Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The week in pictures

It's back, every lazy reader's favorite kind of post. No thinking. No deciphering clever jokes. Just straightforward, could be easily understood by that 4 year old Chinese girl on the Microsoft commercial, pretty pictures with captions.

"There's a deadly meteor on a collision course with the All-Star game?! I'll save you sweet Dwyane!"

"Yes, to answer your question... this is usually the face I made when the needle was stuck into my butt."

"Ooh a camera. Quick, you do your Schwarzenegger face and I'll do my best Bill Cosby!"

"Yeeeah Kobe, enjoy that whiff of my pre-game White Castle."

"I was a 5'7" white guy when I got into that phone booth!"

"This move brought to you courtesy of Mr. Rowdy Roddy Piper!"

An escaped mental patient gives actress Eva Longoria a scare at the All-Star festivities.

"Psst, I didn't look like this much of a douche at my press conference last year did I?"

"Purple horseshoes, red balloons, pink hearts, green athletic apparel... all part of a balanced breakfast!"

"Hold him down, hold him down! SHOE WEDGIIIIIE!!!"

"I really wish you wouldn't do this in public."
"Shhhhh, don't speak baby... just let it happen."

And every last Who in Who-ville was given a free screening for prostate cancer...

"Me pot of gold!"

Featured in next month's issue of Highlights for Kids: Can you guess which one is an NBA center?

"Steroids? He told me this was his 'coming out' party!"

"Hands up! Baby hands up! Gimme your heart, gimme gimme your heart, gimme gimme all your looove!"

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

An affair to forget

For those of you who haven't turned on the television, radio or computer since last Saturday, we'd like to be the first to break the shocking news that star baseball player Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking steroids. Yes, in an emotional interview on ESPN, a regretful and eerily orange A-Rod came clean about his positive drug test in 2004. Rodriguez's admission has shaken the already fragile baseball world to it's core, and left many wondering where to go from here. There are Hall of Fame voters suggesting that anyone who has ever been under suspicion for performance enhancers should never be voted into the hall. And with 103 names yet to be released along with A-Rod's, that leaves us with the chance that many of the most dominant players from the aptly named "steroid era" may essentially not exist according to baseball history.
This possibility got us thinking here at Errant Balls, about the fact that a shameful era is almost an inevitability in modern sports. With the amount of money and fame out there for the taking, eventually someone is going to go to extraordinary and possibly unethical lengths to be a part of this world. And thanks to this, we're likely to run into a forgettable time for most every sport at some point.
So just to prepare you, we will now take a look into the future, at some of the eventual eras of shame for the sports world at large...

NBA- The Flubber Epidemic
In 2012, the successful creation of flubber in a Cleveland teenager's basement will set off a sudden influx of white males under 6 feet into the NBA. The underground distribution of the materials between he and his circle of buddies will allow them to land tryouts with pro squads and find their way into the league.
While baffled scholars and sports minds alike scramble to figure out the cause of these seemingly miraculous talents, players like Rory McMillin and Jimmy Levinstein will replace LeBron James and Kobe Bryant as the faces of the league.

NFL- The "I guess we should acknowledge the steroid era," era
In 2039, a weak kneed, tiny testicled, back acne'd, 54 year old Shawne Merriman will be the spokesman for a shrunken sacked army of former players to come out in protest against the NFL's lax steroid policies.
Though Merriman had been punished for banned substances while in the league, he will point out that overall use ran rampant, and that the NFL turned a blind eye and allowed it to continue. By enabling them to habitually use substances that hadn't been tested over long periods of time, the retirees blame the NFL for the tragic and debilitating side affects like Ray Lewis' hairless tail, Joey Porter's ever expanding plethora of nipples, Kellen Winslow's forehead ear, and Terrell Owen's leaky tear ducts (although that last one may not be completely attributed to steroids).

MLB- The NyQuil Project
In an effort to cure the league of the steroid issue permanently, commissioner Bud Selig will suggest a radical method of leveling the playing field for the 2009 season.
After releasing the other 103 names from the positive steroid tests in '04, Selig will invoke "The NyQuil Rule." Stating simply that, if you are one of the players named on the list, you must participate in every single game of the '09 season, and must take twice the recommended dose of NyQuil 5 minutes prior to taking the field.
The initial intrigue will cause a spike in television ratings, but the subsequent string of horrific injuries and nationally broadcast blood loss will eventually lead to Selig's Nixon-like, forced resignation.

