Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Christmas Wishes

The most magical time of the year is finally upon us. Christmas time is a time for hope and joy, and let's be honest, presents. And everyone, even the most famous of sports figures, has a Christmas wish list.

ROGER CLEMENS (Pitcher, New York Yankees)
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is for everyone to stop hating me. What did I ever do to George Mitchell anyway? And what proof does he have that I ever did steroids? DAMN IT! It just makes me so mad! I can't explain why a rational person would ever such a thing, but it makes me want to throw a shattered bat at him!
Now Barry Bonds, THERE'S a guy who clearly took steroids. How else can you explain his sudden success at such an old age? It's preposterous! Please help me Santa!
Unfairly accused,
The Rocket

TIGER WOODS (Professional Golfer, filthy rich)
Dear Santa,
Seriously? I'm Tiger Woods. Married to a model... endorsement money coming out of my ears... able to obliterate my "opponents" while simultaneously beating them virtually on my PSP... any of that ring a bell?
I really can't accept anymore. In fact, take what you were going to give me and donate it to whatever charity is helping Phil Mickelson raise capital for his breast reduction.

CLEO LEMON (QB, 1-13 Miami Dolphins)
Dear Santa,
I already got my Christmas present... does that make me Jewish?
Anyway all I really wanted this year was to get a win, and you granted my wish. I mean Cleo Lemon and Greg Camarillo save the day? How else can that be explained if not as a Christmas miracle?!
Now I can look forward to the yearly reunion of the 2007 Dolphins where we toast a round of Old Grandad whiskey shots whenever a team almost puts up an 0'fer.
I guess if you have time I would like one thing though... please take a dump in my parents chimney for naming me Cleo Lemon.
Winner at last,

MIKE KRZYZEWSKI (Head Coach/Filthy-mouthed trucker, Duke)
Dear Santa,
I know my team is doing unexpectedly well so far this year, but if I have learned anything about being a successful coach it's to never be satisfied. So I'm not f#@king satisfied!
These a$h@l#s just do not know how to f#@king hustle for two f#@king halves! Please teach these p@$#es a little bit about hard work.... get on the f#@king boards you little bi%@hes!!! You make me sick! You aren't good enough to lick the s%*$ off my %$#*@%!!!!!
Respectfully Yours,
Coach K.

MICHAEL VICK (Former NFL QB, current prison inmate)
Dear Santa,
They check the letters here before they send them out so I gotta make it brief:
- Hollowed out Bible
- Knife-spoon
- Poster of Rita Hayworth
'Nuff Said,
Ron Mexico

ANTOINE WALKER (Forward, Minnesota Timberwolves)
Dear Santa,
I've had a pretty tough year. I started off in sunny Miami and before I could blink I was suddenly exiled to a Garnett-less Minnesota. Where is KG now you ask? In Boston, where I spent most of my career in the first place!
And it all stems from me putting on a few extra pounds in the off-season. Seems a little ridiculous if you ask me. You can empathize with me big guy, what should I do? I mean no one hassles you about your strictly cookies and whole milk diet so why is it wrong if I do it?
I guess what I really need for Christmas is just some advice from a wise old veteran like yourself... and maybe NutriSystem.
Festively Plump,

ALEX RODRIGUEZ (3rd baseman, New York Yankees)
Dear Santa,
Chap stick and tanning lotion baby!!!
I love New York,
p.s. I wouldn't mind if you kicked Scott Boras in the nads.

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