Tuesday, April 15, 2008

And the weiner is....

Keeping in line with the negativity of last week’s wildly popular (3 more readers than usual) Errant Balls column, I’ve decided to award those who have found their way onto the wrong side of public interest in the past week. So be prepared to put your sarcastic hands together for the few, the proud, the goats of the week.

Mr. Clutch
It’s crunch time. The season is winding down. The late year playoff scramble is in full effect. It’s time to look to your superstars to carry you home… just don’t expect them to drive you. Early Monday morning Denver Nuggets star forward Carmelo Anthony was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence in the city of Denver. After his worst scoring performance of the year ‘Melo evidently decided the best way to reaffirm his teammates’ faith in him was to “weave from lane to lane and fail to dim his lights.”

Anthony issued the standard, yet always amusing athlete’s public apology on Tuesday noting “It’s kind of bad timing right now, due to the playoffs.” Well, at least we can say his shrewd perception hasn’t gone the way of his sobriety.

Mr. Consistency
Another victim of the sweet lures of the sauce, our second winner managed to convince his team he should no longer be a part of it. The eternally buzzed Scott Spiezio was released by the Braves AAA affiliate on Saturday, only two months after his release from a substance abuse center.

The former Cardinal had already seen his fair share of trouble when a drunken driving/hit and run (of the vehicular nature, not of the well executed textbook baseball nature) bounced him from St. Louis back in February. A bit more than a year later, the Braves went out on a limb and offered Spiezio a chance at redemption, signing him to a minor league contract. He lasted two weeks.

Arriving at a game in a condition that was discreetly described as “unfit to play,” Spiezio’s short stint with the Braves was over quicker than most of his benders. But to be fair to the Braves, who wouldn’t trust this guy with a second chance?

Service to the Community
On Monday night Madison Square Garden was the site for the final home game of the New York Knicks hapless ‘07-’08 season. It was also the scene for one giant gesture of generosity, or as many might call it… a collective “our bad”.

The once-revered Knickerbockers organization decided as a whole that the best way to apologize to their humiliated fans for their year gone awry was to offer free food and non-alcoholic beverages for the entirety of the game. Seems legit to me.

Coach got a hankering for harassment and a complete inability to run a team? Have yourself a hot dog. Owner got the intelligence and business savvy of Spaulding Smails from Caddyshack? Here’s a stale, semi-warm pretzel. Cherished franchise inexplicably driven into the ground? Drown your sorrows in a six-gallon Pepsi with a free bendy straw.

Maybe they should’ve considered lifting the “non-alcoholic” addendum to their offer. If you’re a Knicks fan, chances are you could’ve used a beer or twenty.

Bush League MVP
This one may just be unprecedented. It is a move so lame it will forever shine in the annals of the Total Dick Moves Hall of Fame. It is a move so juvenile it could be seen as the physical equivalent of the “I know you are, but what am I?” comeback. It is a move that reeks so heartily of bush-leaguery that it prompted an immediate rule change for the entire sport. Not the next season, not the next month… the next day. And perhaps most shockingly, it is a move that was so douche-tastic it actually made me bring up hockey.

Following game 3 of a playoff series against the New Jersey Devils, New York Rangers’ left wing/perpetual a-hole Sean Avery prompted the NHL to form what is being referred to as “The Avery Rule” (the league majority refused to pass it under its original working name, the Pestering Dickhead Statute). In short, the rule states that a player cannot stand directly in front of the opposing team’s goalie and act like a seven year old trying to block his little brother’s view of the television.

Even for an uber-cock like Sean Avery, this is a little much.

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