Ten Bold Predictions for the 2010 MLB Season

After a lengthy hiatus that included a bit of experimenting with hallucinogenics and a trip to Tibet to really "find themselves," your Errant Balls are making their triumphant return stateside just in time for the start of 2010 baseball. And, in keeping with the proud and rich tradition of this haphazardly put together, grammatically reckless and brazenly fruitless blog, we're here to bring you our annual edition of bold predictions for Major League Baseball!

- Slugger Alex Rodriguez will once again have a statistically magical season and playoff run fueled by a golden-haired muse. This year... Macaulay Culkin.

- Prince Fielder will establish himself as the Chad Ochocinco of MLB, one-upping his controversial 2009 home run celebration by slugging a beer whilst smoking a cigarette as he rounds the bases.

-Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington will earn himself a five game suspension for trying to snort

the chalk foul line on his way to an early season mound visit.

- Off-season acquisition Melky Cabrera will lighten the overall mood of the Atlanta Braves, showing teammates how to pass time in the dugout by cheering jubilantly and chewing paper cups.

- Often fickle Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez will continue his annual tradition of demanding a mid-season trade, this time pointing to his preferred destinations as the San Francisco Quakes from the 1991 NES hit Roger Clemens' MVP baseball or the Bad News Bears.

- Tigers 3rd baseman Brandon Inge will land himself an additional $5M thanks to a contract incentive that nets him $100 each time someone refers to him as "scrappy."

- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will be contracted by the U.S. government to serve up a tirade so unimaginably profane it will kickstart the nation's ailing economy.

- An investigation will be launched into possible steroid use by Phillies All Star 2nd baseman Chase Utley based on suspicions that the feds will refer to simply as "a mean case of Giambi hair."

- The impending senility of Yankee owner George Steinbrenner will rear its ugly head when in a rare public press conference he refers to new Yankee outfielder Curtis Granderson as "black Derek Jeter."

- At some point, following some inexcusable fielding error somewhere, some guilty player will react by staring at his glove in complete bewilderment as if searching for some kind of obvious structural flaw in the webbing.

What they really said...

Once again, in spite of a week full of compelling stories in the sports world, we as the population at large have been left with dry coverage and less than memorable quotes. So, if you're as sick of the filter that has been arbitrarily put on your sports coverage as we are then read on. Here it is, another exclusive edition of Errant Balls' "What they really said."

Dr. Marc Philippon, surgeon who performed procedure on Alex Rodriguez: "Well, Yankee fans around the country will be happy to hear that Alex's timetable for a May return in right on schedule. The arthroscopic surgery on A-Rod's hip went exactly as planned, no surprises. Well... scratch that. I wouldn't say there were no surprises. Just none regarding the injury or procedure. I was however, a bit taken aback by the tattoo on his hip that read 'A-Rod + DJ 4ever' with a heart around it. Wasn't his wife's name Cynthia?... Oh well, all I know is it was very important to him that this procedure in no way damaged his ink. So whoever this DJ character is, they must be pretty darn close to Mr. Rodriguez's heart."

Terrell Owens, on signing a 1-year, $6.5 million deal with the Buffalo Bills: "I am absolutely excited for this opportunity to play with the Buffalo Bills. I felt like the situation in Dallas had gotten way too volatile and they decided to make me the fall guy, and that was a shame. But now I have a chance to start fresh here, where I truly want to be. (Voice beginning to crack) I mean, what better place for a fitness nut like myself to go than the health mecca that is Buffalo, NY? (Lip begins to quiver) Sure, I'll have to plow 3 feet of snow daily in order to do my driveway ab routine, but that's fine. (Single tear falls from his eye) At least I am joining the proud, winning tradition of the Bills franchise... (Breaks down, now sobbing wildly) DONOVANNN!!! Take me baaaa-haaaa-aaaack!!!"

Dominican Republic manager Felipe Alou, on being ousted from the WBC by the Netherlands: "The Dominican Republic is a country with a fine baseball tradition, so I cannot lie to you today and say that it wasn't tough to be dealt an early exit by a non-baseball country like the Netherlands. There's really no excuse for what has happened. I mean, I don't even know where the Netherlands is... wasn't that where Peter Pan took Wendy to get down? Hell, I'm almost 75 years old and I was about to insert myself to pinch hit for fear that I'd never be allowed back to my home country if we suffered a second loss at the hands of Rufio and the Lost Boys. But I guess when it really comes down to it, I have to give credit where credit is due. Those freaky-deaky Dutch bastards wiped the floor with us. "

