. So I'm not f#@king satisfied!
These a$h@l#s just do not know how to f#@king hustle for two f#@king halves! Please teach these p@$#es a little bit about hard work.... get on the f#@king boards you little bi%@hes!!! You make me sick! You aren't good enough to lick the s%*$ off my %$#*@%!!!!!
Respectfully Yours,
Coach K.

MICHAEL VICK (Former NFL QB, current prison inmate)
Dear Santa,
They check the letters here before they send them out so I gotta make it brief:
- Hollowed out Bible
- Knife-spoon
- Poster of Rita Hayworth
'Nuff Said,
Ron Mexico

ANTOINE WALKER (Forward, Minnesota Timberwolves)
Dear Santa,
I've had a pretty tough year. I started off in sunny Miami and before I could blink I was suddenly exiled to a Garnett-less Minnesota. Where is KG now you ask? In Boston, where I spent most of my career in the first place!
And it all stems from me putting on a few extra pounds in the off-season. Seems a little ridiculous if you ask me. You can empathize with me big guy, what should I do? I mean no one hassles you about your strictly cookies and whole milk diet so why is it wrong if I do it?
I guess what I really need for Christmas is just some advice from a wise old veteran like yourself... and maybe NutriSystem.
Festively Plump,

ALEX RODRIGUEZ (3rd baseman, New York Yankees)
Dear Santa,
Chap stick and tanning lotion baby!!!
I love New York,
p.s. I wouldn't mind if you kicked Scott Boras in the nads.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Confessions Of A Superstar Athlete

This past week has been an interesting one for quite a few individuals in the world of sports. Ranging from a monumental victory, to a prestigious award ceremony, to a condemning court sentence, all of these events elicited their own unique thoughts and feelings. So rather than just covering the occurrences, I've decided to take it one step further, I'm getting into their heads to give you the first person accounts of this week in sports.

Saturday, December 8th
Into the mind of Floyd "Pretty Boy" Mayweather (Round 10)
Damn man, how the hell am I supposed to concentrate on this fight? Between the distractions of this boy's limey white skin and his 10,000 closest friends belligerently belting out that song nonstop I'm gonna lose my damn mind.
And how the hell is he gonna take this many punches square in the face and not even flinch? I'll tell you how, I can smell the Guinness on this man's breath. He is sweating more alcohol in 10 rounds than the average American can consume in 10 days. I'm trying to avoid locking up with him again because I'm pretty sure I'm getting a contact high.
He's wavering now though, I can see it in his eyes... the cruel mistress of sobriety. Now is my chance. They can't liquor him up in the corner, and he's hurting for it. He looks terrible, just like Popeye without his spinach... God it's embarrassing. Time to make my move.
Damn Ricky Hatton did you just eat the turnbuckle on your way down? I know there's a beer ad on it but that was just sad. Oh no, he's back up. Here's two more pints for you Ricky...... goodnight.
Here come the cameras, quick get into your "I can be humble and gracious while still referring to myself in the third person" mode. Damn I love Floyd Mayweather. I mean... "Ricky Hatton is a hell of a champion." Yeah, eat it up.

Friday, December 7th
Into the mind of Tim Tebow (Heisman ceremony)
I can't believe this day is finally here, Heisman day! It all seems so unreal. And being up for the greatest award in college football after just my Sophomore year, man that is so cool. This is one of the proudest days of my life, in fact, it's second only to the day I discovered the Tim Tebow Facts web site... now that, was truly humbling.
I wonder if I can really win though, there's some tough competition here: Darren McFadden, who lined up behind center and went Tebow on the LSU Tigers himself. Colt Brennan, who apparently played in Hawaii... hell until this year I didn't know they had football there besides the Pro-Bowl. And Chase Daniel, who sits before us today despite being a fat quarterback. So admirable, so deserving, all of them.
Then again, I have to think I've got a legitimate shot. Throwing for 29 touchdowns and running for 22 more, those aren't exactly Chris Leak numbers. Plus my Daddy's a preacher, that has to net me a few extra supporters. And pictures like this one can't hurt my chances with a contingency full of male voters either.
Here they are with the announcement...... OH MY GOD I DID IT! Tim Tebow really is the greatest thing since sliced bread! Okay, calm down. Hug mom, hug dad... now approach the stage. And hug... Danny Wuerfful?! Aw damn man! I know you're a former Heisman winning Florida quarterback too... but damn man! Now you got your Wuerffel cooty juices all over me.
Hello impending mediocrity.

