Errant Balls

Undead Earl Woods does not approve

2010-04-13T15:46:00.003-04:00

By now you have all seen the bizarre venture into uber-creepiness that is the new Tiger Woods commercial in which he stares into the camera while being questioned by a voiceover of his disappointed and apparently recently exhumed father. While we can all sit back and judge whether or not Tiger and Nike are wrong for exploiting the words of the golfer's late father, one thing is abundantly clear, poor morals just don't fly with Tiger's pappy. So in a sports world so rife with depravity, we can't help but wonder who else zombie Earl Woods would like to give a good, stern talking to...

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

"Ben, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. Are you sure forcefully groping women at every bar in the continental United States is the best follow up act to your 2009 Super Bowl victory? It seems to me that while you have not been charged with any crimes, you clearly are what some might call 'a bit handsy.' Regardless of the degree of your incidents or even of any guilt, you have officially replaced Kobe Bryant as the punchline in every athlete/sexual assault joke. I have also seen several mock Steelers #7 jerseys that read 'Rapelisberger,' 'Roethlisrapist,' and even the unoriginal but surprisingly amusing 'Rapey Raperson.' So my advice to you Ben, is to stop treating local watering holes like your own personal pap smear mobile and quit while you are marginally ahead."

CHAN HO PARK

"Mr. Ho Park.. or Park. Wait, is it Park or Ho Park? Whatever. Anyway, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion in order to uncover the mystery of why you chose to share your bowel issues with the media at large. Now I can see that whether it was your less than stellar outing or your game worn underpants, runs were an issue that day. However, I would like to extend to you the friendly suggestion of avoiding using a grisly case of diarrhea as part of any on-camera explanation. Sure, we have all been there. I've dealt with the Hershey Squirts. I've endured the green apple splatters. I've even fought off the vicious fudge dragon from the fiery depths of ballon-knot canyon, but personally sir, well I keep it to myself. So the next time a physical ailment hinders your performance on the mound, why not just call it a rough day and spare the world an unnecessary look into your own private poo-poo platter."

NY JETS

"I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion, because I want to understand why exactly you're snatching up the league's most morally debased players like hot cakes. Is it the pressure to live up to the riveting 2008 edition of HBO's Hard Knocks? Because let me tell you, that's just not going to happen. Did you see that season? That's just plain good television. Anyway, despite the possibility of solid cable programming, I simply cannot understand the motivation behind the signings you have made. Is it the hope that signing Antonio Cromartie will get you a head start on the athletic crop that is his small army of illegitimate children? Or is it the possibility that adding Santonio Holmes lands you a player willing to throw a glass in the face of a referee after a blown call? And most perplexing of all, why then did you sign good guy LaDainian Tomlinson? Was O.J. Simpson not available for your 3rd down back slot? In the end all I can say is this, you had better win. Because if you send out a bunch of amoral jackasses and still lose... well then you're just the Washington Wizards, and nobody wants that."

The BALLS that must've took

2010-04-06T13:46:00.004-04:00

Here at Errant Balls we admire few things more than a big giant set of balls (metaphorically speaking of course), and this week in sports was a true testament to epic ballery. Between carry-on firearms, facing the media to apologize for slinging more bologna than Oscar Meyer, trading franchise players to in-division rivals, and everything else that went down it was hard to even keep up with all of the balls going around. Not for a lack of trying though, so here's a nice little recap of this week in "the BALLS that must've took!"

"Sir, are you positive you wouldn't prefer to check this bag?"

Hats off to Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers who had the gumption... no the audacity... nay, the straight up BALLS to carry a cocked and loaded handgun in his carry on bag at Hopkins International Airport.

Shaun, in this case, honesty is the best policy. In the dangerous and unpredictable world we live in a bit of paranoia and caution is understandable. I doubt anyone would be complaining about your weapon if there were hijackers, or God forbid snakes on that plane. So our advice is this, if you're going to lie about why you had the gun, don't say you "forgot" you had it. Refer to the Dave Chappelle rule of thumb here and just go with a good old "I'm sorry officer... I, I didn't know I couldn't do that."

"I just want to apologize to my colleagues for having to answer so many questions about my wayward penis."

A round of applause is due to Tiger Woods who sat himself and his giant balls down at Augusta and offered a rousing "my bad" to the media on hand. In the face of an upcoming weekend sure to be filled with vicious sniping and heckling from the notoriously unruly Masters crowd ("Your lack of ethics and integrity may have permanently damaged your large-scale marketability... ya JACKASS!"), Tiger stepped up to the podium and performed admirably.

After what can only be described as one of the most epic wiener-romps the world has ever seen, it can't be easy to admit that "yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done that." Well really Tiger what you shouldn't have done is gotten married. Look at Derek Jeter, he's thrown more junk than the NYC sanitation department and he's on pace to be the next mayor, but I suppose that's neither here nor there. So in the end, we offer a golf clap to you and your balls for facing the filthy, filthy music.

"We can't let Kevin Kolb rot on the bench forever, he could be the next Koy Detmer!"

Congrats to the Philadelphia Eagles brass, whose collective balls are are so incalculably enormous they couldn't even see around them when they accidentally traded their franchise quarterback to an in-division rival. I'll admit though, on some level you have to admire the nonchalant attitude of "Sure he took us to five NFC championships and a Super Bowl, but f*ck it. Washington, you take 'em."

Of course, only time will tell if this was a genius move or an epic failure driven by men blinded by their own uncontrollably huge balls, but suffice it to say that it is not exactly common practice to hand a rival your best player. In any case, bravo to the Eagles for sacking up and throwing caution (and reason) to the wind. And in the mean time, I'll just assume this was a foregone conclusion once you found out Donovan McNabb didn't know you could tie in football.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

- Butler Bulldog Gordon Hayward, who despite looking like a 6'8" version of Encyclopedia Brown, had the onions to take two game-winning shot attempts that narrowly missed.

