Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Yankees-Angels game 4 recap

The Yanks came back strong from their first loss of the postseason and put up 10 on the helpless Angels. But don’t let the score fool you, this game certainly wasn’t lacking in the entertainment department. Here were my favorite moments…

- Scott Kazmir making the decision early on that since he couldn’t find rhythm or consistency, he would just pitch as slow as humanly possible. I see the logic, hoping the ump might get distracted by something in the crowd in his downtime, then in a panic call a strike he didn’t see. The downside though, was that the first four innings of this game ran just under 4 hours.

- 3rd base umpire Tim McClelland beginning his stellar night of complete ineptitude by calling Nick Swisher out for leaving early on a tag up in which he clearly had not. Though to be fair, maybe McClelland was just setting the world right being that Swisher had been called safe on a pick off at second moments earlier, when he was clearly out and should not even still have been on the base paths. In any case, umpiring has reached the summit of Mount Useless this postseason.

- Tex finally picks up a hit, then A-Rod drives him in with yet another home run. Following the game a jubilant Rodriguez would slap Reggie Jackson and demand he hand over the rights to the Mr. October monicker.

- Jorge Posada somehow advancing only from second to third on Robbie Cano’s booming double to center field. Although Torii Hunter did pull out the old school “pretend to catch it when it’s twenty feet over your head” move in center field, I see that one showing up on the next And 1 Mixtape.

- After getting a fresh coat of white-out put on his finger nails in the dugout, Jorge Posada swipes them under Nick Swisher’s nose causing the outfielder to pop up in his seat. Have we just discovered the secret to Nick Swisher’s happy-go-lucky “high on life” attitude?

- Perhaps setting the bar for most retarded 30 seconds in playoff history, Posada and Cano find themselves both at third and in a moment of epic stupidity, decide neither of them should go back to the bag as Angels catcher Mike Napoli tags them out. But hold the phone, who’s the 3rd base umpire? Tim McClelland, who only calls Posada out because that crafty Cano just put his foot on the bag and acted nonchalant, and that was more than enough to convince McClelland he’d been there the whole time. Playoff umpires… best of the best.

- Kendry Morales absolutely blasts a neck high Sabathia fastball into center to start off CC’s first tough inning, prompting Tim McCarver to temporarily back off his theory that Sabathia could pitch 80 more innings if necessary.

- A dominating 7th inning by Sabathia has McCarver and Joe Buck not even talking about the game, but rather sharing stories that explain why CC is not only an amazing pitcher, but possibly the greatest man alive. In commentator terms, this is the baseball equivalent to “Favre-ing” someone.

- A-Rod adds a single and another run for good measure. Anyone else starting to think Kate Hudson has a detailed ’stats-to-sexual favors’ formula that has Alex filling up the box scores?

- Chad Gaudin is inserted in the 9th inning to close it out in the Yankees’ “sorry we haven’t used you in 127 innings” moment.

- McCarver and Buck point out that it is the 99th birthday of the voice of Yankee Stadium Bob Sheppard, saying he is affectionately known around the old stadium as the “voice of God.” Seems a bit overdone, but in all fairness Sheppard was hanging out with God back when everyone just called him “Jerry.” In all seriousness though a well deserved happy birthday to a man the fans truly miss having around.

- Yankee skipper Joe Girardi reveals that A-Rod and CC will start Thursday's game 5... alone... on short rest........ blindfolded.

- I give all the credit in the world to Pat Sajak, who is still going strong in the 9th and refuses to leave early. The longtime Wheel of Fortune host needed only to buy one vowel to complete his postgame reaction puzzle: S-H—T!

- Gaudin throws his hat in the ring for heir to Mariano’s throne with a 1-2-3 inning. See you in the next complete blowout Chad!