Sterling Realty Services, brokerage that ran unsuccessful auction of Michael Vick's mansion: "Let's be honest here, we can't be all that surprised in a market like this one that we're having some difficulty unloading a $3.2 million mansion. And I'm sure Mr. Vick's current status as a convicted felon isn't exactly driving up consumer desire either. But it seems a little ridiculous that no one even reached $160k, which was required just to start the bidding. It's hard to understand how we could come up so very short, even in such a poor market. In retrospect though, it may not have been the best idea to leave Mr. Vick's big-screen TV on with its closed circuit connection to his underground war room where upwards of 500 dogs died... but it was on when we got there. And I guess we may have been well served removing all of the dog skin rugs around the house, but we had planned all along to sell it 'as is'... Oh well, hindsight is 20/20."

Charles Barkley, on his weekend spent in jail for a DUI: "It wasn't as ter-ible as I expected it to be, and it had to be done. I made a mistake, and like any normal person I had to pay the price. Of course, my price was much less than that of a normal person, because of my famousity and all, but let's just say I had to pay A price. And I'm okay with that. Overall, it was pretty relaxing. They let me rock my sweet sweatsuit, which is way more flattering than those striped pajama messes. You know I can't afford to be wearin' horizontal stripes, they didn't call me the 'Round Mound of Rebound' in my playing days for nothing. And for the most part, I just sat around and read. Since my stay was so short, I was able to avoid the washroom, which helped me avoid a new nickname like the 'Round Mound of Shower Pound,' and nobody wants that. Anyway, I think I really learned my lesson and I don't ever wanna go back there. Although I must say, if I ever do, I hope that next time I at least run into Madea and can snag an autograph."

The week in pictures

It's back, every lazy reader's favorite kind of post. No thinking. No deciphering clever jokes. Just straightforward, could be easily understood by that 4 year old Chinese girl on the Microsoft commercial, pretty pictures with captions.
Enjoy!

"There's a deadly meteor on a collision course with the All-Star game?! I'll save you sweet Dwyane!"

"Yes, to answer your question... this is usually the face I made when the needle was stuck into my butt."

"Ooh a camera. Quick, you do your Schwarzenegger face and I'll do my best Bill Cosby!"

"Yeeeah Kobe, enjoy that whiff of my pre-game White Castle."

"I was a 5'7" white guy when I got into that phone booth!"

"This move brought to you courtesy of Mr. Rowdy Roddy Piper!"

An escaped mental patient gives actress Eva Longoria a scare at the All-Star festivities.

"Psst, I didn't look like this much of a douche at my press conference last year did I?"

"Purple horseshoes, red balloons, pink hearts, green athletic apparel... all part of a balanced breakfast!"

"Hold him down, hold him down! SHOE WEDGIIIIIE!!!"

"I really wish you wouldn't do this in public."
"Shhhhh, don't speak baby... just let it happen."

And every last Who in Who-ville was given a free screening for prostate cancer...

"Me pot of gold!"

Featured in next month's issue of Highlights for Kids: Can you guess which one is an NBA center?

"Steroids? He told me this was his 'coming out' party!"

"Hands up! Baby hands up! Gimme your heart, gimme gimme your heart, gimme gimme all your looove!"

An affair to forget

For those of you who haven't turned on the television, radio or computer since last Saturday, we'd like to be the first to break the shocking news that star baseball player Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking steroids. Yes, in an emotional interview on ESPN, a regretful and eerily orange A-Rod came clean about his positive drug test in 2004. Rodriguez's admission has shaken the already fragile baseball world to it's core, and left many wondering where to go from here. There are Hall of Fame voters suggesting that anyone who has ever been under suspicion for performance enhancers should never be voted into the hall. And with 103 names yet to be released along with A-Rod's, that leaves us with the chance that many of the most dominant players from the aptly named "steroid era" may essentially not exist according to baseball history.
This possibility got us thinking here at Errant Balls, about the fact that a shameful era is almost an inevitability in modern sports. With the amount of money and fame out there for the taking, eventually someone is going to go to extraordinary and possibly unethical lengths to be a part of this world. And thanks to this, we're likely to run into a forgettable time for most every sport at some point.
So just to prepare you, we will now take a look into the future, at some of the eventual eras of shame for the sports world at large...

NBA- The Flubber Epidemic
In 2012, the successful creation of flubber in a Cleveland teenager's basement will set off a sudden influx of white males under 6 feet into the NBA. The underground distribution of the materials between he and his circle of buddies will allow them to land tryouts with pro squads and find their way into the league.
While baffled scholars and sports minds alike scramble to figure out the cause of these seemingly miraculous talents, players like Rory McMillin and Jimmy Levinstein will replace LeBron James and Kobe Bryant as the faces of the league.