- The CBS execs that decided to have former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson sing this year's version of "One Shining Moment." Traditionally performed by the now departed Luther Vandross, it took some real balls on CBS's part to switch the artist in spite of the obvious likelihood of a smooth rhythm and blues haunting from Big L himself.

- Chicago White Sox starting pitcher Mark Buerhle, for disregarding the strong possibility of smacking himself in his own tremendous beans with his glove and in turn, locking up the ESPY for Play of the Year on opening day.

Ten Bold Predictions for the 2010 MLB Season

2010-03-29T11:53:00.005-04:00

After a lengthy hiatus that included a bit of experimenting with hallucinogenics and a trip to Tibet to really "find themselves," your Errant Balls are making their triumphant return stateside just in time for the start of 2010 baseball. And, in keeping with the proud and rich tradition of this haphazardly put together, grammatically reckless and brazenly fruitless blog, we're here to bring you our annual edition of bold predictions for Major League Baseball!

- Slugger Alex Rodriguez will once again have a statistically magical season and playoff run fueled by a golden-haired muse. This year... Macaulay Culkin.

- Prince Fielder will establish himself as the Chad Ochocinco of MLB, one-upping his controversial 2009 home run celebration by slugging a beer whilst smoking a cigarette as he rounds the bases.

-Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington will earn himself a five game suspension for trying to snort

the chalk foul line on his way to an early season mound visit.

- Off-season acquisition Melky Cabrera will lighten the overall mood of the Atlanta Braves, showing teammates how to pass time in the dugout by cheering jubilantly and chewing paper cups.

- Often fickle Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez will continue his annual tradition of demanding a mid-season trade, this time pointing to his preferred destinations as the San Francisco Quakes from the 1991 NES hit Roger Clemens' MVP baseball or the Bad News Bears.

- Tigers 3rd baseman Brandon Inge will land himself an additional $5M thanks to a contract incentive that nets him $100 each time someone refers to him as "scrappy."

- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will be contracted by the U.S. government to serve up a tirade so unimaginably profane it will kickstart the nation's ailing economy.

- An investigation will be launched into possible steroid use by Phillies All Star 2nd baseman Chase Utley based on suspicions that the feds will refer to simply as "a mean case of Giambi hair."

- The impending senility of Yankee owner George Steinbrenner will rear its ugly head when in a rare public press conference he refers to new Yankee outfielder Curtis Granderson as "black Derek Jeter."

- At some point, following some inexcusable fielding error somewhere, some guilty player will react by staring at his glove in complete bewilderment as if searching for some kind of obvious structural flaw in the webbing.

Our balls may be errant for some time...

2010-01-05T17:17:00.002-05:00

To our throngs of loyal readers (8 people qualifies as a throng right?),

It is with great sadness and very little writing skill that we announce Errant Balls will be on hiatus for some time as the staff (me) focuses on another writing project.

We look forward to a triumphant and marginally heralded return in the spring of 2010... see you then!

- Errant Balls

Yankees-Angels game 4 recap

2009-10-21T13:02:00.006-04:00

The Yanks came back strong from their first loss of the postseason and put up 10 on the helpless Angels. But don’t let the score fool you, this game certainly wasn’t lacking in the entertainment department. Here were my favorite moments…

- Scott Kazmir making the decision early on that since he couldn’t find rhythm or consistency, he would just pitch as slow as humanly possible. I see the logic, hoping the ump might get distracted by something in the crowd in his downtime, then in a panic call a strike he didn’t see. The downside though, was that the first four innings of this game ran just under 4 hours.

- 3rd base umpire Tim McClelland beginning his stellar night of complete ineptitude by calling Nick Swisher out for leaving early on a tag up in which he clearly had not. Though to be fair, maybe McClelland was just setting the world right being that Swisher had been called safe on a pick off at second moments earlier, when he was clearly out and should not even still have been on the base paths. In any case, umpiring has reached the summit of Mount Useless this postseason.

- Tex finally picks up a hit, then A-Rod drives him in with yet another home run. Following the game a jubilant Rodriguez would slap Reggie Jackson and demand he hand over the rights to the Mr. October monicker.

- Jorge Posada somehow advancing only from second to third on Robbie Cano’s booming double to center field. Although Torii Hunter did pull out the old school “pretend to catch it when it’s twenty feet over your head” move in center field, I see that one showing up on the next And 1 Mixtape.

- After getting a fresh coat of white-out put on his finger nails in the dugout, Jorge Posada swipes them under Nick Swisher’s nose causing the outfielder to pop up in his seat. Have we just discovered the secret to Nick Swisher’s happy-go-lucky “high on life” attitude?

- Perhaps setting the bar for most retarded 30 seconds in playoff history, Posada and Cano find themselves both at third and in a moment of epic stupidity, decide neither of them should go back to the bag as Angels catcher Mike Napoli tags them out. But hold the phone, who’s the 3rd base umpire? Tim McClelland, who only calls Posada out because that crafty Cano just put his foot on the bag and acted nonchalant, and that was more than enough to convince McClelland he’d been there the whole time. Playoff umpires… best of the best.

- Kendry Morales absolutely blasts a neck high Sabathia fastball into center to start off CC’s first tough inning, prompting Tim McCarver to temporarily back off his theory that Sabathia could pitch 80 more innings if necessary.

- A dominating 7th inning by Sabathia has McCarver and Joe Buck not even talking about the game, but rather sharing stories that explain why CC is not only an amazing pitcher, but possibly the greatest man alive. In commentator terms, this is the baseball equivalent to “Favre-ing” someone.

- A-Rod adds a single and another run for good measure. Anyone else starting to think Kate Hudson has a detailed ’stats-to-sexual favors’ formula that has Alex filling up the box scores?

- Chad Gaudin is inserted in the 9th inning to close it out in the Yankees’ “sorry we haven’t used you in 127 innings” moment.

- McCarver and Buck point out that it is the 99th birthday of the voice of Yankee Stadium Bob Sheppard, saying he is affectionately known around the old stadium as the “voice of God.” Seems a bit overdone, but in all fairness Sheppard was hanging out with God back when everyone just called him “Jerry.” In all seriousness though a well deserved happy birthday to a man the fans truly miss having around.