Monday, December 10th
Into the mind of Michael Vick (Richmond, VA courtroom)
How did I get here? I still can't believe I've fallen so far, so fast. God damn Madden curse. I knew I never should've agreed to do that cover.
Man, Marcus is supposed to be the screw up. All the gun charges, getting kicked off the Hokies in college, getting drafted by the Dolphins... he was the one who did everything wrong. Now look at us, It's like a bad episode of The Twilight Zone! He's comforting mom while I stand trial for being the mastermind behind a dogfighting ring. This doesn't make any sense!
First of all, you don't really have to be a mastermind. Get two dogs, kick 'em in the balls a few times 'til they get real pissed off, and throw 'em in an enclosed ring... Voila! It's not exactly like I engineered the Lufthansa heist.
Second off, what year is it? I know I'm in a courtroom in the south but did they really have to dress me like Eddie Murphy in Life? This is so humiliating, even compared to the whole Ron Mexico fiasco. And if you can be embarrassed worse than when you were publicly accused of spreading herpes, you know your life has taken a wrong turn.
I've got a bad feeling this judge has it in for me too. I have this sneaking suspicion he didn't like that I used air-quotes when "taking responsibility." Oh my god... he's back. The moment of truth.....
23 MONTHS!? You gotta be f*@king kidding me! I can't spend 23 months in prison, it's inhumane! They don't even let me use my water bottle with the special compartment in there! This can't be happening! MISTRIAL! MISTRIAL! FAULTY JURYYYY!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Everyone has a BCS Breakdown and I want one too!

Every year around the holidays something very special happens, the sports nation as a whole stands spread eagle and accepts a collective kick in the Christmas bells. Yes, it is that magical time once again, when the BCS makes it selections, and leaves a big holiday crap on the doorstep of fans everywhere.
And every year, without fail, there comes a slew of articles from every writer of every kind on how badly we need to make a change. "The BCS is broken!," they shout. "A playoff tournament is the only way!," they beg. And each year, like Mrs. Clause's pleas for her husband to at least try NutriSystem, their words fall on deaf ears. So this year I am posing something different... I'm just going to deal with it. I'm not going to say how to fix this asinine system. I'm going to take it for what it is, just talk about it, and make my picks. That's right, it's time to act like the BCS is that hideous sweater your aunt gets you every year... just fake a smile and proceed to describe it for the camcorder.

USC vs. Illinois

With college football having gone completely haywire this season, a game that Michigan and OSU were supposedly fighting for two weeks ago now involves neither. The Illini and likely candidate for head coach of the year Ron Zook were powered largely into the BCS by their win over then #1 Ohio State.
While the Trojans have their stellar defense, which is second in the nation in yards allowed, to thank (as well as maybe owing Dennis Dixon a thank you for getting injured and ruining Oregon's chances at making a run, in their cosmic uniforms, at the Pac-10 title).
My Pick: Illinois, because I will choose a team coached by this guy any day.

Georgia vs. Hawaii

This one features two teams that may have each have quite a legitimate gripe. Georgia had hopes that its six straight wins may have been the necessary push to give them a shot at the title. Instead, they are facing off with the Rainbow Warriors... oh excuse me, they're just the Warriors now.
Then again, we can't laugh them off either. The colorful boys from the islands have put together the year's only unblemished record at 12-0. And while they did face one of the easier schedules, their is no denying their high-octane, in your face, no fear, offensive firepower rocket-show led by their brash, rebellious, fun-loving, gun-slinging quarterback Colt Brennan that we've heard so much about.
My Pick: Georgia, but I hope Colt Brennan replaces his Hawaii island dye job with a big middle finger to spite the committee.

Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
The Sooners gave their best campaign on Saturday by stomping the then #1 Missouri Tigers (now suspiciously absent from the BCS) on a neutral field to clinch the Big 12 title, but they too will be playing for less than they had hoped. But if there is anywhere they can find consolation, it will be when they look at their opponents.
The Mountaineers of West Virginia looked like a sure lock for a shot at the title until their star quarterback went down with an injury. The ensuing defeat at the hands of Pittsburgh, a team who had just recently lost to Navy (..... seriously), shattered any hopes Pat White and Steve Slaton had for a shot at the big one.
My Pick: Who knows, I will not be watching for fear WVU's uniforms will scorch my retinas.

Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
The Hokies of Virginia Tech were another team whose staunch defense was backbone this year. Having allowed the fifth least yards and second least points against, they proved to be a nightmare for any opponent on their way to an 11-2 record. Overall, this team just had a lot of fight in them. Wherever he is, Michael Vick is very proud.
Kansas, who by the way in case you haven't heard is not just a basketball school anymore, may be the one true anomaly in this BCS equation. While they did enjoy the best season in school history, their one loss came to arguably the only good team they played all year, Missouri. And yet somehow the Jayhawks managed to make the BCS over a higher ranked Missouri team. Who knows on this one? Maybe the committee thought it was the Bulbous Coach Selection.
My Pick: Virginia Tech, they're going to come at the Jayhawks like a pack of angry dogs.

Ohio State vs. LSU
Thanks in large part to not having played last week, the Buckeyes somehow managed to fall ass backwards into the championship game. Some will call this coach Jim Tressel's greatest coaching year, others will call it a load of crap that a team with an easy schedule and a mediocre conference could sit at home the last week of the season and back in to a title shot, but I guess we all have our own opinions.
As for LSU, it is hard to make an argument against them. At 11-2 and having just won the SEC title without their starting quarterback, the Tigers seem like a team that legitimately deserves a shot at winning it all. And as for LSU fans, more than anything they're just praying that the post game conference doesn't involve Coach Miles looking into the camera and announcing he'll leave for Michigan as he cocks his hat to the side and screams "You've just been Saban'ed!"
My Pick: LSU, based mostly on the 51 days Ohio State enjoyed off last year before being thrashed.