NFL- The "I guess we should acknowledge the steroid era," era
In 2039, a weak kneed, tiny testicled, back acne'd, 54 year old Shawne Merriman will be the spokesman for a shrunken sacked army of former players to come out in protest against the NFL's lax steroid policies.
Though Merriman had been punished for banned substances while in the league, he will point out that overall use ran rampant, and that the NFL turned a blind eye and allowed it to continue. By enabling them to habitually use substances that hadn't been tested over long periods of time, the retirees blame the NFL for the tragic and debilitating side affects like Ray Lewis' hairless tail, Joey Porter's ever expanding plethora of nipples, Kellen Winslow's forehead ear, and Terrell Owen's leaky tear ducts (although that last one may not be completely attributed to steroids).

MLB- The NyQuil Project
In an effort to cure the league of the steroid issue permanently, commissioner Bud Selig will suggest a radical method of leveling the playing field for the 2009 season.
After releasing the other 103 names from the positive steroid tests in '04, Selig will invoke "The NyQuil Rule." Stating simply that, if you are one of the players named on the list, you must participate in every single game of the '09 season, and must take twice the recommended dose of NyQuil 5 minutes prior to taking the field.
The initial intrigue will cause a spike in television ratings, but the subsequent string of horrific injuries and nationally broadcast blood loss will eventually lead to Selig's Nixon-like, forced resignation.

NHL- Don't forget to remember us!
Seeing as how everyone has already forgotten about the them, Gary Bettman and the brain trust that have run the league into the ground will make one last ditch effort to revive the floundering NHL in 2015.
Now relegated to the Bravo Channel, NHL games will feature an assortment of fancy gimmicks to keep the fans entertained:
- The return of the always popular and completely necessary glowing puck
- Each team is allowed 7 skaters on the ice at a time, one wielding a concealed blade
- Goalies can no longer wear cups, and a shot to the beans is worth 2 goals
- Player fights will be banned, but if at any point two players disagree, their respective coaches must come onto the ice and bare-knuckle box one another
The attempts to save the league will fail miserably, and the final Stanley Cup ceremony will feature the live, mid-ice sacrifice of Gary Bettman, followed by the ceremonial drinking of his blood from the cup.

What they really said...

Too many times in sports, we as the fans get a raw deal on what we're told. We get to hear what the players and coaches have to say, but in a censored version. What they say on TV or in an article isn't necessarily what they really say behind closed doors.
Lucky for you though, Errant Balls was able to obtain an all-access pass to last week's biggest events and happenings in sports (because that's the kind of thing you can obtain fairly easily in fake journalism). We got to conduct private interviews and attend private tapings under the guise that they wouldn't be shared with the public. But thanks to our complete lack of any standing credibility, we can share them with you anyway! So for your reading enjoyment, here is another installment of "What they really said."

A-Rod isn't even bothered by the whole A-Fraud mess
"Look, I'm sure Joe Torre had his reasons for saying what he said. Maybe it was money, maybe it was attention, maybe it's his irrepressible jealousy that I have killer pecs and he's sporting saggy, sandbag man-boobies. Who knows? The bottom line is I know my teammates, and I know the relationships I have with them. Whatever they call me I don't care, it's all in good fun. They can call me A-Rod, or A-Fraud, or A-close personal friend of Derek Jeter's. It really doesn't matter to me... although I am somewhat partial to that last one if you want to use it."

Michael Phelps on his infamous bong photo
"I regrettably admit the person in that photo was, in fact, me. I have let down my family, friends, and fans around the world by acting in a youthful and inappropriate manner. When it comes down to it I guess it all goes back to who I surround myself with. I mean, being that I am a swimmer, I've had some bad influences over my shoulder for quite sometime now. Every time I go to the pool he's all 'Don't forget to bring me.' And every time I get out of the pool all wet he's like 'Don't forget to use me.' And every time five minutes passes he's all like 'You wanna get high?'. So learn from me young swimmers, beware of this shady character (File Photo here). Don't get caught up like I did. Dope is for dopes!"

Roger Clemens on the publicizing of his hot ball liniment and tainted syringes
"Who among you can say you have never had blazing hot liniment rubbed on your testicles by another man? And which of you can step down off your pedestal and admit he has received mystery injections in his buttocks. So I will ask this of the good people of the jury at my inevitable perjury trial: 'Could not a DNA sample have been unknowingly obtained from my ass cheek, whilst I was distracted by the unimaginable, scorching pain in my ball bag?'... I rest my case."

