Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What they really said...

Once again, in spite of a week full of compelling stories in the sports world, we as the population at large have been left with dry coverage and less than memorable quotes. So, if you're as sick of the filter that has been arbitrarily put on your sports coverage as we are then read on. Here it is, another exclusive edition of Errant Balls' "What they really said."

Dr. Marc Philippon, surgeon who performed procedure on Alex Rodriguez: "Well, Yankee fans around the country will be happy to hear that Alex's timetable for a May return in right on schedule. The arthroscopic surgery on A-Rod's hip went exactly as planned, no surprises. Well... scratch that. I wouldn't say there were no surprises. Just none regarding the injury or procedure. I was however, a bit taken aback by the tattoo on his hip that read 'A-Rod + DJ 4ever' with a heart around it. Wasn't his wife's name Cynthia?... Oh well, all I know is it was very important to him that this procedure in no way damaged his ink. So whoever this DJ character is, they must be pretty darn close to Mr. Rodriguez's heart."

Terrell Owens, on signing a 1-year, $6.5 million deal with the Buffalo Bills: "I am absolutely excited for this opportunity to play with the Buffalo Bills. I felt like the situation in Dallas had gotten way too volatile and they decided to make me the fall guy, and that was a shame. But now I have a chance to start fresh here, where I truly want to be. (Voice beginning to crack) I mean, what better place for a fitness nut like myself to go than the health mecca that is Buffalo, NY? (Lip begins to quiver) Sure, I'll have to plow 3 feet of snow daily in order to do my driveway ab routine, but that's fine. (Single tear falls from his eye) At least I am joining the proud, winning tradition of the Bills franchise... (Breaks down, now sobbing wildly) DONOVANNN!!! Take me baaaa-haaaa-aaaack!!!"

Dominican Republic manager Felipe Alou, on being ousted from the WBC by the Netherlands: "The Dominican Republic is a country with a fine baseball tradition, so I cannot lie to you today and say that it wasn't tough to be dealt an early exit by a non-baseball country like the Netherlands. There's really no excuse for what has happened. I mean, I don't even know where the Netherlands is... wasn't that where Peter Pan took Wendy to get down? Hell, I'm almost 75 years old and I was about to insert myself to pinch hit for fear that I'd never be allowed back to my home country if we suffered a second loss at the hands of Rufio and the Lost Boys. But I guess when it really comes down to it, I have to give credit where credit is due. Those freaky-deaky Dutch bastards wiped the floor with us. "

Sterling Realty Services, brokerage that ran unsuccessful auction of Michael Vick's mansion: "Let's be honest here, we can't be all that surprised in a market like this one that we're having some difficulty unloading a $3.2 million mansion. And I'm sure Mr. Vick's current status as a convicted felon isn't exactly driving up consumer desire either. But it seems a little ridiculous that no one even reached $160k, which was required just to start the bidding. It's hard to understand how we could come up so very short, even in such a poor market. In retrospect though, it may not have been the best idea to leave Mr. Vick's big-screen TV on with its closed circuit connection to his underground war room where upwards of 500 dogs died... but it was on when we got there. And I guess we may have been well served removing all of the dog skin rugs around the house, but we had planned all along to sell it 'as is'... Oh well, hindsight is 20/20."

Charles Barkley, on his weekend spent in jail for a DUI: "It wasn't as ter-ible as I expected it to be, and it had to be done. I made a mistake, and like any normal person I had to pay the price. Of course, my price was much less than that of a normal person, because of my famousity and all, but let's just say I had to pay A price. And I'm okay with that. Overall, it was pretty relaxing. They let me rock my sweet sweatsuit, which is way more flattering than those striped pajama messes. You know I can't afford to be wearin' horizontal stripes, they didn't call me the 'Round Mound of Rebound' in my playing days for nothing. And for the most part, I just sat around and read. Since my stay was so short, I was able to avoid the washroom, which helped me avoid a new nickname like the 'Round Mound of Shower Pound,' and nobody wants that. Anyway, I think I really learned my lesson and I don't ever wanna go back there. Although I must say, if I ever do, I hope that next time I at least run into Madea and can snag an autograph."

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