- Yankee skipper Joe Girardi reveals that A-Rod and CC will start Thursday's game 5... alone... on short rest........ blindfolded.

- I give all the credit in the world to Pat Sajak, who is still going strong in the 9th and refuses to leave early. The longtime Wheel of Fortune host needed only to buy one vowel to complete his postgame reaction puzzle: S-H—T!

- Gaudin throws his hat in the ring for heir to Mariano’s throne with a 1-2-3 inning. See you in the next complete blowout Chad!

- A final shot in the commentator booth reveals Joe Buck’s oversized head snapping back and dispensing a giant Pez candy for Tim McCarver’s postgame enjoyment.

Ten Bold Predictions for the 2009 NFL Season

2009-09-10T00:40:00.004-04:00

After an extended hiatus, your Errant Balls are ready to make their triumphant return. To my loyal readers, I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience or displeasure this may have cost the four of you. It was never my intention to alienate my loyal base, but when it comes down to it there are just a few things that can get in the way of blogging mostly drunken, while sometimes slightly humorous weekly articles completely absent of progress or profit. But I digress.

What's important is that Errant Balls is back, and just in time to fill you in on my generally heinous, yet not entirely impossible predictions for the 2009 NFL season... Enjoy!

- The Jets new hotshot rookie quarterback will cost Chris Berman a hefty fine from the FCC when the ESPN host refers to him as Mark "Dirty" Sanchez in his week 3 highlights.

- Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman will avoid further trouble when he explains his little domestic mishap wasn't meant to be a violent act, but was in fact a social commentary on the sad state of today's entertainment industry... then, God willing, he will find Tila Tequila and finish the job.

- In an effort to make light of their reputation for trouble with the law, the Cincinnati Bengals will take a page out of the 1985 Bears book and create a hit rap video known as "The Shawshank Shuffle."

- Raiders owner Al Davis will once again make headlines when he trades Oakland's 2011 and 2012 first round picks to the Patriots for the heart of a ritually sacrificed Himalayan mountain goat.

- The Philadelphia Eagles will enjoy a dominant season thanks to their offseason acquisition of the dynamic Michael Vick, who will run the "Wildcat" offense flawlessly, as though he has already had years of experience as the general in charge of an organized, yet chaotic, animal-centric scheme.

- Rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford will struggle mightily after being handed the keys to run the Detroit Lions. He will avoid harsh scrutiny however, when it is pointed out that the Lions were assembled by General Motors.

- The Colts will draw an unusual amount of delay of game penalties, when super pitchman Peyton Manning tries to maximize his profits by squeezing live endorsements in between audibles at the line of scrimmage.

- Much maligned Tennessee Titan Vince Young's mental stability and quarterbacking ability will once again be called into question when he throws himself off a highway overpass, only to be intercepted by a pickup truck full of packing peanuts passing below.

- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will suffer his second public embarrassment in the new Cowboy Stadium, when a week six shot of him on his tremendous, but too-low jumbotron reveals he jots his game notes down in a Hello Kitty spiral notebook.

- The Minnesota Viking's signing of fickle QB Brett Favre will eventually backfire, when a devastated Favre leaves the team at mid-season upon realizing the artificial turf in the Metrodome is completely un-mowable.

Bold MLB predictions for the second half

2009-07-22T12:25:00.002-04:00

With baseball's second half officially under way, it's time to start speculation on what we'll be looking back on at year's end. Who will make an unlikely run to the playoffs? Who will fall apart? Whose greasy hair product will cost their team dearly?

Well here at Errant Balls, we say "why wait?" Sure you can sit back and actually watch the 2009 season play out. OR, you could put your trust in an unresearched and shoddily put together blog that may or may not be written from a Blackberry while watching the recently released Blockbuster DVD of Watchmen. Let's just put it this way, one will take a whole lot less time, and isn't that the American way?

So read on, and believe every word of it, just so we don't have to say "I told you so" in November...

- Following a 5 game losing streak that kills their chances in the Central division, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will say something so crude in his post game conference, that an appalled Andrew Dice Clay watching at home will faint where he stands.

- The Phillies signing of veteran Pedro Martinez will eventually ruin their chances to repeat as World Series champs, when slugger Ryan Howard is lost for the season after slipping on the excess drippings of Pedro's Soul-Glo in the locker room and severely tearing his ACL.

- Manny Ramirez will again be suspended for violating the terms of the league's substance abuse policies when he tests positive for the birth control pill, Purina Beggin' Strips, and three times the legal limit of Elmer's non-toxic all-purpose paste

- In an unprecedented effort to "boost their farm system," the Pirates will trade infielders Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson, along with the rights to their home stadium PNC Park before the July 31st trade deadline. The once proud franchise will subsequently be relocated to a suburban Pittsburgh-area high school field for the remainder of the season.

- Orioles manager Dave Trembley will make a sad attempt at alleviating yet another losing season in Baltimore, promising fans at the season's final home game that at the very least he can find them exceptionally low prices on off-season hotels and airfare.

- Previously thought to be on the DL for only a few weeks at most, Mets manager Jerry Manuel will deliver the sad news on August 1st that the team's collective dignity is officially lost for the year and will require off-season surgery.

- After 23 different All-Stars hit the 15-day DL in September, the stock of energy product manufacturer Phiten USA will plummet after it is realized that exposure of 5 months or more to their popular necklaces can cause severe and uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea.

- The Yankees will play out the remainder of the regular season failing to beat the Red Sox, but will somehow win the division and avoid them in the playoffs en route to winning their 27th World Series. Hal Steinbrenner will declare the 2009 season an unabashed failure and immediately fire manager Joe Girardi.

2009 MLB All-Star Game running diary

2009-07-15T11:31:00.003-04:00

It's our yearly tradition (going strong now for the second year in a row) of bringing you a running diary of baseball's mid-summer classic. The All-Star game is a rare opportunity to see stars from all across the league gathered in one place, making them far easier targets. And thanks to the fact that the league is still under contract with Fox, we're assured plenty of material from sources other than the players as well. To sum up, it basically writes itself, but we'll take the credit.

