The Week in Pictures

The equation is plain and simple: (Slow sports week + lack of time - the desire to think of fresh and original material) x the amount of beers I have consumed thus far this week = The Week in Pictures!

Enjoy...

"Good luck this weekend Jerry.  Just try not to injure any of your tough as nails players with a strong pregame speech."

"Okay, now just try not to burst out in laughter on your way down to first... dead kittens, dead kittens, dead kittens."

"Sweet mercy that is one supple backside..."

"Look, all I'm saying is that the Mets as an organization have really fallen on some harsh luck this year.  Is there ANY chance we did something to anger the Gods?"

"Not this time you little f*cker."

"Oooh look at me I'm Ricky Rubio.  I was once married to Lucille Ball and when I go to the barber I just ask him for the 'lead singer of Journey' look... HAHAHAHA!"

"I'd like to thank the Orlando Magic coaches and staff, their GM Otis Smith, and of course the almighty God for helping to get me the hell outta Jersey."

"I never feel half as safe as I do when I'm in your arms..."

"Seriously bro, if you're not completely sold on this whole hockey thing, there's room in our rotation."

"Ohhh well I'm sooo sorry I've offended the big bad superstar.  I'm old... they slip out sometimes... get over it!"

"I can't wait to tell that bastard P. Diddy I'll never have to dance around with his umbrella for a paycheck again!"

"This is even more embarrassing than that time I pointed up to God and screamed in praise and that seagull crapped in my eye..."

"Yeah I'm about as excited to go to Minnesota as I look... be strong Ricky... no tears."

"Oh man the Grizzlies are gonna be heated when my physical shows I'm actually 67."

"I don't care if he doesn't win us the championship, I'm already lost in his eyes."

"I'm honestly just excited at the opportunity to play with all of these experienced veterans... I can't wait to ask Michael Finley what Dr. James Naismith was really like in person."

2009 NBA Draft Analysis

With the NBA draft only a day away, we're running out of time to give you our very own brand of analysis for the top prospects for the '09 class.  Sure, any sports site can tell you that so and so can shoot the lights out, or that such and such a point guard has Steve Nash-like passing skills, but is that really enough?  Not for the true fan.  So take a look at our truly in-depth breakdown of the hottest players on the market, in Errant Balls' 2009 NBA Draft Analysis.

Blake Griffin

Positives- Strength and athleticism have him NBA ready now... Will immediately be a draw for crowds...  Apparently is happy to play for the Clippers (jump on this before he realizes which LA team you are!)

Negative- Severe concussion suffered last season could be the motivator behind his eagerness to join the Clippers tradition

Where should he go?- Whether he really wants to or not, Blake Griffin is going to be a Clipper. It has been made abundantly clear that there will be no suspense when it comes to this year's first overall pick.  So where should he go?  Probably to those self-help meetings held at Michael Olowokandi's house titled: I'm a Clipper, and I'm going to be okay...

Ricky Rubio

Positives- Pro experience overseas has given him toughest competition possible... At the age of 18 he still has a ton of upside... "Pistol" Pete Maravich haircut allows him to be a true creator with the ball in his hand

Negative- Might just be a tanner version of "White Chocolate" Jason Williams

Where should he go?-  It's tough to say where Rubio truly should go in this draft.  He could be taken anywhere from 2-6 and could easily find himself in  Memphis, Oklahoma City, Sacramento, or Minnesota.  All possibilities of which I'm sure the young guard is thrilled about.  In the end, it's just a shame that Las Vegas doesn't have a pro team, because that is the town where Ricky belongs.  Just say his name out loud and tell me you couldn't see throngs of tourists living it up at the luxurious Ricky Rubio Hotel and Casino.

Hasheem Thabeet

Positives- Shot blocking prowess will make immediate defensive impact... Raw physical build gives room for improvement... 7'3" stature adds possibility that he may be the next Greg Oden

Negative- ... he may be the next Greg Oden

Where should he go?- In all likelihood it seems that the Grizzlies would be wise to lock Thabeet up with the number 2 pick. The Grizz haven't had a true inside presence since they traded Pau Gasol for a bushel of potatoes, and could really use a big man to shore up their defense.  And on the upside for Thabeet, he'll have a few years to improve his game in Memphis before GM Chris Wallace trades him to a title contender for sixpence and a plowing ox.

