Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Confessions Of A Superstar Athlete

This past week has been an interesting one for quite a few individuals in the world of sports. Ranging from a monumental victory, to a prestigious award ceremony, to a condemning court sentence, all of these events elicited their own unique thoughts and feelings. So rather than just covering the occurrences, I've decided to take it one step further, I'm getting into their heads to give you the first person accounts of this week in sports.

Saturday, December 8th
Into the mind of Floyd "Pretty Boy" Mayweather (Round 10)
Damn man, how the hell am I supposed to concentrate on this fight? Between the distractions of this boy's limey white skin and his 10,000 closest friends belligerently belting out that song nonstop I'm gonna lose my damn mind.
And how the hell is he gonna take this many punches square in the face and not even flinch? I'll tell you how, I can smell the Guinness on this man's breath. He is sweating more alcohol in 10 rounds than the average American can consume in 10 days. I'm trying to avoid locking up with him again because I'm pretty sure I'm getting a contact high.
He's wavering now though, I can see it in his eyes... the cruel mistress of sobriety. Now is my chance. They can't liquor him up in the corner, and he's hurting for it. He looks terrible, just like Popeye without his spinach... God it's embarrassing. Time to make my move.
Damn Ricky Hatton did you just eat the turnbuckle on your way down? I know there's a beer ad on it but that was just sad. Oh no, he's back up. Here's two more pints for you Ricky...... goodnight.
Here come the cameras, quick get into your "I can be humble and gracious while still referring to myself in the third person" mode. Damn I love Floyd Mayweather. I mean... "Ricky Hatton is a hell of a champion." Yeah, eat it up.

Friday, December 7th
Into the mind of Tim Tebow (Heisman ceremony)
I can't believe this day is finally here, Heisman day! It all seems so unreal. And being up for the greatest award in college football after just my Sophomore year, man that is so cool. This is one of the proudest days of my life, in fact, it's second only to the day I discovered the Tim Tebow Facts web site... now that, was truly humbling.
I wonder if I can really win though, there's some tough competition here: Darren McFadden, who lined up behind center and went Tebow on the LSU Tigers himself. Colt Brennan, who apparently played in Hawaii... hell until this year I didn't know they had football there besides the Pro-Bowl. And Chase Daniel, who sits before us today despite being a fat quarterback. So admirable, so deserving, all of them.
Then again, I have to think I've got a legitimate shot. Throwing for 29 touchdowns and running for 22 more, those aren't exactly Chris Leak numbers. Plus my Daddy's a preacher, that has to net me a few extra supporters. And pictures like this one can't hurt my chances with a contingency full of male voters either.
Here they are with the announcement...... OH MY GOD I DID IT! Tim Tebow really is the greatest thing since sliced bread! Okay, calm down. Hug mom, hug dad... now approach the stage. And hug... Danny Wuerfful?! Aw damn man! I know you're a former Heisman winning Florida quarterback too... but damn man! Now you got your Wuerffel cooty juices all over me.
Hello impending mediocrity.

Monday, December 10th
Into the mind of Michael Vick (Richmond, VA courtroom)
How did I get here? I still can't believe I've fallen so far, so fast. God damn Madden curse. I knew I never should've agreed to do that cover.
Man, Marcus is supposed to be the screw up. All the gun charges, getting kicked off the Hokies in college, getting drafted by the Dolphins... he was the one who did everything wrong. Now look at us, It's like a bad episode of The Twilight Zone! He's comforting mom while I stand trial for being the mastermind behind a dogfighting ring. This doesn't make any sense!
First of all, you don't really have to be a mastermind. Get two dogs, kick 'em in the balls a few times 'til they get real pissed off, and throw 'em in an enclosed ring... Voila! It's not exactly like I engineered the Lufthansa heist.
Second off, what year is it? I know I'm in a courtroom in the south but did they really have to dress me like Eddie Murphy in Life? This is so humiliating, even compared to the whole Ron Mexico fiasco. And if you can be embarrassed worse than when you were publicly accused of spreading herpes, you know your life has taken a wrong turn.
I've got a bad feeling this judge has it in for me too. I have this sneaking suspicion he didn't like that I used air-quotes when "taking responsibility." Oh my god... he's back. The moment of truth.....
23 MONTHS!? You gotta be f*@king kidding me! I can't spend 23 months in prison, it's inhumane! They don't even let me use my water bottle with the special compartment in there! This can't be happening! MISTRIAL! MISTRIAL! FAULTY JURYYYY!

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