Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Undead Earl Woods does not approve

By now you have all seen the bizarre venture into uber-creepiness that is the new Tiger Woods commercial in which he stares into the camera while being questioned by a voiceover of his disappointed and apparently recently exhumed father. While we can all sit back and judge whether or not Tiger and Nike are wrong for exploiting the words of the golfer's late father, one thing is abundantly clear, poor morals just don't fly with Tiger's pappy. So in a sports world so rife with depravity, we can't help but wonder who else zombie Earl Woods would like to give a good, stern talking to...

"Ben, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. Are you sure forcefully groping women at every bar in the continental United States is the best follow up act to your 2009 Super Bowl victory? It seems to me that while you have not been charged with any crimes, you clearly are what some might call 'a bit handsy.' Regardless of the degree of your incidents or even of any guilt, you have officially replaced Kobe Bryant as the punchline in every athlete/sexual assault joke. I have also seen several mock Steelers #7 jerseys that read 'Rapelisberger,' 'Roethlisrapist,' and even the unoriginal but surprisingly amusing 'Rapey Raperson.' So my advice to you Ben, is to stop treating local watering holes like your own personal pap smear mobile and quit while you are marginally ahead."

"Mr. Ho Park.. or Park. Wait, is it Park or Ho Park? Whatever. Anyway, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion in order to uncover the mystery of why you chose to share your bowel issues with the media at large. Now I can see that whether it was your less than stellar outing or your game worn underpants, runs were an issue that day. However, I would like to extend to you the friendly suggestion of avoiding using a grisly case of diarrhea as part of any on-camera explanation. Sure, we have all been there. I've dealt with the Hershey Squirts. I've endured the green apple splatters. I've even fought off the vicious fudge dragon from the fiery depths of ballon-knot canyon, but personally sir, well I keep it to myself. So the next time a physical ailment hinders your performance on the mound, why not just call it a rough day and spare the world an unnecessary look into your own private poo-poo platter."

"I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion, because I want to understand why exactly you're snatching up the league's most morally debased players like hot cakes. Is it the pressure to live up to the riveting 2008 edition of HBO's Hard Knocks? Because let me tell you, that's just not going to happen. Did you see that season? That's just plain good television. Anyway, despite the possibility of solid cable programming, I simply cannot understand the motivation behind the signings you have made. Is it the hope that signing Antonio Cromartie will get you a head start on the athletic crop that is his small army of illegitimate children? Or is it the possibility that adding Santonio Holmes lands you a player willing to throw a glass in the face of a referee after a blown call? And most perplexing of all, why then did you sign good guy LaDainian Tomlinson? Was O.J. Simpson not available for your 3rd down back slot? In the end all I can say is this, you had better win. Because if you send out a bunch of amoral jackasses and still lose... well then you're just the Washington Wizards, and nobody wants that."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The BALLS that must've took

Here at Errant Balls we admire few things more than a big giant set of balls (metaphorically speaking of course), and this week in sports was a true testament to epic ballery. Between carry-on firearms, facing the media to apologize for slinging more bologna than Oscar Meyer, trading franchise players to in-division rivals, and everything else that went down it was hard to even keep up with all of the balls going around. Not for a lack of trying though, so here's a nice little recap of this week in "the BALLS that must've took!"

"Sir, are you positive you wouldn't prefer to check this bag?"
Hats off to Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers who had the gumption... no the audacity... nay, the straight up BALLS to carry a cocked and loaded handgun in his carry on bag at Hopkins International Airport.
Shaun, in this case, honesty is the best policy. In the dangerous and unpredictable world we live in a bit of paranoia and caution is understandable. I doubt anyone would be complaining about your weapon if there were hijackers, or God forbid snakes on that plane. So our advice is this, if you're going to lie about why you had the gun, don't say you "forgot" you had it. Refer to the Dave Chappelle rule of thumb here and just go with a good old "I'm sorry officer... I, I didn't know I couldn't do that."