So here it is... the 2009 MLB All-Star game running diary!

8:03- Has anyone ever noticed that Fox's Chris Rose looks like he could easily be the love child of Tom Arnold and Ryan Seacrest?

8:04- Obama's time in the locker room is highlighted by him messing around with Ryan Howard for not winning the HR derby, and Howard subsequently giving him the "if you weren't the leader of the free world I would slap you silly" look.

8:06- This Bank of America commercial has me wondering how they came to the decision to use Kiefer Sutherland as the voice of their ads. After all, nothing says sound financial institution like a celebrity with a penchant for binge drinking and head butting.

8:10- The team intros have begun, and Joe Torre's nose now officially makes up 95.8% of his face.

8:12- Legitimately thought Metallica lead singer James Hetfield had made the NL squad before they said who St. Louis closer Ryan Franklin was.

8:16- Chase Utley made it through this year's intros without dropping an F-bomb on camera, but I like to think that in his heart he really wanted to.

8:17- The game's best hitter receives a rousing hometown reception. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd hear 46,000 people chanting "Poooo-holes."

8:22- Really enjoyed the poignant "All-Stars among us" segment with the former presidents recognizing some exceptional American citizens. Though I totally expected George W. Bush to give them all credit for raising awarity in their communities.

8:23- Former president Jimmy Carter is my new nightmare... he looks exactly like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

8:29- The network that brought you groundbreaking series such as "The Simpsons" and "Married with Children" is taking yet another giant leap forward in television innovation... Airing this fall, "Brothers" starring Michael Strahan... there are no words.

8:37- The hall of fame Cardinals make their way out to the field in bright red blazers and ties. Anyone watching in a bar with the sound off genuinely thinks they are a barbershop quartet about to perform the National Anthem.

8:39- President Obama's ceremonial first pitch is a high looping curve, but not bad. I give him 5th for the best presidential throw ever, and 1st for the highest pants ever worn out to the mound... ever.

8:42- Thanks to Tim McCarver's complete inability to sell subtle metaphors, any casual fans watching the game now think 25 year old NL starter Tim Lincecum actually has a bionic arm.

8:44- Just counted, Taco Bell's new bacon burrito commercial actually says the word bacon 8 times. Enjoy the new taco bacon burrito bacon with bacon, cheese topped with bacon and bacon potatoes bacon. For a limited time only at Taco Bacon.... bacon.

8:54- Anyone who just flipped the game on was greeted by McCarver rambling about AL catcher Joe Mauer's constant left hand pounding, with Joe Buck immediately insisting he has the prettiest left hand stroke you'll ever see. Juvenile masturbation jokes follow in living rooms everywhere.

8:57- The AL scores their first run off an Albert Pujols error; St. Louis fans begin coming to terms with the fact that the second round appearance in the HR derby was the best they're getting this weekend.

9:09- Once daily SPIRIVA will apparently help clear the airways of asthma sufferers, with the trivial side effects of constipation and trouble passing urine. So breathe easy America... until you fill up with doodies and wee-wee and die.

9:11- Roy Halladay's non-stickered helmet makes it obvious that no team wants to be associated with his All-Star at bat.

9:20- Obama, now a DC resident, just referred to the Nationals as the only team whose fans have absolutely no hope this season. If I were the president I'd expect a pretty solid toilet paper job on the White House when I get home... you just pissed off the wrong 3 fans buddy!

9:49- Zack Greinke just entered the game as the first legitimate All-Star representative of the Kansas City Royals in 106 years.

9:58- Joe Buck just pointed out how much faster Carl Crawford might be if he actually pulled his pants up. Joe my friend, you are approaching curmudgeonly at an alarming rate.

10:00- Fox needs to fire their caricature artist ASAP. The cartoon of Jeter they just showed during his at bat looked like Rodney Dangerfield in a Yankee uniform.

10:15- Reliever Trevor Hoffman enters the game, he looks old enough to be Stan Musial's coach.

10:21- Fox cares so little about this actual game that they just tagged defensive replacement Jason Bartlett as Ben Zobrist and no one said a thing.

10:24- It is now clear that the previous error was due to their extreme focus on the impending non-verbal plug for their creepy sci-fi show "Fringe."

10:28- It took 7 innings but I am officially ashamed that someone can mow St. Louis' historical old courthouse and gateway arch into the outfield grass and I can't even get my Ipod to stop freezing.

10:36- Carl Crawford's leaping catch of a possible home run just saved reliever Jonathan Papelbon from the devastating prospect of an inning without a self righteous celebration at the end.

10:44- Nice moment showing Derek Jeter hanging out with Mariano Rivera's teenage son, and I assume sharing with him the finer points of trawling for celebrity ass.

10:46- National league manager Charlie Manuel pulls the baseball equivalent of taking out the kid with the club foot in dodgeball, ordering an All-Star game intentional walk of Victor Martinez.

10:50- Manuel's plan backfires when Orioles' star Adam Jones hits a sac fly to give the AL the lead. Adam Joneses everywhere are praying they will soon be associated with this talented young man rather than a certain stripper loving, law hating cornerback.

10:57- Really enjoying Atlanta catcher Brian McCann's full beard and glasses look. He should audition for the role of "Tech guy" in an upcoming heist movie.

11:05- McCarver just dropped the bombshell that slugger Ryan Howard likes the ball over the plate... Tim, you are truly a wealth of knowledge.

11:15- Really enjoyed the Gillette commercial where Tiger Woods tries to pay for body wash with a giant check. That's all... giant novelty items are funny. Just ask Burt Reynolds.

11:22- Mariano Rivera induces a Miguel Tejada pop-out to seal the game for the AL in a paltry 2 hours and 31 minutes. Funny, between the vocal stylings of McCarver and Buck and being inundated by upwards of 3,000 Taco Bell commercials I could've sworn this was another 15 inning affair.

