"Sir, are you positive you wouldn't prefer to check this bag?"
Hats off to Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers who had the gumption... no the audacity... nay, the straight up BALLS to carry a cocked and loaded handgun in his carry on bag at Hopkins International Airport.
Shaun, in this case, honesty is the best policy. In the dangerous and unpredictable world we live in a bit of paranoia and caution is understandable. I doubt anyone would be complaining about your weapon if there were hijackers, or God forbid snakes on that plane. So our advice is this, if you're going to lie about why you had the gun, don't say you "forgot" you had it. Refer to the Dave Chappelle rule of thumb here and just go with a good old "I'm sorry officer... I, I didn't know I couldn't do that."
"I just want to apologize to my colleagues for having to answer so many questions about my wayward penis."
A round of applause is due to Tiger Woods who sat himself and his giant balls down at Augusta and offered a rousing "my bad" to the media on hand. In the face of an upcoming weekend sure to be filled with vicious sniping and heckling from the notoriously unruly Masters crowd ("Your lack of ethics and integrity may have permanently damaged your large-scale marketability... ya JACKASS!"), Tiger stepped up to the podium and performed admirably.
After what can only be described as one of the most epic wiener-romps the world has ever seen, it can't be easy to admit that "yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done that." Well really Tiger what you shouldn't have done is gotten married. Look at Derek Jeter, he's thrown more junk than the NYC sanitation department and he's on pace to be the next mayor, but I suppose that's neither here nor there. So in the end, we offer a golf clap to you and your balls for facing the filthy, filthy music.
"We can't let Kevin Kolb rot on the bench forever, he could be the next Koy Detmer!"
Congrats to the Philadelphia Eagles brass, whose collective balls are are so incalculably enormous they couldn't even see around them when they accidentally traded their franchise quarterback to an in-division rival. I'll admit though, on some level you have to admire the nonchalant attitude of "Sure he took us to five NFC championships and a Super Bowl, but f*ck it. Washington, you take 'em."
Of course, only time will tell if this was a genius move or an epic failure driven by men blinded by their own uncontrollably huge balls, but suffice it to say that it is not exactly common practice to hand a rival your best player. In any case, bravo to the Eagles for sacking up and throwing caution (and reason) to the wind. And in the mean time, I'll just assume this was a foregone conclusion once you found out Donovan McNabb didn't know you could tie in football.
- Butler Bulldog Gordon Hayward, who despite looking like a 6'8" version of Encyclopedia Brown, had the onions to take two game-winning shot attempts that narrowly missed.
- The CBS execs that decided to have former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson sing this year's version of "One Shining Moment." Traditionally performed by the now departed Luther Vandross, it took some real balls on CBS's part to switch the artist in spite of the obvious likelihood of a smooth rhythm and blues haunting from Big L himself.
- Chicago White Sox starting pitcher Mark Buerhle, for disregarding the strong possibility of smacking himself in his own tremendous beans with his glove and in turn, locking up the ESPY for Play of the Year on opening day.