Brett Favre’s debut in a Jets uniform was a resounding success in a 20-14 win over the Miami Dolphins. Sure beating the Fins isn’t exactly unheard of (I myself beat them twice last year), but Favre looked impressive putting up 192 yards through the air and throwing for 2 touchdowns, both of which were henceforth followed with celebrations of boyish jubilation and love for the game. You’ve got to enjoy the stark contrast between sports and the real world though; Favre throws a TD and proceeds to run around whooping and hollering and is praised for his youthful exuberance for the job… I do it once behind the deli counter after an exceptionally sliced pound of peppercorn turkey and suddenly I “might be retarded” and my slicer privileges are revoked.
HOLY CRAHHP TAWM IS DOWWWWN!
Despite coming out of week one with a win, Patriots fans all over the New England area are “fah-kin ovah-whelmed with dev-uh-stay-shun” after losing Tom Brady for the season only 8 minutes into their first game. After taking a hit to the knee from Chiefs’ safety Bernard Pollard, Brady crumpled to the ground screaming in pain, and the grand opening of the new CBS Scene sports bar in Foxboro was marred by flash floods of Beantown tears. Personally, I don’t see what they’re so worried about. If this Brady-Cassel thing follows suit with the dynamics of the Bledsoe-Brady changeover, Matt Cassel will lead the Pats to 12 straight Super Bowl victories on his way to becoming the new Supreme Overlord of Earth.
The offensive attack of the Dallas Cowboys looked as effective as ever, putting up 4 TD’s and a total of 487 yards on the ever popular sleeper pick Cleveland Browns, and verifying themselves as one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl. While few were surprised by the efficiency on offense of Romo, Barber, and T.O., critics of the Cowboys’ defensive acquisitions were shocked to learn that Tank Johnson didn’t bring a single firearm to the game and that Adam “Pacman” Jones was only cited for one misdemeanor in 4 quarters of play. Bravo gentleman… looks like America’s team is back.
GREEN BAY IS OKAY!
The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay started off on a positive note on Monday night, as the new face of the Pack led them to a 24-19 victory over the rival Vikings, and only a dozen or so fans committed suicide when a name that wasn’t Favre was announced over the loudspeaker as the QB (far fewer than the pregame estimates of between two and three hundred). Rodgers looked steady and confident in his debut, throwing for 178 yards and a TD, and adding another on the ground. He even got his first shot at taking the Lambeau leap, which was successful only when fans were able to alleviate his short jump by pulling him into the crowd by his freakishly enormous shnozz.
COMMITMENT TO EMBARRASSMENT
The Raiders continued their astonishingly futile post-Super Bowl run with a horrendous Monday night performance against the Denver Broncos. This once highly touted rivalry was turned into a complete humiliation the likes of which made first year receiver Eddie Royal look like he must be the lovechild of Jerry Rice and Mercury Morris (Royal hung 146 yards and a TD on Raiders “star” corner DeAngelo Hall). The Raiders horrid defense allowed Jay Cutler to pick them apart for 299 yards, and their supposedly revamped offense wasn’t able to score until the 4th quarter when the game was already out of reach. And the worst part… the fans seemed shocked! I’m sorry Raider faithful, but no amount of commitment to the team or willingness to dress like Gwar is going to change the fact that your squad stands no chance of recovery so long as it is still run by this guy.