tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48572698699706281882024-03-13T17:18:25.503-04:00Errant Balls"Honest, hard-hitting, occasionally retarded sports journalism"TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-66485821721224979182010-04-13T15:46:00.003-04:002010-04-13T17:24:28.181-04:00Undead Earl Woods does not approve<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.masslive.com/my_wide_world/photo/5b6416b83c44436998c6eaf66f74be9djpg-bdc8b804f02ea053_large.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 432px; height: 240px;" src="http://media.masslive.com/my_wide_world/photo/5b6416b83c44436998c6eaf66f74be9djpg-bdc8b804f02ea053_large.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>By now you have all seen the bizarre venture into uber-creepiness that is the <a href="http://newteevee.com/2010/04/13/nike-hits-gold-with-tiger-woods-commercial/">new Tiger Woods commercial</a> in which he stares into the camera while being questioned by a voiceover of his disappointed and apparently recently exhumed father. While we can all sit back and judge whether or not Tiger and Nike are wrong for exploiting the words of the golfer's late father, one thing is abundantly clear, poor morals just don't fly with Tiger's pappy. So in a sports world so rife with depravity, we can't help but wonder who else zombie Earl Woods would like to give a good, stern talking to...<div><br /></div><div>BEN ROETHLISBERGER</div><div>"Ben, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. Are you sure forcefully groping women at every bar in the continental United States is the best follow up act to your 2009 Super Bowl victory? It seems to me that while you have not been charged with any crimes, you clearly are what some might call 'a bit handsy.' Regardless of the degree of your incidents or even of any guilt, you have officially replaced Kobe Bryant as the punchline in every athlete/sexual assault joke. I have also seen several mock Steelers #7 jerseys that read 'Rapelisberger,' 'Roethlisrapist,' and even the unoriginal but surprisingly amusing 'Rapey Raperson.' So my advice to you Ben, is to stop treating local watering holes like your own personal pap smear mobile and quit while you are marginally ahead."</div><div><br /></div><div>CHAN HO PARK</div><div>"Mr. Ho Park.. or Park. Wait, is it Park or Ho Park? Whatever. Anyway, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion in order to uncover the mystery of why you chose to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GIEHPGj9sI">share your bowel issues</a> with the media at large. Now I can see that whether it was your less than stellar outing or your game worn underpants, runs were an issue that day. However, I would like to extend to you the friendly suggestion of avoiding using <a href="http://thats-just-sick-and-wrong.com/Images/Kenny.jpg">a grisly case of diarrhea</a> as part of any on-camera explanation. Sure, we have all been there. I've dealt with the Hershey Squirts. I've endured the green apple splatters. I've even fought off the vicious fudge dragon from the fiery depths of ballon-knot canyon, but personally sir, well I keep it to myself. So the next time a physical ailment hinders your performance on the mound, why not just call it a rough day and spare the world an unnecessary look into your own private poo-poo platter."</div><div><br /></div><div>NY JETS</div><div>"I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion, because I want to understand why exactly you're snatching up the league's most morally debased players like hot cakes. Is it the pressure to live up to the riveting <a href="http://www.adamsfootballtrip.com/photos/large/IMG_2975.jpg">2008 edition of HBO's Hard Knocks</a>? Because let me tell you, that's just not going to happen. Did you see that season? That's just plain good television. Anyway, despite the possibility of solid cable programming, I simply cannot understand the motivation behind the signings you have made. Is it the hope that signing Antonio Cromartie will get you a head start on the athletic crop that is his <a href="http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/sports/Antonio-Cromarties-Kids-Benefit-From-Jets-Trade-86866902.html">small army of illegitimate children</a>? Or is it the possibility that adding Santonio Holmes lands you a player <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5037574">willing to throw a glass in the face</a> of a referee after a blown call? And most perplexing of all, why then did you sign good guy LaDainian Tomlinson? Was O.J. Simpson not available for your 3rd down back slot? In the end all I can say is this, you had better win. Because if you send out a bunch of amoral jackasses and still lose... well then you're just the Washington Wizards, and nobody wants that."</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-40475812443461658982010-04-06T13:46:00.004-04:002010-04-07T00:46:11.231-04:00The BALLS that must've tookHere at Errant Balls we admire few things more than a big giant set of balls (metaphorically speaking of course), and this week in sports was a true testament to epic ballery. Between carry-on firearms, facing the media to apologize for slinging more bologna than Oscar Meyer, trading franchise players to in-division rivals, and everything else that went down it was hard to even keep up with all of the balls going around. Not for a lack of trying though, so here's a nice little recap of this week in "the BALLS that must've took!"<div><br /></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#3333FF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">"Sir, are you </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#3333FF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">positive </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#3333FF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">you wouldn't prefer to check this bag?"</span></span></b></div><div>Hats off to Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers who had the gumption... no the audacity... nay, the straight up BALLS to carry a cocked and loaded handgun in his carry on bag at Hopkins International Airport.</div><div>Shaun, in this case, honesty is the best policy. In the dangerous and unpredictable world we live in a bit of paranoia and caution is understandable. I doubt anyone would be complaining about your weapon if there were hijackers, or God forbid snakes on that plane. So our advice is this, if you're going to lie about why you had the gun, don't say you "forgot" you had it. Refer to the Dave Chappelle rule of thumb here and just go with a good old "I'm sorry officer... I, I didn't know I couldn't do that."</div><div><br /></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#3333FF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">"I just want to apologize to my colleagues for having to answer so many questions about my wayward penis."</span></span></b></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 393px; height: 233px;" src="http://dailycontributor.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/snl-tiger-woods-skit.jpg" border="0" alt="" /><div>A round of applause is due to Tiger Woods who sat himself and his giant balls down at Augusta and offered a rousing "my bad" to the media on hand. In the face of an upcoming weekend sure to be filled with vicious sniping and heckling from the notoriously unruly Masters crowd ("Your lack of ethics and integrity may have permanently damaged your large-scale marketability... ya JACKASS!"), Tiger stepped up to the podium and performed admirably.</div><div>After what can only be described as one of the most epic wiener-romps the world has ever seen, it can't be easy to admit that "yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done that." Well really Tiger what you shouldn't have done is gotten married. Look at Derek Jeter, he's thrown more junk than the NYC sanitation department and he's on pace to be the next mayor, but I suppose that's neither here nor there. So in the end, we offer a golf clap to you and your balls for facing the filthy, filthy music.</div><div><br /></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#3333FF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">"We can't let Kevin Kolb rot on the bench forever, he could be the next Koy Detmer!"</span></span></b></div><div>Congrats to the Philadelphia Eagles brass, whose collective balls are are so incalculably enormous they couldn't even see around them when they accidentally traded their franchise quarterback to an in-division rival. I'll admit though, on some level you have to admire the nonchalant attitude of "Sure he took us to five NFC championships and a Super Bowl, but f*ck it. Washington, you take 'em."</div><div>Of course, only time will tell if this was a genius move or an epic failure driven by men blinded by their own uncontrollably huge balls, but suffice it to say that it is not exactly common practice to hand a rival your best player. In any case, bravo to the Eagles for sacking up and throwing caution (and reason) to the wind. And in the mean time, I'll just assume this was a foregone conclusion once you found out <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Donovan-McNabb-didn-t-know-that-NFL-games-could-?urn=nfl,122568">Donovan McNabb didn't know you could tie in football</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#3333FF;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">HONORABLE MENTIONS</span></span></b></div><div>- Butler Bulldog <a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/03I69gq2mQaMV?q=gordon+hayward">Gordon Hayward</a>, who despite looking like a 6'8" version of <a href="http://www.justmyshow.com/images/encyclopedia_brown_cracks_the_case.jpg">Encyclopedia Brown</a>, had the onions to take two game-winning shot attempts that narrowly missed. </div><div><br /></div><div>- The CBS execs that decided to have former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson sing this year's version of "One Shining Moment." Traditionally performed by the now departed Luther Vandross, it took some real balls on CBS's part to switch the artist in spite of the obvious likelihood of a smooth rhythm and blues haunting from Big L himself.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Chicago White Sox starting pitcher Mark Buerhle, for disregarding the strong possibility of smacking himself in his own tremendous beans with his glove and in turn, locking up the ESPY for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMXCMNyUnzc">Play of the Year</a> on opening day.</div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-9598913121634548432010-03-29T11:53:00.005-04:002010-03-29T14:42:32.248-04:00Ten Bold Predictions for the 2010 MLB SeasonAfter a lengthy hiatus that included a bit of experimenting with hallucinogenics and a trip to Tibet to really "find themselves," your Errant Balls are making their triumphant return stateside just in time for the start of 2010 baseball. And, in keeping with the proud and rich tradition of this haphazardly put together, grammatically reckless and brazenly fruitless blog, we're here to bring you our annual edition of bold predictions for Major League Baseball!<div><br /></div><div>- Slugger Alex Rodriguez will once again have a statistically magical season and playoff run fueled by a <a href="http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/07/26/alg_arod-kate.jpg">golden-haired muse</a>. This year... <a href="http://www.ananova.com/images/web/76522.jpg">Macaulay Culkin</a>. </div><div><br /></div><div>- Prince Fielder will establish himself as the Chad Ochocinco of MLB, one-upping his <a href="http://images.dailyradar.com/media/uploads/ballhype/story_large/2009/09/09/prince_fielder.jpg">controversial 2009 home run celebration</a> by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS4QGAtrCk8">slugging a beer whilst smoking a cigarette</a> as he rounds the bases.</div><div><br /></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 298px; height: 326px;" src="http://d0inw0rk.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/ron-washington1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /><div>-Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington will earn himself a five game suspension for <a href="http://content.usatoday.com/communities/dailypitch/post/2010/03/si-texas-rangers-manager-ron-washington-tested-positive-for-cocaine/1">trying to snort </a></div><div><a href="http://content.usatoday.com/communities/dailypitch/post/2010/03/si-texas-rangers-manager-ron-washington-tested-positive-for-cocaine/1">the chalk foul line</a> on his way to an early season mound visit.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Off-season acquisition Melky Cabrera will lighten the overall mood of the Atlanta Braves, showing teammates how to pass time in the dugout by cheering jubilantly and chewing paper cups.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Often fickle Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez will continue his annual tradition of demanding a mid-season trade, this time pointing to his preferred destinations as the San Francisco Quakes from the 1991 NES hit <a href="http://www.museumofplay.org/collections/online/Z003/Z00304/Z0030442.jpg">Roger Clemens' MVP baseball</a> or the <a href="http://www.impawards.com/1976/posters/bad_news_bears.jpg">Bad News Bears</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Tigers 3rd baseman Brandon Inge will land himself an additional $5M thanks to a contract incentive that nets him $100 each time someone refers to him as "scrappy."</div><div><br /></div><div>- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will be contracted by the U.S. government to serve up a tirade so unimaginably profane it will kickstart the nation's ailing economy.</div><div><br /></div><div>- An investigation will be launched into possible steroid use by Phillies All Star 2nd baseman <a href="http://laser.hairgrowthcenters.com/Portals/40854/images//ept_sports_mlb_experts-882010375-1256781044.jpg">Chase Utley</a> based on suspicions that the feds will refer to simply as "a mean case of Giambi hair."</div><div><br /></div><div>- The impending senility of Yankee owner George Steinbrenner will rear its ugly head when in a rare public press conference he refers to new Yankee outfielder <a href="http://www.nypost.com/rw/nypost/2009/12/18/news/photos_stories/108_curtis_granderson--300x300.jpg">Curtis Granderson</a> as "black Derek Jeter." </div><div><br /></div><div>- At some point, following some inexcusable fielding error somewhere, some guilty player will react by staring at his glove in complete bewilderment as if searching for some kind of obvious structural flaw in the webbing. </div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-20930622874598058182010-01-05T17:17:00.002-05:002010-01-05T17:20:29.047-05:00Our balls may be errant for some time...To our throngs of loyal readers (8 people qualifies as a throng right?),<div>It is with great sadness and very little writing skill that we announce Errant Balls will be on hiatus for some time as the staff (me) focuses on another writing project.</div><div>We look forward to a triumphant and marginally heralded return in the spring of 2010... see you then!</div><div>- <i>Errant Balls</i></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-22025889661258346302009-10-21T13:02:00.006-04:002009-10-21T13:22:51.665-04:00Yankees-Angels game 4 recap<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 24px; font-family:georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif;">The Yanks came back strong from their first loss of the postseason and put up 10 on the helpless Angels. But don’t let the score fool you, this game certainly wasn’t lacking in the entertainment department. Here were my favorite moments…</span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- Scott Kazmir making the decision early on that since he couldn’t find rhythm or consistency, he would just pitch as slow as humanly possible. I see the logic, hoping the ump might get distracted by something in the crowd in his downtime, then in a panic call a strike he didn’t see. The downside though, was that the first four innings of this game ran just under 4 hours.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- 3rd base umpire Tim McClelland beginning his stellar night of complete ineptitude by calling Nick Swisher out for leaving early on a tag up in which he clearly had not. Though to be fair, maybe McClelland was just setting the world right being that Swisher had been called safe on a pick off at second moments earlier, when he was clearly out and should not even still have been on the base paths. In any case, umpiring has reached the summit of Mount Useless this postseason.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- Tex finally picks up a hit, then A-Rod drives him in with yet another home run. Following the game a jubilant Rodriguez would slap Reggie Jackson and demand he hand over the rights to the Mr. October monicker.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- Jorge Posada somehow advancing only from second to third on Robbie Cano’s booming double to center field. Although Torii Hunter did pull out the old school “pretend to catch it when it’s twenty feet over your head” move in center field, I see that one showing up on the next And 1 Mixtape.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- After getting a fresh coat of white-out put on his finger nails in the dugout, Jorge P<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">osada swipes them under Nick Swisher’s nose causing the outfielder to pop up in his seat. Have we just discovered the secret to Nick Swisher’s happy-go-lucky “high on life” attitude?</span></span></span></span></span></p><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwLFczSq3RtCKPfxH9zOVX7-si_itbFpTE5VVeGGSvrgnHQ-H7v6bQXzunHRLRs8_6V0__jUrlrL82c8NTkVtZiIFA43JNb7fQxhI9ZlQ0uSHjP0AfoRORdAgHM1soozGPSvjAyuYzoq2Z/s200/2outs.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395104810852070978" /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- Perhaps setting the bar for most retarded 30 seconds in playoff history, Posada and Cano find themselves both at third and in a moment of epic stupidity, </span></span><a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Umpire-Tim-McClelland-makes-the-worst-call-of-al?urn=mlb,197210"><span style="text-decoration:none;text-underline:nonecolor:#1F5488;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">decide neither of them should go back to the bag as Angels catcher Mike Napoli tags them out</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. But hold the phone, who’s the 3rd base umpire? Tim McClelland, who only calls Posada out because that crafty Cano just put his foot on the bag and acted nonchalant, and that was more than enough to convince McClelland he’d been there the whole time. Playoff umpires… </span></span><a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/playoffs/2009/columns/story?columnist=caple_jim&id=4581598"><span style="text-decoration:none;text-underline:nonecolor:#1F5488;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">best of the best</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- Kendry Morales absolutely blasts a neck high Sabathia fastball into center to start off CC’s first tough inning, prompting Tim McCarver to temporarily back off his theory that Sabathia could pitch 80 more innings if necessary.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- A dominating 7th inning by Sabathia has McCarver and Joe Buck not even talking about the game, but rather sharing stories that explain why CC is not only an amazing pitcher, but possibly the greatest man alive. In commentator terms, this is the baseball equivalent to “Favre-ing” someone.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- A-Rod adds a single and another run for good measure. Anyone else starting to think Kate Hudson has a detailed ’stats-to-sexual favors’ formula that has Alex filling up the box scores?</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- Chad Gaudin is inserted in the 9th inning to close it out in the Yankees’ “sorry we haven’t used you in 127 innings” moment.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- McCarver and Buck point out that it is the 99th birthday of the voice of Yankee Stadium Bob Sheppard, saying he is affectionately known around the old stadium as the “voice of God.” Seems a bit overdone, but in all fairness Sheppard was hanging out with God back when everyone just called him “Jerry.” In all seriousness though a well deserved happy birthday to a man the fans truly miss having around.</span></span></p><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 213px;" src="http://imgsrv.kluv.com/image/kluv/UserFiles/Image/pat%20sajak.png" border="0" alt="" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 24px;">- Yankee skipper Joe Girardi reveals that A-Rod and CC will start Thursday's game 5... alone... on short rest........ blindfolded.<br /></span><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- I give all the credit in the world to </span></span><a href="http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?content_id=7071131&topic_id=7223784"><span style="text-decoration:none;text-underline:nonecolor:#1F5488;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Pat Sajak</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, who is still going strong in the 9th and refuses to leave early. The longtime Wheel of Fortune host needed only to buy one vowel to complete his postgame reaction puzzle: S-H—T!</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:13.0pt;line-height:18.0pt;mso-pagination: none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- Gaudin throws his hat in the ring for heir to Mariano’s throne with a 1-2-3 inning. See you in the next complete blowout Chad!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- A final shot in the commentator booth reveals Joe Buck’s oversized head snapping back and dispensing a giant Pez candy for Tim McCarver’s postgame enjoyment.</span></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </span></span>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-48013944039545641162009-09-10T00:40:00.004-04:002009-09-10T02:06:37.933-04:00Ten Bold Predictions for the 2009 NFL Season<div>After an extended hiatus, your <i>Errant Balls</i> are ready to make their triumphant return. To my loyal readers, I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience or displeasure this may have cost the four of you. It was never my intention to alienate my loyal base, but when it comes down to it there are just a few things that can get in the way of blogging mostly drunken, while sometimes slightly humorous weekly articles completely absent of progress or profit. But I digress.</div><div>What's important is that <i>Errant Balls</i> is back, and just in time to fill you in on my generally heinous, yet not entirely impossible predictions for the 2009 NFL season... Enjoy!</div><div><br /></div>- The Jets new hotshot rookie quarterback will cost Chris Berman a hefty fine from the FCC when the ESPN host refers to him as Mark "Dirty" Sanchez in his week 3 highlights.<div><br /></div><div>- Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will avoid further trouble when he explains his <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/06/shawne-merriman-and-tila-_n_278494.html">little domestic mishap</a> wasn't meant to be a violent act, but was in fact a social commentary on the sad state of today's entertainment industry... then, God willing, he will find Tila Tequila and finish the job.</div><div><br /></div><div>- In an effort to make light of their reputation for trouble with the law, the Cincinnati Bengals will take a page out of the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJNC3dgreaU">1985 Bears book</a> and create a hit rap video known as "The Shawshank Shuffle."</div><div><br /></div><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="http://www.jewornotjew.com/img/people/al_davis.jpg" border="0" alt="" /><div>- Raiders owner Al Davis will once again make headlines when he trades Oakland's 2011 and 2012 first round picks to the Patriots for the heart of a ritually sacrificed Himalayan mountain goat.</div><div><br /></div><div>- The Philadelphia Eagles will enjoy a dominant season thanks to their offseason acquisition of the dynamic Michael Vick, who will run the "Wildcat" offense flawlessly, as though he has already had years of experience as the general in charge of an organized, yet chaotic, animal-centric scheme.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford will struggle mightily after being handed the keys to run the Detroit Lions. He will avoid harsh scrutiny however, when it is pointed out that the Lions were assembled by General Motors.</div><div><br /></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 130px; height: 97px;" src="http://www.draftdaysuit.com/wp-content/uploads/blogger/7538/1596/400/peyton%20manning.jpg" border="0" alt="" /><div>- The Colts will draw an unusual amount of delay of game penalties, when super pitchman Peyton Manning tries to maximize his profits by squeezing live endorsements in between audibles at the line of scrimmage.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Much maligned Tennessee Titan Vince Young's mental stability and quarterbacking ability will once again be called into question when he throws himself off a highway overpass, only to be intercepted by a pickup truck full of packing peanuts passing below.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will suffer his second public embarrassment in the new Cowboy Stadium, when a week six shot of him on his tremendous, but too-low jumbotron reveals he jots his game notes down in a <i>Hello Kitty</i> spiral notebook.</div><div><br /></div><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://www.sportssatire.com/content_images/brett-favre-crying-photo.jpg" border="0" alt="" /><div>- The Minnesota Viking's signing of fickle QB Brett Favre will eventually backfire, when a devastated Favre leaves the team at mid-season upon realizing the artificial turf in the Metrodome is completely un-mowable. </div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-71153190366091773462009-07-22T12:25:00.002-04:002009-07-22T13:30:22.378-04:00Bold MLB predictions for the second half<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.geocities.com/kelseygarciawilson/MLB_symbol.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 227px; height: 116px;" src="http://www.geocities.com/kelseygarciawilson/MLB_symbol.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a>With baseball's second half officially under way, it's time to start speculation on what we'll be looking back on at year's end. Who will make an unlikely run to the playoffs? Who will fall apart? Whose greasy hair product will cost their team dearly?<div>Well here at <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls</span>, we say "why wait?" Sure you can sit back and actually watch the 2009 season play out. OR, you could put your trust in an unresearched and shoddily put together blog that may or may not be written from a Blackberry while watching the recently released Blockbuster DVD of Watchmen. Let's just put it this way, one will take a whole lot less time, and isn't that the American way? </div><div>So read on, and believe every word of it, just so we don't have to say "I told you so" in November...<div><br /></div><div>- Following a 5 game losing streak that kills their chances in the Central division, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will say something so crude in his post game conference, that an appalled Andrew Dice Clay watching at home will faint where he stands.<div><br /></div><div>- The Phillies signing of veteran Pedro Martinez will eventually ruin their chances to repeat as World Series champs, when slugger Ryan Howard is lost for the season after slipping on the excess drippings of Pedro's <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://lancedrummondsmusic.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/soulglo.jpg">Soul-Glo</a></span> in the locker room and severely tearing his ACL.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Manny Ramirez will again be suspended for violating the terms of the league's substance abuse policies when he tests positive for the birth control pill, <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzg6_3WE2lNOS41ZlLX3eToLg6lsitFNxnF-8TSDUy7kYMU8CKYlDF3YnFjb_sMyeaOqbVwLCT1g7l2CZVR1KqvUOpvmI8I_SwoviNRblOlNNEZQcGeqrRCGpL_uagpzS79v5Y9a0iebhw/s320/beggin+strips.jpg">Purina Beggin' Strips</a>, and three times the legal limit of Elmer's non-toxic all-purpose paste</div><div><br /></div><div>- In an unprecedented effort to "boost their farm system," the Pirates will trade infielders Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson, along with the rights to their home stadium PNC Park before the July 31st trade deadline. The once proud franchise will subsequently be relocated to a suburban Pittsburgh-area high school field for the remainder of the season.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Orioles manager <a href="http://janeheller.mlblogs.com/DAVETREMBLEYESPN.jpg">Dave Trembley</a> will make a sad attempt at alleviating yet another losing season in Baltimore, promising fans at the season's final home game that at the very least he can find them exceptionally <a href="http://img1.priceline.com/pcln/gbl/Priceline_NegotiatorJab_800x600.jpg">low prices on off-season hotels and airfare</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>- Previously thought to be on the DL for only a few weeks at most, Mets manager Jerry Manuel will deliver the sad news on August 1st that the team's collective dignity is officially lost for the year and will require off-season surgery.</div><div><br /></div><div>- After 23 different All-Stars hit the 15-day DL in September, the stock of energy product manufacturer <a href="http://www.phitenusa.com/">Phiten USA</a> will plummet after it is realized that exposure of 5 months or more to their popular necklaces can cause severe and uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea. </div><div><br /></div><div>- The Yankees will play out the remainder of the regular season failing to beat the Red Sox, but will somehow win the division and avoid them in the playoffs en route to winning their 27th World Series. Hal Steinbrenner will declare the 2009 season an unabashed failure and immediately fire manager Joe Girardi.</div><div><br /></div></div></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-51502752851700885562009-07-15T11:31:00.003-04:002009-10-21T14:50:27.021-04:002009 MLB All-Star Game running diaryIt's our yearly tradition (going strong now for the second year in a row) of bringing you a running diary of baseball's mid-summer classic. The All-Star game is a rare opportunity to see stars from all across the league gathered in one place, making them far easier targets. And thanks to the fact that the league is still under contract with Fox, we're assured plenty of material from sources other than the players as well. To sum up, it basically writes itself, but we'll take the credit.<div>So here it is... the 2009 MLB All-Star game running diary!</div><div><br /></div><div>8:03- Has anyone ever noticed that <a href="http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-sports-media10-2009jul10,0,3066422.story">Fox's Chris Rose</a> looks like he could easily be the love child of Tom Arnold and Ryan Seacrest?</div><div><br /></div><div>8:04- Obama's time in the locker room is highlighted by him messing around with Ryan Howard for not winning the HR derby, and Howard subsequently giving him the "if you weren't the leader of the free world I would slap you silly" look.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:06- This Bank of America commercial has me wondering how they came to the decision to use Kiefer Sutherland as the voice of their ads. After all, nothing says sound financial institution like a celebrity with a penchant for binge drinking and <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/05/08/2009-05-08_alleged_headbutt_victim_designer_jack_mccollough_.html">head butting</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:10- The team intros have begun, and Joe Torre's nose now officially makes up 95.8% of his face.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:12- Legitimately thought Metallica lead singer <a href="http://laranjamecanica.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/james-hetfield.jpg">James Hetfield</a> had made the NL squad before they said who St. Louis closer <a href="http://cdn1.sbnation.com/entry_photo_images/46208/129564_cubs_cardinals_baseball.jpg">Ryan Franklin</a> was.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:16- Chase Utley made it through this year's intros without dropping an F-bomb on camera, but I like to think that in his heart he really wanted to.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:17- The game's best hitter receives a rousing hometown reception. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd hear 46,000 people chanting "Poooo-holes."</div><div><br /></div><div>8:22- Really enjoyed the poignant "All-Stars among us" segment with the former presidents recognizing some exceptional American citizens. Though I totally expected George W. Bush to give them all credit for raising awarity in their communities. </div><div><br /></div><div>8:23- Former president <a href="http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/brainiac/jimmy-carter.jpg">Jimmy Carter</a> is my new nightmare... he looks exactly like <a href="http://c2.api.ning.com/files/V3d3OCp3A2MLbERwMVCTpLUirpi6pecwnuV-MdnaqlL15nGjQhQIY5V1GugVbU0QnwZ4WFLwclbRmJXHlqTwn4AOcIhl5XEK/EmperorPalpatine.jpg">Emperor Palpatine</a> from Star Wars.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:29- The network that brought you groundbreaking series such as "The Simpsons" and "Married with Children" is taking yet another giant leap forward in television innovation... Airing this fall, "Brothers" starring Michael Strahan... there are no words.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:37- The hall of fame Cardinals make their way out to the field in bright red blazers and ties. Anyone watching in a bar with the sound off genuinely thinks they are a barbershop quartet about to perform the National Anthem.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:39- President Obama's ceremonial first pitch is a high looping curve, but not bad. I give him 5th for the best presidential throw ever, and 1st for the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p30OlSK28Ug&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fgawker%2Ecom%2F5314808%2Fdid%2Dbarack%2Dobama%2Dblow%2Dhis%2Dall%2Bstar%2Dgame%2Dfirst%2Dpitch&feature=player_embedded">highest pants ever worn out to the mound... ever</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:42- Thanks to Tim McCarver's complete inability to sell subtle metaphors, any casual fans watching the game now think 25 year old NL starter Tim Lincecum <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">actually </span>has a bionic arm.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:44- Just counted, Taco Bell's new bacon burrito commercial actually says the word bacon 8 times. Enjoy the new taco bacon burrito bacon with bacon, cheese topped with bacon and bacon potatoes bacon. For a limited time only at Taco Bacon.... bacon.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:54- Anyone who just flipped the game on was greeted by McCarver rambling about AL catcher Joe Mauer's constant left hand pounding, with Joe Buck immediately insisting he has the prettiest left hand stroke you'll ever see. Juvenile masturbation jokes follow in living rooms everywhere.</div><div><br /></div><div>8:57- The AL scores their first run off an Albert Pujols error; St. Louis fans begin coming to terms with the fact that the second round appearance in the HR derby was the best they're getting this weekend.</div><div><br /></div><div>9:09- Once daily SPIRIVA will apparently help clear the airways of asthma sufferers, with the trivial side effects of constipation and trouble passing urine. So breathe easy America... until you fill up with doodies and wee-wee and die.</div><div><br /></div><div>9:11- Roy Halladay's non-stickered helmet makes it obvious that no team wants to be associated with his All-Star at bat.</div><div><br /></div><div>9:20- Obama, now a DC resident, just referred to the Nationals as the only team whose fans have absolutely no hope this season. If I were the president I'd expect a pretty solid toilet paper job on the White House when I get home... you just pissed off the wrong 3 fans buddy!</div><div><br /></div><div>9:49- Zack Greinke just entered the game as the first legitimate All-Star representative of the Kansas City Royals in 106 years.</div><div><br /></div><div>9:58- Joe Buck just pointed out how much faster Carl Crawford might be if he actually pulled his pants up. Joe my friend, you are approaching curmudgeonly at an alarming rate.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:00- Fox needs to fire their caricature artist ASAP. The cartoon of Jeter they just showed during his at bat looked like Rodney Dangerfield in a Yankee uniform.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:15- Reliever <a href="http://image.examiner.com/images/blog/wysiwyg/image/Trevor_Hoffman.jpg">Trevor Hoffman</a> enters the game, he looks old enough to be <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/articles/218268-stan-musial-highlight-of-all-star-game">Stan Musial</a>'s coach.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:21- Fox cares so little about this actual game that they just tagged defensive replacement Jason Bartlett as Ben Zobrist and no one said a thing.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:24- It is now clear that the previous error was due to their extreme focus on the impending <a href="http://deadspin.com/5315119/yes-this-creepy-person-was-a-marketing-ploy-by-fox">non-verbal plug for their creepy sci-fi show "Fringe."</a></div><div><br /></div><div>10:28- It took 7 innings but I am officially ashamed that someone can mow St. Louis' historical old courthouse and gateway arch into the outfield grass and I can't even get my Ipod to stop freezing.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:36- Carl Crawford's leaping catch of a possible home run just saved reliever Jonathan Papelbon from the devastating prospect of an inning without a self righteous celebration at the end.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:44- Nice moment showing Derek Jeter hanging out with Mariano Rivera's teenage son, and I assume sharing with him the finer points of trawling for celebrity ass.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:46- National league manager Charlie Manuel pulls the baseball equivalent of taking out the kid with the club foot in dodgeball, ordering an All-Star game intentional walk of Victor Martinez.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:50- Manuel's plan backfires when Orioles' star Adam Jones hits a sac fly to give the AL the lead. Adam Joneses everywhere are praying they will soon be associated with this talented young man rather than a certain stripper loving, law hating cornerback.</div><div><br /></div><div>10:57- Really enjoying Atlanta catcher <a href="http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/06jAfv6c3TcPM/610x.jpg">Brian McCann's full beard and glasses look</a>. He should audition for the role of "Tech guy" in an upcoming heist movie.</div><div><br /></div><div>11:05- McCarver just dropped the bombshell that slugger Ryan Howard likes the ball over the plate... Tim, you are truly a wealth of knowledge.</div><div><br /></div><div>11:15- Really enjoyed the Gillette commercial where Tiger Woods tries to pay for body wash with a giant check. That's all... giant novelty items are funny. Just ask <a href="http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m309/FlyinHellFish666/NormMacDonaldgianthat.jpg">Burt Reynolds</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>11:22- Mariano Rivera induces a Miguel Tejada pop-out to seal the game for the AL in a paltry 2 hours and 31 minutes. Funny, between the vocal stylings of McCarver and Buck and being inundated by upwards of 3,000 Taco Bell commercials I could've sworn this was another 15 inning affair.</div><div><br /></div><div>11:29- Carl Crawford is named the MVP for making a catch that stopped the other team from tying the game... in the 7th inning. Needless to say that sums up this riveting experience.</div><div><br /></div><div>11:31- Without much reflection I've determined I was far more entertained by Magic Johnson's speech at the Michael Jackson funeral special than I was by the All-Star game... until next year readers!</div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-850146751321982092009-07-01T13:13:00.006-04:002009-07-01T15:22:59.329-04:00The Week in Pictures<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The equation is plain and simple: (Slow sports week + lack of time - the desire to think of fresh and original material) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">x</span> the amount of beers I have consumed thus far this week = The Week in Pictures!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Enjoy...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0feCfJkb5I7ez?q=yankees+mets"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Good luck this weekend Jerry. Just try not to injure any of your tough as nails players with a strong pregame speech.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/03RRdU1aaIdmt?q=yankees+mets"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Okay, now just try not to burst out in laughter on your way down to first... dead kittens, dead kittens, dead kittens.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/09Za4IB3wX7ES?q=white+sox+cubs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Sweet mercy that is one supple backside...</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0aMLfe55YCe7f?q=yankees+mets"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Look, all I'm saying is that the Mets as an organization have really fallen on some harsh luck this year. Is there ANY chance we did something to anger the Gods?</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/08U23wm1zL9c9?q=yankees+mets"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Not this time you little f*cker.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0fBcgkmbNV79a?q=NBA+draft"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Oooh look at me I'm Ricky Rubio. I was once married to Lucille Ball and when I go to the barber I just ask him for the 'lead singer of Journey' look... HAHAHAHA!</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/04trdMa55E9Cc?q=vince+carter+magic"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'd like to thank the Orlando Magic coaches and staff, their GM Otis Smith, and of course the almighty God for helping to get me the hell outta Jersey.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/05Zu4EL3w59z6?q=white+sox+cubs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I never feel half as safe as I do when I'm in your arms...</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0dIh6Z8fLLfqi?q=yankees+mets"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Seriously bro, if you're not completely sold on this whole hockey thing, there's room in our rotation.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0fJfes87GG7FC?q=white+sox+cubs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Ohhh well I'm sooo sorry I've offended the big bad superstar. I'm old... they slip out sometimes... get over it!</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/05LC9yPfjz7DG?q=NBA+draft"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I can't wait to tell that bastard P. Diddy I'll never have to dance around with his umbrella for a paycheck again!</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0c158zVa8N4TR?q=yankees+mets"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">This is even more embarrassing than that time I pointed up to God and screamed in praise and that seagull crapped in my eye...</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/03XRbld1PR2ip?q=NBA+draft"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Yeah I'm about as excited to go to Minnesota as I look... be strong Ricky... no tears.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/03IV62Y3O83tJ?q=NBA+draft"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Oh man the Grizzlies are gonna be heated when my physical shows I'm actually 67.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/04eh6s030f6Yc?q=vince+carter+magic"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I don't care if he doesn't win us the championship, I'm already lost in his eyes.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0egI28Efw36Zz?q=richard+jefferson+spurs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'm honestly just excited at the opportunity to play with all of these experienced veterans... I can't wait to ask Michael Finley what Dr. James Naismith was really like in person.</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">"</span></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-7900253744863094842009-06-24T11:15:00.014-04:002009-10-21T14:57:13.246-04:002009 NBA Draft AnalysisWith the NBA draft only a day away, we're running out of time to give you our very own brand of analysis for the top prospects for the '09 class. Sure, any sports site can tell you that so and so can shoot the lights out, or that such and such a point guard has Steve Nash-like passing skills, but is that really enough? Not for the true fan. So take a look at our <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">truly</span> in-depth breakdown of the hottest players on the market, in <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls'</span> 2009 NBA Draft Analysis.<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Blake Griffin</span></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 65px; height: 90px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbtqDwhX6G0LPPmm5lKqcbJKmd4XgjYztTfbq2n2X_ebeiSDjgMZyzkPsMs3A0GGh7-FE4RYKPUv3-YK0Cp12TXdY3MsXrYX5hfDMt-_bKjYkx4q-FzHpGrGCPAuGVmnFCppVwhAI7yiPm/s200/blake+griffin.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350929426540061602" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Positiv<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">es- </span>Strength and athleticism have him NBA ready now... Will immediately be a draw for crowds... <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"> </span>Apparently is happy to play for the Clippers (jump on this before he realizes <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">which </span>LA team you are!)</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Negative- </span>Severe concussion suffered last season could be the motivator behind his eagerness to join the Clippers tradition</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Where should he go?- </span>Whether he really wants to or not, Blake Griffin is going to be a Clipper. It has been made abundantly clear that there will be no suspense when it comes to this year's first overall pick. So where should he go? Probably to those self-help meetings held at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPNPMx6ezaI">Michael Olowokandi</a>'s house titled: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">I'm a Clipper, and I'm going to be okay...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">Ricky Rubio</span></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 65px; height: 90px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfBELU8W5XI5L8-8761uYrCRPn36Wr6OpHrOki4PZh_x1YJdNziB-ROOm2-4bwSwycwhkokzOTbZpeTEWd9S8IoxADPUYjuAZl10zunrLZ3ccJd729T1nfbHlPjqC8Jb9lsuQL0dT2B18R/s200/ricky+rubio.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350929604032319026" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Positives- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Pro experience overseas has given him toughest competition possible... At the age of 18 he still has a ton of upside... <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pete_Maravich">"Pistol" Pete Maravich</a> haircut allows him to be a true creator with the ball in his hands</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Negative- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Might just be a tanner version of "White Chocolate" <a href="http://photos.upi.com/story/t/94a156f58787da87aa3479765864bd66/Clippers-sign-guard-Jason-Williams.jpg">Jason Williams</a></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Where should he go<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">?- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">It's tough to say where Rubio truly <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">should </span>go in this draft. He could be taken anywhere from 2-6 and could easily find himself in Memphis, Oklahoma City, Sacramento, or Minnesota. All possibilities of which I'm sure the young guard is thrilled about. In the end, it's just a shame that Las Vegas doesn't have a pro team, because that is the town where Ricky belongs. Just say his name out loud and tell me you couldn't see throngs of tourists living it up at the luxurious <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Ricky Rubio Hotel and Casino</span>.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Hasheem Thabeet</span></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 65px; height: 90px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrlzyYBO56va_8X_SdobwIWw10AWanbovdIvnaGiU2i8ILBxafIIPNZVB38iLSLHuju1EmyFMl1QtuCEU3qPYNKGbW60Qu-BjnZaJlEwJfOcyBiCsk3bA63FmSmsKaU2n1ffthDVmlmaHb/s200/hasheem+thabeet.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350923739045500354" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Positives- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Shot blocking prowess will make immediate defensive impact... Raw physical build gives room for improvement... 7'3" stature adds possibility that he may be the next Greg Oden</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Negative- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">... he may be the next Greg Oden</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Where should he go?- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">In all likelihood it seems that the Grizzlies would be wise to lock Thabeet up with the number 2 pick. The Grizz haven't had a true inside presence since they traded Pau Gasol for a bushel of potatoes, and could really use a big man to shore up their defense. And on the upside for Thabeet, he'll have a few years to improve his game in Memphis before GM Chris Wallace trades him to a title contender for sixpence and a plowing ox.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Stephen Curry</span></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 65px; height: 90px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtNfoS6mikgSQ7lZygrm_e1kU15oM6jBKeQqp8RLIwNnw4KPiPGLzHAnGf1lXUiDLNitxF8YAbXKG2wf63hVkyZfEHy_cazUFL58rD1xqGJ9sRM8lj8Z-cqAFFJ-vT9Zaa_diGgjGTWEyW/s200/stephen+curry.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350926296126314178" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Positives- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Easily the purest shooter in the draft... Dad Dell Curry proves he has the NBA pedigree... Boyish appearance will allow him to sneak into opponent's practices under the guise of an autograph seeker</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Negative- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Teammates may be distracted by his <a href="http://www.joesportsfan.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/sonyacurry2.JPG">hot mom in the stands</a></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Where should he <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">go?- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">The Knicks showed a ton of interest in Curry right off the bat, and true to form, cast a light on exactly why other teams should take a good hard look at him. Thanks to their generosity and open drooling over Curry, they have all but assured he won't land in New York. Nice job dipsh*ts. So while he <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">should have </span>gone to the big city, look for Steph to land in either Minnesota or Sacramento.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Tyreke Evans</span></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 65px; height: 90px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhGHiV0JuH4NZT5McOzBWncKuYfKgs7bC2uW2_NN23E5U5IqOCxXld5MYfFmfS2Owz_ziZSwm9XymAynuKZ6wTGXQuy2Yy3OK2kWUMRgyaXXKG3TtWCvUqoNjc3nSAdahSoT2-kA4gjz5f/s200/tyreke+evans.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350929188428665954" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Positives- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Quintessential freshman talent who could have made the jump straight from high school... Short Memphis tenure had him learning much under John Calipari... It should be at least a full season before his <a href="http://www.cbssports.com/collegebasketball/story/11824711">fraudulent SAT's and free family flight</a> allegations come to light</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Negative- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Conference USA experience may have him convinced every team aside from his is nothing more than a whipping post</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Where should he go?- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Evans is another guy who could go anywhere from 3-8. His tough build and slashing ability make him an interesting prospect for all the teams involved. But we'll guess he winds up in Minnesota, under the assumption that by the time the draft rolls around the <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=4282279">Wolves will have traded for the rights to picks 2-21</a>.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Tyler Hansbrough</span></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 65px; height: 90px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOaSZAS0WI5mIuAcU7b4YZrjXmJhtBzfpOJNdNl70Kaa46OgF98JTW94779B0u0VxgTtjf8tal-LB-I_48lBtJ6Q_XS16h5PTpOU98J0_EQGXXpqqdh7sgk3U9Kikr-kwggGLS2YZfJ6_f/s200/tyler+hansbrough.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350930188023207282" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Positives- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Could easily be called the hardest working player in the draft... Toughness on the boards will add to any team lacking in the paint... Eyes are wide enough to provide great court vision, and the ability to see what will happen up to three plays in advance</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Negative- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zna9Q5_Qufc&feature=related">G</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=""><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zna9Q5_Qufc&feature=related">ame-winning shot celebrations</a> are not NBA ready</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Where should he go?- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Plain and simple, Tyler Hansbrough belongs on the Utah Jazz. Look at him... look at them. Tyler's workmanship and all out effort would fit perfectly with Jerry Sloan's tough guy style, and the raucous Utah crowds would go batty for his ferocious play in the key. This would be the most logical pickup of the sports year... that is until the Cincinnati Bengals sign Plaxico Burress.</span></div></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">Brandon Jennings</span><br /></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 65px; height: 90px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyYD3xk3Uwv8Xm2W1Zreb_5XCvTsbQgfELgN13vZHU_S3e4iz06FEUpk_jw_DOZAU0ERXS7rLIuly2WlmAyDYD6o2eFGKGNAhFZDK21ICVST7IxhNdlBJ7_-0KXk4b21onuDerVAyqg3g9/s200/brandon+jennings.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5350933796439508578" /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Positives- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Decision to skip college and play overseas proves he's anxious for the NBA... Has looked promising in preseason workouts alongside Steph Curry and Gerald Henderson... 7.6 ppg average in Euroleague action should translate to 3.1 ppg in the NBA, instant production baby</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Negative- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">80's style Gumby haircut makes him the most likely candidate to show up to the draft dressed like the ghost of Bernie Mac</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Where should he go?- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">Jennings is a tough player to place, because if he drops past the Knicks at 8 he could take a huge draft day slide. But for now, let's say he's the type of pick that is destined for New York. He has the athleticism and upside to tempt them just enough... along with the downside and complete bust possibility to be the next perfect "I can't believe we took this friggin' guy instead of..." pick for the Knicks (see: Renaldo Balkman over Rajon Rondo in '06).</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div></span></span></div></span></span></div></span></span></div></span></span></div></span></span></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-84767736268914750482009-06-03T13:54:00.006-04:002009-06-03T15:51:48.573-04:00The sports star Twitter feedEveryone has seen and heard about the mad craze that is Twitter. While Facebook and Myspace clearly cannot supply us with a sufficient amount of inane detail on the lives of others, Twitter can do just that. After all, how would any of my loyal followers get through the day without knowing my every move and receiving essential minute to minute updates on my activity like:<br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">just left the house after dropping a wicked deuce... pretty sure i was a few wipes short! :O</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><em><span style="font-family:times new roman;">about 1 hour ago from twitterberry</span></em></span><br /><br />And as all of you sports nuts know, Twitter has become a huge hit with professional athletes. Guys like Shaquille O'Neal and Chris Bosh says it gives them a chance to interact on a more personal level with fans. And the fans have obliged with over 1 million and almost 25,000 following the two respectively (ouch, maybe a few dropped Bosh after Shaq called him the RuPaul of big men).<br />In any case, it has come to our attention that not everyone is fully aware of what they are missing on Twitter. So it is with great pleasure that we use the infinite insider hook ups of <em>Errant Balls</em> to give the fans an exclusive look at the juciest Twitter posts of some of the biggest names in sports today... enjoy!<br /><br /><strong>Manny Ramirez</strong><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">feelin great about this season so far, i love LA!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>11:46 AM May 5th from web</em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">cant believe im out for 50 games for that! i thought it was allowed now that arod admitted it</span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;">9:32 PM May 9th from web</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">enjoying my time off, got back into collecting pogs and traded for a sweet kung fu panda slammer today!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>7:52 PM June 1st from Twitterberry</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span></em><br /><strong>Kobe Bryant</strong><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">just finished off melo and the nuggets, headed to the finals again! glad to be out of denver tho, <a href="http://deadspin.com/5273504/i-wonder-what-kind-of-clever-anti+kobe-shirts-orlando-has-in-store">theyre not very nice</a>...</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>11:01 PM May 29th from web</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">magic johnson just asked me if winning w/o shaq would be more special. like i needed shaq... wtf? lmfao!!!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>5:26 PM June 1st from Twitterberry</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">watching tape of dwight howard, thinking we should just bring adam morrison in to dropkick him in his supersized sack</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>12:43 AM June 3rd from web</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span></em><br /><strong>Tom Brady</strong><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">just had first practice back, knee is feeling great... theres nothing i cant do!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>6:12 PM May 27th from Twitterberry</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">just ran full speed up to a cop and grabbed his gun, when he saw who i was he chuckled jovially and took my pic... theres nothing i cant do!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>2:29 PM May 31st from Twitterberry</em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">just told gisele to shut up and make me a sandwich... seriously... theres NOTHING i cant do!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>12:03 PM June 3rd from web</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><strong>Shaquille O'Neal</strong><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">cant believe its a magic-lakers final. neither can win without the diesel tho, predicting a tie</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>1:21 AM May 31st from web</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">kobe told magic johnson i couldnt have won without him... omg! wtf? LMFAO!!!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>11:57 PM June 2nd from web</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">thinking of <a href="http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/buzz-log-bruno-stunt-staged.html">pulling a sacha baren-cohen</a> on kobe at the finals so he can really tell the world how my ass tastes</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>10:33 AM June 3rd from web</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><strong>LeBron James</strong><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">completely shocked we're going home, expected the world this season</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>12:34 AM May 31st from Twitterbug</em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">sorry i didnt shake hands after the game, but i poop my pants when severely devastated. the world didnt need to see that</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>11:47 AM June 1st from web</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">that kobe-lebron muppet commercial where he breaks my balls about championship rings is really starting to piss me off!</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>8:13 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry</em></span><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>John Calipari</strong><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">sorry to hear about the troubles at memphis, but totally focused on UK</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>8:16 AM May 23rd from web</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">shouldve known derek rose's 1600 SAT was too good to be true</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>10:52 PM May 31st from web</em></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">had no idea derek's brother was catching free flights on us, thought that kid was a flight attendant</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>1:21 PM June 1st from Twitterberry</em></span><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Carlos Beltran</strong><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">supposed to finally get in the game tonite, cant wait to take down pittsburgh!</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>3:02 PM June 2nd from web</em></span></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"><span style="font-family:arial;">just yacked my brains out all over d-wrights cleats... stuck in the bathroom :*(</span></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">6:17 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry</span></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">missed 3 games now w/ this stomach virus. pretty sure the pirates gave me scurvy</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"><em>11:21 PM June 2nd from web</em></span></span>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-2734265102431307682009-05-27T11:47:00.006-04:002009-05-27T12:58:16.957-04:00The NBA Conference Finals in Pictures<div>The 2009 NBA playoffs have been a total blast. Full of hard fouls, close games, and buzzer beaters, they have been an absolute pleasure to watch thus far. And luckily, the conference finals haven't been any different.</div><div>But rather than bore you with statistical breakdowns or genuinely intuitive and knowledgeable articles about these crucial series, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls </span>will once again be your source for the number one way Americans (namely anyone who is amused by our postings in particular) choose to get their information... with pretty pictures from the internet!</div><div>So enjoy this post of the NBA conference finals in pictures, and thank us for not asking you to strain your brainpower later...</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2234503&gameId=290520005">Nice shot... CELEBRATORY SLEEPER HOLD!!!</a>"</div><div><br /></div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235967&gameId=290522005">Dude, you gotta see the replay of that shot. Marv Albert screamed so loud his toupee ran off.</a>"<div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2234496&gameId=290520005">We're your friends and we're begging you, stop combing your hair like that. Why won't you just listen?</a>" </div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235963&gameId=290522005">R. Kelly was right! I </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235963&gameId=290522005">can</a></span><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235963&gameId=290522005"> fly!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2234492&gameId=290520005">If I climb Joe Smith in next year's dunk contest I'll bet I can dunk on a 20-foot hoop!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2237995&gameId=290524019">I'm just sayin man, if LeBron blows this series I say we choke his ass out... maybe we can even do it in my car right before the ESPYS</a><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2237998&gameId=290524019">.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2237956&gameId=290524019">This makes me mad enough for an ill-fated guarantee.</a>"<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2239053&gameId=290526019">Drink it in fans. Revel in why they really call me the Polish Hammer.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2238972&gameId=290526019">Wait a second, I </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2238972&gameId=290526019">did</a></span><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2238972&gameId=290526019"> used to play here! Put me in coach!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2239167&gameId=290526019">Me?! What did I do? I'm innocent... can't you see how pretty my hair is??</a>"<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2239154&gameId=290526019">OH! Right in the King James!</a>"</div><div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2237997&gameId=290524019">Chris Tucker?! Oh hey what's up man? I thought you were Cedric the Entertainer for the first 3 quarters!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2233939&gameId=290519013">How could you not recognize me!? I played your older brother Elliot in E.T.!!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2233930&gameId=290519013">I thought you were a Knicks fan you scumbag.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2233911&gameId=290519013">Why would you do that to my favorite ball you big bully?!!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2233908&gameId=290519013">They pay me every time I strike the JORDAN LOGO pose.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2233886&gameId=290519013">I mush you!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235366&gameId=290521013">Ooh lah-dee-dah look at me.. now </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235366&gameId=290521013">I'm</a></span><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235366&gameId=290521013"> the coach.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235360&gameId=290521013">Look, I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm just saying... Scientology? Really?! Come on guy.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2235349&gameId=290521013">Holy hell!! Someone tell Jack Nicholson his flabby old man gut is hanging out!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2236858&gameId=290523007">This ball is dangerously larger than the one we used last time.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2236740&gameId=290523007">For the last time I'm not admitting what drugs earned me my 2-year suspension! I'm in the middle of a game for Christ's sake!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2236732&gameId=290523007">Something tells me my puppy is never going to find his way home...</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2238555&gameId=290525007">You know officer I feel like you </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2238555&gameId=290525007">really </a></span><a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2238555&gameId=290525007">could've chosen a more discreet time to question me about who keyed Phil Jackson's car.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/photos?photoId=2238542&gameId=290525007">That's right son... silent but legitimately deadly.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-84140146263934323692009-05-20T10:18:00.011-04:002009-05-20T12:44:19.688-04:00Superstar To-Do ListsAfter a few weeks off, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls</span> is back in the swing of not-for-profit blogging... you're welcome world. <div>In the time since we've been gone, quite a bit has gone down in the world of sporting news. So here's a little slice of the everyday lives of the guys we've heard so much about. It's a peek onto the refrigerator Post-It note of the superstar athlete, with "Superstar To-Do Lists."<div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.foxbusiness.com/images/story/manny_wood250.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 190px; height: 250px;" src="http://www.foxbusiness.com/images/story/manny_wood250.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MANNY RAMIREZ</span>: LA Dodgers outfielder, after being suspended for 50 games for failing MLB drug </div><div>test<div>- <a href="http://www.detnews.com/article/20090516/SPORTS0104/905160357/1129/rss15">Make awkward and uncomfortable apology to teammates with the few words in my arsenal</a> <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4 </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;">- Send bacne treatment kits to all of the loyal fans who maintain their seats in the Mannywood section of Dodger Stadium</span></span></div><div><!--StartFragment--><!--EndFragment--><div>- Return to former supplement policy of never ingesting anything that isn't colorful and/or shaped like a Flintstones character</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">L</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">E</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">BRON JAMES</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">: Cleveland Cavaliers superstar, upon reaching the Eastern Conference Finals</span></div><div>- Appear in more commercials daily than the ShamWow guy <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><div>- Use opportunity to ask Dwight Howard for permission to jump over him and dunk Nate Robinson in next year's contest<br /></div><div>- Increase workout routine of <a href="http://www.wrensnestonline.com/blog/wp-content/scrooge-mcduck.jpg">money swimming</a> to twice daily</div></span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MICHAEL VICK</span>: Embattled former NFL star, upon his release from prison<br /></div><div>- <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4179874">Put football on the back burner and get my life back together</a> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;">- Have miniature versions of dog fighting rings assembled in basement</span></span></div><div>- Find out a good place to inconspicuously purchase <a href="http://www.tvacres.com/images/little_jerry.jpg">50 ill-tempered roosters</a></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">KOBE BRYANT</span>: LA Lakers all star, upon reaching the Western Conference Finals<br /></div><div>- <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/features/kobedoinwork">Crush the souls of Knicks fan base by having a documentary made of me by their most famous die-hard fan</a> <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;">- Cap off win of Rockets series by shaving "<a href="http://www.nba.com/rockets/news/Ron_Artestrsquos_New_rsquo-281507-34.html">Ron Artest is a Nutbag</a>" into my hair</span><br /></span></div><div>- Avoid troublesome Colorado nightlife during Nuggets series</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BLAKE GRIFFIN</span>: former Oklahoma standout, upon learning the Clippers have the rights to the number 1 pick in this year's draft</div><div>- <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/draft2009/news/story?id=4181653">Avoid breaking down in tears while acknowledging possibility of landing with the Clippers</a> <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;">- Contact Archie Manning to inquire into the art of just saying no</span></span></div><div>- Find flight of stairs big enough to knock me out of the number one spot, but small enough not to end career</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BARRY MELROSE</span>: ESPN hockey analyst, now dealing with unexpected extra attention thanks to exciting hockey actually being played</div><div>- Make a joke about every non-hockey athlete who leaves the game with a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_QKSDQSyZs">supposed "injury"</a> <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;">- Finish second act of "Sidney and Ovi" buddy comedy screenplay</span></span></div><div>- Cultivate mullet nightly with coconut milk and acai extract </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">MARK SANCHEZ<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; ">: New York Jets draft pick, now dealing with the whirlwind of being the next franchise quarterback in New York</span></span></div><div>- <a href="http://www.bittenandbound.