NHL- Don't forget to remember us!
Seeing as how everyone has already forgotten about the them, Gary Bettman and the brain trust that have run the league into the ground will make one last ditch effort to revive the floundering NHL in 2015.
Now relegated to the Bravo Channel, NHL games will feature an assortment of fancy gimmicks to keep the fans entertained:
- The return of the always popular and completely necessary glowing puck
- Each team is allowed 7 skaters on the ice at a time, one wielding a concealed blade
- Goalies can no longer wear cups, and a shot to the beans is worth 2 goals
- Player fights will be banned, but if at any point two players disagree, their respective coaches must come onto the ice and bare-knuckle box one another
The attempts to save the league will fail miserably, and the final Stanley Cup ceremony will feature the live, mid-ice sacrifice of Gary Bettman, followed by the ceremonial drinking of his blood from the cup.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

What they really said...

Too many times in sports, we as the fans get a raw deal on what we're told. We get to hear what the players and coaches have to say, but in a censored version. What they say on TV or in an article isn't necessarily what they really say behind closed doors.
Lucky for you though, Errant Balls was able to obtain an all-access pass to last week's biggest events and happenings in sports (because that's the kind of thing you can obtain fairly easily in fake journalism). We got to conduct private interviews and attend private tapings under the guise that they wouldn't be shared with the public. But thanks to our complete lack of any standing credibility, we can share them with you anyway! So for your reading enjoyment, here is another installment of "What they really said."

A-Rod isn't even bothered by the whole A-Fraud mess
"Look, I'm sure Joe Torre had his reasons for saying what he said. Maybe it was money, maybe it was attention, maybe it's his irrepressible jealousy that I have killer pecs and he's sporting saggy, sandbag man-boobies. Who knows? The bottom line is I know my teammates, and I know the relationships I have with them. Whatever they call me I don't care, it's all in good fun. They can call me A-Rod, or A-Fraud, or A-close personal friend of Derek Jeter's. It really doesn't matter to me... although I am somewhat partial to that last one if you want to use it."

Michael Phelps on his infamous bong photo
"I regrettably admit the person in that photo was, in fact, me. I have let down my family, friends, and fans around the world by acting in a youthful and inappropriate manner. When it comes down to it I guess it all goes back to who I surround myself with. I mean, being that I am a swimmer, I've had some bad influences over my shoulder for quite sometime now. Every time I go to the pool he's all 'Don't forget to bring me.' And every time I get out of the pool all wet he's like 'Don't forget to use me.' And every time five minutes passes he's all like 'You wanna get high?'. So learn from me young swimmers, beware of this shady character (File Photo here). Don't get caught up like I did. Dope is for dopes!"

Roger Clemens on the publicizing of his hot ball liniment and tainted syringes
"Who among you can say you have never had blazing hot liniment rubbed on your testicles by another man? And which of you can step down off your pedestal and admit he has received mystery injections in his buttocks. So I will ask this of the good people of the jury at my inevitable perjury trial: 'Could not a DNA sample have been unknowingly obtained from my ass cheek, whilst I was distracted by the unimaginable, scorching pain in my ball bag?'... I rest my case."

Barry Bonds on his pee testing positive for steroids
"They still have my piss test from 2003?! Ewwwwwww. Where the hell have they been keeping these things? Is there some kind of secret government pee silo that stores all of the athlete's tests from the last ten years or something? Because if so, I may just have to indict you U.S. government, on charges of being gross and creepy in the 1st degree."

Santonio Holmes on being the Super Bowl MVP
"It really means the world to me. How it feels to know that a kid like me who grew up selling drugs on the streets could change his life so drastically and make the winning catch in an amazing Super Bowl is indescribable. And what am I gonna do now? Well I know I said it on the commercial but I'm sure as hell not going to Disney World. And you know what else I'm not going to do? I'm not gonna parlay my Super Bowl hero status into a self-inflicted gun wound and public humiliation next season. None of that. I'm just gonna head home, dial up my boys Towelie and Phelps and party it up with my very own 'chronic end zone' grass!"

The missing 2 minutes of the "Joe Torre on Larry King Live" transcript
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.
Joe: Great to be here Larry.
Larry: Huh?
Joe: I said great to be here.
Larry: No, I didn't forget to take my pills!
Joe: What?
Larry: You heard it here first folks, Joe Torre is an admitted Anti-Semite!
(Bottom of the screen reads: Torre: "I can't stand Jews.")
Joe (confused): What the hell is this?!
Larry: So what put this hate in your heart Joe? What exactly did the Jews ever do to you?
Joe (to producer): What is going on here?! Is he okay?
(Producer runs on set, tilts Larry's head back and shoves a handful of pills down his throat)
(Long pause)
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.
Joe: ..........