Barry Bonds on his pee testing positive for steroids
"They still have my piss test from 2003?! Ewwwwwww. Where the hell have they been keeping these things? Is there some kind of secret government pee silo that stores all of the athlete's tests from the last ten years or something? Because if so, I may just have to indict you U.S. government, on charges of being gross and creepy in the 1st degree."

Santonio Holmes on being the Super Bowl MVP
"It really means the world to me. How it feels to know that a kid like me who grew up selling drugs on the streets could change his life so drastically and make the winning catch in an amazing Super Bowl is indescribable. And what am I gonna do now? Well I know I said it on the commercial but I'm sure as hell not going to Disney World. And you know what else I'm not going to do? I'm not gonna parlay my Super Bowl hero status into a self-inflicted gun wound and public humiliation next season. None of that. I'm just gonna head home, dial up my boys Towelie and Phelps and party it up with my very own 'chronic end zone' grass!"

The missing 2 minutes of the "Joe Torre on Larry King Live" transcript
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.
Joe: Great to be here Larry.
Larry: Huh?
Joe: I said great to be here.
Larry: No, I didn't forget to take my pills!
Joe: What?
Larry: You heard it here first folks, Joe Torre is an admitted Anti-Semite!
(Bottom of the screen reads: Torre: "I can't stand Jews.")
Joe (confused): What the hell is this?!
Larry: So what put this hate in your heart Joe? What exactly did the Jews ever do to you?
Joe (to producer): What is going on here?! Is he okay?
(Producer runs on set, tilts Larry's head back and shoves a handful of pills down his throat)
(Long pause)
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.
Joe: ..........

Inauguration Balls

Yesterday marked one of the most historic days in our great country's short existence, as Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. Obama represents great change not only in that he is the first African American elected to office, but that he preaches change as the solution to getting ourselves back on track as a nation. All this talk of history and change got us thinking, because this year is slated to be quite a historical year in sports as well. So here is a rundown of some of the reasons 2009 will go down in sports history as the year of great change.

- As the New York Yankees move across the street to their new stadium, 2009 will be the first season in 85 years that the Bombers don't call "The House that Ruth built" their home. The inaugural season of the new Yankee Stadium will mark the beginning of a new era in "The House that questionable public funding and the Hard Rock Cafe built."

- The Globalization of the NBA continues, as Portland Trail Blazers rookie Rudy Fernandez becomes the first Spanish player to take part in the Dunk Contest. However, the first timer will lose out to another historic precedent, when Dwight Howard raises the hoop to 12 feet, puts on a Batman cape, and dunks Nate Robinson to take home his second trophy in as many years.

- The Detroit Lions will post an unheralded turnaround when they follow up their 0-16 season with a 16-0 run under the poised leadership of Matt Cassell. While back in New England, Tom Brady will be divorced, 50 lbs. overweight, and forced out of town by year's end.

- Thanks to their new home, Mets fans will finally go into a season with the correct, but altogether devastating expectations, as walking into a stadium named after Citibank will teach the Flushing faithful to accept the impending and unavoidable doom that lay ahead.

-In an effort to clear cap space for the 2010 free agent class and also secure the team a high draft pick, New York Knicks president Donnie Walsh makes an unprecedented move, cutting the post All-Star roster to only one player. The plan will backfire as David Lee's constant hustle and scrappy play leads the Knicks to the playoffs.

- The arrogance of winning a World Series will turn Phillies' fans more vigilant and ruthless than ever before, as they will ritually sacrifice kittens following each 2009 loss... and win.

- Imaginationland will cease to exist as the 2009 Boston Celtics fail to repeat as NBA Champions, causing little Kevin Garnett to stop believing that ANYTHING IS POSSSSIBBBBBBBLE!!!!

- The Arizona Cardinals have already made history by earning their first ever trip to the Super Bowl in 2009, and if they win?... Well let's just say we won't have to worry much about 2010, Scott Boras and the cockroaches will be the only ones left to deal with that hot mess.

Major League drama ahead

The dog days of summer are approaching. The sports world is slowing to what tends to be a quite tedious mid-summer pace. With basketball over, and football not yet begun it's tough to find much excitement while surfing the internet on your company's time. Luckily though, Major League baseball has offered up some intriguing plots that could make these next couple of months just a little more interesting...