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/mark-sanchez-gq-2.jpg">Gain respect of hardened New York fans with a seemingly <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Baywatch</span> themed GQ photo shoot</a> <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div>- Get out-on-the-town wardrobe advice from fellow New Yorker Sean Avery</div><div>- Change MySpace profile name to something more media acceptable than <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dirty+sanchez">Mark "Dirty" Sanchez</a></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">DENVER NUGGETS</span>: Upon realizing their May 25th playoff home game is in conflict with an already booked appearance of Monday Night Raw</div><div>- <a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/9586944/Nuggets,-WWE-in-smackdown-over-arena-confict">Do our best to ignore the fact that our owners had so little faith in us making the playoffs they figured they'd give the date to John Cena and the Big Show instead</a> <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;">- Set up steel cage ladder match between <a href="http://blogmaverick.com/2009/05/12/an-apology-to-kenyon-martins-mom-2/">Mark Cuban and Kenyon Martin's mom</a> (preferably with Mike Tyson as a special guest referee)</span><br /></span></div><div>- Plead with Vince MacMahon to facilitate the return of the Ultimate Warrior to the ring</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BRETT FAVRE</span>: Quasi-retired quarterback in the midst of making what seems to be yet another comeback<br /></div><div>- Deny up and down that I have any interest in coming out of retirement <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Monotype Sorts';">4</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Monotype Sorts';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;">- Lay low playing backyard football with dog and mowing lawn for several months </span>4<br /></span></div><div>- Make comeback (f*ck the Packers)</div></div></div></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-80509166989531311242009-05-06T14:28:00.001-04:002009-05-06T14:29:55.374-04:00See you May 20th!Sorry for the hiatus but the world of pro-bono blogging isn't as lucrative as I was initially led to believe. Anyway, we'll be back with a new post on May 20th... see all five of you loyal readers then!TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-13343268870318192722009-04-22T11:47:00.003-04:002009-04-22T15:30:29.746-04:002009 NFL Draft Preview<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.fearthesilverandblack.com/DraftLogos/2009draftlogo.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 188px;" src="http://www.fearthesilverandblack.com/DraftLogos/2009draftlogo.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>This weekend marks the yearly tradition of men sitting around for hours on end, throwing back beers, eating crappy food, and watching what could be called the most repetitive and mundane sports coverage of the year... and loving every minute of it!<div>That's right, the NFL draft is upon us. So prepare yourselves for a full day of hearing about the linebacker who is "an absolute beast," the tackle with a "tremendous upside," and the quarterback that teams are "truly in love with." And if there are no big trades or shocking picks, who cares? At least you'll enjoy seeing some crazy suits and watching the pained look on a prospect's face as he pretends to be excited to join <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">that </span>team. </div><div>In any case, since everyone else under the sun has a mock draft, so do we! So check out <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls</span>' breakdown of the top ten picks for the 2009 NFL Draft.<br /><div><br /></div>1) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">DETROIT LIONS</span> (Record: 0-16)<div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Offseason Concerns:</span> QB, Offensive Line, possibility that <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-lions-newlogo&prov=ap&type=lgns">adding teeth to their logo</a> may not be enough to right the ship</div><div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Projected Pick: </span>The Lions will likely go with star quarterback Matt Stafford out of Georgia. Stafford is the consensus top QB in the draft and supposedly excited at the possibility of hooking up with Detroit's talented receivers. If you're part of the Lions organization and there is a projected number 1 pick who actually <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">wants </span>to come play it Detroit, you leap on top of him like he's a sick gazelle... or just go with another receiver.</div><div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">One Wish: </span>That the "blame it all on Matt Millen" mantra will last through one more winless season.</div><div><br /></div><div>2) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">ST. LOUIS RAMS</span> (Record: 2-14)</div><div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Offseason Concerns: </span>Offensive Line, WR, that new coach Steve Spagnuolo's staunch "spell my name right or you're cut" policy will leave the team decimated</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"> Projected Pick: </span>The Rams will likely look to shore up their front line with the second pick, and settle on the athletic OT Jason Smith out of Baylor. After the departure of veteran Orlando Pace, there is a huge hole to fill on the offensive line (as well as in the local fast food chain's revenue streams) and Smith would be the perfect fill-in at left tackle.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"> One Wish: </span>That RB Steven Jackson continues to boycott all media outlets and thusly remains unaware that star NFL players can demand a trade.</div><div><br /></div><div>3) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">KANSAS CITY CHIEFS</span> (Record: 2-14)</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Offseason Concerns: </span>LB, Defensive Line, that Larry Johnson is easily the most likely candidate to be this year's Plaxico Burress</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span>The Chiefs hold a hot commodity here for teams looking to trade up for a shot at Mark Sanchez (Rex Ryan may be willing to offer up Kellen Clemens and his entire extended family), but if they hold onto the pick they will likely go with LB Aaron Curry out of Wake Forest.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: *</span>That new GM Scott Pioli's ties to the Patriots will somehow prompt New England to <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3942130">offer up players at a ridiculous discount rate</a> (*Note: The Chiefs are the only team whose wish has already come true).</div><div><br /></div><div>4) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 102, 102);">SEATTLE SEAHAWKS</span> (Record: 4-12)</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Offseason Concerns: </span>LB, Offensive Line, new coach Jim Mora's complete lack of a Mike Holmgren-esque bushy mustache leaves his upper lip dangerously exposed to the brutal Seattle elements</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span>Provided no trades have been made and he is still available, there is little doubt that the Seahawks will go after QB Mark Sanchez out of USC. Although quarterback is not their most glaring need at the moment, Seattle would love to groom the <a href="http://wearesc.com/media/images/article/1193108857.jpg">well-quaffed Sanchez</a> as a replacement for Matt Hasselbeck, who has been suffering from nagging injuries and male pattern baldness for quite some time. </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: </span>That new WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh will be even better than he was in Cinci now that he is no longer terrified to be in close quarters with his own teammates.</div><div><br /></div><div>5) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 51, 0);">CLEVELAND BROWNS</span> (Record: 4-12)</div><div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Offseason Concerns: </span>LB, WR, the danger of Brady Quinn gay jokes driving their young QB into <a href="http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2008/02/brady_quinn_part_of_rowdy_grou.html">more public slap fights</a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span>Defensive tackle B.J. Raji could be the most talented player on the board at this point, but don't be shocked if the Browns decide to take a chance on touchdown machine Michael Crabtree out of Texas Tech. And seeing as how the odds of a new pair of hands for Braylon Edwards popping up on the draft board are slim to none, this might be the way to go.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: </span>That new coach Eric Mangini can shed the "Mangina" nickname he earned in New York and return to the "Mangenius" status he so clearly never earned in the first place.</div><div><br /></div><div>6) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);">CINCINNATI BENGALS</span> (Record: 4-11-1)</div><div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; ">Offseason Concerns: </span>Offensive line, RB, the possibility of disgruntled WR Chad Ochocinco once again changing his name, this time to Chad Getmethef*ckouttahere<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span>The Bengals will likely go with a tackle on either side of the ball with the sixth pick, looking at Andre Smith, Eugene Monroe, and Michael Oher on offense, or possibly going for B.J. Raji on D if he is still on the board. In any case, the Bengals best bet is to go with whichever player is projected least likely to immediately commit a felony upon his arrival in Cincinnati.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: </span>That their often troubled new acquisition Tank Johnson isn't the final piece of the puzzle that will transform the city of Cincinnati into a post-apocalyptic hell not unlike Thunderdome.</div><div><br /></div><div>7) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">OAKLAND RAIDERS</span> (Record: 5-11)</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Offseason Concerns: </span>Offensive/Defensive Tackle, WR, possibility that new coach Tom Cable only took the job because <a href="http://i.current.com/images/asset/893/160/04/p0vc4D.jpg">Al Davis threatened to eat the souls of his children</a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span>It is widely believed that the Raiders will go with WR Jeremy Maclin out of Missouri with the seventh pick. Although most have Michael Crabtree as the higher rated receiver on the board, the speed-happy Raiders will assuredly take the quicker Maclin regardless of who is available. Upon hearing the news that there is no way he'll wind up in Oakland, Michael Crabtree immediately broke down and wept for joy until he passed out soaked in his own tears.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: </span>That Al Davis' senility level doesn't climb high enough on draft day that he demand they use their pick on The Mighty Thor: God of Thunder.</div><div><br /></div><div>8) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);">JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS</span> (Record: 5-11)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Offseason Concerns: </span>WR, CB, worry that they may find themselves coach-less after one of <a href="http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/47278/jackdelrioblaming.jpg">Jack Del Rio's neck veins</a> inevitably ruptures</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span>Although they did just obtain veteran wideout Torry Holt, <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3984684">the absence of a coked up Matt Jones</a> streaking downfield leaves the Jags with yet another spot open at receiver. They would love to address that with hopes that Michael Crabtree will still be available, but if not, expect them to go after a high profile tackle or linebacker. </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: </span>That for the love of God, Byron Leftwich does not manage to lead the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl.</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>9) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);">GREEN BAY PACKERS</span> (Record: 6-10)</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Offseason Concerns: </span>LB, Offensive Line, that their supposed franchise quarterback has not yet fully committed to the art of gun-slinging</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span> Expect the Packers to address their aging O-line here, taking the highest rated tackle available, and likely landing Andre Smith out of Alabama. Smith is a safe bet to go at nine, because his <a href="http://blog.al.com/bamabeat/2009/02/more_on_andre_smiths_rough_day.html">poor pre-draft decisions dropped him down a bit</a>, but the NFL has collectively agreed to take him somewhere inside the top ten, under fears that the millions upon millions of dollars he has cost himself may prompt a nationally televised if he slips too far.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: </span>*That they will not be forced to spend their Thanksgiving whipping the Lions up and down the field (*Note: The Packers are the only team whose wish has already gone unfulfilled).</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>10) <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">SAN FRANCISCO 49ers</span> (Record: 7-9)</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Offseason Concerns: </span>Offensive Line, QB, the threat of coach Mike Singletary winding up in jail after taking his <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3673441">pants-dropping motivational methods</a> outside the locker room</div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> Projected Pick: </span> The Niners will likely take whatever they can get at this spot, going after the highest available offensive tackle. If given a choice San Fran would love to improve on their QB situation (they're really showing a shocking lack of confidence in the 3-headed monster that is Shaun Hill, Alex Smith and Damon Huard), but there is no way a top QB prospect is falling to the ten spot. Besides, even if one did, they'd just mess it all up by <a href="http://blogs.nfl.com/2009/04/12/smoothing-things-over-stafford-to-visit-49ers/">grilling the guy on his parents' divorce</a>.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "> One Wish: </span>That Jeff Garcia "accidentally" wanders across the bay from Oakland and makes his way onto the Niners' roster.</span></span></div></span></span></div></div></div></span></span></div></div></div></span></span></div></div></span></span></div></div></span></span></div></div></div></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-9598465432326722982009-04-07T22:11:00.006-04:002009-04-07T22:55:02.178-04:00The Final Four in pictures<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-b0217H5QboZvC5mmG8FppaZB8DqL_-oS215ud_GFkx5-4oDXKvbGZBhFIEGuwxkfMoPRrq9zj9YMV3NpNLD_-Fz9-BXRW6RqZJ6vJhX3pGvNERG3_sBpqpMJcRudfxgp7n-4EsrGArpL/s1600-h/mens_off.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 155px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-b0217H5QboZvC5mmG8FppaZB8DqL_-oS215ud_GFkx5-4oDXKvbGZBhFIEGuwxkfMoPRrq9zj9YMV3NpNLD_-Fz9-BXRW6RqZJ6vJhX3pGvNERG3_sBpqpMJcRudfxgp7n-4EsrGArpL/s200/mens_off.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322138069538234818" /></a>Sadly, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls'</span> favorite sporting event of the year, the NCAA Tournament, drew to a close this weekend. But on the upside, it ended with our UNC Tarheels capping their dominating tourney with a championship and once again left me fighting an impending flood of man tears while CBS rocked Luther Vandross' "One Shining Moment." Now, having still been unable to completely regain my composure, I'll recap the Final Four weekend for you fans in the best way I know how... with pretty pictures.<div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/07YH1iQ9uh91Q?q=villanova">Hold on, hold on. Check it out this is my favorite part, this is where he finds Nemo.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/04YH7Ay35lb9z?q=connecticut+michigan">I mean sure I'm excited, but compared to this guy in front of me? Frankly my intensity is just piss poor.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/04np7ev4or4CI?q=roy+williams">Dead serious ref, one more blown call like that? And I'm taking this here, and going home.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/teams/photo?photoId=2195399&teamId=41">Hey! No up-the-shorts shots!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/teams/photo?photoId=2195411&teamId=41">Maybe we'd have better luck recruiting big men if our mascot wasn't a midget Spartan.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/05DscJMgAW3MT?q=roy+williams">Holy bejesus would you look at that halftime score?!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0dtg5fQdCX8sj?q=north+carolina">My finger smells strangely like crippling defeat...</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/teams/photo?photoId=2195660&teamId=222">Hey Tyler! A sphincter says what?</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/teams/photo?photoId=2195600&teamId=222">You have quite the polished offensive game... for me to poop on!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/teams/photo?photoId=2195640&teamId=222">Look if you're going to keep recapping your favorite scenes from </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/teams/photo?photoId=2195640&teamId=222">The Notebook </a></span><a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/teams/photo?photoId=2195640&teamId=222">there's no way I'm making it back into this game.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/05UZeWu8jPdZc?q=roy+williams">Wow Deon would it kill you to wait till after you shower to hug me? You smell like a hobo's foot.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0b6l5YM4Frbmb?q=connecticut+michigan">Haha so this is what I would look like if I was one of those famous head characters on </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0b6l5YM4Frbmb?q=connecticut+michigan">Futurama</a></span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0b6l5YM4Frbmb?q=connecticut+michigan">.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0cXu9BsarraGO?q=spartans">Yeah I know you haven't actually subbed me out yet coach. But I'm honestly just not that worried about it.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/02g39Th7Ew9PS?q=north+carolina">Joke's on you lady, that eyes wide open look he always has on his face is called illiteracy.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0eNK9Aj0LY0P7?q=tom+izzo">Okay so who exactly is the jackass that insisted playing at the Detroit Lions home stadium would somehow be an advantage??</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/095Uav16Kw0T2?q=villanova">No, no don't do it man! Look away from the scoreboard!</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0eCubaQ4rm6oi?q=villanova">Smell my cologne! I rubbed a sample from the new issue of </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0eCubaQ4rm6oi?q=villanova">Sports Illustrated</a></span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0eCubaQ4rm6oi?q=villanova"> on myself before the game... its Pleasures For Men.</a>"</div><div><br /></div><div>"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/038lfByc7e7Ia?q=tyler+hansbrough">Holy hell what is this confetti made of?! My skin is on fire!!!</a>"</div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-22821995476738773982009-04-01T10:55:00.008-04:002009-04-01T13:02:21.543-04:00MLB 2009 predictions: American League<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisBG-oWHS53uNH1RA5C2YKb4M28PmcxGlCvaTo5nt7RuV4TEl5UEDz7KB3K1XIWSNTlPxo7aj0K7i64w98WYUwbAX0H1grUJoBSvh1Mb0oRQNhYduKhGGu8wytTVZdhviJUpNVGO1TqHNB/s1600-h/AmericanLeagueLogo.