Wednesday, February 11, 2009

An affair to forget

For those of you who haven't turned on the television, radio or computer since last Saturday, we'd like to be the first to break the shocking news that star baseball player Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking steroids. Yes, in an emotional interview on ESPN, a regretful and eerily orange A-Rod came clean about his positive drug test in 2004. Rodriguez's admission has shaken the already fragile baseball world to it's core, and left many wondering where to go from here. There are Hall of Fame voters suggesting that anyone who has ever been under suspicion for performance enhancers should never be voted into the hall. And with 103 names yet to be released along with A-Rod's, that leaves us with the chance that many of the most dominant players from the aptly named "steroid era" may essentially not exist according to baseball history.
This possibility got us thinking here at Errant Balls, about the fact that a shameful era is almost an inevitability in modern sports. With the amount of money and fame out there for the taking, eventually someone is going to go to extraordinary and possibly unethical lengths to be a part of this world. And thanks to this, we're likely to run into a forgettable time for most every sport at some point.
So just to prepare you, we will now take a look into the future, at some of the eventual eras of shame for the sports world at large...

NBA- The Flubber Epidemic
In 2012, the successful creation of flubber in a Cleveland teenager's basement will set off a sudden influx of white males under 6 feet into the NBA. The underground distribution of the materials between he and his circle of buddies will allow them to land tryouts with pro squads and find their way into the league.
While baffled scholars and sports minds alike scramble to figure out the cause of these seemingly miraculous talents, players like Rory McMillin and Jimmy Levinstein will replace LeBron James and Kobe Bryant as the faces of the league.

NFL- The "I guess we should acknowledge the steroid era," era
In 2039, a weak kneed, tiny testicled, back acne'd, 54 year old Shawne Merriman will be the spokesman for a shrunken sacked army of former players to come out in protest against the NFL's lax steroid policies.
Though Merriman had been punished for banned substances while in the league, he will point out that overall use ran rampant, and that the NFL turned a blind eye and allowed it to continue. By enabling them to habitually use substances that hadn't been tested over long periods of time, the retirees blame the NFL for the tragic and debilitating side affects like Ray Lewis' hairless tail, Joey Porter's ever expanding plethora of nipples, Kellen Winslow's forehead ear, and Terrell Owen's leaky tear ducts (although that last one may not be completely attributed to steroids).

MLB- The NyQuil Project
In an effort to cure the league of the steroid issue permanently, commissioner Bud Selig will suggest a radical method of leveling the playing field for the 2009 season.
After releasing the other 103 names from the positive steroid tests in '04, Selig will invoke "The NyQuil Rule." Stating simply that, if you are one of the players named on the list, you must participate in every single game of the '09 season, and must take twice the recommended dose of NyQuil 5 minutes prior to taking the field.
The initial intrigue will cause a spike in television ratings, but the subsequent string of horrific injuries and nationally broadcast blood loss will eventually lead to Selig's Nixon-like, forced resignation.

NHL- Don't forget to remember us!
Seeing as how everyone has already forgotten about the them, Gary Bettman and the brain trust that have run the league into the ground will make one last ditch effort to revive the floundering NHL in 2015.
Now relegated to the Bravo Channel, NHL games will feature an assortment of fancy gimmicks to keep the fans entertained:
- The return of the always popular and completely necessary glowing puck
- Each team is allowed 7 skaters on the ice at a time, one wielding a concealed blade
- Goalies can no longer wear cups, and a shot to the beans is worth 2 goals
- Player fights will be banned, but if at any point two players disagree, their respective coaches must come onto the ice and bare-knuckle box one another
The attempts to save the league will fail miserably, and the final Stanley Cup ceremony will feature the live, mid-ice sacrifice of Gary Bettman, followed by the ceremonial drinking of his blood from the cup.

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