"I just want to apologize to my colleagues for having to answer so many questions about my wayward penis."
A round of applause is due to Tiger Woods who sat himself and his giant balls down at Augusta and offered a rousing "my bad" to the media on hand. In the face of an upcoming weekend sure to be filled with vicious sniping and heckling from the notoriously unruly Masters crowd ("Your lack of ethics and integrity may have permanently damaged your large-scale marketability... ya JACKASS!"), Tiger stepped up to the podium and performed admirably.
After what can only be described as one of the most epic wiener-romps the world has ever seen, it can't be easy to admit that "yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done that." Well really Tiger what you shouldn't have done is gotten married. Look at Derek Jeter, he's thrown more junk than the NYC sanitation department and he's on pace to be the next mayor, but I suppose that's neither here nor there. So in the end, we offer a golf clap to you and your balls for facing the filthy, filthy music.

"We can't let Kevin Kolb rot on the bench forever, he could be the next Koy Detmer!"
Congrats to the Philadelphia Eagles brass, whose collective balls are are so incalculably enormous they couldn't even see around them when they accidentally traded their franchise quarterback to an in-division rival. I'll admit though, on some level you have to admire the nonchalant attitude of "Sure he took us to five NFC championships and a Super Bowl, but f*ck it. Washington, you take 'em."
Of course, only time will tell if this was a genius move or an epic failure driven by men blinded by their own uncontrollably huge balls, but suffice it to say that it is not exactly common practice to hand a rival your best player. In any case, bravo to the Eagles for sacking up and throwing caution (and reason) to the wind. And in the mean time, I'll just assume this was a foregone conclusion once you found out Donovan McNabb didn't know you could tie in football.

- Butler Bulldog Gordon Hayward, who despite looking like a 6'8" version of Encyclopedia Brown, had the onions to take two game-winning shot attempts that narrowly missed.

- The CBS execs that decided to have former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson sing this year's version of "One Shining Moment." Traditionally performed by the now departed Luther Vandross, it took some real balls on CBS's part to switch the artist in spite of the obvious likelihood of a smooth rhythm and blues haunting from Big L himself.

- Chicago White Sox starting pitcher Mark Buerhle, for disregarding the strong possibility of smacking himself in his own tremendous beans with his glove and in turn, locking up the ESPY for Play of the Year on opening day.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Ten Bold Predictions for the 2010 MLB Season

After a lengthy hiatus that included a bit of experimenting with hallucinogenics and a trip to Tibet to really "find themselves," your Errant Balls are making their triumphant return stateside just in time for the start of 2010 baseball. And, in keeping with the proud and rich tradition of this haphazardly put together, grammatically reckless and brazenly fruitless blog, we're here to bring you our annual edition of bold predictions for Major League Baseball!

- Slugger Alex Rodriguez will once again have a statistically magical season and playoff run fueled by a golden-haired muse. This year... Macaulay Culkin.

- Prince Fielder will establish himself as the Chad Ochocinco of MLB, one-upping his controversial 2009 home run celebration by slugging a beer whilst smoking a cigarette as he rounds the bases.

-Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington will earn himself a five game suspension for trying to snort
the chalk foul line on his way to an early season mound visit.

- Off-season acquisition Melky Cabrera will lighten the overall mood of the Atlanta Braves, showing teammates how to pass time in the dugout by cheering jubilantly and chewing paper cups.

- Often fickle Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez will continue his annual tradition of demanding a mid-season trade, this time pointing to his preferred destinations as the San Francisco Quakes from the 1991 NES hit Roger Clemens' MVP baseball or the Bad News Bears.

- Tigers 3rd baseman Brandon Inge will land himself an additional $5M thanks to a contract incentive that nets him $100 each time someone refers to him as "scrappy."

- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will be contracted by the U.S. government to serve up a tirade so unimaginably profane it will kickstart the nation's ailing economy.

- An investigation will be launched into possible steroid use by Phillies All Star 2nd baseman Chase Utley based on suspicions that the feds will refer to simply as "a mean case of Giambi hair."

- The impending senility of Yankee owner George Steinbrenner will rear its ugly head when in a rare public press conference he refers to new Yankee outfielder Curtis Granderson as "black Derek Jeter."

- At some point, following some inexcusable fielding error somewhere, some guilty player will react by staring at his glove in complete bewilderment as if searching for some kind of obvious structural flaw in the webbing.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Our balls may be errant for some time...

To our throngs of loyal readers (8 people qualifies as a throng right?),
It is with great sadness and very little writing skill that we announce Errant Balls will be on hiatus for some time as the staff (me) focuses on another writing project.
We look forward to a triumphant and marginally heralded return in the spring of 2010... see you then!
- Errant Balls