11:29- Carl Crawford is named the MVP for making a catch that stopped the other team from tying the game... in the 7th inning. Needless to say that sums up this riveting experience.

11:31- Without much reflection I've determined I was far more entertained by Magic Johnson's speech at the Michael Jackson funeral special than I was by the All-Star game... until next year readers!

The Week in Pictures

2009-07-01T13:13:00.006-04:00

The equation is plain and simple: (Slow sports week + lack of time - the desire to think of fresh and original material) x the amount of beers I have consumed thus far this week = The Week in Pictures!

Enjoy...

"Good luck this weekend Jerry. Just try not to injure any of your tough as nails players with a strong pregame speech."

"Okay, now just try not to burst out in laughter on your way down to first... dead kittens, dead kittens, dead kittens."

"Sweet mercy that is one supple backside..."

"Look, all I'm saying is that the Mets as an organization have really fallen on some harsh luck this year. Is there ANY chance we did something to anger the Gods?"

"Not this time you little f*cker."

"Oooh look at me I'm Ricky Rubio. I was once married to Lucille Ball and when I go to the barber I just ask him for the 'lead singer of Journey' look... HAHAHAHA!"

"I'd like to thank the Orlando Magic coaches and staff, their GM Otis Smith, and of course the almighty God for helping to get me the hell outta Jersey."

"I never feel half as safe as I do when I'm in your arms..."

"Seriously bro, if you're not completely sold on this whole hockey thing, there's room in our rotation."

"Ohhh well I'm sooo sorry I've offended the big bad superstar. I'm old... they slip out sometimes... get over it!"

"I can't wait to tell that bastard P. Diddy I'll never have to dance around with his umbrella for a paycheck again!"

"This is even more embarrassing than that time I pointed up to God and screamed in praise and that seagull crapped in my eye..."

"Yeah I'm about as excited to go to Minnesota as I look... be strong Ricky... no tears."

"Oh man the Grizzlies are gonna be heated when my physical shows I'm actually 67."

"I don't care if he doesn't win us the championship, I'm already lost in his eyes."

"I'm honestly just excited at the opportunity to play with all of these experienced veterans... I can't wait to ask Michael Finley what Dr. James Naismith was really like in person."

2009 NBA Draft Analysis

2009-06-24T11:15:00.014-04:00

With the NBA draft only a day away, we're running out of time to give you our very own brand of analysis for the top prospects for the '09 class. Sure, any sports site can tell you that so and so can shoot the lights out, or that such and such a point guard has Steve Nash-like passing skills, but is that really enough? Not for the true fan. So take a look at our truly in-depth breakdown of the hottest players on the market, in Errant Balls' 2009 NBA Draft Analysis.

Blake Griffin

Positives- Strength and athleticism have him NBA ready now... Will immediately be a draw for crowds... Apparently is happy to play for the Clippers (jump on this before he realizes which LA team you are!)

Negative- Severe concussion suffered last season could be the motivator behind his eagerness to join the Clippers tradition

Where should he go?- Whether he really wants to or not, Blake Griffin is going to be a Clipper. It has been made abundantly clear that there will be no suspense when it comes to this year's first overall pick. So where should he go? Probably to those self-help meetings held at Michael Olowokandi's house titled: I'm a Clipper, and I'm going to be okay...

Ricky Rubio

Positives- Pro experience overseas has given him toughest competition possible... At the age of 18 he still has a ton of upside... "Pistol" Pete Maravich haircut allows him to be a true creator with the ball in his hands

Negative- Might just be a tanner version of "White Chocolate" Jason Williams

Where should he go?- It's tough to say where Rubio truly should go in this draft. He could be taken anywhere from 2-6 and could easily find himself in Memphis, Oklahoma City, Sacramento, or Minnesota. All possibilities of which I'm sure the young guard is thrilled about. In the end, it's just a shame that Las Vegas doesn't have a pro team, because that is the town where Ricky belongs. Just say his name out loud and tell me you couldn't see throngs of tourists living it up at the luxurious Ricky Rubio Hotel and Casino.

Hasheem Thabeet

Positives- Shot blocking prowess will make immediate defensive impact... Raw physical build gives room for improvement... 7'3" stature adds possibility that he may be the next Greg Oden

Negative- ... he may be the next Greg Oden

Where should he go?- In all likelihood it seems that the Grizzlies would be wise to lock Thabeet up with the number 2 pick. The Grizz haven't had a true inside presence since they traded Pau Gasol for a bushel of potatoes, and could really use a big man to shore up their defense. And on the upside for Thabeet, he'll have a few years to improve his game in Memphis before GM Chris Wallace trades him to a title contender for sixpence and a plowing ox.

Stephen Curry

Positives- Easily the purest shooter in the draft... Dad Dell Curry proves he has the NBA pedigree... Boyish appearance will allow him to sneak into opponent's practices under the guise of an autograph seeker

Negative- Teammates may be distracted by his hot mom in the stands

Where should he go?- The Knicks showed a ton of interest in Curry right off the bat, and true to form, cast a light on exactly why other teams should take a good hard look at him. Thanks to their generosity and open drooling over Curry, they have all but assured he won't land in New York. Nice job dipsh*ts. So while he should have gone to the big city, look for Steph to land in either Minnesota or Sacramento.

Tyreke Evans

Positives- Quintessential freshman talent who could have made the jump straight from high school... Short Memphis tenure had him learning much under John Calipari... It should be at least a full season before his fraudulent SAT's and free family flight allegations come to light

Negative- Conference USA experience may have him convinced every team aside from his is nothing more than a whipping post

Where should he go?- Evans is another guy who could go anywhere from 3-8. His tough build and slashing ability make him an interesting prospect for all the teams involved. But we'll guess he winds up in Minnesota, under the assumption that by the time the draft rolls around the Wolves will have traded for the rights to picks 2-21.