- A final shot in the commentator booth reveals Joe Buck’s oversized head snapping back and dispensing a giant Pez candy for Tim McCarver’s postgame enjoyment.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Ten Bold Predictions for the 2009 NFL Season

After an extended hiatus, your Errant Balls are ready to make their triumphant return. To my loyal readers, I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience or displeasure this may have cost the four of you. It was never my intention to alienate my loyal base, but when it comes down to it there are just a few things that can get in the way of blogging mostly drunken, while sometimes slightly humorous weekly articles completely absent of progress or profit. But I digress.
What's important is that Errant Balls is back, and just in time to fill you in on my generally heinous, yet not entirely impossible predictions for the 2009 NFL season... Enjoy!

- The Jets new hotshot rookie quarterback will cost Chris Berman a hefty fine from the FCC when the ESPN host refers to him as Mark "Dirty" Sanchez in his week 3 highlights.

- Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will avoid further trouble when he explains his little domestic mishap wasn't meant to be a violent act, but was in fact a social commentary on the sad state of today's entertainment industry... then, God willing, he will find Tila Tequila and finish the job.

- In an effort to make light of their reputation for trouble with the law, the Cincinnati Bengals will take a page out of the 1985 Bears book and create a hit rap video known as "The Shawshank Shuffle."

- Raiders owner Al Davis will once again make headlines when he trades Oakland's 2011 and 2012 first round picks to the Patriots for the heart of a ritually sacrificed Himalayan mountain goat.

- The Philadelphia Eagles will enjoy a dominant season thanks to their offseason acquisition of the dynamic Michael Vick, who will run the "Wildcat" offense flawlessly, as though he has already had years of experience as the general in charge of an organized, yet chaotic, animal-centric scheme.

- Rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford will struggle mightily after being handed the keys to run the Detroit Lions. He will avoid harsh scrutiny however, when it is pointed out that the Lions were assembled by General Motors.

- The Colts will draw an unusual amount of delay of game penalties, when super pitchman Peyton Manning tries to maximize his profits by squeezing live endorsements in between audibles at the line of scrimmage.

- Much maligned Tennessee Titan Vince Young's mental stability and quarterbacking ability will once again be called into question when he throws himself off a highway overpass, only to be intercepted by a pickup truck full of packing peanuts passing below.

- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will suffer his second public embarrassment in the new Cowboy Stadium, when a week six shot of him on his tremendous, but too-low jumbotron reveals he jots his game notes down in a Hello Kitty spiral notebook.

- The Minnesota Viking's signing of fickle QB Brett Favre will eventually backfire, when a devastated Favre leaves the team at mid-season upon realizing the artificial turf in the Metrodome is completely un-mowable.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bold MLB predictions for the second half

With baseball's second half officially under way, it's time to start speculation on what we'll be looking back on at year's end.  Who will make an unlikely run to the playoffs?  Who will fall apart?  Whose greasy hair product will cost their team dearly?
Well here at Errant Balls, we say "why wait?"  Sure you can sit back and actually watch the 2009 season play out.  OR, you could put your trust in an unresearched and shoddily put together blog that may or may not be written from a Blackberry while watching the recently released Blockbuster DVD of Watchmen.  Let's just put it this way, one will take a whole lot less time, and isn't that the American way?  
So read on, and believe every word of it, just so we don't have to say "I told you so" in November...

- Following a 5 game losing streak that kills their chances in the Central division, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will say something so crude in his post game conference, that an appalled Andrew Dice Clay watching at home will faint where he stands.

- The Phillies signing of veteran Pedro Martinez will eventually ruin their chances to repeat as World Series champs, when slugger Ryan Howard is lost for the season after slipping on the excess drippings of Pedro's Soul-Glo in the locker room and severely tearing his ACL.

- Manny Ramirez will again be suspended for violating the terms of the league's substance abuse policies when he tests positive for the birth control pill, Purina Beggin' Strips, and three times the legal limit of Elmer's non-toxic all-purpose paste

- In an unprecedented effort to "boost their farm system," the Pirates will trade infielders Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson, along with the rights to their home stadium PNC Park before the July 31st trade deadline.  The once proud franchise will subsequently be relocated to a suburban Pittsburgh-area high school field for the remainder of the season.

- Orioles manager Dave Trembley will make a sad attempt at alleviating yet another losing season in Baltimore, promising fans at the season's final home game that at the very least he can find them exceptionally low prices on off-season hotels and airfare.

