1.) Drew Gooden will shave his trademark “duck-tail” hair patch and donate it to cover that random bald spot on Rasheed Wallace’s head.
2.) In order to solidify their reputation as the least exciting team in history the Spurs will change their team colors from black/silver to eggshell/taupe.
3.) With all female employees of Madison Square Garden now wary of going anywhere near Isiah Thomas, he will now be reduced to running his fingers through Renaldo Balkman’s dreadlocks.
4.) Warriors captain Stephen Jackson will be suspended for 10 games when he disputes a foul call by firing a handgun into the air.
5.) Leandro Barbosa of the Suns will fail to repeat as the “Sixth Man of the Year” but will easily sweep the voting for the coveted “Name that Sounds Most Like a Tyrannical Dictator” award.
6.) Bruce Bowen will again win “Defensive Player of the Year” by leading the league in tackles.
7.) In an attempt to regain the cheers he lost to teammate Daniel Gibson (whose nickname caused chants of ‘Boobie…Boobie’ during the Eastern Conference Finals), Lebron James will reveal that as a child his mother used to endearingly call him ‘Snatch.’
8.) The population at large will hate J.J. Redick, regardless of performance or playing time.
9.) Reggie Theus will win less games as coach of the Sacramento Kings than he did in his 3 seasons on the Saturday morning hit T-NBC sitcom Hang Time.
10.) Boston fans will be wicked psyched for the dawmination of Kevin Gahhhnett.