Stephen Curry

Positives- Easily the purest shooter in the draft... Dad Dell Curry proves he has the NBA pedigree... Boyish appearance will allow him to sneak into opponent's practices under the guise of an autograph seeker

Negative- Teammates may be distracted by his hot mom in the stands

Where should he go?- The Knicks showed a ton of interest in Curry right off the bat, and true to form, cast a light on exactly why other teams should take a good hard look at him.  Thanks to their generosity and open drooling over Curry, they have all but assured he won't land in New York.  Nice job dipsh*ts.  So while he should have gone to the big city, look for Steph to land in either Minnesota or Sacramento.

Tyreke Evans

Positives- Quintessential freshman talent who could have made the jump straight from high school... Short Memphis tenure had him learning much under John Calipari... It should be at least a full season before his fraudulent SAT's and free family flight allegations come to light

Negative- Conference USA experience may have him convinced every team aside from his is nothing more than a whipping post

Where should he go?- Evans is another guy who could go anywhere from 3-8.  His tough build and slashing ability make him an interesting prospect for all the teams involved.  But we'll guess he winds up in Minnesota, under the assumption that by the time the draft rolls around the Wolves will have traded for the rights to picks 2-21.

Tyler Hansbrough

Positives- Could easily be called the hardest working player in the draft... Toughness on the boards will add to any team lacking in the paint... Eyes are wide enough to provide great court vision, and the ability to see what will happen up to three plays in advance

Negative- Game-winning shot celebrations are not NBA ready

Where should he go?- Plain and simple, Tyler Hansbrough belongs on the Utah Jazz.  Look at him... look at them.  Tyler's workmanship and all out effort would fit perfectly with Jerry Sloan's tough guy style, and the raucous Utah crowds would go batty for his ferocious play in the key.  This would be the most logical pickup of the sports year... that is until the Cincinnati Bengals sign Plaxico Burress.

Brandon Jennings

Positives- Decision to skip college and play overseas proves he's anxious for the NBA... Has looked promising in preseason workouts alongside Steph Curry and Gerald Henderson... 7.6 ppg average in Euroleague action should translate to 3.1 ppg in the NBA, instant production baby

Negative- 80's style Gumby haircut makes him the most likely candidate to show up to the draft dressed like the ghost of Bernie Mac

Where should he go?- Jennings is a tough player to place, because if he drops past the Knicks at 8 he could take a huge draft day slide.  But for now, let's say he's the type of pick that is destined for New York.  He has the athleticism and upside to tempt them just enough... along with the downside and complete bust possibility to be the next perfect "I can't believe we took this friggin' guy instead of..." pick for the Knicks (see: Renaldo Balkman over Rajon Rondo in '06).

The sports star Twitter feed

Everyone has seen and heard about the mad craze that is Twitter. While Facebook and Myspace clearly cannot supply us with a sufficient amount of inane detail on the lives of others, Twitter can do just that. After all, how would any of my loyal followers get through the day without knowing my every move and receiving essential minute to minute updates on my activity like:

just left the house after dropping a wicked deuce... pretty sure i was a few wipes short! :O
about 1 hour ago from twitterberry

And as all of you sports nuts know, Twitter has become a huge hit with professional athletes. Guys like Shaquille O'Neal and Chris Bosh says it gives them a chance to interact on a more personal level with fans. And the fans have obliged with over 1 million and almost 25,000 following the two respectively (ouch, maybe a few dropped Bosh after Shaq called him the RuPaul of big men).
In any case, it has come to our attention that not everyone is fully aware of what they are missing on Twitter. So it is with great pleasure that we use the infinite insider hook ups of Errant Balls to give the fans an exclusive look at the juciest Twitter posts of some of the biggest names in sports today... enjoy!