- Previously thought to be on the DL for only a few weeks at most, Mets manager Jerry Manuel will deliver the sad news on August 1st that the team's collective dignity is officially lost for the year and will require off-season surgery.

- After 23 different All-Stars hit the 15-day DL in September, the stock of energy product manufacturer Phiten USA will plummet after it is realized that exposure of 5 months or more to their popular necklaces can cause severe and uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea.  

- The Yankees will play out the remainder of the regular season failing to beat the Red Sox, but will somehow win the division and avoid them in the playoffs en route to winning their 27th World Series.  Hal Steinbrenner will declare the 2009 season an unabashed failure and immediately fire manager Joe Girardi.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

2009 MLB All-Star Game running diary

It's our yearly tradition (going strong now for the second year in a row) of bringing you a running diary of baseball's mid-summer classic. The All-Star game is a rare opportunity to see stars from all across the league gathered in one place, making them far easier targets. And thanks to the fact that the league is still under contract with Fox, we're assured plenty of material from sources other than the players as well. To sum up, it basically writes itself, but we'll take the credit.
So here it is... the 2009 MLB All-Star game running diary!

8:03- Has anyone ever noticed that Fox's Chris Rose looks like he could easily be the love child of Tom Arnold and Ryan Seacrest?

8:04- Obama's time in the locker room is highlighted by him messing around with Ryan Howard for not winning the HR derby, and Howard subsequently giving him the "if you weren't the leader of the free world I would slap you silly" look.

8:06- This Bank of America commercial has me wondering how they came to the decision to use Kiefer Sutherland as the voice of their ads. After all, nothing says sound financial institution like a celebrity with a penchant for binge drinking and head butting.

8:10- The team intros have begun, and Joe Torre's nose now officially makes up 95.8% of his face.

8:12- Legitimately thought Metallica lead singer James Hetfield had made the NL squad before they said who St. Louis closer Ryan Franklin was.

8:16- Chase Utley made it through this year's intros without dropping an F-bomb on camera, but I like to think that in his heart he really wanted to.

8:17- The game's best hitter receives a rousing hometown reception. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd hear 46,000 people chanting "Poooo-holes."

8:22- Really enjoyed the poignant "All-Stars among us" segment with the former presidents recognizing some exceptional American citizens. Though I totally expected George W. Bush to give them all credit for raising awarity in their communities.

8:23- Former president Jimmy Carter is my new nightmare... he looks exactly like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

8:29- The network that brought you groundbreaking series such as "The Simpsons" and "Married with Children" is taking yet another giant leap forward in television innovation... Airing this fall, "Brothers" starring Michael Strahan... there are no words.

8:37- The hall of fame Cardinals make their way out to the field in bright red blazers and ties. Anyone watching in a bar with the sound off genuinely thinks they are a barbershop quartet about to perform the National Anthem.

8:39- President Obama's ceremonial first pitch is a high looping curve, but not bad. I give him 5th for the best presidential throw ever, and 1st for the highest pants ever worn out to the mound... ever.

8:42- Thanks to Tim McCarver's complete inability to sell subtle metaphors, any casual fans watching the game now think 25 year old NL starter Tim Lincecum actually has a bionic arm.

8:44- Just counted, Taco Bell's new bacon burrito commercial actually says the word bacon 8 times. Enjoy the new taco bacon burrito bacon with bacon, cheese topped with bacon and bacon potatoes bacon. For a limited time only at Taco Bacon.... bacon.

8:54- Anyone who just flipped the game on was greeted by McCarver rambling about AL catcher Joe Mauer's constant left hand pounding, with Joe Buck immediately insisting he has the prettiest left hand stroke you'll ever see. Juvenile masturbation jokes follow in living rooms everywhere.

8:57- The AL scores their first run off an Albert Pujols error; St. Louis fans begin coming to terms with the fact that the second round appearance in the HR derby was the best they're getting this weekend.

9:09- Once daily SPIRIVA will apparently help clear the airways of asthma sufferers, with the trivial side effects of constipation and trouble passing urine. So breathe easy America... until you fill up with doodies and wee-wee and die.

