Tuesday, July 15, 2008

2008 MLB All-Star Game running diary

Look, Bill Simmons (ESPN's the Sports Guy) is taking a ridiculous hiatus from his cushy job where he gets paid a ton of money to do what I do for nothing every week. So yeah, I'm stealing his running diary method. He's not using it during his hiatus anyway is he?

So here it is, my 2008 All-Star game running diary...

7:53- Catching the end of the MLB All-Star Red Carpet Parade, Fox anchor Jeanie Zelasko thanks "over a million people for showing up in the streets of New York." And only 20% of those people were of the hobo/street-preacher variety!

8:10- The All-Star Game festivities kick off with the introduction of the visiting Hall of Famers along with the starters. Incidentally, Gaylord Perry not as gay looking as his name would have you think.

8:14- Chase Utley makes it through this introduction without openly swearing on camera.

8:17- I am unashamed to admit I almost had myself a bit of a man-moment when the DER-EK JET-ER chant broke out in Yankee Stadium... don't judge me.

8:21- Hall of Fame right fielder Tony Gwynn isn't exactly at his former playing weight, he now occupies right field in its entirety.

8:24- Man-moment flares up again with chants of YO-GI, YO-GI.

8:27- Second appearance of Mohegan Sun commercial where the people sing about the casino to the tune of Superfreak has me on the verge of throwing a chair through the television.

8:33- Man-moment at full kilter as Hall of Fame Yanks throw out ceremonial first pitch to current Bombers.

8:45- Starter Cliff Lee is only two pitches into the game and already Tim McCarver has made me want to punch myself in the face.

8:56- Alex Rodriguez steps up to the plate for his first appearance. I'm not sure what the deal with the white gloves/wristbands/cleats combo is... maybe he is trying to look Like A Virgin?... Anyone?

9:16- Fox just showed a shot of Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia in the on deck circle with former Mayor of New York City and die-hard Yankee fan Rudy Giuliani right behind him in the front row. I'm no lip reader but I'm almost positive Rudy just called him a little turd.

9:32- Joe Buck reveals that breakout American League star Josh Hamilton once had a severe issue with drug addiction. Why is this the first we're hearing of this? This guy really hasn't gotten enough media coverage.

9:41- Say what you will about Carlos Zambrano, you have to admire what he has been able to accomplish in life despite his complete lack of a neck.

9:52- Matt Holliday's HR breaks a scoreless tie in the 5th and puts the National League up 1-0. Nice to see someone showed up with their bat, I was about to start chronicling the reruns of The George Lopez Show on Nick-at-Nite.

10:12- Nice to see much deserving All-Star Jason Varitek (.218 batting avg.) finally make his first appearance in tonight's game.

10:27- Did you know that Josh Hamilton used to be addicted to drugs?

10:39- Nice to see that Josh Groban felt the need to comb his hair before he came out to sing God Bless America. He looks like he just came straight from throwing up $9 beers in the Yankee Stadium bathrooms.

10:52- 50,000 New York fans collectively let out a half-assed cheer as Red Sox All-Star J.D. Drew ties the game for the American League with a 2-run HR.

11:04- After entering the game to an unrelenting chorus of boos, and chants of OVER-RATED, Boston reliever Jonathan Papelbon gives up the go ahead run to the National League. I am genuinely surprised he didn't pull a Jack McDowell as he walked off the mound.

11:18- Hey National League coaches, good call bringing in the always reliable Billy Wagner to hold your 1-run lead. Rookie Evan Longoria just roped a double to left field to drive in the tying run.

11:31- Yankee closer Mariano Rivera enters the game, and holds the lead for the American league with a quickly executed strike 'em out, throw 'em out. What was it again that Jonathan Papelbon said about being as reliable as Mo?

11:37- How much does Cubs reliever Ryan Dempster look like comedian Louis C.K.?

11:53- Mo just came awfully close to helping me stick my foot in my mouth, thank God for the double-play ball.

11:57- Two straight errors by Marlins 2nd baseman Dan Uggla have led to a bases loaded, no out situation for the American League. I won't jump on the easy Uggla/ugly pun opportunity here, I'll just say that sucked balls.

12:04- Miguel Tejada's gorgeous play just bailed Dan Uggla out of All-Star infamy. And they say steroids are bad for you...

12:07- Listen, I know Joakim Soria is having a great year thus far, but doesn't something feel wrong about having the game rest on the shoulders of a Kansas City Royal?

12:21- Oh Dioner Navarro you slow, slow bastard. The Rays catcher is thrown out at the plate attempting to break the tie. I just want to get some sleep.

12:35- Orioles closer George Sherrill and his extremely straight billed hat strike out Adrian Gonzalez and send the game into the bottom of the 12th.

12:38- Carlos Guillen just came about 1 foot from winning the game with a HR, while outfielder Ryan Ludwick came about 1 foot from severely disfiguring his face on the left field wall.

12:45- On we go to the 13th inning... I say we just take the smallest player from each roster and have them fight for it.

1:00- Dan Uggla's 3rd error of the night. I'm praying no more balls are hit his way, no one wants to see a guy crap himself in front of 55,000 people.

1:07- Nate McLouth you dirty Pirate hooker. The NL outfielder just missed a 14th inning HR, what a tease.

1:19- The only thing keeping me going is this hilarious Taco Bell commercial where the D'Backs coach writes in his diary about how much he loves the new "Fruitista Freeze." I don't know, maybe I'm delirious. On to the 15th.

1:22- What is up with the Padres uniforms? Are these beige or just unwashed?

1:37- Sweet relief! Michael Young drives in Justin Morneau and wins it for the AL with a 15th inning sac fly! Good thing because one more inning closer to a tie and Bud Selig might have just started punching children.

I'm out!

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