Extramarital-Rod

Yes, it’s on Sportscenter every day so I say it’s okay to run with it. Joining what I can only assume is now 70% of the population that ends up divorced, Alex Rodriguez and wife Cynthia (cleverly dubbed C-Rod by the mass media geniuses who spawned the unstoppable plague that is the “first initial-first syllable of last name” nickname trend) are officially ending their marriage. As much as it is difficult to say that this is a sports story at all, there is no denying its hilarity.

Of course, few are surprised at the thought that an athlete and his significant other are splitting due to his genitals playing too many away games, but the details here offer so much more than your run of the mill public divorce. Madonna and Lenny Kravitz are breaking up Alex Rodriguez’s marriage. Take a moment to read over that last sentence one more time. Is this for real or is it a story someone cooked up while getting hammered and doing MadLibs?

How can this possibly get any more random? Simple… it can’t. However, as more details surface it is likely going to get weirder and funnier. So strap in sports fans, because whether you like it or not you had better at least be ready for the ensuing circus. And never mind legit sports talk, because now you’ll have to endure heinous PTI topics like “Kabala-Rod,” “C-Rod and L-Krav,” and “Happy Trails Alex Rodriguez’s money.” Enjoy.

CC to the Brew Crew

On Monday the Milwaukee Brewers made the first big mid-season move in acquiring pitcher CC Sabathia from the Cleveland Indians. Cleveland, feeling they have fallen too far back in the standings decided early July was as good a time as any to wave the white flag and give away a Cy Young winner (what happened to those scrappy, never say die Indians of the 80’s?). And to their credit, the Brew Crew jumped at the opportunity.

The best part about this trade however, is the explanation. Essentially the move was clarified as such: After this season they are undoubtedly losing their best pitcher, Ben Sheets, to free agency. They will also likely consider bolstering their farm system by trading their best young hitter, Prince Fielder. However, as an organization they feel they owe it to the Milwaukee faithful, who have endured 20 some-odd years without a trip to the playoffs, to take one legitimate shot before everything goes crap salad again. So they acquired Mr. Sabathia who, by the way, will also be a free agent at season’s end.

It’s time like these that I wish I actually knew a Brewers fan, just so I could hear the explanation of just how bittersweet this is. You’re hedging the most hope you’ve had in over two decades on a move that has brought an inconsistent and overweight young pitcher to the beer and cheese capitol of our nation. And so what if it doesn’t work out? You’ll have another shot in 25 years or so. I wish you the best of luck.

Remind you of a Prior Cubbie?

Speaking of taking a chance, the Cubs were not to be outdone by their divisional foes in Milwaukee. Having not won a World Series in 100 years, and only being able to explain their perpetual failures as a curse instilled upon them by a farm animal, Chicago knows the importance of taking the shot while the shot is still there. So despite owning the National League’s best record at the halfway point, the Cubbies decided a little more help couldn’t hurt… but can it?

On Tuesday the Cubs acquired pitcher Rich Harden in a 6-player deal with the Oakland Athletics. Harden has widely been considered one of the league’s best young arms (when healthy), so you can’t blame the Cubs for faulty logic in adding another hurler to an arsenal that already includes the dominant Carlos Zambrano. Then again, if you’re a Cubs fan who has no problem believing in a goat-curse, might you be a bit superstitious that adding another injury-prone pitcher to your storied history might be the move that leads to this year’s downturn?

I am not arguing that this trade will actually make the Cubs worse, because any fan would absolutely love to have a healthy Rich Harden as a member of their team’s rotation. However, the Cubbies faithful are not your average fans. So I ask you this Chicago: With such a fragile past that seemingly needs only the tiniest stroke of bad luck to dash the collective hopes of a city and a century, how comfortable are you with investing hope in such a Mark Prior-esque pitcher? Keep your fingers crossed.

Baseball in the Big Crab Apple

This season has been a trying one thus far for Gotham’s baseball faithful. With the Mets and Yankees both floundering around the .500 mark the idea of a postseason sans New York has become a very real possibility. And the events of this past week, for the teams on both sides of town, have certainly left a sour taste in the mouths of those taking a bite out of Big Apple baseball.

The Mets Freed Willie

In the culmination of what started with last season’s epic late September collapse, the Mets have finally fired manager Willie Randolph. But was Willie really the problem? With any managerial firing this is a legitimate and often asked question, but the way the Mets handled this suggest their problems may go much deeper than the man running things from the bench.