9:11- Roy Halladay's non-stickered helmet makes it obvious that no team wants to be associated with his All-Star at bat.

9:20- Obama, now a DC resident, just referred to the Nationals as the only team whose fans have absolutely no hope this season. If I were the president I'd expect a pretty solid toilet paper job on the White House when I get home... you just pissed off the wrong 3 fans buddy!

9:49- Zack Greinke just entered the game as the first legitimate All-Star representative of the Kansas City Royals in 106 years.

9:58- Joe Buck just pointed out how much faster Carl Crawford might be if he actually pulled his pants up. Joe my friend, you are approaching curmudgeonly at an alarming rate.

10:00- Fox needs to fire their caricature artist ASAP. The cartoon of Jeter they just showed during his at bat looked like Rodney Dangerfield in a Yankee uniform.

10:15- Reliever Trevor Hoffman enters the game, he looks old enough to be Stan Musial's coach.

10:21- Fox cares so little about this actual game that they just tagged defensive replacement Jason Bartlett as Ben Zobrist and no one said a thing.

10:24- It is now clear that the previous error was due to their extreme focus on the impending non-verbal plug for their creepy sci-fi show "Fringe."

10:28- It took 7 innings but I am officially ashamed that someone can mow St. Louis' historical old courthouse and gateway arch into the outfield grass and I can't even get my Ipod to stop freezing.

10:36- Carl Crawford's leaping catch of a possible home run just saved reliever Jonathan Papelbon from the devastating prospect of an inning without a self righteous celebration at the end.

10:44- Nice moment showing Derek Jeter hanging out with Mariano Rivera's teenage son, and I assume sharing with him the finer points of trawling for celebrity ass.

10:46- National league manager Charlie Manuel pulls the baseball equivalent of taking out the kid with the club foot in dodgeball, ordering an All-Star game intentional walk of Victor Martinez.

10:50- Manuel's plan backfires when Orioles' star Adam Jones hits a sac fly to give the AL the lead. Adam Joneses everywhere are praying they will soon be associated with this talented young man rather than a certain stripper loving, law hating cornerback.

10:57- Really enjoying Atlanta catcher Brian McCann's full beard and glasses look. He should audition for the role of "Tech guy" in an upcoming heist movie.

11:05- McCarver just dropped the bombshell that slugger Ryan Howard likes the ball over the plate... Tim, you are truly a wealth of knowledge.

11:15- Really enjoyed the Gillette commercial where Tiger Woods tries to pay for body wash with a giant check. That's all... giant novelty items are funny. Just ask Burt Reynolds.

11:22- Mariano Rivera induces a Miguel Tejada pop-out to seal the game for the AL in a paltry 2 hours and 31 minutes. Funny, between the vocal stylings of McCarver and Buck and being inundated by upwards of 3,000 Taco Bell commercials I could've sworn this was another 15 inning affair.

11:29- Carl Crawford is named the MVP for making a catch that stopped the other team from tying the game... in the 7th inning. Needless to say that sums up this riveting experience.

11:31- Without much reflection I've determined I was far more entertained by Magic Johnson's speech at the Michael Jackson funeral special than I was by the All-Star game... until next year readers!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Week in Pictures

The equation is plain and simple: (Slow sports week + lack of time - the desire to think of fresh and original material) x the amount of beers I have consumed thus far this week = The Week in Pictures!
Enjoy...


"Okay, now just try not to burst out in laughter on your way down to first... dead kittens, dead kittens, dead kittens."














Wednesday, June 24, 2009

2009 NBA Draft Analysis

With the NBA draft only a day away, we're running out of time to give you our very own brand of analysis for the top prospects for the '09 class. Sure, any sports site can tell you that so and so can shoot the lights out, or that such and such a point guard has Steve Nash-like passing skills, but is that really enough? Not for the true fan. So take a look at our truly in-depth breakdown of the hottest players on the market, in Errant Balls' 2009 NBA Draft Analysis.