Tyler Hansbrough

Positives- Could easily be called the hardest working player in the draft... Toughness on the boards will add to any team lacking in the paint... Eyes are wide enough to provide great court vision, and the ability to see what will happen up to three plays in advance

Negative- Game-winning shot celebrations are not NBA ready

Where should he go?- Plain and simple, Tyler Hansbrough belongs on the Utah Jazz. Look at him... look at them. Tyler's workmanship and all out effort would fit perfectly with Jerry Sloan's tough guy style, and the raucous Utah crowds would go batty for his ferocious play in the key. This would be the most logical pickup of the sports year... that is until the Cincinnati Bengals sign Plaxico Burress.

Brandon Jennings

Positives- Decision to skip college and play overseas proves he's anxious for the NBA... Has looked promising in preseason workouts alongside Steph Curry and Gerald Henderson... 7.6 ppg average in Euroleague action should translate to 3.1 ppg in the NBA, instant production baby

Negative- 80's style Gumby haircut makes him the most likely candidate to show up to the draft dressed like the ghost of Bernie Mac

Where should he go?- Jennings is a tough player to place, because if he drops past the Knicks at 8 he could take a huge draft day slide. But for now, let's say he's the type of pick that is destined for New York. He has the athleticism and upside to tempt them just enough... along with the downside and complete bust possibility to be the next perfect "I can't believe we took this friggin' guy instead of..." pick for the Knicks (see: Renaldo Balkman over Rajon Rondo in '06).

The sports star Twitter feed

2009-06-03T13:54:00.006-04:00

Everyone has seen and heard about the mad craze that is Twitter. While Facebook and Myspace clearly cannot supply us with a sufficient amount of inane detail on the lives of others, Twitter can do just that. After all, how would any of my loyal followers get through the day without knowing my every move and receiving essential minute to minute updates on my activity like:

just left the house after dropping a wicked deuce... pretty sure i was a few wipes short! :O
about 1 hour ago from twitterberry

And as all of you sports nuts know, Twitter has become a huge hit with professional athletes. Guys like Shaquille O'Neal and Chris Bosh says it gives them a chance to interact on a more personal level with fans. And the fans have obliged with over 1 million and almost 25,000 following the two respectively (ouch, maybe a few dropped Bosh after Shaq called him the RuPaul of big men).
In any case, it has come to our attention that not everyone is fully aware of what they are missing on Twitter. So it is with great pleasure that we use the infinite insider hook ups of Errant Balls to give the fans an exclusive look at the juciest Twitter posts of some of the biggest names in sports today... enjoy!

Manny Ramirez
feelin great about this season so far, i love LA!
11:46 AM May 5th from web

cant believe im out for 50 games for that! i thought it was allowed now that arod admitted it
9:32 PM May 9th from web

enjoying my time off, got back into collecting pogs and traded for a sweet kung fu panda slammer today!
7:52 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Kobe Bryant
just finished off melo and the nuggets, headed to the finals again! glad to be out of denver tho, theyre not very nice...
11:01 PM May 29th from web

magic johnson just asked me if winning w/o shaq would be more special. like i needed shaq... wtf? lmfao!!!
5:26 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

watching tape of dwight howard, thinking we should just bring adam morrison in to dropkick him in his supersized sack
12:43 AM June 3rd from web

Tom Brady
just had first practice back, knee is feeling great... theres nothing i cant do!
6:12 PM May 27th from Twitterberry

just ran full speed up to a cop and grabbed his gun, when he saw who i was he chuckled jovially and took my pic... theres nothing i cant do!
2:29 PM May 31st from Twitterberry

just told gisele to shut up and make me a sandwich... seriously... theres NOTHING i cant do!
12:03 PM June 3rd from web

Shaquille O'Neal
cant believe its a magic-lakers final. neither can win without the diesel tho, predicting a tie
1:21 AM May 31st from web

kobe told magic johnson i couldnt have won without him... omg! wtf? LMFAO!!!
11:57 PM June 2nd from web

thinking of pulling a sacha baren-cohen on kobe at the finals so he can really tell the world how my ass tastes
10:33 AM June 3rd from web

LeBron James
completely shocked we're going home, expected the world this season
12:34 AM May 31st from Twitterbug

sorry i didnt shake hands after the game, but i poop my pants when severely devastated. the world didnt need to see that
11:47 AM June 1st from web

that kobe-lebron muppet commercial where he breaks my balls about championship rings is really starting to piss me off!
8:13 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

John Calipari
sorry to hear about the troubles at memphis, but totally focused on UK
8:16 AM May 23rd from web

shouldve known derek rose's 1600 SAT was too good to be true
10:52 PM May 31st from web

had no idea derek's brother was catching free flights on us, thought that kid was a flight attendant
1:21 PM June 1st from Twitterberry

Carlos Beltran
supposed to finally get in the game tonite, cant wait to take down pittsburgh!
3:02 PM June 2nd from web

just yacked my brains out all over d-wrights cleats... stuck in the bathroom :*(
6:17 PM June 2nd from Twitterberry

missed 3 games now w/ this stomach virus. pretty sure the pirates gave me scurvy
11:21 PM June 2nd from web

The NBA Conference Finals in Pictures

2009-05-27T11:47:00.006-04:00

The 2009 NBA playoffs have been a total blast. Full of hard fouls, close games, and buzzer beaters, they have been an absolute pleasure to watch thus far. And luckily, the conference finals haven't been any different.

But rather than bore you with statistical breakdowns or genuinely intuitive and knowledgeable articles about these crucial series, Errant Balls will once again be your source for the number one way Americans (namely anyone who is amused by our postings in particular) choose to get their information... with pretty pictures from the internet!

So enjoy this post of the NBA conference finals in pictures, and thank us for not asking you to strain your brainpower later...

"Nice shot... CELEBRATORY SLEEPER HOLD!!!"

"Dude, you gotta see the replay of that shot. Marv Albert screamed so loud his toupee ran off."

"We're your friends and we're begging you, stop combing your hair like that. Why won't you just listen?"

"R. Kelly was right! I can fly!"

"If I climb Joe Smith in next year's dunk contest I'll bet I can dunk on a 20-foot hoop!"