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 192px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisBG-oWHS53uNH1RA5C2YKb4M28PmcxGlCvaTo5nt7RuV4TEl5UEDz7KB3K1XIWSNTlPxo7aj0K7i64w98WYUwbAX0H1grUJoBSvh1Mb0oRQNhYduKhGGu8wytTVZdhviJUpNVGO1TqHNB/s200/AmericanLeagueLogo.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319736964399082114" /></a>With the 2009 MLB season set to kick off in just a few days, we couldn't leave you hanging without part 2 of our annual preview. So enjoy <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls'</span> predictions for the 2009 season, the American League...<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Baltimore Orioles</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">After enduring yet another disappointing 90 loss season in 2009, manager Dave Trembley will learn the hard way that there is simply no room in the majors for a team with a clean-up hitter named Aubrey.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Boston Red Sox</span></div><div>Red Sox broadcasts will be noticeably less entertaining when commentators are forced to spend their first whole season going from "Manny being Manny" to "Jason Bay being boring and Canadian."</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">New York Yankees</span></div><div>After a wild offseason full of major spending and steroid scandals, Yankee headlines will be surprisingly dominated by newcomer Nick Swisher, whose carefree attitude and rock and roll music will teach the Bombers that winning isn't everything, and help them learn to enjoy the game again... Hank Steinbrenner will subsequently have him murdered.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Tampa Bay Rays</span></div><div>After dealing with a slow April start, manager Joe Maddon will be forced to explain why they sent star pitcher David Price down to the minors after he enjoyed a 1.08 ERA in spring training. Revealing a bit of his softer side, Maddon will admit he has a somewhat of a father-son relationship with Price, and that he didn't yet feel comfortable exposing the youngster to <a href="http://obsessedwithsports.com/2008/10/03/grant-balfour-has-a-potty-mouth-orlando-cabrera-doesnt-like-potty-mouths/">Grant Balfour's expletive ridden mound tirades</a>.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Toronto Blue Jays</span></div><div>Spirits among the Blue Jays players will hit an all time low in 2009, when an investigation by Yahoo Sports reveals that the city of Toronto, which has long been pushing for an NFL franchise, is actually trading them for the Buffalo Bills.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Chicago White Sox</span></div><div>Upon finding themselves with a surprising division lead come September, outspoken manager Ozzie Guillen will come under fire for his comments on his starting rotation: "They really have given it their all this year, and I couldn't ask for more. I mean, I think I came up in the same draft as (Jose) Contreras and (Bartolo) Colon. But Jesus, those wrinkly old f*ckers can throw!" </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Cleveland Indians</span></div><div>Controversy will hit the Indians locker room when notorious Major League groupie Alyssa Milano begins dating last year's Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. Upon learning this, new Indians acquisition Carl Pavano will land in hot water after making publicly disparaging remarks saying that "Cliff is more than welcome to my sloppy sevenths." </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Detroit Tigers</span></div><div>After being cut by the Tigers late in spring training, Gary Sheffield will insist that Jim Leyland (like his other former manager Joe Torre) hates black people. In a later interview Jim Leyland will clear things up: "My decision to cut Gary was in no way racially motivated. I do however, hate loudmouth, injury-prone, douchebags who hit .225. So... there's always the possibility it was that."</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Kansas City Royals</span></div><div>First year manager Trey Hillman says he is very excited about the Royals' strong arms on the mound this year, like Mark Redman, Sidney Ponson and Kyle Farnsworth. "With hurlers like that," Hillman said, "we should have no problem keeping up with the proud Kansas City baseball tradition in 2009." He then closed his door to the media, and could be heard softly weeping for several hours.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Minnesota Twins</span></div><div>Twins fans' high hopes for phenom pitcher Francisco Liriano, now two and a half years removed from Tommy John surgery, will once again be dashed when it is revealed that the doctors actually repaired the wrong arm and he is lost for the season when his left arm is blown out once again. On the upside though, upon his return in 2011 the Twins may very well find themselves armed with the league's only switch-pitcher.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Los Angeles Angels of the greater Anaheim metro-area</span></div><div>Trying to avoid a drop off in primal intensity after losing <a href="http://rightwingnuthouse.com/images/r359555598.jpg">fiery closer Francisco Rodriguez</a>, manager Mike Scioscia will require vocal cord surgery at the end of the year thanks to screaming like a coked up banshee each time a bullpen pitcher strikes a batter out.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Oakland Athletics</span></div><div>In a resurgent 2009, the A's will make their return to post-season play thanks to the acquisitions of Matt Holliday (a young Jason Giambi-like hitter) and Jason Giambi (an old Jason Giambi-looking gentleman with a mythological gold thong).</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Seattle Mariners</span></div><div>Enthusiasm for the return of Seattle's favorite son Ken Griffey, Jr. will plunge severely when a nagging hamstring has the slugger coming out for mid- June batting practice with his trademark backwards hat and <a href="http://www.mobilitybuddy.co.uk/92-rascal-600t">riding a </a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.mobilitybuddy.co.uk/92-rascal-600t">Rascal</a></span>.</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Texas Rangers</span></div><div>In an attempt to recover from the hit their image took thanks to the A-Rod steroid scandal, the Rangers will elect to have former President George W. Bush throw out the first pitch on opening day. Because as plain as day, everyone knows the best way to get America back on your side is to align yourself with George W. Bush. Goooooooooo Rangers!</div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-83226686731579055662009-03-31T10:56:00.005-04:002009-03-31T11:35:18.506-04:00Check out the new film Sugar on April 3rd<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-3_2lUoZXLj_0HCVoYsHyj1nfiNXU0FvA8M73zsqj0ZYJmloZopFz36DzbXZ1zsdwPcULXXg2KDfRspO_2C5UgO8q5UH_Pzm9RsA6uBa56N7RDKD-wgEXqMB4wEqiPqoS32ekb7R-YlLv/s1600-h/sugar_l200902051342.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 136px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-3_2lUoZXLj_0HCVoYsHyj1nfiNXU0FvA8M73zsqj0ZYJmloZopFz36DzbXZ1zsdwPcULXXg2KDfRspO_2C5UgO8q5UH_Pzm9RsA6uBa56N7RDKD-wgEXqMB4wEqiPqoS32ekb7R-YlLv/s200/sugar_l200902051342.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319366367848964626" /></a> Yesterday I had the privilege of sitting in on an advanced screening of Sony Pictures Classics latest release, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Sugar, </span>which will hit theaters in New York and L.A. on April 3rd.<div> Going into the screening, I didn't expect to see anything too divergent from the standard format most sports films tend to take. Knowing it was the story of a Dominican player, Miguel "Sugar" Santos, and his journey to the states, it was fairly easy to assume this was the tale of a young man's rise from anonymity to stardom, but it was anything but. </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"> Sugar </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="">is</span> much less a film about baseball, and much more a film about people. As American baseball fans most of us hardly tend to take notice of the inordinate amounts of players shuffled in and out of the sport throughout college, the minor leagues, and the majors. Even more so, I think we tend to dehumanize the players involved. But <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Sugar </span>goes a long way to remind us why we shouldn't. It gives a story and a face to put on the experiences that so many young men have gone through, but up until now have gone largely untold. </div><div> As baseball increasingly becomes a truly global sport (as evidenced by the solid whipping the U.S. tends to take in the WBC) more and more players are being shipped here in hopes of achieving the dream of making it big. But what is it like when they get here? Thousands and thousands of miles away from home. Struggling to assimilate to a culture they know almost nothing about. Trying to get through day to day activities while barely speaking the language. These young players are not only facing the pressure of trying to make it to the big leagues, but the pressure of everyone back at home counting on them, and perhaps most of all, the immense pressure of surviving when their world has been turned completely upside down. This film allows us to follow Miguel through the process, and to truly identify with what he is facing.</div><div> So if you like sports movies only for the times you get to see a stodgy lawyer lead a rag-tag team to the league championship, or for when a washed up quarterback helps his fellow prison inmates regain their self-respect, then <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Sugar </span>might not be the movie for you. But if you are a true baseball fan, do yourself a favor and check it out. You'll get to see a film that doesn't dismiss its hero as just a player, but shows what it's like to be the person underneath the uniform. And you'll enjoy a look into part of the baseball world you'd otherwise probably never even have balked at (cheesy baseball pun aside).</div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-4242359708496785272009-03-25T09:45:00.006-04:002009-03-26T01:13:41.777-04:00MLB 2009 predictions: National League<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggnhfiGWft58XM7bfXqcRL0W1t3izyu-DZ5r47GoFMxRDN8gPdWTYnfCrAAhIqRmukT3n2snZvGhYwfDsfht22AT6nhK0V8JQVbytD5hacprawlQLz2mmqxPX2-6clUDQ2p8sO_E0pylgD/s1600-h/National+League.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggnhfiGWft58XM7bfXqcRL0W1t3izyu-DZ5r47GoFMxRDN8gPdWTYnfCrAAhIqRmukT3n2snZvGhYwfDsfht22AT6nhK0V8JQVbytD5hacprawlQLz2mmqxPX2-6clUDQ2p8sO_E0pylgD/s200/National+League.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317163931168938450" /></a>The 2009 Major League Baseball season is set for opening day in just two weeks, and what would it be without <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls</span>? Well, it'd probably still be fine. But in any case, we're happy to serve up part one of our annual tradition, so enjoy your 2009 MLB predictions...<div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; ">Atlanta Braves</span><br /></div><div><div>Unwilling to accept an Atlanta team without John Smoltz on the roster, a deliriously sad Bobby Cox will force all of his bullpen pitchers to wear strap-on beards that he personally fashioned after breaking into Smoltz's home and combing the rugs for samples.<br /><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Florida Marlins</span></span></div><div>Forget 2009, all the Marlins players care about is that they will finally have their own home when the new stadium opens in 2012. Of course, now they all have to be sure not to do anything to up their trade value lest they be gone long before then. Also, they have to remember upon its arrival to enjoy it to the fullest before the Marlins inevitably trade the stadium for five smaller, but very promising parks in 2014. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">New York Mets</span></span></div><div>The Mets will break the trend of September collapses they have suffered over the last two years and make the inaugural season at Citi Field truly one to remember, as they will epically collapse by late July and turn to a desperation, mid-season trade for Aaron Heilman in an attempt to right the ship.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Philadelphia Phillies</span></span></div><div>After winning the '08 World Series, expectations of the notoriously raucous Philly fan base will be higher than ever. Legitimate panic amongst the players will set in around mid-August when a 3 game losing streak prompts the public execution of the Phillie Phanatic.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Washington National</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">s</span></span></div><div>Lastings Milledge's team leading numbers in home runs and RBI's will drop significantly after the <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/mets/2007/05/16/2007-05-16_lastings_latest_bad_rap-2.html">new rap single</a> he and his often embattled teammate release entitled "Put up yo' Elijah Dukes" goes triple platinum, sweeps the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Grammys, </span>and proves to just be too much of a distraction. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Chicago Cubs</span></span></div><div>A promising start to the season for the Cubbies will take an ugly turn when the newly acquired and ill-tempered right fielder Milton Bradley strikes out, snaps his bat in half and throws it toward the dugout, severing the right hand of Rich Harden and ending his career.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Cincinnati Reds</span></span></div><div>Young star Joey Votto's season will get off to a late start when he is held by federal authorities under suspicion of involvement in several mob related murders. He will be released in mid-April and issued a formal apology when authorities realize he is Joey Votto the Canadian-born, Reds first baseman, and not in fact, Joey "The Clown" Votto of the notorious Cincinnati crime syndicate.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Houston Astros</span></span></div><div>Things will get a bit awkward in the locker room between ace Roy Oswalt and his teammates Miguel Tejada and Pudge Rodriguez when Oswalt walks in on the two drawing a giant caricature of him wearing a diaper and crying that reads: "Wahhhh, performance enhancers taint the integrity of the gaaaame!"</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Milwaukee Brewers</span></span></div><div>Tragedy will strike the Brewers organization when after a wild night out on the town, the bodies of first baseman Prince Fielder and beloved mascot Bernie Brewer are discovered bloated and limp in the team locker room, killed by choking on a bear claw and alcohol poisoning respectively.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Pittsburgh Pirates</span></span></div><div>Nate McLouth, who led the Pirates in every major offensive category in 2008, will continue to be the only bright spot on the roster in '09 and live like a king in Pittsburgh. And by live like a king, we obviously mean have his pick of the ladies (that is once the field is pared down by the Steelers and Penguins... and if those who are left are willing to take his word that Pittsburgh does in fact have a baseball team and that he is an All Star). </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">St. Louis Cardinals</span></span></div><div>After a successfully dry off-season trying to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ckcw8hhwgE">keep out of trouble with the law</a>, long time manager Tony LaRussa will be fired after falling off the wagon in late September and insisting that Albert Pujols hit out of the 9 spot and Rick Ankiel switch back to starting pitcher where "the baseball gods meant for him to play."</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Arizona Diamondbacks</span></span></div><div>Freshly recovered from his hamstring injuries of 2008, Eric Byrnes' return will be cut short when he suffers a minor brain aneurysm in an intense pre-game <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.hrgweb.com/files/Image/TB/Picture1.jpg">Frutista Freeze</a></span> chugging contest with manager <a href="http://forum.diamondbacksbullpen.org/viewtopic.php?t=4823&sid=1229f4bd82876f6da1030ad5c7e5e55b">Bob Melvin</a> on opening day.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Colorado Rockies</span></span></div><div>Slugging first baseman Todd Helton's offensive numbers will hit devastating career lows in his 12th season thanks in part to the loss of his teammate Matt Holliday in the lineup, as well as the public revelation that his middle name is Lynn. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Los Angeles Dodgers</span></span></div><div>After rigorous off-season efforts to re-sign the hard hitting and enigmatic outfielder, the Dodgers worst fears will be realized when Manny Ramirez begins completely dogging it around June, in hopes of being released and allowed to follow the dream he has had since he was a just a little boy growing up in the Bronx... <a href="http://www.blogger.com/cache.daylife.com/.../%2006EE6yv3eB8C5/610x.jpg">playing cricket</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">San Diego Padres</span></span></div><div>Following the unceremonious release of closer Trevor Hoffman, and facing a likely departure of Jake Peavy, the Pads look like they're in for a rough season. But just when things look like they couldn't be worse, the team will be lifted when they remember at least their spirits aren't as low as the sales numbers for these <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDO61a4FvcZE9TNaYMuMmOH536wEHeYS7gOZF1H2ZoYuyj92oleXvmADs9moTmdDusEbq0XLbYtYk58q1B3WYfMPwzu-OGkoqQGPB0qRzH4kIgjgEEs9tHYTbND2_YotXg-olvsHsr0Lo/s320/72padres.jpg">sweet jerseys</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">San Francisco Giants</span></span></div><div>A paranoid and delusional Randy Johnson will have a shaky year at best, thanks to a severe mental lapse that his him sure <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rf02Sq2WZlM">that creepy virtual Tim Lincecum</a> from the MLB 2k9 commercial is out to take his spot in the starting rotation.</div></div></div>TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-50553927066926328522009-03-11T10:27:00.011-04:002009-03-11T13:07:48.183-04:00What they really said...Once again, in spite of a week full of compelling stories in the sports world, we as the population at large have been left with dry coverage and less than memorable quotes. So, if you're as sick of the filter that has been arbitrarily put on your sports coverage as we are then read on. Here it is, another exclusive edition of <span style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls' </span>"What they really said."