Manny Ramirez
feelin great about this season so far, i love LA!
11:46 AM May 5th from web

cant believe im out for 50 games for that! i thought it was allowed now that arod admitted it
9:32 PM May 9th from web

enjoying my time off, got back into collecting pogs and traded for a sweet kung fu panda slammer today!
7:52 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Kobe Bryant
just finished off melo and the nuggets, headed to the finals again! glad to be out of denver tho, theyre not very nice...
11:01 PM May 29th from web

magic johnson just asked me if winning w/o shaq would be more special. like i needed shaq... wtf? lmfao!!!
5:26 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

watching tape of dwight howard, thinking we should just bring adam morrison in to dropkick him in his supersized sack
12:43 AM June 3rd from web

Tom Brady
just had first practice back, knee is feeling great... theres nothing i cant do!
6:12 PM May 27th from Twitterberry

just ran full speed up to a cop and grabbed his gun, when he saw who i was he chuckled jovially and took my pic... theres nothing i cant do!
2:29 PM May 31st from Twitterberry

just told gisele to shut up and make me a sandwich... seriously... theres NOTHING i cant do!
12:03 PM June 3rd from web

Shaquille O'Neal
cant believe its a magic-lakers final. neither can win without the diesel tho, predicting a tie
1:21 AM May 31st from web

kobe told magic johnson i couldnt have won without him... omg! wtf? LMFAO!!!
11:57 PM June 2nd from web

thinking of pulling a sacha baren-cohen on kobe at the finals so he can really tell the world how my ass tastes
10:33 AM June 3rd from web

LeBron James
completely shocked we're going home, expected the world this season
12:34 AM May 31st from Twitterbug

sorry i didnt shake hands after the game, but i poop my pants when severely devastated. the world didnt need to see that
11:47 AM June 1st from web

that kobe-lebron muppet commercial where he breaks my balls about championship rings is really starting to piss me off!
8:13 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

John Calipari
sorry to hear about the troubles at memphis, but totally focused on UK
8:16 AM May 23rd from web

shouldve known derek rose's 1600 SAT was too good to be true
10:52 PM May 31st from web

had no idea derek's brother was catching free flights on us, thought that kid was a flight attendant
1:21 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Carlos Beltran
supposed to finally get in the game tonite, cant wait to take down pittsburgh!
3:02 PM June 2nd from web

just yacked my brains out all over d-wrights cleats... stuck in the bathroom :*(
6:17 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

missed 3 games now w/ this stomach virus. pretty sure the pirates gave me scurvy
11:21 PM June 2nd from web

The NBA Conference Finals in Pictures

The 2009 NBA playoffs have been a total blast.  Full of hard fouls, close games, and buzzer beaters, they have been an absolute pleasure to watch thus far.  And luckily, the conference finals haven't been any different.

But rather than bore you with statistical breakdowns or genuinely intuitive and knowledgeable articles about these crucial series, Errant Balls will once again be your source for the number one way Americans (namely anyone who is amused by our postings in particular) choose to get their information... with pretty pictures from the internet!

So enjoy this post of the NBA conference finals in pictures, and thank us for not asking you to strain your brainpower later...

"Nice shot... CELEBRATORY SLEEPER HOLD!!!"

"Dude, you gotta see the replay of that shot. Marv Albert screamed so loud his toupee ran off."

"We're your friends and we're begging you, stop combing your hair like that.  Why won't you just listen?" 

"R. Kelly was right! I can fly!"

"If I climb Joe Smith in next year's dunk contest I'll bet I can dunk on a 20-foot hoop!"

"I'm just sayin man, if LeBron blows this series I say we choke his ass out... maybe we can even do it in my car right before the ESPYS."

"This makes me mad enough for an ill-fated guarantee."

"Drink it in fans. Revel in why they really call me the Polish Hammer."

"Wait a second, I did used to play here! Put me in coach!"

"Me?! What did I do? I'm innocent... can't you see how pretty my hair is??"

"OH! Right in the King James!"

"Chris Tucker?! Oh hey what's up man? I thought you were Cedric the Entertainer for the first 3 quarters!"

