Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Looking into the NBA future

With the NBA All-Star weekend at hand it can mean only one thing… the second half of the NBA season will follow immediately after. Of course, there’s no real way to predict what will happen over the remainder of the season. Well, not unless you’re a blogger who takes no issue with making heinous predictions based loosely on fact and mostly on idiocy. And thanks to the World Wide Web’s wonderful gift of freedom and unregulated power to non-credentialed writers with a juvenile sense of humor, here they are… my predictions for the second half of the NBA season.

- In an effort to reinforce his status as the alpha male in LA, Kobe Bryant will continually refer to new teammate Pau Gasol as Paul, even though he knows full well that what his name is. Oh Kobe, you evil genius.

- In hopes of getting his all-star point guard and brand new center in sync with one another as soon as possible, Suns coach Mike D’Antoni will order that Steve Nash room in Shaquille O’Neal’s pocket on all road trips.

- Greg Popovich will ask that Tony Parker’s marriage to Eva Longoria be vetoed, stating there should be a committee that can veto marriages that make no logical sense.

- New Jersey Nets coach Lawrence Frank will hold his breath and stomp his feet until the Nets brass stops offering all of his talent as trade bait.

- At year’s end, Orlando Magic forward Hedo Turkoglu will come away with the Most Improved Player of the Year award. He will credit the accomplishment largely to new coach Stan VanGundy allowing him to play without the paper bag over his head.

- Once the Knicks are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, forward Renaldo Balkman will take a leave of absence from the team in order to star in his first feature film; Juwanna Mann 2: Back to the Rack.

- In an attempt to stabilize their talented but floundering team, the Bulls will bring in Larry Brown at the head coach position. After a 3 game winning streak, Brown will abruptly depart in order to tackle his next rebuilding project.

- Toronto Raptors rookie forward Jamario Moon will release and R&B album… because well, he has no choice. His name is Jamario Moon.

- Larry Hughes will complain vehemently when the Cavs fail to trade for Jason Kidd, citing that he “can’t keep carrying this team himself.”

- After winning the All-Star Weekend dunk competition, Memphis Grizzlies forward Rudy Gay will receive an immediate contract extension and new shoe from Nike. The company’s stock will plummet soon thereafter, thanks to their inability to foresee the unwillingness of adolescent males to purchase the Air Gay Uptempo’s.

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