In theory these Mets were supposed to win somewhere between 90-95 games. At least that’s what the experts said when you see them on paper. But what paper is this exactly? And do you have to be throwing back shots of Wild Turkey while munching shrooms to see these 90 wins? Sure they acquired Johan Santana, and yes David Wright is one of the best young players in the game, but take a good hard look at what Willie was working with overall. It may very well be true that Randolph could’ve done better with what he had, but how much? And why is Omar Minaya not on the unemployment line with Mr. Randolph?

Jose Reyes and Oliver Perez are two young guys that at times show a world of promise. However, at times they also prove to have the combined mental capacity and focus of a retarded puppy. After that, don’t the Amazins’ look curiously like a mix of players either too old or too mediocre to all be wearing the same uniform? Pedro Martinez has made about as many total starts in a Mets uniform as I have. Moises Alou was for some reason re-upped to hold down the fort in left field at the spry young age of 96. Carlos Delgado’s looks and versatility could literally help him pull off the role of the youngest guy on an Old Timer’s Day roster. And their bullpen squad of Heilman, Sosa, Mota and Wagner have been about as effective as Milton Bradley’s life coach. Is this a playoff team or a crew that has been sent out to pasture to let their careers/lives slowly wind down?

When it comes down to it, it is agreeable that Willie was the wrong fit for this team. But it is hard to say whether any manager will fare much better here. And a mid-season change rarely seems to help in baseball. It always feels more like giving up than making the necessary changes. So good luck to you Jerry Manuel, especially with a front office that has shown that when the chips are down they will happily toss their manager under, in front of, or through the bus.

The Yankees have a Limp Wang

The Yankees have hit their mid-season stride! The Yankees offense is taking off! The Yankees are 5 games above .500 and gaining speed! The Yankees lost another pitcher… and this time it’s their ace.

In a Sunday rout of the Astros that had fans wondering if the Yankees were finally headed in the right direction, they suffered what may be their worst set back of the year losing ace Chien-Ming Wang until at least September. Wang partially tore a tendon and sprained his right foot while running the bases in the Inter-league match up. This, of course, prompted a completely idiotic rant from the always ridiculous Hank Steinbrenner that blamed the National League for not having a modern enough way of playing the game and asked them to “join the 21st century.” But more importantly, it has prompted a bit of panic in Yankee land.

The Yanks headed into this season with one of the youngest and most inexperienced pitching rotations in all of Major League baseball, and they have seen the results many feared they would. Now we have to wonder who exactly will be replacing the reliable Mr. Wang? Thanks to a combination of injuries and overall ineffectiveness Joba Chamberlain and Darrell Rasner have already been moved into the rotation. Andy Pettite has had his ups and downs, and what happens if the unexpected consistency of Mike Mussina doesn’t last? Can the Yankees afford to hope for a gem amongst their young minor leaguers? Or must they think about making a trade?

Their severely thinned out pitching led to immediate rumors of possible trades, one being a swap of Robinson Cano to the Dodgers for Brad Penny. Cano has been widely considered one of the best young bats in the game, although he continues to start each year about as effective at the dish as Helen Keller. But does his streakiness really warrant offering him up for a pitcher with a 5.88 ERA and a 5-9 record who is currently on the DL? That looks eerily like one of those panic moves that could haunt a franchise for years to come.

But on the flip side, can the Yankee offense really weather the storm of losing their most dependable pitcher? Sure their bats have been on fire lately, but are they hitting their stride or just hitting a hot streak that will eventually sputter out? Even an offense anchored by Alex Rodriguez and a suddenly productive Jason Giambi (with due credit going to his Super Troopers moustache and his magical thong) can’t put up enough runs to win with no one on the mound (or with Ian Kennedy on the mound, for that matter).

So which of the choices will the Yankees front office make? Do they have the stones to gamble on a risky trade, or do they have the faith to believe they have enough to pull through? Either way, for Yankees fans it might just be time to just clasp your hands and pray.

Christmas Wishes

The most magical time of the year is finally upon us. Christmas time is a time for hope and joy, and let's be honest, presents. And everyone, even the most famous of sports figures, has a Christmas wish list.