"How could you not recognize me!? I played your older brother Elliot in E.T.!!"

"I thought you were a Knicks fan you scumbag."

"Why would you do that to my favorite ball you big bully?!!"

"They pay me every time I strike the JORDAN LOGO pose."

"I mush you!"

"Ooh lah-dee-dah look at me.. now I'm the coach."

"Look, I'm not trying to be a dick.  I'm just saying... Scientology? Really?! Come on guy."

"Holy hell!! Someone tell Jack Nicholson his flabby old man gut is hanging out!"

"This ball is dangerously larger than the one we used last time."

"For the last time I'm not admitting what drugs earned me my 2-year suspension!  I'm in the middle of a game for Christ's sake!"

"Something tells me my puppy is never going to find his way home..."

"You know officer I feel like you really could've chosen a more discreet time to question me about who keyed Phil Jackson's car."

"That's right son... silent but legitimately deadly."

Superstar To-Do Lists

After a few weeks off, Errant Balls is back in the swing of not-for-profit blogging... you're welcome world.  

In the time since we've been gone, quite a bit has gone down in the world of sporting news.  So here's a little slice of the everyday lives of the guys we've heard so much about.  It's a peek onto the refrigerator Post-It note of the superstar athlete, with "Superstar To-Do Lists."

MANNY RAMIREZ: LA Dodgers outfielder, after being suspended for 50 games for failing MLB drug 

test

- Make awkward and uncomfortable apology to teammates with the few words in my arsenal 4 

- Send bacne treatment kits to all of the loyal fans who maintain their seats in the Mannywood section of Dodger Stadium

- Return to former supplement policy of never ingesting anything that isn't colorful and/or shaped like a Flintstones character

LEBRON JAMES: Cleveland Cavaliers superstar, upon reaching the Eastern Conference Finals

- Appear in more commercials daily than the ShamWow guy 4

- Use opportunity to ask Dwight Howard for permission to jump over him and dunk Nate Robinson in next year's contest

- Increase workout routine of money swimming to twice daily

MICHAEL VICK: Embattled former NFL star, upon his release from prison

- Put football on the back burner and get my life back together 4

- Have miniature versions of dog fighting rings assembled in basement

- Find out a good place to inconspicuously purchase 50 ill-tempered roosters

KOBE BRYANT: LA Lakers all star, upon reaching the Western Conference Finals

- Crush the souls of Knicks fan base by having a documentary made of me by their most famous die-hard fan 4

- Cap off win of Rockets series by shaving "Ron Artest is a Nutbag" into my hair

- Avoid troublesome Colorado nightlife during Nuggets series

BLAKE GRIFFIN: former Oklahoma standout, upon learning the Clippers have the rights to the number 1 pick in this year's draft

- Avoid breaking down in tears while acknowledging possibility of landing with the Clippers 4

- Contact Archie Manning to inquire into the art of just saying no

- Find flight of stairs big enough to knock me out of the number one spot, but small enough not to end career

BARRY MELROSE: ESPN hockey analyst, now dealing with unexpected extra attention thanks to exciting hockey actually being played

- Make a joke about every non-hockey athlete who leaves the game with a supposed "injury" 4

- Finish second act of "Sidney and Ovi" buddy comedy screenplay

- Cultivate mullet nightly with coconut milk and acai extract 

MARK SANCHEZ: New York Jets draft pick, now dealing with the whirlwind of being the next franchise quarterback in New York

- Gain respect of hardened New York fans with a seemingly Baywatch themed GQ photo shoot 4

- Get out-on-the-town wardrobe advice from fellow New Yorker Sean Avery

- Change MySpace profile name to something more media acceptable than Mark "Dirty" Sanchez

DENVER NUGGETS: Upon realizing their May 25th playoff home game is in conflict with an already booked appearance of Monday Night Raw

- Do our best to ignore the fact that our owners had so little faith in us making the playoffs they figured they'd give the date to John Cena and the Big Show instead 4

- Set up steel cage ladder match between Mark Cuban and Kenyon Martin's mom (preferably with Mike Tyson as a special guest referee)

- Plead with Vince MacMahon to facilitate the return of the Ultimate Warrior to the ring

BRETT FAVRE: Quasi-retired quarterback in the midst of making what seems to be yet another comeback

- Deny up and down that I have any interest in coming out of retirement 4

- Lay low playing backyard football with dog and mowing lawn for several months 4

- Make comeback (f*ck the Packers)

See you May 20th!

