Tuesday, August 12, 2008

THE FAV-RUH REPORT: Gun-slinger, world shaker, heartbreaker

It looks as though it is finally over. The off-season battle between everyone’s favorite quarterback and his former employers has finally come to an end. We think. Landing in New York via a trade for conditional draft picks, his arrival will allow Jets fans to repeatedly utter the question Matt Dillon so brilliantly immortalized; What the f*ck is Brett Favre doing here?!

Now don’t fool yourself into thinking this indicates a winding down of Favre coverage (after all, the Chinese calendar did prophetically deem 2008 the year of the charmingly rugged man-boy), because you will still be inundated with every last Favre factoid by every last media outlet in the greater Milky Way, but at least we know where he’ll be now. New York City… er, well… East Rutherford, New Jersey. And you’d better believe Favre’s move east has had quite the ripple effect on the football world.

Luckily, Errant Balls was able to book time with some of those most profoundly affected by his move, and we’re bringing the inside scoop straight to you. So enjoy the insights, intrigue and estimations of the year’s most thrilling saga…


Aaron RodgersQB, Green Bay Packers

Errant Balls: Aaron, this has been quite the tough situation for you. All of the back and forth. Will he? Won’t he? Constant media barrages on how it is affecting you. Sympathy hugs from celebrity hosts. And yet, you seem to be dealing with it quite well. How do you do it?

Aaron: Wel… w… (clears throat). I reall… (coughs). I… (reaches out for glass of water, hand shaking violently spilling it all the while, takes tiny sip) I really just try to control what I can be in control of. I’m a football player, so that’s what I do, I player football. I’m not a controller, so I can’t just control everything. I just try not to obsess too much over things that are out of my control (Clump of hair falls out, casually slouches down to retrieve it and rests it back atop his head). It really hasn’t been as big of a deal as everyone has made it out to be (throws up in corner).

Chad PenningtonQB, Miami Dolphins

Errant Balls: Chad, you saw your time in New York come to an end thanks to Brett Favre. How does that make you feel?

Chad: I don’t know man. I mean, Brett’s one of the greatest of all time. I just don’t know if (making air quotes gesture with hands) “better than below average arm strength” is really as essential as the Jets are making it out to be.

Errant Balls: How do you mean?

Chad: Well I mean just who is it that decided you need to be able to “curl 20 pounds” in order to be a “real pro quarterback”? Sure, I can’t “grow a beard” yet. And yes, when I throw a baseball at the carnival radar game it “doesn’t register.” And maybe my shoulder might “turn to dust” on any given pitch to the running back. But what does that all mean, really? Does that really make Brett any better than me? I mean… “really?”

Eli ManningQB, New York Giants

Errant Balls: Eli, you and the Giants are coming into this season as the defending Super Bowl champs. And yet, in the preseason you have taken second banana in the media thanks to Brett Favre’s arrival in New York. What do you think of sharing the spotlight with another big time quarterback?

Eli: Well let me just say this, I do not mind taking the second banana to Mr. Faver. He is a future hall of famer, so as I go that means he gets dibs on the first banana if he wants it. I can wait my turn. Plus he is like so cool, have you seen those Wrangler commercials? He’s like a real life cowboy. I heard he even slings guns. I wanted to get a BB gun, but Dad said that was no way to spend my Wedding money. Maybe next year… Anyway, I can’t wait to spend time with Mr. Faver in New York. I’m hoping he can give me some sweet beard tips. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve let my scruff grow in a little myself. I’m even thinking of wearing a cowboy hat instead of a helmet this year. But that’s only if Mr. Faver thinks I can pull it off.

John MaddenFormer coach, current commentator/Lover of all things Favre

Errant Balls: Mr. Madden, not only are you a staple of the game of professional football, you are a true fan. Your love for the game and its history is so evident in everything you do. Some might say that over the years, you have expressed more admiration and adoration for one player over any other; that being the incomparable Brett Favre. What will it be like to have Favre suit up in a different uniform this year?

Madden: You know, I’ve been asked that quite a bit so far. But it’s like, (makes trademark, inaudible random Madden noises) brau-huhh, it’s just another year right?! I mean, I like Brett and all, but uh… hauh-hahhh, I’ve got other stuff goin’ on too you know?! BOOM!

Errant Balls: So you haven’t thought too much about seeing Favre in a non-Packer jersey this year?

Madden: Come on! I’ve got too much going on to focus on every little thing the greatest quarterback to ever lace them up does (sniffles). I mean… hauugh, I’ve got endorsements comin’ out the wazoo! How are your feet? Itchy? I can get you free Tinactin… BOOM! Plus I’ve got my video game comin’ out.

Errant Balls: Ah yes, that’s true. And who is on the cover of your game this year again?

Madden: (Begins wailing uncontrollably) BRRRRETTTTTTTT!!! (Rips his shirt off, revealing a green and yellow “Brett Forever” tattoo across his heaving, liver-spotted, old-man breasts) YOU’RE A PAAAAACKERRRRR BRETTTTT! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???!!!! (Begins rubbing a wedge of Wisconsin sharp cheddar all over his bare body, all the while sobbing hysterically) THE JETTTTS?!! I DON’T WANT TO LIIII-HI-HI-HIVVVVE!!! (Snot drips from nose as he crumples in a heap on the floor) BOO-HOOO-HOO-OOOM!!!

Errant Balls: (Slinks slowly out of the room).

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