Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Undead Earl Woods does not approve

By now you have all seen the bizarre venture into uber-creepiness that is the new Tiger Woods commercial in which he stares into the camera while being questioned by a voiceover of his disappointed and apparently recently exhumed father. While we can all sit back and judge whether or not Tiger and Nike are wrong for exploiting the words of the golfer's late father, one thing is abundantly clear, poor morals just don't fly with Tiger's pappy. So in a sports world so rife with depravity, we can't help but wonder who else zombie Earl Woods would like to give a good, stern talking to...

"Ben, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. Are you sure forcefully groping women at every bar in the continental United States is the best follow up act to your 2009 Super Bowl victory? It seems to me that while you have not been charged with any crimes, you clearly are what some might call 'a bit handsy.' Regardless of the degree of your incidents or even of any guilt, you have officially replaced Kobe Bryant as the punchline in every athlete/sexual assault joke. I have also seen several mock Steelers #7 jerseys that read 'Rapelisberger,' 'Roethlisrapist,' and even the unoriginal but surprisingly amusing 'Rapey Raperson.' So my advice to you Ben, is to stop treating local watering holes like your own personal pap smear mobile and quit while you are marginally ahead."

"Mr. Ho Park.. or Park. Wait, is it Park or Ho Park? Whatever. Anyway, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion in order to uncover the mystery of why you chose to share your bowel issues with the media at large. Now I can see that whether it was your less than stellar outing or your game worn underpants, runs were an issue that day. However, I would like to extend to you the friendly suggestion of avoiding using a grisly case of diarrhea as part of any on-camera explanation. Sure, we have all been there. I've dealt with the Hershey Squirts. I've endured the green apple splatters. I've even fought off the vicious fudge dragon from the fiery depths of ballon-knot canyon, but personally sir, well I keep it to myself. So the next time a physical ailment hinders your performance on the mound, why not just call it a rough day and spare the world an unnecessary look into your own private poo-poo platter."

"I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion, because I want to understand why exactly you're snatching up the league's most morally debased players like hot cakes. Is it the pressure to live up to the riveting 2008 edition of HBO's Hard Knocks? Because let me tell you, that's just not going to happen. Did you see that season? That's just plain good television. Anyway, despite the possibility of solid cable programming, I simply cannot understand the motivation behind the signings you have made. Is it the hope that signing Antonio Cromartie will get you a head start on the athletic crop that is his small army of illegitimate children? Or is it the possibility that adding Santonio Holmes lands you a player willing to throw a glass in the face of a referee after a blown call? And most perplexing of all, why then did you sign good guy LaDainian Tomlinson? Was O.J. Simpson not available for your 3rd down back slot? In the end all I can say is this, you had better win. Because if you send out a bunch of amoral jackasses and still lose... well then you're just the Washington Wizards, and nobody wants that."

No comments: