Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Superstar To-Do Lists

After a few weeks off, Errant Balls is back in the swing of not-for-profit blogging... you're welcome world.  
In the time since we've been gone, quite a bit has gone down in the world of sporting news.  So here's a little slice of the everyday lives of the guys we've heard so much about.  It's a peek onto the refrigerator Post-It note of the superstar athlete, with "Superstar To-Do Lists."

MANNY RAMIREZ: LA Dodgers outfielder, after being suspended for 50 games for failing MLB drug 
- Send bacne treatment kits to all of the loyal fans who maintain their seats in the Mannywood section of Dodger Stadium
- Return to former supplement policy of never ingesting anything that isn't colorful and/or shaped like a Flintstones character

LEBRON JAMES: Cleveland Cavaliers superstar, upon reaching the Eastern Conference Finals
- Appear in more commercials daily than the ShamWow guy 4
- Use opportunity to ask Dwight Howard for permission to jump over him and dunk Nate Robinson in next year's contest
- Increase workout routine of money swimming to twice daily

MICHAEL VICK: Embattled former NFL star, upon his release from prison
- Have miniature versions of dog fighting rings assembled in basement
- Find out a good place to inconspicuously purchase 50 ill-tempered roosters

KOBE BRYANT: LA Lakers all star, upon reaching the Western Conference Finals
- Cap off win of Rockets series by shaving "Ron Artest is a Nutbag" into my hair
- Avoid troublesome Colorado nightlife during Nuggets series

BLAKE GRIFFIN: former Oklahoma standout, upon learning the Clippers have the rights to the number 1 pick in this year's draft
- Contact Archie Manning to inquire into the art of just saying no
- Find flight of stairs big enough to knock me out of the number one spot, but small enough not to end career

BARRY MELROSE: ESPN hockey analyst, now dealing with unexpected extra attention thanks to exciting hockey actually being played
- Make a joke about every non-hockey athlete who leaves the game with a supposed "injury" 4
- Finish second act of "Sidney and Ovi" buddy comedy screenplay
- Cultivate mullet nightly with coconut milk and acai extract 

MARK SANCHEZ: New York Jets draft pick, now dealing with the whirlwind of being the next franchise quarterback in New York
- Get out-on-the-town wardrobe advice from fellow New Yorker Sean Avery
- Change MySpace profile name to something more media acceptable than Mark "Dirty" Sanchez

DENVER NUGGETS: Upon realizing their May 25th playoff home game is in conflict with an already booked appearance of Monday Night Raw
- Set up steel cage ladder match between Mark Cuban and Kenyon Martin's mom (preferably with Mike Tyson as a special guest referee)
- Plead with Vince MacMahon to facilitate the return of the Ultimate Warrior to the ring

BRETT FAVRE: Quasi-retired quarterback in the midst of making what seems to be yet another comeback
- Deny up and down that I have any interest in coming out of retirement 4
- Lay low playing backyard football with dog and mowing lawn for several months 4
- Make comeback (f*ck the Packers)

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