Blake Griffin
Positives- Strength and athleticism have him NBA ready now... Will immediately be a draw for crowds... Apparently is happy to play for the Clippers (jump on this before he realizes which LA team you are!)
Negative- Severe concussion suffered last season could be the motivator behind his eagerness to join the Clippers tradition
Where should he go?- Whether he really wants to or not, Blake Griffin is going to be a Clipper. It has been made abundantly clear that there will be no suspense when it comes to this year's first overall pick. So where should he go? Probably to those self-help meetings held at Michael Olowokandi's house titled: I'm a Clipper, and I'm going to be okay...

Ricky Rubio
Positives- Pro experience overseas has given him toughest competition possible... At the age of 18 he still has a ton of upside... "Pistol" Pete Maravich haircut allows him to be a true creator with the ball in his hands
Negative- Might just be a tanner version of "White Chocolate" Jason Williams
Where should he go?- It's tough to say where Rubio truly should go in this draft. He could be taken anywhere from 2-6 and could easily find himself in Memphis, Oklahoma City, Sacramento, or Minnesota. All possibilities of which I'm sure the young guard is thrilled about. In the end, it's just a shame that Las Vegas doesn't have a pro team, because that is the town where Ricky belongs. Just say his name out loud and tell me you couldn't see throngs of tourists living it up at the luxurious Ricky Rubio Hotel and Casino.

Hasheem Thabeet
Positives- Shot blocking prowess will make immediate defensive impact... Raw physical build gives room for improvement... 7'3" stature adds possibility that he may be the next Greg Oden
Negative- ... he may be the next Greg Oden
Where should he go?- In all likelihood it seems that the Grizzlies would be wise to lock Thabeet up with the number 2 pick. The Grizz haven't had a true inside presence since they traded Pau Gasol for a bushel of potatoes, and could really use a big man to shore up their defense. And on the upside for Thabeet, he'll have a few years to improve his game in Memphis before GM Chris Wallace trades him to a title contender for sixpence and a plowing ox.

Stephen Curry
Positives- Easily the purest shooter in the draft... Dad Dell Curry proves he has the NBA pedigree... Boyish appearance will allow him to sneak into opponent's practices under the guise of an autograph seeker
Negative- Teammates may be distracted by his hot mom in the stands
Where should he go?- The Knicks showed a ton of interest in Curry right off the bat, and true to form, cast a light on exactly why other teams should take a good hard look at him. Thanks to their generosity and open drooling over Curry, they have all but assured he won't land in New York. Nice job dipsh*ts. So while he should have gone to the big city, look for Steph to land in either Minnesota or Sacramento.

Tyreke Evans
Positives- Quintessential freshman talent who could have made the jump straight from high school... Short Memphis tenure had him learning much under John Calipari... It should be at least a full season before his fraudulent SAT's and free family flight allegations come to light
Negative- Conference USA experience may have him convinced every team aside from his is nothing more than a whipping post
Where should he go?- Evans is another guy who could go anywhere from 3-8. His tough build and slashing ability make him an interesting prospect for all the teams involved. But we'll guess he winds up in Minnesota, under the assumption that by the time the draft rolls around the Wolves will have traded for the rights to picks 2-21.

Tyler Hansbrough
Positives- Could easily be called the hardest working player in the draft... Toughness on the boards will add to any team lacking in the paint... Eyes are wide enough to provide great court vision, and the ability to see what will happen up to three plays in advance
Negative- Game-winning shot celebrations are not NBA ready
Where should he go?- Plain and simple, Tyler Hansbrough belongs on the Utah Jazz. Look at him... look at them. Tyler's workmanship and all out effort would fit perfectly with Jerry Sloan's tough guy style, and the raucous Utah crowds would go batty for his ferocious play in the key. This would be the most logical pickup of the sports year... that is until the Cincinnati Bengals sign Plaxico Burress.