ROGER CLEMENS (Pitcher, New York Yankees)
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is for everyone to stop hating me. What did I ever do to George Mitchell anyway? And what proof does he have that I ever did steroids? DAMN IT! It just makes me so mad! I can't explain why a rational person would ever such a thing, but it makes me want to throw a shattered bat at him!
Now Barry Bonds, THERE'S a guy who clearly took steroids. How else can you explain his sudden success at such an old age? It's preposterous! Please help me Santa!
Unfairly accused,
The Rocket

TIGER WOODS (Professional Golfer, filthy rich)
Dear Santa,
Seriously? I'm Tiger Woods. Married to a model... endorsement money coming out of my ears... able to obliterate my "opponents" while simultaneously beating them virtually on my PSP... any of that ring a bell?
I really can't accept anymore. In fact, take what you were going to give me and donate it to whatever charity is helping Phil Mickelson raise capital for his breast reduction.
Peace,
Eldrick

CLEO LEMON (QB, 1-13 Miami Dolphins)
Dear Santa,
I already got my Christmas present... does that make me Jewish?
Anyway all I really wanted this year was to get a win, and you granted my wish. I mean Cleo Lemon and Greg Camarillo save the day? How else can that be explained if not as a Christmas miracle?!
Now I can look forward to the yearly reunion of the 2007 Dolphins where we toast a round of Old Grandad whiskey shots whenever a team almost puts up an 0'fer.
I guess if you have time I would like one thing though... please take a dump in my parents chimney for naming me Cleo Lemon.
Winner at last,
Clee-dawg

MIKE KRZYZEWSKI (Head Coach/Filthy-mouthed trucker, Duke)
Dear Santa,
I know my team is doing unexpectedly well so far this year, but if I have learned anything about being a successful coach it's to never be satisfied. So I'm not f#@king satisfied!
These a$h@l#s just do not know how to f#@king hustle for two f#@king halves! Please teach these p@$#es a little bit about hard work.... get on the f#@king boards you little bi%@hes!!! You make me sick! You aren't good enough to lick the s%*$ off my %$#*@%!!!!!
Respectfully Yours,
Coach K.

MICHAEL VICK (Former NFL QB, current prison inmate)
Dear Santa,
They check the letters here before they send them out so I gotta make it brief:
- Hollowed out Bible
- Knife-spoon
- Poster of Rita Hayworth
'Nuff Said,
Ron Mexico

ANTOINE WALKER (Forward, Minnesota Timberwolves)
Dear Santa,
I've had a pretty tough year. I started off in sunny Miami and before I could blink I was suddenly exiled to a Garnett-less Minnesota. Where is KG now you ask? In Boston, where I spent most of my career in the first place!
And it all stems from me putting on a few extra pounds in the off-season. Seems a little ridiculous if you ask me. You can empathize with me big guy, what should I do? I mean no one hassles you about your strictly cookies and whole milk diet so why is it wrong if I do it?
I guess what I really need for Christmas is just some advice from a wise old veteran like yourself... and maybe NutriSystem.
Festively Plump,
'Toine

ALEX RODRIGUEZ (3rd baseman, New York Yankees)
Dear Santa,
Chap stick and tanning lotion baby!!!
I love New York,
A-Rod
p.s. I wouldn't mind if you kicked Scott Boras in the nads.

SICK TO MY STOMACH

There is no better time to catch up on an obscene amount of SportsCenter than when you're home sick. Having been, I got to lay in my bed watching hour after hour of coverage while trying to not lose my last meal. Luckily, this gave me the interesting perspective of seeing which prominent stories triggered my gag reflex most.

O.J. Back in court?
What year is it? Every time I turn on the television I see O.J. Simpson sitting in a courtroom with the same beleaguered look he sported way back when he murdered two people.... er, um.... I mean, was accused of murder.....
It was ruled today that O.J., along with two co-defendants, will stand trial in a suspected memorabilia heist that took place earlier this year. The charges he is likely to face include kidnapping and armed robbery, among others.
Much of the testimony in this preliminary hearing was given by O.J.'s two co-defendants, who seem more than happy to roll over on him to reduce their own impending sentences. One of the co-defendants, placing the presence of weapons solely on Simpson, said that O.J. told him "Show them your gun, and try to look menacing," before they entered the hotel room in which the altercation took place.
When is this guy going to wise up? Come on, you're O.J. Simpson man! You killed two people!.... er, um... were accused of killing two people..... Show your gun? Try to look menacing? If O.J. friggin' Simpson comes in my hotel room and insists something in there is his, he's getting it. Next time just ask.

