Wednesday, March 26, 2008

2008 MLB Preview

The 2008 Major League Baseball season is finally here. Here is a preview of what to expect from all 30 of your favorite MLB teams, click the links for some extra goodies.

New York Yankees
In his first year at the helm of the Bronx Bombers front office, expect Hank Steinbrenner to dominate the headlines:
Hank on Red Sox Nation: “What a bunch of sh*t that is.”
Hank on Global Warming: “People bitching about better baseball weather? What a bunch of sh*t that is.”
Hank on Toys-for-Tots Charity Drives: “Handouts are for pussies, earn your keep. What a bunch of sh*t that is.”

Boston Red Sox
Solid pitching and a potent offensive lineup combine for what should be another stellah yea for the sawks. Expect Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz to once again be among the league leaders in RBI’s, and expect Dice-K Matsuzaka to once again lead the league in gay coats.

Baltimore Orioles
The potential of the Orioles could very well rest on their oft-injured stars Jay Gibbons and Brian Roberts. If only there was some kind of substance they could take in order to speed up the healing process…

Toronto Blue Jays
Their solid pitching staff that includes perennial Cy Young candidate Roy Halladay, A.J. Burnett, and B.J. Ryan will assure our Canadian fan counterparts of another team that will hold serve on their reign of dominance as the mediocre middle of the division.

Tampa Bay Rays

By removing the “Devil” part of their team nickname, the Rays are hoping people won’t realize they’re the same team. But keep that on the down low, that’s how they managed to sign Troy Percival.

Chicago White Sox
Harkening back to the shameful days of the “Black Sox” scandal, the White Sox players will begin throwing games in order to lose. This time, however, it will not be motivated by money, but by Ozzie Guillen’s promise that he will run naked up Michigan Avenue if the White Sox win the World Series.

Cleveland Indians
In the event that they may need the extra advantage for a late season playoff push, the Indians began cultivating their midge crop a month earlier this year.

Detroit Tigers
The Tigers are looking quite dangerous with the off-season addition of the super-talented youngster Miguel Cabrera, although it did shake up the team a bit when the addition forced them to move Brandon Inge from third base to designated 10 year-old.

Kansas City Royals
The return of their throwback powder blue Uni’s for a few games this year should be fun for the fans. This emasculating apparel almost guarantees some overcompensating outbursts of George Brett proportions.

Minnesota Twins
After saying goodbye to Johan Santana and Torii Hunter this offseason, the Twins front office is confident they will be able to pay for their new stadium by bottling the misery filled tears of the Minnesota faithful and selling it as an industrial solvent.

Seattle Mariners
Adding former Orioles Ace Erik Bedard should give the M’s a nice 1-2 punch in their starting rotation, provided that their ever-growing phenom “King Felix” Hernandez doesn’t continue to rule the buffet with an iron fist.

Los Angeles Angels
Angels coaches are hoping the addition of the consistent bat of Torii Hunter will have a positive effect on the indiscriminant bat of Vlad Guerrero. With Hunter in front of him Guerrero should no longer feel the need to swing at everything including pitches in the dirt and passing birds.

Texas Rangers
In order to reduce the possibility of on-field incidents and curb government spending, Texas governor Rick Perry has granted Milton Bradley the job of personally executing death row inmates using the methods of his choosing; whether he will use buckets of baseballs, blind rage, or otherwise remains to be seen.

Oakland Athletics

The loss of Nick Swisher this off-season could prove detrimental. In watching him go the A’s lost a solid bat, a ton of hustle in the outfield, and one hell of a gorgeous head of hair.

New York Mets

Now with Johan Santana anchoring their rotation, the Mets are confident they will be showering Willie Randolph in champagne this season… rather than being forced once again to douse him in scalding hot water after a massive collapse.

Washington Nationals
When eventually asked why the Nationals are so terrible Paul Lo Duca will continue to use the “Come on bro” defense he used after the Mitchell Report.

Philadelphia Phillies
The American media will prove to be retarded after a widely exposed prank changes Brett Myers image from wife beater to clubhouse funny man. Oh wait… that already happened…. And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m freeeee…

Florida Marlins
On the downside the Marlins have once again managed to trade away their best talent. But on the upside they did secure quite a bit of young potential in return… which they will likely trade in a few years once it becomes legitimate talent.

Atlanta Braves
If you add their ages together, pitchers John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, and manager Bobby Cox are older than the game of baseball itself. There’s no joke here. The Braves have a lot of old guys.

Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers’ players have shown up full of promise and team spirit this spring; newly acquired Eric Gagne is sporting beer goggles and Prince Fielder is still boasting his trademark beer gut. Go Brew Crew!

Chicago Cubs
After going 100 years without winning a World Series you’d think the new owners of the Cubbies would be concerned with pleasing the fans, but almost immediately after buying they announced a willingness to sell the naming rights to the beloved Wrigley Field. Why not go the full nine yards and just name it after your new Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome? Because wouldn’t it be a fitting gesture of what you’re saying to the fans if you just went ahead and called it the Fuk-u-dome?

Cincinnati Reds
With a revamped pitching staff and loads of young talent, the Reds should succeed if they can stay healthy. Then again, if Ken Griffey stays healthy for an entire season don’t we all have the apocalypse to worry about? It’s in the book of revelations, look it up.

Houston Astros
The Astros expectations for newly acquired closer Jose Valverde are extremely high. After leading the NL in saves in ’07, the ‘Stros are hopeful Valverde can give them a few good years before his psyche is inevitably shattered by a crushing Albert Pujols post-season bomb.

Pittsburgh Pirates
Some of the lofty goals of the ’08 Pirates include ending their 15 consecutive losing seasons streak, improving game attendance to WNBA-like numbers, and convincing fans they are in fact in the National League, not the Grapefruit League.

St. Louis Cardinals
Will manager Tony LaRussa continue his trend of seemingly endless and irrational pitching changes in ’08? Well, ask yourself what you think of LaRussa’s decision making process overall… and there’s your answer.

Los Angeles Dodgers
Dodger fans, how excited are you really about the acquisition of Andruw Jones? 2 years, $36.2 mil… .222 batting average in 2007……… I’ll take your eerie silence as denial.

San Diego Padres
After falling just a few good innings short of the postseason in ’07, the Pads are hoping new addition Mark Prior can give them those few solid innings before his arm predictably falls off and disappears in a cloud of dust.

San Francisco Giants
Can talented pitching compensate for the loss of offensive production on the post-Barry Giants? With their lineup anchored by Randy Winn… unlikely. That is unless those talented pitchers start doing a little shopping at a certain quaint little Bay Area Laboratory I’ve heard so much about.

Colorado Rockies
Matt Holliday looks poised to keep his stalwart offensive numbers from ’07 on the rise, and looks poised to keep his skin delightfully moisturized by sleeping in the giant Coors Field baseball humidor.

Arizona Diamondbacks
Outfielder Eric Byrnes is super-stoked about the potential of the ’08 Diamondbacks. Then again, Eric Byrnes is also super-stoked about Tuesdays, nachos, pennies, and the possibility of one day colonizing the moon.


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