Tuesday, September 2, 2008

2008 NFL Predictions Part I: AFC

It's time for Errant Balls' to tap into our psychic powers and conjure up predictions you'll surely see come to light during the 2008 NFL season. So read on for insights on the AFC, and be sure to check back on Thursday for the NFC segment!

Buffalo Bills- The Bills will struggle with team chemistry after it is revealed that Marshawn Lynch has been the one dinging up their cars in the parking lot.

Miami Dolphins- Thanks to the addition of new quarterback Chad Pennington, a surprisingly competitive Fins squad will win more than 5 games by systematically dismantling opposing defenses... in 6 yard increments.

New England Patriots- The coach/quarterback honeymoon in New England will end when it is revealed that the Tom Brady/Gisele sex tape that is leaked onto the internet was actually taped by a Patriots video assistant on orders from Bill Belichick.

New York Jets- Not only will the Jets compete with the Pats for the division title thanks to the cannon arm of Brett Favre, but the field in Giants Stadium will remain flawless throughout the season thanks to Favre's meticulous off-day mowing routines.

Baltimore Ravens- Despite issues at the quarterback position the Ravens, dubbed "God's team" by Ray Lewis, will begin the year by going a shocking 7-0 out of the gate. Because frankly... even God is a little afraid of Ray Lewis.

Cincinnati Bengals- Recently renamed receiver Chad Ocho Cinco will surprisingly not be the only Bengal to change his moniker, as teammate Chris Henry will officially be known as Inmate #7326 by season's end.

Cleveland Browns- Quarterback Brady Quinn will once again have his sexuality called into question when he celebrates a touchdown by spanking Braylon Edwards... in the team hotel... on a Wednesday... wearing only hotpants and a cape.

Pittsburgh Steelers- The supposedly alleviated "tall receiver" conflict will rear its ugly head around midseason, after a late game Roethlisberger interception prompts a frustrated Hines Ward to demand a quarterback that doesn't "crash and burn."

Houston Texans- Texans' coaches will question backup running back Chris Brown's commitment to the team after he is injured during a performance at the 2008 MTV Video Awards.

Indianapolis Colts- Star quarterback Peyton Manning's focus will suffer as he will once again inundate your television in countless off-field endorsements, including becoming the face of the Infected Bursa Sac Prevention Committee.

Jacksonville Jaguars- The Jags will continue to perform above and beyond expectations based solely on the gut-wrenching fear instilled in them by coach Jack Del Rio.

Tennessee Titans- The Titans will see vast improvement from quarterback Vince Young after his unorthodox sidearm delivery is miraculously righted when teammate Albert Haynesworth stomps on his head.

Denver Broncos- Coach Mike Shanahan will be forced by team executives to see a skin specialist as a precautionary measure, after a farsighted ball boy unintentionally grabs his leathery brown face and tries to throw him to a referee.

Kansas City Chiefs- Coach Herm Edwards will break down in tears and take his own life during a week 6 postgame press conference when asked whether he thinks Brodie Croyle really gives them the best possible chance to win.

Oakland Raiders- Owner Al Davis will finally be forcibly removed from his position of power after he attempts a midseason trade of Jamarcus Russell for Ken Stabler and a half dozen beaver pelts.

San Diego Chargers- After playing against doctor's orders Shawn Merriman's knee will actually explode out of his leg in the fourth quarter in week 2. Merriman will return to practice only days later however, after strangely high testosterone levels allow him to grow a new knee within hours.

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