Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Solving some Major League problems

With Memorial Day marking the proverbial end of the first third of the 2008 baseball season, I think it’s time to solve some of the problems we have seen in the Majors so far this year.

Amidst swirling rumors of his dismissal, embattled New York Mets manager Willie Randolph is questioning whether racism is playing a role. Randolph made comments in an interview with the Bergen Record suggesting that race may be fueling the animosity and also took issue with the Mets local TV station’s portrayal of him.
Solution: A good first step would be for SNY network to eliminate it’s popular, but slightly disconcerting, post-game “Willie’s DYNO-MITE hits of the game” segment.

At 31-21 the youthful Tampa Bay Rays are the surprise of the year with their lead in the always tough American League East. However, even despite their sudden success the Rays still can’t seem to draw a crowd, pulling in only 12,143 fans on Memorial Day.
Solution: Have a promotional “Swim with the Rays” fan day. And no I don’t mean let fans swim in the centerfield Rays tank. This Tampa Bay Squad is loaded with wealthy, virile young men. This promotion could double their female intake and even add a few valuable new male fans.

After last year’s refreshing success, the Cleveland Indians seem to be falling a bit short of their potential. In spite of having a solid 1-9 lineup, the Indians are tied for dead last in the league in team batting average at .233.
Solution: Invite Dennis Haysbert into the locker room for a motivational live chicken sacrifice.

When they signed outfielder Andruw Jones to an extremely generous off-season contract, the Dodgers hoped he might be the added production necessary for them to make a push in the National League. Now, only two months in, Jones is on the DL for 4-6 weeks after a knee operation.
Solution: Replace him in the lineup with a different batboy each night of the week. By platooning several of them, the Dodgers should be able to fill the gaping hole left by the absence of Jones’ stellar .165 batting average.

Late in May, the always dominant New York Yankees find themselves in unfamiliar territory at the bottom of the AL East. Among other struggles, the powerful Yankee lineup has struggled mightily batting with runners in scoring position.
Solution: Follow the Hank Steinbrenner mentality and transition Joba Chamberlain into the role of DH as well. Anyone who wouldn’t give this kid a shot at the dish is an idiot!

In a remarkably continuing comeback story, former drug addict Josh Hamilton is following his breakout season last year by cementing himself among the league leaders in home runs, RBI’s and batting average. However, due to his unseemly past Hamilton has become the victim of some vicious ridicule from opposing fans.
Solution: Rather than expelling these hecklers from the game, have a security guard take down their seat number and name. Then, during the 7th inning stretch have the PA announcer come over the loudspeaker and personally remind them of the fact that the “freaking crack head” they keep referring to is out earning them by several hundreds of thousands of dollars per year.

After a recent string of inexcusably missed calls, many fans and media outlets are calling for the implementation of instant replay in baseball. Thanks to 5 home runs that were taken away due to miscues within one week, it is hard to think of another viable option.
Solution: Outfit foul poles and all surfaces beyond the fence that may knock a ball back into play with those exploding dye-packs banks use to protect their money. Sure, a few fans may leave the game looking a bit more like a member of the Blue Man Group than when they arrived, but at least the game will be called correctly.

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