Sorry for the hiatus but the world of pro-bono blogging isn't as lucrative as I was initially led to believe.  Anyway, we'll be back with a new post on May 20th... see all five of you loyal readers then!

2009 NFL Draft Preview

This weekend marks the yearly tradition of men sitting around for hours on end, throwing back beers, eating crappy food, and watching what could be called the most repetitive and mundane sports coverage of the year... and loving every minute of it!

That's right, the NFL draft is upon us.  So prepare yourselves for a full day of hearing about the linebacker who is "an absolute beast," the tackle with a "tremendous upside," and the quarterback that teams are "truly in love with."  And if there are no big trades or shocking picks, who cares?  At least you'll enjoy seeing some crazy suits and watching the pained look on a prospect's face as he pretends to be excited to join that team.  

In any case, since everyone else under the sun has a mock draft, so do we!  So check out Errant Balls' breakdown of the top ten picks for the 2009 NFL Draft.

1) DETROIT LIONS (Record: 0-16)

    Offseason Concerns: QB, Offensive Line, possibility that adding teeth to their logo may not be enough to right the ship

    Projected Pick: The Lions will likely go with star quarterback Matt Stafford out of Georgia.  Stafford is the consensus top QB in the draft and supposedly excited at the possibility of hooking up with Detroit's talented receivers.  If you're part of the Lions organization and there is a projected number 1 pick who actually wants to come play it Detroit, you leap on top of him like he's a sick gazelle... or just go with another receiver.

    One Wish: That the "blame it all on Matt Millen" mantra will last through one more winless season.

2) ST. LOUIS RAMS (Record: 2-14)

    Offseason Concerns: Offensive Line, WR, that new coach Steve Spagnuolo's staunch "spell my name right or you're cut" policy will leave the team decimated

    Projected Pick: The Rams will likely look to shore up their front line with the second pick, and settle on the athletic OT Jason Smith out of Baylor.  After the departure of veteran Orlando Pace, there is a huge hole to fill on the offensive line (as well as in the local fast food chain's revenue streams) and Smith would be the perfect fill-in at left tackle.

    One Wish: That RB Steven Jackson continues to boycott all media outlets and thusly remains unaware that star NFL players can demand a trade.

3) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (Record: 2-14)

    Offseason Concerns: LB, Defensive Line, that Larry Johnson is easily the most likely candidate to be this year's Plaxico Burress

    Projected Pick: The Chiefs hold a hot commodity here for teams looking to trade up for a shot at Mark Sanchez (Rex Ryan may be willing to offer up Kellen Clemens and his entire extended family), but if they hold onto the pick they will likely go with LB Aaron Curry out of Wake Forest.

    One Wish: *That new GM Scott Pioli's ties to the Patriots will somehow prompt New England to offer up players at a ridiculous discount rate (*Note: The Chiefs are the only team whose wish has already come true).

4) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (Record: 4-12)

    Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, new coach Jim Mora's complete lack of a Mike Holmgren-esque bushy mustache leaves his upper lip dangerously exposed to the brutal Seattle elements

    Projected Pick: Provided no trades have been made and he is still available, there is little doubt that the Seahawks will go after QB Mark Sanchez out of USC.  Although quarterback is not their most glaring need at the moment, Seattle would love to groom the well-quaffed Sanchez as a replacement for Matt Hasselbeck, who has been suffering from nagging injuries and male pattern baldness for quite some time.  

    One Wish: That new WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh will be even better than he was in Cinci now that he is no longer terrified to be in close quarters with his own teammates.

