Tuesday, October 14, 2008

An odd week to say the least

The past week in sports turned out quite a few unexpected occurrences, and we run through them one by one.

Rays beating up on the BoSox
Regardless of their miraculous regular season it was still difficult to see this one coming. These are the Devil Rays after all, even if by a slightly different name. Maybe Boston should consider going as the Crimson Pantyhose before this season is a distant memory. This youthful team's roster has impressed in all facets of the game and garnered so many "young stud" compliments from commentators you'd think Mike Piazza was working the booth.

So who knows where the magic lies? It could be in Joe Maddon's rayhawk, or it could be in the frenzied yells of Grant Balfour threatening to burn your home to the ground, but any way you slice it the Rays are looking like a legitimate World Series favorite (tell me you called that last year and I promise I will have Balfour slap the lying teeth right out of your mouth).

Phillies' heroes come in pint sized or chunky
The Dodgers looked like the hottest team in baseball coming into the NLCS, but that took a quick turn once the Phillies bats caught fire. Shane Victorino (whose nickname is the Flyin' Hawaiian in case you had the games on mute for all of the 5 bazillion times announcers feel the need to mention it) has shown us two significant things during these playoffs; first, that he enjoys foods so thoroughly nauseating that he's being pleaded with to no longer eat them, and second, that he is a 5'9"monster at the plate.

On the opposite side if the size spectrum, is pinch hit hero Matt Stairs. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, Matt Stairs still plays baseball. And his go-ahead homer in the 8th inning of game 4 gave the Fightin's a 3 games to 1 lead. The jury is still out however, on the likelihood that stairs may just be this man in disguise, back for one more shot at Philly glory.

Are the New York Jets phasing out the Jets?
For the second time in three home games the Jets donned their "throwback" Titans of New York uniforms against the Bengals this week. Now to be fair they have won both contests, so this isn't to say they shouldn't have worn them, it's more to ask why.

Why are they wearing these hideous blue and cat-poop yellow, Tecmo bowl-reject-looking monstrosities rather than their actual team colors? Why are they allowed to wear Titans jerseys when there is already a team in the league called the Titans? And more than anything, why are these considered throwbacks? A throwback is supposed to be a retro version of your team's old duds. But they weren't the Jets back then, so this isn't much of a Jets throwback. Does this mean we can expect the Ravens throwbacks to be Cleveland Browns or Baltimore Colts jerseys?

I say if they want to sport jerseys for a team that only existed until 1963, then they should have to use the 1963 equipment along with it. So you can keep your trendy alternate jerseys, just be prepared to enjoy them with a side of devastating injuries!

Some other quick-hit notables
Madden's Favre-like streak of games called coming to an end; Exorbitant gas prices make it unrealistic to run a bus full of John Madden's food supply, and John Madden, cross country so often.

Lions reaching levels of ineptitude once thought impossible; No longer bothering to even teach players the rules.

NFL order of position hierarchy thrown into tailspin as kicker takes egregious liberties with celebration.

Rather than being annihilated by washed up old man (Ken Shamrock), Kimbo Slice lit up by last minute replacement, pink-haired, smoothie stand manager. Looks like it's back to fighting bums for you good sir!

Adam "Pacman" Jones suspended again... whoops... wait that was for next week's column; "A predictable as the tides and in no way odd week to say the least."

Klitschko disposes of opponents, hangs on to soiled diapers; Champ uses "wee covered nappies" to ease his sore fists. Side note: If i ever see this ogre walking down the street with diapers strapped to his fists I'm sure I will promptly wee my nappies and hand them over.

China's focus shifts from underage gymnasts to the unruly public urination of drunken ping pong champions.

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