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih-1ga_vfFY84D8SzE-6ljdTQFW8TClIZD0ZWdbis9XbQZkWEITFGM6i1UheiHun_2P_OCepaB-KiCJaObVA-dSe59H64GygGcuZKkyoR6tfmOtZtCu4D7FjJDKY0yBkrtrUxyvA94GjPA/s1600-h/alex_rodriguez_boat.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 111px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih-1ga_vfFY84D8SzE-6ljdTQFW8TClIZD0ZWdbis9XbQZkWEITFGM6i1UheiHun_2P_OCepaB-KiCJaObVA-dSe59H64GygGcuZKkyoR6tfmOtZtCu4D7FjJDKY0yBkrtrUxyvA94GjPA/s200/alex_rodriguez_boat.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311958377245279746" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dr. Marc Philippon, surgeon who performed</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> procedure on Alex Rodrigue</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">z:</span> "Well, Yankee fans around the country will be happy to hear that Alex's timetable for a May return in right on schedule. The arthroscopic surgery on A-Rod's hip went exactly as planned, no surprises. Well... scratch that. I wouldn't say there were <span style="font-style: italic;">no </span>surprises. Just none regarding the injury or procedure. I was however, a bit taken aback by the tattoo on his hip that read 'A-Rod + DJ 4ever' with a heart around it. Wasn't his wife's name Cynthia?... Oh well, all I know is it was very important to him that this procedure in no way damaged his ink. So whoever this DJ character is, they must be pretty darn close to Mr. Rodriguez's heart."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvuOogd4mcZh6S1wubLB6o7YKCpEk8a2Qe_2KHrS2Sh-SMT8riHf5IgH59nYxHJCL_SfUMThIguVpr8Y4fdy31cWxGSo7KjwNh-eaUUK2h18CJfJyMiFwMWLLoUizCGE2yYOUaif_mK1Yt/s1600-h/terrell+owens+driveway+workout.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 137px; height: 163px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvuOogd4mcZh6S1wubLB6o7YKCpEk8a2Qe_2KHrS2Sh-SMT8riHf5IgH59nYxHJCL_SfUMThIguVpr8Y4fdy31cWxGSo7KjwNh-eaUUK2h18CJfJyMiFwMWLLoUizCGE2yYOUaif_mK1Yt/s200/terrell+owens+driveway+workout.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311974791971610946" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Terrell Owens, on signing a 1-year, $6.5 million deal with the Buffalo Bills:</span> "I am absolutely excited for this opportunity to play with the Buffalo Bills. I felt like the situation in Dallas had gotten way too volatile and they decided to make me the fall guy, and that was a shame. But now I have a chance to start fresh here, where I truly want to be. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Voice beginning to crack</span>) I mean, what better place for a fitness nut like myself to go than the health mecca that is Buffalo, NY? (<span style="font-style: italic;">Lip begins to quiver</span>) Sure, I'll have to plow 3 feet of snow daily in order to do my driveway ab routine, but that's fine. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Single tear falls from his eye</span>) At least I am joining the proud, winning tradition of the Bills franchise... (<span style="font-style: italic;">Breaks down, now sobbing wildly</span>) DONOVANNN!!! Take me baaaa-haaaa-aaaack!!!"<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPDi3zVM2WQ_Vrswof2IO2mTgxXV9HV7sSDK1AVGUl4hnzNO1tE71UrexmUBqmljESuCfcvRR5bjPsy41-gDjqlws6ZSI3p_4LlnzCcKeDfJDuTY7aRTEow8glbprxBQkYB_x2a59v-eiX/s1600-h/felipe+alou.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 115px; height: 162px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPDi3zVM2WQ_Vrswof2IO2mTgxXV9HV7sSDK1AVGUl4hnzNO1tE71UrexmUBqmljESuCfcvRR5bjPsy41-gDjqlws6ZSI3p_4LlnzCcKeDfJDuTY7aRTEow8glbprxBQkYB_x2a59v-eiX/s200/felipe+alou.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311975011013819570" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dominican Republic manager Felipe Alou, on being ousted from the WBC by the Netherlands:</span> "The Dominican Republic is a country with a fine baseball tradition, so I cannot lie to you today and say that it wasn't tough to be dealt an early exit by a non-baseball country like the Netherlands. There's really no excuse for what has happened. I mean, I don't even know where the Netherlands is... wasn't that where Peter Pan took Wendy to get down? Hell, I'm almost 75 years old and I was about to insert myself to pinch hit for fear that I'd never be allowed back to my home country if we suffered a second loss at the hands of Rufio and the Lost Boys. But I guess when it really comes down to it, I have to give credit where credit is due. Those freaky-deaky Dutch bastards wiped the floor with us. "<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1kzi_E5RiDhn9UwusNJhUGnHxLlPXaElt7r2MmbaflRIX8B6fbRwThANuSTD5_m2APP9jqdGfWN6AKsZ9RTmaJ2QGT53VWM_0_VnDnahyZGbF_iVaLatXK2FvVcz411izsWFao2USJfbi/s1600-h/michael+vick+dog.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 132px; height: 151px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1kzi_E5RiDhn9UwusNJhUGnHxLlPXaElt7r2MmbaflRIX8B6fbRwThANuSTD5_m2APP9jqdGfWN6AKsZ9RTmaJ2QGT53VWM_0_VnDnahyZGbF_iVaLatXK2FvVcz411izsWFao2USJfbi/s200/michael+vick+dog.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311975405760816018" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sterling Realty Services, brokerage that ran unsuccessful auction of Michael Vick's mansion:</span> "Let's be honest here, we can't be all that surprised in a market like this one that we're having some difficulty unloading a $3.2 million mansion. And I'm sure Mr. Vick's current status as a convicted felon isn't exactly driving up consumer desire either. But it seems a little ridiculous that no one even reached $160k, which was required just to start the bidding. It's hard to understand how we could come up <span style="font-style: italic;">so </span>very short, even in such a poor market. In retrospect though, it may not have been the best idea to leave Mr. Vick's big-screen TV on with its closed circuit connection to his underground war room where upwards of 500 dogs died... but it was on when we got there. And I guess we may have been well served removing all of the dog skin rugs around the house, but we had planned all along to sell it 'as is'... Oh well, hindsight is 20/20."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUoHZ6uRbE25lwfS6mPd7rjpFLZ0kRz4AcyafVTm4FOFd8VLLqxhuerlFlleSbx5Xpum031RDDiX-gIv7cfmLweMv9mgqg_i57wa3licinzSLBfSyOBkQJwnI9Yb9sW-VC73jqGqMKYrsb/s1600-h/charles+barkley+jail.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 130px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUoHZ6uRbE25lwfS6mPd7rjpFLZ0kRz4AcyafVTm4FOFd8VLLqxhuerlFlleSbx5Xpum031RDDiX-gIv7cfmLweMv9mgqg_i57wa3licinzSLBfSyOBkQJwnI9Yb9sW-VC73jqGqMKYrsb/s200/charles+barkley+jail.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311975797556978690" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Charles Barkley, on his weekend spent in jail for a DUI:</span> "It wasn't as ter-ible as I expected it to be, and it had to be done. I made a mistake, and like any normal person I had to pay the price. Of course, my price was much less than that of a normal person, because of my famousity and all, but let's just say I had to pay <span style="font-style: italic;">A </span>price. And I'm okay with that. Overall, it was pretty relaxing. They let me rock my sweet sweatsuit, which is way more flattering than those striped pajama messes. You know I can't afford to be wearin' horizontal stripes, they didn't call me the 'Round Mound of Rebound' in my playing days for nothing. And for the most part, I just sat around and read. Since my stay was so short, I was able to avoid the washroom, which helped me avoid a new nickname like the 'Round Mound of Shower Pound,' and nobody wants that. Anyway, I think I really learned my lesson and I don't ever wanna go back there. Although I must say, if I ever do, I hope that next time I at least run into Madea and can snag an autograph."TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-1668267358603489132009-03-04T09:49:00.010-05:002009-03-04T12:40:33.366-05:00NFL off-season update<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw6TE6qgZ-P8XrqjBLT_0od3iJkRyBYhDUwGUqHwmosFj0FGksm2QRKsaxFj9nGT0k2pTUj9XL378xlJ6ZkcVrnDALAtd1rwpiymh1Y5QIX8Dasn1Uu9Hf4SH19b7jprl_pYktaxAKJPGI/s1600-h/nfl.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 155px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw6TE6qgZ-P8XrqjBLT_0od3iJkRyBYhDUwGUqHwmosFj0FGksm2QRKsaxFj9nGT0k2pTUj9XL378xlJ6ZkcVrnDALAtd1rwpiymh1Y5QIX8Dasn1Uu9Hf4SH19b7jprl_pYktaxAKJPGI/s200/nfl.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309386733875265298" /></a>The NFL off-season is in full swing with the start of free agency landing some big names in the headlines via fat new contracts, big time trades, and surprising cuts. While all of the changes can be a bit hard to follow, unemployment has blessed me with the ability to watch SportsCenter 14 hours a day, so I'm here to help. And remember, this is no fun for me. I'm gluing myself to ESPN every day for you people, so... yeah, you're welcome.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Albert Haynesworth</span>- Possibly the biggest name (and biggest everything else for that matter) on the market signed a monster deal with the Washington Redskins worth $100 million over 7 years. The hefty defensive tackle is also slated to earn considerable bonuses each season, based of course upon how many in-division heads he is able to stomp.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian Dawkins</span>- The seemingly ageless safety wanted to remain a Philadelphia Eagle, but wound up signing a 5-year deal with Denver when nothing materialized. Maybe, however, the Eagles had the right idea on this one? If I'm a GM I can't in good conscience sign anyone whose <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/players/profile?playerId=0978">file photo looks like this</a> to a five year deal. Then again, this is the NFL, so the Broncos can always just cut him in two years when osteoporosis has ravaged his bones. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">T.J. Houshmanzadeh</span>- The Bengals lost their most versatile receiver and perhaps their most creepy hairdo when T.J. signed a 5 year, $40 million deal to head to Seattle. All I can say is it's a good thing Jim Mora has replaced Mike Holmgren as the Seahawks head coach, because with this signing there is no telling just how disgustingly soaked in saliva Holmgren's mustache may have become from having to say Houshmanzadeh over and over.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Bart Scott</span>- The Jets made their first big move of the Rex Ryan era, snatching Pro Bowler Bart Scott out of Baltimore with a six year, $48 million deal. The much sought after linebacker said that a late-night visit from Jets coaches really helped sway his decision, and that waking up in their team van after being chloroformed showed the Jets’ were truly committed to him.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Matt Cassel and Mike Vrable</span>- In a deal that surprised many to say the least, the Patriots traded their valuable backup quarterback and their long time linebacker to the Chiefs for next to nothing in return. The deal has aroused suspicion around the league because it seems that the Pats could have gotten so much more, but essentially handed the players to their former buddy and current Chiefs GM Scott Pioli. In any case, I'm sure this will all be cleared up when Bill Belichick points out that they simply felt obliged to offer Pioli the standard "thanks for not outing me for cheating all those years" discount rate.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Kellen Winslow</span>- After five rocky years with the Browns, Winslow was finally shipped out of town to Tampa Bay for undisclosed draft picks. Although an undeniable talent, Winslow couldn't seem to shake the injury bug in Cleveland, battling a bad shoulder and most recently a staph infected testicular region last year. To make matters worse his sometimes abrasive personality didn't help any with the front office. So there you have it Bucs fans, all it took was a few draft picks to land you a legitimate threat at tight end with an irritated set of balls and a bad attitude. Enjoy!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">DeAngelo Hall</span>- The Redskins were able to re-sign the big play cornerback by offering him a 6-year, $55 million contract to remain in Washington. Team owner Dan Snyder would like to extend his thanks to Al Davis, without whom the Skins never would've even landed Hall in last year's "Holy hell the Raiders are such a friggin' mess we're just going to start cutting superstars at mid-season" lottery.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Derrick Ward</span>- The Giants lost the all important wind in their three-headed "Earth, Wind and Fire" running attack when Derrick Ward signed a 4-year, $17 million deal to join the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Earth (Brandon Jacobs) and Fire (Ahmad Bradshaw) were reportedly so devastated they spent the entire day watching old highlight montages, while stuffing their faces with Rocky Road ice cream and listening to “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR4Ovy3LarE">After the love has gone</a>” on repeat.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Laveranues Coles</span>- In a bit of a surprise move, the Jets cleared cap space by electing to cut long time number one receiver Laveranues Coles. While upset to be parting ways with Gang Green, with whom he has spent the majority of his career, Coles says he is looking forward to a possible reunion with former QB Chad Pennington in Miami and playing a vital part in screwing the Jets in 2009. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Plaxico Burress</span>- While he is facing quite the daunting off-season in court, the Giants have said that if he is able to resolve his legal issues, wide receiver Plaxico Burress will be welcomed back to New York with open arms (and kevlar vests). If he in unavailable however, Big Blue will likely look to sign another big name receiver, <a href="http://nfl.fanhouse.com/2008/12/01/plaxico-burress-aka-harris-smith-claimed-incident-took-place-a/">possibly a Harris Smith</a>, to fill the void.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Kurt Warner</span>- Despite a fledgling interest in the 49ers it looks like Warner will likely land back in Arizona as negotiations with the Cards continue progressing. In a wise strategy, the Cardinals didn't complain a bit when their notoriously christian QB decided to visit San Francisco, and even supported him in exploring his options. And so, after only a short visit in the city with a... let's call it larger than normal <span style="font-style:italic;">Bravo Channel</span> watching community, and an inordinate amount of dreadlocked heathens praying to the gods of their choice, Warner bolted back to Arizona, even offering the Cards a discount rate.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Jim Leonhard</span>- Clearly picking at the remains of his former team, Jets coach Rex Ryan landed another former Raven in safety Jim Leonhard. While not a big time name, Leonhard, whose name is derived from the Gaelic word for Lionheart, should prove a valuable commodity on defense as he is able to debilitate opposing team members by <a href="http://www.toyarchive.com/CareBears/DisplayHeartHangingCousin2a.jpg">shooting rays of hearts from his fluffy tummy</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Jason Taylor</span>- Looks like the former <span style="font-style:italic;">Dancing with the Stars</span> runner up will be taking his fancy feet elsewhere this year, as the Redskins cut the Pro Bowl defensive end after his refusal to take a pay cut. Although reluctant to drop him outright, the Skins realized their need to make room for the other geriatric former stars they'll inevitably sacrifice draft picks for in order to hold down fourth place in the NFC East.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Michael Vick</span>- Still no foreseeable plans for Vick's NFL future, as the remaining 23 months of his sentence will be served under house arrest thanks to a lack of room in halfway houses. To me this seems too easy, I say do to him what he did to the dogs. Let him finish out his sentence on a convict filled barge, and send them out to sea where they will do battle until one is crowned king of their floating hell. <br />(gotta love the Simpsons)TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-13138843577203375702009-02-18T12:11:00.005-05:002009-02-18T12:40:24.619-05:00The week in picturesIt's back, every lazy reader's favorite kind of post. No thinking. No deciphering clever jokes. Just straightforward, could be easily understood by that 4 year old Chinese girl on the Microsoft commercial, pretty pictures with captions.
<br />Enjoy!<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CTommy%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --></style><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span>
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/02eg5Gr70Igdm/nba_all_star_game">There's a deadly meteor on a collision course with the All-Star game?! I'll save you sweet Dwyane!</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0eY8g6Wb2VeVN/alex_rodriguez">Yes, to answer your question... this is usually the face I made when the needle was stuck into my butt.</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/063u1iLbaB1wy/north_carolina_duke">Ooh a camera. Quick, you do your Schwarzenegger face and I'll do my best Bill Cosby!</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/03j37rVaiggJr/nba_all_star_game">Yeeeah Kobe, enjoy that whiff of my pre-game <span style="font-style: italic;">White Castle</span>.</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/04H26h5dkg2Z5/dunk_contest">I was a 5'7" white guy when I got into that phone booth!</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/29227354/displaymode/1168/rstry/29229984/rpage/1/">This move brought to you courtesy of Mr. Rowdy Roddy Piper!</a>"
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<br /><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/00JR5vc4HO3Nn/nba_all_star_game">An escaped mental patient gives actress Eva Longoria a scare at the All-Star festivities.</a>
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/05cd4cT3Xc2O9/alex_rodriguez">Psst, I didn't look like this much of a douche at my press conference last year did I?</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/096gcmhg0a34X/dunk_contest">Purple horseshoes, red balloons, pink hearts, green athletic apparel... all part of a balanced breakfast!</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0cGhf9J6dp6tG/north_carolina_duke">Hold him down, hold him down! SHOE WEDGIIIIIE!!!</a>"
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<br /><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/00inaKC1cE0ba/nba_all_star_game">"I really wish you wouldn't do this in public."
<br />"Shhhhh, don't speak baby... just let it happen."</a>
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<br /><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/09A38rE2Ppf72/north_carolina_duke">And every last Who in Who-ville was given a free screening for prostate cancer...</a>
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0cjrd5b7YS6ZR/dunk_contest">Me pot of gold!</a>"
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<br />Featured in next month's issue of <span style="font-style: italic;">Highlights for Kids: </span><a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/02H200F7QveEG/nba_all_star_game">Can you guess which one is an NBA center?</a>
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/01Ce6DS52laCB/alex_rodriguez">Steroids? He told me this was his 'coming out' party!</a>"
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<br />"<a href="http://www.daylife.com/photo/0eYWgm07Fr4FE/nba_all_star_game">Hands up! Baby hands up! Gimme your heart, gimme gimme your heart, gimme gimme all your looove!</a>"
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<br />TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-3069312911461344092009-02-11T11:28:00.011-05:002009-02-11T14:33:10.077-05:00An affair to forget<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDoTZG7mkOGTHvIR72sHaGHBixPATKcvXeqAsbSPijyqaxMGjKH639sEKh1XDum3laL9AoKQGQLKFVc_EI2Kh1E5ybix9DQoimf0CUmKs4WmGpkspa20T8rlgDC8I9tJtw6_p8pcZx2Z2B/s1600-h/arodinred.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 176px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDoTZG7mkOGTHvIR72sHaGHBixPATKcvXeqAsbSPijyqaxMGjKH639sEKh1XDum3laL9AoKQGQLKFVc_EI2Kh1E5ybix9DQoimf0CUmKs4WmGpkspa20T8rlgDC8I9tJtw6_p8pcZx2Z2B/s320/arodinred.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301610945515642338" border="0" /></a>For those of you who haven't turned on the television, radio or computer since last Saturday, we'd like to be the first to break the shocking news that star baseball player Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking steroids. Yes, in an emotional interview on ESPN, a regretful and eerily orange A-Rod came clean about his positive drug test in 2004. Rodriguez's admission has shaken the already fragile baseball world to it's core, and left many wondering where to go from here. There are Hall of Fame voters suggesting that anyone who has ever been under suspicion for performance enhancers should never be voted into the hall. And with 103 names yet to be released along with A-Rod's, that leaves us with the chance that many of the most dominant players from the aptly named "steroid era" may essentially not exist according to baseball history.<br />This possibility got us thinking here at <span style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls</span>, about the fact that a shameful era is almost an inevitability in modern sports. With the amount of money and fame out there for the taking, eventually someone is going to go to extraordinary and possibly unethical lengths to be a part of this world. And thanks to this, we're likely to run into a forgettable time for most every sport at some point.<br />So just to prepare you, we will now take a look into the future, at some of the eventual eras of shame for the sports world at large...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" >NBA- The Flubber Epidemic</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhigfr9jstfjfeyqAjrtJr1l6tCfB-W2M6girhTA-vayCdEohx9Y5-ks-BmYwrALAUVPkJJxHcTeHj7n8BiSh2RV0ajhRPHD0LChKjwA_Rp1vKBpZJWwT5hveOhQz6w7iQ6iv9jd2J5gQd/s1600-h/flubber.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 124px; height: 167px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhigfr9jstfjfeyqAjrtJr1l6tCfB-W2M6girhTA-vayCdEohx9Y5-ks-BmYwrALAUVPkJJxHcTeHj7n8BiSh2RV0ajhRPHD0LChKjwA_Rp1vKBpZJWwT5hveOhQz6w7iQ6iv9jd2J5gQd/s320/flubber.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301601724858828594" border="0" /></a>In 2012, the successful creation of flubber in a Cleveland teenager's basement will set off a sudden influx of white males under 6 feet into the NBA. The underground distribution of the materials between he and his circle of buddies will allow them to land tryouts with pro squads and find their way into the league.<br />While baffled scholars and sports minds alike scramble to figure out the cause of these seemingly miraculous talents, players like Rory McMillin and Jimmy Levinstein will replace LeBron James and Kobe Bryant as the faces of the league.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">NFL- The "I guess we should acknowledge the steroid era</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">," era</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_-L5w7z4SeHp0JCah0A9Y593VpfNjOum8oNi5S-M_hATqArqOmHabVwl2xqYbvFVLIKR2QTRr4IWCRsipQ9kh0-yrw_s0kP2CYzbK42rNNPcwKr-VqgO8TrlAnf3UewYsF8Vz-3G7MAG8/s1600-h/shawne+merriman.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 169px; height: 232px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_-L5w7z4SeHp0JCah0A9Y593VpfNjOum8oNi5S-M_hATqArqOmHabVwl2xqYbvFVLIKR2QTRr4IWCRsipQ9kh0-yrw_s0kP2CYzbK42rNNPcwKr-VqgO8TrlAnf3UewYsF8Vz-3G7MAG8/s320/shawne+merriman.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301608213755032994" border="0" /></a>In 2039, a weak kneed, tiny testicled, back acne'd, 54 year old Shawne Merriman will be the spokesman for a shrunken sacked army of former players to come out in protest against the NFL's lax steroid policies.<br />Though Merriman had been punished for banned substances while in the league, he will point out that overall use ran rampant, and that the NFL turned a blind eye and allowed it to continue. By enabling them to habitually use substances that hadn't been tested over long periods of time, the retirees blame the NFL for the tragic and debilitating side affects like Ray Lewis' hairless tail, Joey Porter's ever expanding plethora of nipples, Kellen Winslow's forehead ear, and Terrell Owen's leaky tear ducts (although that last one may not be completely attributed to steroids).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">MLB- The NyQuil Project</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj0B-Nbg4jquiMeSKFbKrT5TwsTw5PSEc8DWd8pDjVNu2BvmOhh1kWgAELOhfL6tQxTYU-EONH4p4rUyLtN-X0IvseLxs9nByuyRpcfwVQ_tc9evNE5c7mNzAwQ4sRD_Zh-lwGZjNNzCIF/s1600-h/Barry+Bonds+drowsy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 146px; height: 194px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj0B-Nbg4jquiMeSKFbKrT5TwsTw5PSEc8DWd8pDjVNu2BvmOhh1kWgAELOhfL6tQxTYU-EONH4p4rUyLtN-X0IvseLxs9nByuyRpcfwVQ_tc9evNE5c7mNzAwQ4sRD_Zh-lwGZjNNzCIF/s320/Barry+Bonds+drowsy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301616854109662418" border="0" /></a>In an effort to cure the league of the steroid issue permanently, commissioner Bud Selig will suggest a radical method of leveling the playing field for the 2009 season.<br />After releasing the other 103 names from the positive steroid tests in '04, Selig will invoke "The NyQuil Rule." Stating simply that, if you are one of the players named on the list, you must participate in every single game of the '09 season, and must take twice the recommended dose of NyQuil 5 minutes prior to taking the field.<br />The initial intrigue will cause a spike in television ratings, but the subsequent string of horrific injuries and nationally broadcast blood loss will eventually lead to Selig's Nixon-like, forced resignation.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">NHL- Don't forget to remember us!</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ_1L1CoKDbn3VMyAi5WRBH-HRlMviRooJFxph6678_W-cnF83qkBI3y_GL0rwDaPCVjgABFDDZDaQzq-5FA7oPPsVvlso9hBjwGRnGRm_ikjGVTYYjaU2S87n9kfWKid5ahCmomUkLKHk/s1600-h/stanley+cup+drink.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 117px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ_1L1CoKDbn3VMyAi5WRBH-HRlMviRooJFxph6678_W-cnF83qkBI3y_GL0rwDaPCVjgABFDDZDaQzq-5FA7oPPsVvlso9hBjwGRnGRm_ikjGVTYYjaU2S87n9kfWKid5ahCmomUkLKHk/s320/stanley+cup+drink.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301622801123658018" border="0" /></a>Seeing as how everyone has already forgotten about the them, Gary Bettman and the brain trust that have run the league into the ground will make one last ditch effort to revive the floundering NHL in 2015.<br />Now relegated to the <span style="font-style: italic;">Bravo Channel</span>, NHL games will feature an assortment of fancy gimmicks to keep the fans entertained:<br />- The return of the always popular and completely necessary <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FoxTrax">glowing puck</a><br />- Each team is allowed 7 skaters on the ice at a time, one wielding a concealed blade<br />- Goalies can no longer wear cups, and a shot to the beans is worth 2 goals<br />- Player fights will be banned, but if at any point two players disagree, their respective coaches must come onto the ice and bare-knuckle box one another<br />The attempts to save the league will fail miserably, and the final Stanley Cup ceremony will feature the live, mid-ice sacrifice of Gary Bettman, followed by the ceremonial drinking of his blood from the cup.TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-77590940069628083592009-02-04T11:54:00.008-05:002009-02-04T23:52:54.605-05:00What they really said...Too many times in sports, we as the fans get a raw deal on what we're told. We get to hear what the players and coaches have to say, but in a censored version. What they say on TV or in an article isn't necessarily what they really<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>say behind closed doors.<br />Lucky for you though, <span style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls</span> was able to obtain an all-access pass to last week's biggest events and happenings in sports (because that's the kind of thing you can obtain fairly easily in fake journalism). We got to conduct private interviews and attend private tapings under the guise that they wouldn't be shared with the public. But thanks to our complete lack of any standing credibility, we can share them with you anyway! So for your reading enjoyment, here is another installment of "What they <span style="font-style: italic;">really </span>said."<br /><br /><a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3863517"><span style="font-weight: bold;">A-Rod isn't even bothered by the whole A-Fraud mess</span></a><br />"Look, I'm sure Joe Torre had his reasons for saying what he said. Maybe it was money, maybe it was attention, maybe it's his irrepressible jealousy that I have killer pecs and he's sporting saggy, sandbag man-boobies. Who knows? The bottom line is I know my teammates, and I know the relationships I have with them. Whatever they call me I don't care, it's all in good fun. They can call me A-Rod, or A-Fraud, or A-close personal friend of Derek Jeter's. It really doesn't matter to me... although I am somewhat partial to that last one if you want to use it."<br /><br /><a href="http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/150832/14-times-Olympic-gold-medal-winner-Michael-Phelps-caught-with-bong-cannabis-pipe.html"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Michael Phelps on his infamous bong photo</span></a><br />"I regrettably admit the person in that photo was, in fact, me. I have let down my family, friends, and fans around the world by acting in a youthful and inappropriate manner. When it comes down to it I guess it all goes back to who I surround myself with. I mean, being that I am a swimmer, I've had some bad influences over my shoulder for quite sometime now. Every time I go to the pool he's all 'Don't forget to bring me.' And every time I get out of the pool all wet he's like 'Don't forget to use me.' And every time five minutes passes he's all like 'You wanna get high?'. So learn from me young swimmers, beware of this shady character (<a href="http://knifed.net/impute/Pictures/%7EForum/11-17-03/towelie.gif">File Photo here</a>). Don't get caught up like I did. Dope is for dopes!"<br /><br /><a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-superbowl-mvp&prov=ap&type=lgns"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Roger Clemens on the <a href="http://www.thenoonerblog.com/2009/01/29/the-gift-that-keeps-on-giving/">publicizing of his hot ball liniment</a> and <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3880712">tainted syringes</a></span><br />"Who among you can say you have never had blazing hot liniment rubbed on your testicles by another man? And which of you can step down off your pedestal and admit he has received mystery injections in his buttocks. So I will ask this of the good people of the jury at my inevitable perjury trial: 'Could not a DNA sample have been unknowingly obtained from my ass cheek, whilst I was distracted by the unimaginable, scorching pain in my ball bag?'... I rest my case."<br /><br /><a href="http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hdH28nA94iNXKnzBSIugvdyMROtg"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Barry Bonds on his pee testing positive for steroids</span></a><br />"They still have my piss test from 2003?! Ewwwwwww. Where the hell have they been keeping these things? Is there some kind of secret government pee silo that stores all of the athlete's tests from the last ten years or something? Because if so, I may just have to indict you U.S. government, on charges of being gross and creepy in the 1st degree."<br /><br /><a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-superbowl-mvp&prov=ap&type=lgns"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Santonio Holmes on being the Super Bowl MVP</span></a><br />"It really means the world to me. How it feels to know that a kid like me who grew up selling drugs on the streets could change his life so drastically and make the winning catch in an amazing Super Bowl is indescribable. And what am I gonna do now? Well I know I said it on the commercial but I'm sure as hell not going to Disney World. And you know what else I'm not going to do? I'm not gonna parlay my Super Bowl hero status into a self-inflicted gun wound and public humiliation next season. None of that. I'm just gonna head home, dial up my boys Towelie and Phelps and party it up with my very own 'chronic end zone' grass!"<br /><br /><a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/2009/01/30/2009-01-30_joe_torre_to_larry_king_i_wrote_the_yank-1.html"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The missing 2 minutes of the "Joe Torre on Larry King Live" transcript</span></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Larry:</span> My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Joe:</span> Great to be here Larry.<br />Larry: Huh?<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Joe:</span> I said great to be here.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Larry:</span> No, I didn't forget to take my pills!<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Joe:</span> What?<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Larry:</span> You heard it here first folks, Joe Torre is an admitted Anti-Semite!<br />(Bottom of the screen reads: <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">Torre: "I can't stand Jews."</span>)<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Joe (confused):</span> What the hell is this?!<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Larry:</span> So what put this hate in your heart Joe? What exactly did the Jews ever do to you?<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Joe (to producer):</span> What is going on here?! Is he okay?<br />(Producer runs on set, tilts Larry's head back and shoves a handful of pills down his throat)<br />(Long pause)<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Larry:</span> My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Joe: </span>..........TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4857269869970628188.post-79045386287941858532009-01-27T15:54:00.017-05:002009-02-04T13:48:57.733-05:00Guide to the utimate '09 Super Bowl partyEvery year you attend the same old Super Bowl parties, with the same old fix-ins and the same old betting pools. And there is no reason this year looks to be any different. And as for the game, I mean, we're talking about the Steelers vs. the Cardinals... so how many of us actually care who wins anyway? Let's be honest, you're essentially there for the beer, food, and commercials, so why not mix things up a bit to make it more interesting? If you're looking to make this year's event bigger and better than ever, read on for <span style="font-style: italic;">Errant Balls' </span>guide to making your '09 Super Bowl bash a party to remember.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ben Roethlis-mini-burgers:</span> Eat these mediocre treats while they're hot, because like Ben they're only just good enough not to cause you to lose it (see: <a href="http://scores.espn.go.com/nfl/boxscore?gameId=260205023">Super Bowl XL</a>).<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-iSoAln_vRlQJZ-eQdCqTyRJxLlkfHIOWHyAgnPGXzqyfalny6vrAv1Pgx3UUYtLQxGChtKmnYbqQt6YYz93e_sjJWGW68SgRcz9yKkuvXCllCTv-bX1jT2OnL38MnU3zHtJXMS-WMu8s/s1600-h/zima.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 103px; height: 160px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-iSoAln_vRlQJZ-eQdCqTyRJxLlkfHIOWHyAgnPGXzqyfalny6vrAv1Pgx3UUYtLQxGChtKmnYbqQt6YYz93e_sjJWGW68SgRcz9yKkuvXCllCTv-bX1jT2OnL38MnU3zHtJXMS-WMu8s/s320/zima.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296380769835686002" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">The "Don't be that guy" Room:</span> Set up a separate room in the house decorated floor to ceiling with Ricky Martin posters, stocked only with a warm six-pack of Zima, a Greek salad, and a 13" black and white TV for the purpose of exiling anyone who shows up wearing the jersey of a team that is not in the Super Bowl.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kurt Warner's Holy-hot wings:</span> Make your buffalo wings so spicy that your guests will think they see God. Whoever mows down the most without puking gets to wear the honorary strap on Warner-stubble for the remainder of the game.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Madden Audibles:</span> Take a few healthy gulp of beer each time John Madden says something you cannot understand for the life of you, this should guarantee you a steady, game-long buzz.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Challenge on the Field: </span>Fashion challenge flags for each of your guests using red fabric, dried rice and rubber bands. If at any time a guest would like anything (the last cocktail weenie, a fresh beer, a back rub) they can throw their challenge flag, but it must hit another party-goer in the face. If their flag flies true they must be obliged, but should it miss, they lose their challenge for the night and the extra flag is awarded to their intended target.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqoIXmmhduKEpXJm4i1_W0uyf2eF0hMa6OCVUvjD-YPPBkUwJpjitHqtXGufHmNyKxB-GwOtDocYJ3oj0sJLxfJ_vrLuNXYQZo2ECe0j7Pz-0EIQu3Rp-Vq4akRKfFBZEGgsxEh7wOq2vD/s1600-h/springsteen+face.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 138px; height: 185px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqoIXmmhduKEpXJm4i1_W0uyf2eF0hMa6OCVUvjD-YPPBkUwJpjitHqtXGufHmNyKxB-GwOtDocYJ3oj0sJLxfJ_vrLuNXYQZo2ECe0j7Pz-0EIQu3Rp-Vq4akRKfFBZEGgsxEh7wOq2vD/s320/springsteen+face.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296381185102648530" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Born to Run (to the bathroom):</span> Take a shot of tequila for every time Bruce Springsteen grimaces like he's trying to crap out a pineapple during the Super Bowl Halftime Show (not advised for those who are driving).<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Troy Guaca-malu</span><span style="font-weight: bold;">:</span> Enjoy this delicious and classic avocado Super Bowl standard... just watch out for <a href="http://beat.bodoglife.com/wp-content/uploads/troy-polamalu.jpg">24-inch long black, curly hairs</a> hidden inside!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sports Lingo Bingo:</span> Make up bingo boards for each of your guests with a random combination of contrived sports vocabulary filling the board (some helpful suggestions for this year are oft heard sayings like<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span></span>ball-hawk, sneaky fast, in the trenches, something to prove, road to the Super Bowl, pick-6, pay dirt, class act, etc.</span>)... first to 5 in a row gets to take home all of the leftovers!<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Shotgun Slap:</span> If at any point it is determined by all other party-goers that a guest is forcibly over-laughing at a commercial that does not justify it, said guest must either shotgun a beer or be subject to one face slap by the largest handed person in the room.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ9zp4-HeOp9o5ieApjtUhYpJqPiW4DiEoJ__sDddzx2QCo22oFqEM0T3AMUp7K9UbDywKr1E2UQrNteQSj0J6Iybu7zgB5XjC1PyJaMHNZGe4F2pjzSQHd1dTrNKV_PRVO2DHbDci8sYF/s1600-h/madden+cartoon.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 219px; height: 124px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ9zp4-HeOp9o5ieApjtUhYpJqPiW4DiEoJ__sDddzx2QCo22oFqEM0T3AMUp7K9UbDywKr1E2UQrNteQSj0J6Iybu7zgB5XjC1PyJaMHNZGe4F2pjzSQHd1dTrNKV_PRVO2DHbDci8sYF/s320/madden+cartoon.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296381610085124178" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jell-O Jigglers:</span> Each time NBC cuts to a shot of the announcers in the booth and any one of John Madden's chins visibly jiggles... Jell-O shots all around!TK Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10264837199843302977noreply@blogger.com0