5) CLEVELAND BROWNS (Record: 4-12)

    Offseason Concerns: LB, WR, the danger of Brady Quinn gay jokes driving their young QB into more public slap fights

    Projected Pick: Defensive tackle B.J. Raji could be the most talented player on the board at this point, but don't be shocked if the Browns decide to take a chance on touchdown machine Michael Crabtree out of Texas Tech.  And seeing as how the odds of a new pair of hands for Braylon Edwards popping up on the draft board are slim to none, this might be the way to go.

    One Wish: That new coach Eric Mangini can shed the "Mangina" nickname he earned in New York and return to the "Mangenius" status he so clearly never earned in the first place.

6) CINCINNATI BENGALS (Record: 4-11-1)

    Offseason Concerns: Offensive line, RB, the possibility of disgruntled WR Chad Ochocinco once again changing his name, this time to Chad Getmethef*ckouttahere

    Projected Pick: The Bengals will likely go with a tackle on either side of the ball with the sixth pick, looking at Andre Smith, Eugene Monroe, and Michael Oher on offense, or possibly going for B.J. Raji on D if he is still on the board.  In any case, the Bengals best bet is to go with whichever player is projected least likely to immediately commit a felony upon his arrival in Cincinnati.

    One Wish: That their often troubled new acquisition Tank Johnson isn't the final piece of the puzzle that will transform the city of Cincinnati into a post-apocalyptic hell not unlike Thunderdome.

7) OAKLAND RAIDERS (Record: 5-11)

    Offseason Concerns: Offensive/Defensive Tackle, WR, possibility that new coach Tom Cable only took the job because Al Davis threatened to eat the souls of his children

    Projected Pick: It is widely believed that the Raiders will go with WR Jeremy Maclin out of Missouri with the seventh pick.  Although most have Michael Crabtree as the higher rated receiver on the board, the speed-happy Raiders will assuredly take the quicker Maclin regardless of who is available.  Upon hearing the news that there is no way he'll wind up in Oakland, Michael Crabtree immediately broke down and wept for joy until he passed out soaked in his own tears.

    One Wish: That Al Davis' senility level doesn't climb high enough on draft day that he demand they use their pick on The Mighty Thor: God of Thunder.

8) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (Record: 5-11)

    Offseason Concerns: WR, CB, worry that they may find themselves coach-less after one of Jack Del Rio's neck veins inevitably ruptures

    Projected Pick: Although they did just obtain veteran wideout Torry Holt, the absence of a coked up Matt Jones streaking downfield leaves the Jags with yet another spot open at receiver. They would love to address that with hopes that Michael Crabtree will still be available, but if not, expect them to go after a high profile tackle or linebacker. 

    One Wish: That for the love of God, Byron Leftwich does not manage to lead the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl.

9) GREEN BAY PACKERS (Record: 6-10)

    Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, that their supposed franchise quarterback has not yet fully committed to the art of gun-slinging

    Projected Pick:  Expect the Packers to address their aging O-line here, taking the highest rated tackle available, and likely landing Andre Smith out of Alabama.  Smith is a safe bet to go at nine, because his poor pre-draft decisions dropped him down a bit, but the NFL has collectively agreed to take him somewhere inside the top ten, under fears that the millions upon millions of dollars he has cost himself may prompt a nationally televised if he slips too far.

    One Wish: *That they will not be forced to spend their Thanksgiving whipping the Lions up and down the field (*Note: The Packers are the only team whose wish has already gone unfulfilled).

10) SAN FRANCISCO 49ers (Record: 7-9)

    Offseason Concerns: Offensive Line, QB, the threat of coach Mike Singletary winding up in jail after taking his pants-dropping motivational methods outside the locker room

    Projected Pick:  The Niners will likely take whatever they can get at this spot, going after the highest available offensive tackle.  If given a choice San Fran would love to improve on their QB situation (they're really showing a shocking lack of confidence in the 3-headed monster that is Shaun Hill, Alex Smith and Damon Huard), but there is no way a top QB prospect is falling to the ten spot.  Besides, even if one did, they'd just mess it all up by grilling the guy on his parents' divorce.

    One Wish: That Jeff Garcia "accidentally" wanders across the bay from Oakland and makes his way onto the Niners' roster.