Brandon Jennings
Positives- Decision to skip college and play overseas proves he's anxious for the NBA... Has looked promising in preseason workouts alongside Steph Curry and Gerald Henderson... 7.6 ppg average in Euroleague action should translate to 3.1 ppg in the NBA, instant production baby
Negative- 80's style Gumby haircut makes him the most likely candidate to show up to the draft dressed like the ghost of Bernie Mac
Where should he go?- Jennings is a tough player to place, because if he drops past the Knicks at 8 he could take a huge draft day slide. But for now, let's say he's the type of pick that is destined for New York. He has the athleticism and upside to tempt them just enough... along with the downside and complete bust possibility to be the next perfect "I can't believe we took this friggin' guy instead of..." pick for the Knicks (see: Renaldo Balkman over Rajon Rondo in '06).


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The sports star Twitter feed

Everyone has seen and heard about the mad craze that is Twitter. While Facebook and Myspace clearly cannot supply us with a sufficient amount of inane detail on the lives of others, Twitter can do just that. After all, how would any of my loyal followers get through the day without knowing my every move and receiving essential minute to minute updates on my activity like:

just left the house after dropping a wicked deuce... pretty sure i was a few wipes short! :O
about 1 hour ago from twitterberry

And as all of you sports nuts know, Twitter has become a huge hit with professional athletes. Guys like Shaquille O'Neal and Chris Bosh says it gives them a chance to interact on a more personal level with fans. And the fans have obliged with over 1 million and almost 25,000 following the two respectively (ouch, maybe a few dropped Bosh after Shaq called him the RuPaul of big men).
In any case, it has come to our attention that not everyone is fully aware of what they are missing on Twitter. So it is with great pleasure that we use the infinite insider hook ups of Errant Balls to give the fans an exclusive look at the juciest Twitter posts of some of the biggest names in sports today... enjoy!

Manny Ramirez
feelin great about this season so far, i love LA!
11:46 AM May 5th from web

cant believe im out for 50 games for that! i thought it was allowed now that arod admitted it
9:32 PM May 9th from web

enjoying my time off, got back into collecting pogs and traded for a sweet kung fu panda slammer today!
7:52 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Kobe Bryant
just finished off melo and the nuggets, headed to the finals again! glad to be out of denver tho, theyre not very nice...
11:01 PM May 29th from web

magic johnson just asked me if winning w/o shaq would be more special. like i needed shaq... wtf? lmfao!!!
5:26 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

watching tape of dwight howard, thinking we should just bring adam morrison in to dropkick him in his supersized sack
12:43 AM June 3rd from web

Tom Brady
just had first practice back, knee is feeling great... theres nothing i cant do!
6:12 PM May 27th from Twitterberry

just ran full speed up to a cop and grabbed his gun, when he saw who i was he chuckled jovially and took my pic... theres nothing i cant do!
2:29 PM May 31st from Twitterberry

just told gisele to shut up and make me a sandwich... seriously... theres NOTHING i cant do!
12:03 PM June 3rd from web

Shaquille O'Neal
cant believe its a magic-lakers final. neither can win without the diesel tho, predicting a tie
1:21 AM May 31st from web

kobe told magic johnson i couldnt have won without him... omg! wtf? LMFAO!!!
11:57 PM June 2nd from web

thinking of pulling a sacha baren-cohen on kobe at the finals so he can really tell the world how my ass tastes
10:33 AM June 3rd from web

LeBron James
completely shocked we're going home, expected the world this season
12:34 AM May 31st from Twitterbug

sorry i didnt shake hands after the game, but i poop my pants when severely devastated. the world didnt need to see that
11:47 AM June 1st from web

that kobe-lebron muppet commercial where he breaks my balls about championship rings is really starting to piss me off!
8:13 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

John Calipari
sorry to hear about the troubles at memphis, but totally focused on UK
8:16 AM May 23rd from web

shouldve known derek rose's 1600 SAT was too good to be true
10:52 PM May 31st from web

had no idea derek's brother was catching free flights on us, thought that kid was a flight attendant
1:21 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Carlos Beltran
supposed to finally get in the game tonite, cant wait to take down pittsburgh!
3:02 PM June 2nd from web

just yacked my brains out all over d-wrights cleats... stuck in the bathroom :*(
6:17 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

missed 3 games now w/ this stomach virus. pretty sure the pirates gave me scurvy
11:21 PM June 2nd from web