"I'm just sayin man, if LeBron blows this series I say we choke his ass out... maybe we can even do it in my car right before the ESPYS ."

"This makes me mad enough for an ill-fated guarantee."

"Drink it in fans. Revel in why they really call me the Polish Hammer."

"Wait a second, I did used to play here! Put me in coach!"

"Me?! What did I do? I'm innocent... can't you see how pretty my hair is??"

"OH! Right in the King James!"

"Chris Tucker?! Oh hey what's up man? I thought you were Cedric the Entertainer for the first 3 quarters!"

"How could you not recognize me!? I played your older brother Elliot in E.T.!!"

"I thought you were a Knicks fan you scumbag."

"Why would you do that to my favorite ball you big bully?!!"

"They pay me every time I strike the JORDAN LOGO pose."

"I mush you!"

"Ooh lah-dee-dah look at me.. now I'm the coach."

"Look, I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm just saying... Scientology? Really?! Come on guy."

"Holy hell!! Someone tell Jack Nicholson his flabby old man gut is hanging out!"

"This ball is dangerously larger than the one we used last time."

"For the last time I'm not admitting what drugs earned me my 2-year suspension! I'm in the middle of a game for Christ's sake!"

"Something tells me my puppy is never going to find his way home..."

"You know officer I feel like you really could've chosen a more discreet time to question me about who keyed Phil Jackson's car."

"That's right son... silent but legitimately deadly."

Superstar To-Do Lists

2009-05-20T10:18:00.011-04:00

After a few weeks off, Errant Balls is back in the swing of not-for-profit blogging... you're welcome world.

In the time since we've been gone, quite a bit has gone down in the world of sporting news. So here's a little slice of the everyday lives of the guys we've heard so much about. It's a peek onto the refrigerator Post-It note of the superstar athlete, with "Superstar To-Do Lists."

MANNY RAMIREZ: LA Dodgers outfielder, after being suspended for 50 games for failing MLB drug

test

- Make awkward and uncomfortable apology to teammates with the few words in my arsenal 4

- Send bacne treatment kits to all of the loyal fans who maintain their seats in the Mannywood section of Dodger Stadium

- Return to former supplement policy of never ingesting anything that isn't colorful and/or shaped like a Flintstones character

LEBRON JAMES: Cleveland Cavaliers superstar, upon reaching the Eastern Conference Finals

- Appear in more commercials daily than the ShamWow guy 4

- Use opportunity to ask Dwight Howard for permission to jump over him and dunk Nate Robinson in next year's contest

- Increase workout routine of money swimming to twice daily

MICHAEL VICK: Embattled former NFL star, upon his release from prison

- Put football on the back burner and get my life back together 4

- Have miniature versions of dog fighting rings assembled in basement

- Find out a good place to inconspicuously purchase 50 ill-tempered roosters

KOBE BRYANT: LA Lakers all star, upon reaching the Western Conference Finals

- Crush the souls of Knicks fan base by having a documentary made of me by their most famous die-hard fan 4

- Cap off win of Rockets series by shaving "Ron Artest is a Nutbag" into my hair

- Avoid troublesome Colorado nightlife during Nuggets series

BLAKE GRIFFIN: former Oklahoma standout, upon learning the Clippers have the rights to the number 1 pick in this year's draft

- Avoid breaking down in tears while acknowledging possibility of landing with the Clippers 4

- Contact Archie Manning to inquire into the art of just saying no

- Find flight of stairs big enough to knock me out of the number one spot, but small enough not to end career

BARRY MELROSE: ESPN hockey analyst, now dealing with unexpected extra attention thanks to exciting hockey actually being played

- Make a joke about every non-hockey athlete who leaves the game with a supposed "injury" 4

- Finish second act of "Sidney and Ovi" buddy comedy screenplay

- Cultivate mullet nightly with coconut milk and acai extract

MARK SANCHEZ: New York Jets draft pick, now dealing with the whirlwind of being the next franchise quarterback in New York

- Gain respect of hardened New York fans with a seemingly Baywatch themed GQ photo shoot 4

- Get out-on-the-town wardrobe advice from fellow New Yorker Sean Avery

- Change MySpace profile name to something more media acceptable than Mark "Dirty" Sanchez

DENVER NUGGETS: Upon realizing their May 25th playoff home game is in conflict with an already booked appearance of Monday Night Raw

- Do our best to ignore the fact that our owners had so little faith in us making the playoffs they figured they'd give the date to John Cena and the Big Show instead 4

- Set up steel cage ladder match between Mark Cuban and Kenyon Martin's mom (preferably with Mike Tyson as a special guest referee)

- Plead with Vince MacMahon to facilitate the return of the Ultimate Warrior to the ring

BRETT FAVRE: Quasi-retired quarterback in the midst of making what seems to be yet another comeback

- Deny up and down that I have any interest in coming out of retirement 4

- Lay low playing backyard football with dog and mowing lawn for several months 4

- Make comeback (f*ck the Packers)

See you May 20th!

2009-05-06T14:28:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the hiatus but the world of pro-bono blogging isn't as lucrative as I was initially led to believe. Anyway, we'll be back with a new post on May 20th... see all five of you loyal readers then!

2009 NFL Draft Preview

2009-04-22T11:47:00.003-04:00

This weekend marks the yearly tradition of men sitting around for hours on end, throwing back beers, eating crappy food, and watching what could be called the most repetitive and mundane sports coverage of the year... and loving every minute of it!

That's right, the NFL draft is upon us. So prepare yourselves for a full day of hearing about the linebacker who is "an absolute beast," the tackle with a "tremendous upside," and the quarterback that teams are "truly in love with." And if there are no big trades or shocking picks, who cares? At least you'll enjoy seeing some crazy suits and watching the pained look on a prospect's face as he pretends to be excited to join that team.

In any case, since everyone else under the sun has a mock draft, so do we! So check out Errant Balls' breakdown of the top ten picks for the 2009 NFL Draft.