A-Rod back in pinstripes?
In the latest turn in the soap opera that is Alex Rodriguez's free agency, he apparently may be staying right where he is. It was reported this morning that talks between the superstar third baseman and the presumably uninterested NY Yankees have resumed. Although this time, the talks are directly between A-Rod and the Steinbrenners, with his agent/evil brainwashing genius/douchebag-with-power Scott Boras being left out of the discussion.
It appears that Rodriguez may be regretting taking the advice of Boras and opting out of his Yankeee contract. "I don't know what brought about him approaching us," Yankees VP Hank Steinbrenner said, "it could be very well that he's always wanted to stay a Yankee and we just didn't know it."
That's right. As shocking as it is, the ever-changing mind of baseball's most perplexing star has seemingly changed again. Whether it was realizing he had taken too much advice from an agent who had his own interests at the forefront, or realizing his heart was always in New York, or realizing no one would truly accept him after reading the seething article I posted two weeks ago (I don't want to take too much credit but rumor has it he has perused Errant Balls from time to time), something has triggered a change in A-Rod.
Granted, he will likely change his mind ten more times before any deal is reached, but if he winds up back in the Bronx he may have to give one hell of a public explanation to win back the support of the fans. Just a suggestion Alex, you may want to include tarring and feathering Scott Boras in a public square with that apology.

Ricky Williams back in the NFL?
After an 18 month suspension for once again violating the NFL's drug policy, commissioner Roger Goodell officially reinstated Williams today.
Isn't being a Dolphins fan hard enough without this guy jumping in and out of our lives? When the only things to celebrate in Miami are an undefeated season that happened 35 years ago and the best Quarterback ever to win absolutely nothing, this guy has just become a big tease.
And now, on the heels of naming the third starting quarterback of their miserable 0-9 season, we hear Ricky Williams might be back again. Yippee. We might be getting a late season fantasy points addition to a pathetic team that has lost their one bright spot to a season ending injury.
How many chances can one guy get? Oddly enough, this story is the one that kills me the most. Sure, that is likely escalated by the years of immeasurable stomach damage being a Dolphins fan has already caused me, but it still hurts. In fact, it makes me downright nauseous. And it's giving me this weird paranoid feeling too. God, I wish there was some miracle drug that could relax my aching stomach and just help me mellow out.....

A-HOLE

As I sit here munching on my heaping helping of crow I can’t help but feel bitter, resentful, and scammed. After 4 seasons of defending Alex Rodriguez, of cheering him on, of insisting fans go easier on him, I find myself in the corner wearing the dunce cap. While all of my classmates point and laugh and revel in their “I told you so’s.” And what can I say? Nothing. They’re right. They have been all along.
Having A-Rod opt out of his contract without even taking a meeting to hear the Yankees’ offer has been the ultimate reality check for every fan who tried to believe he was anything but a self indulgent jackass. Now we all look back and ask “How was I such a fool?” Dealing with his free-agency has been like realizing you were dating a psychopath for four years. All your friends told you this chick was crazy, but you just didn’t see it. You insisted they were all overreacting. Until one night (say maybe the last night of the 2007 World Series) you wake up to see her standing over you dressed in full Geisha garb, wide eyed and breathing heavy as she sketches a portrait of you with crayons and glitter. And it hits you like a ton of bricks, it was there all along, you just couldn’t see it until it was right in your face.
Now the ugly truth has surfaced. For as much time as I spent as an A-Rod apologist I have to admit I was always scared I’d eventually have to eat my words. In the back of my mind I was always worried that he was exactly what everyone warned us of. And he is.
Many, including myself, thought he had come to his senses when he forced his way out of a futile situation in Texas. It seemed that Rodriguez realized his stats meant nothing if he was putting them up for a dreadful team. Suddenly he was headed to New York, to add his name to the list of great Yankees, to win not only MVP’s but Championships to boot. But Sunday night we all saw why he was really there, for the money and the attention. He was there for another chance at a bigger check and for the spotlight he so desperately craves. And now he will look for both elsewhere.
For someone who has always been touted as a “student of the game” who wants to make his place in history, his actions have not exactly helped etch his legend. Each successive move he has made has tarnished his reputation even further. Now it seems that some day down the road Alex Rodriguez will retire with full pockets, and an empty fan base. He will stand at the podium in Cooperstown as a team-less Hall of Famer. He will be remembered as the greatest individual ever to play the most team oriented game. He’ll be known as the All-Star who never truly belonged anywhere, who was never a leader except in statistics, and who never really became a winner.
Thanks to his selfishness he will never have that Jeter-like following that he has always seemed so envious of. His willingness to betray every city that embraces him will ensure that no baseball fan will ever genuinely care about or believe in Alex Rodriguez again. He will continue to be admired for his numbers and admonished for his character.
So go wherever the money takes you Alex, whether it is sunny California, windy Chicago, or fiery Hell. It doesn’t really matter. Because when all is said and done, no one will really care.