1) DETROIT LIONS (Record: 0-16)

Offseason Concerns: QB, Offensive Line, possibility that adding teeth to their logo may not be enough to right the ship

Projected Pick: The Lions will likely go with star quarterback Matt Stafford out of Georgia. Stafford is the consensus top QB in the draft and supposedly excited at the possibility of hooking up with Detroit's talented receivers. If you're part of the Lions organization and there is a projected number 1 pick who actually wants to come play it Detroit, you leap on top of him like he's a sick gazelle... or just go with another receiver.

One Wish: That the "blame it all on Matt Millen" mantra will last through one more winless season.

2) ST. LOUIS RAMS (Record: 2-14)

Offseason Concerns: Offensive Line, WR, that new coach Steve Spagnuolo's staunch "spell my name right or you're cut" policy will leave the team decimated

Projected Pick: The Rams will likely look to shore up their front line with the second pick, and settle on the athletic OT Jason Smith out of Baylor. After the departure of veteran Orlando Pace, there is a huge hole to fill on the offensive line (as well as in the local fast food chain's revenue streams) and Smith would be the perfect fill-in at left tackle.

One Wish: That RB Steven Jackson continues to boycott all media outlets and thusly remains unaware that star NFL players can demand a trade.

3) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (Record: 2-14)

Offseason Concerns: LB, Defensive Line, that Larry Johnson is easily the most likely candidate to be this year's Plaxico Burress

Projected Pick: The Chiefs hold a hot commodity here for teams looking to trade up for a shot at Mark Sanchez (Rex Ryan may be willing to offer up Kellen Clemens and his entire extended family), but if they hold onto the pick they will likely go with LB Aaron Curry out of Wake Forest.

One Wish: *That new GM Scott Pioli's ties to the Patriots will somehow prompt New England to offer up players at a ridiculous discount rate (*Note: The Chiefs are the only team whose wish has already come true).

4) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (Record: 4-12)

Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, new coach Jim Mora's complete lack of a Mike Holmgren-esque bushy mustache leaves his upper lip dangerously exposed to the brutal Seattle elements

Projected Pick: Provided no trades have been made and he is still available, there is little doubt that the Seahawks will go after QB Mark Sanchez out of USC. Although quarterback is not their most glaring need at the moment, Seattle would love to groom the well-quaffed Sanchez as a replacement for Matt Hasselbeck, who has been suffering from nagging injuries and male pattern baldness for quite some time.

One Wish: That new WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh will be even better than he was in Cinci now that he is no longer terrified to be in close quarters with his own teammates.

5) CLEVELAND BROWNS (Record: 4-12)

Offseason Concerns: LB, WR, the danger of Brady Quinn gay jokes driving their young QB into more public slap fights

Projected Pick: Defensive tackle B.J. Raji could be the most talented player on the board at this point, but don't be shocked if the Browns decide to take a chance on touchdown machine Michael Crabtree out of Texas Tech. And seeing as how the odds of a new pair of hands for Braylon Edwards popping up on the draft board are slim to none, this might be the way to go.

One Wish: That new coach Eric Mangini can shed the "Mangina" nickname he earned in New York and return to the "Mangenius" status he so clearly never earned in the first place.

6) CINCINNATI BENGALS (Record: 4-11-1)

Offseason Concerns: Offensive line, RB, the possibility of disgruntled WR Chad Ochocinco once again changing his name, this time to Chad Getmethef*ckouttahere

Projected Pick: The Bengals will likely go with a tackle on either side of the ball with the sixth pick, looking at Andre Smith, Eugene Monroe, and Michael Oher on offense, or possibly going for B.J. Raji on D if he is still on the board. In any case, the Bengals best bet is to go with whichever player is projected least likely to immediately commit a felony upon his arrival in Cincinnati.

One Wish: That their often troubled new acquisition Tank Johnson isn't the final piece of the puzzle that will transform the city of Cincinnati into a post-apocalyptic hell not unlike Thunderdome.

7) OAKLAND RAIDERS (Record: 5-11)

Offseason Concerns: Offensive/Defensive Tackle, WR, possibility that new coach Tom Cable only took the job because Al Davis threatened to eat the souls of his children

Projected Pick: It is widely believed that the Raiders will go with WR Jeremy Maclin out of Missouri with the seventh pick. Although most have Michael Crabtree as the higher rated receiver on the board, the speed-happy Raiders will assuredly take the quicker Maclin regardless of who is available. Upon hearing the news that there is no way he'll wind up in Oakland, Michael Crabtree immediately broke down and wept for joy until he passed out soaked in his own tears.

One Wish: That Al Davis' senility level doesn't climb high enough on draft day that he demand they use their pick on The Mighty Thor: God of Thunder.

8) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (Record: 5-11)

Offseason Concerns: WR, CB, worry that they may find themselves coach-less after one of Jack Del Rio's neck veins inevitably ruptures

Projected Pick: Although they did just obtain veteran wideout Torry Holt, the absence of a coked up Matt Jones streaking downfield leaves the Jags with yet another spot open at receiver. They would love to address that with hopes that Michael Crabtree will still be available, but if not, expect them to go after a high profile tackle or linebacker.

One Wish: That for the love of God, Byron Leftwich does not manage to lead the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl.

9) GREEN BAY PACKERS (Record: 6-10)

Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, that their supposed franchise quarterback has not yet fully committed to the art of gun-slinging

Projected Pick: Expect the Packers to address their aging O-line here, taking the highest rated tackle available, and likely landing Andre Smith out of Alabama. Smith is a safe bet to go at nine, because his poor pre-draft decisions dropped him down a bit, but the NFL has collectively agreed to take him somewhere inside the top ten, under fears that the millions upon millions of dollars he has cost himself may prompt a nationally televised if he slips too far.

One Wish: *That they will not be forced to spend their Thanksgiving whipping the Lions up and down the field (*Note: The Packers are the only team whose wish has already gone unfulfilled).

10) SAN FRANCISCO 49ers (Record: 7-9)

Offseason Concerns: Offensive Line, QB, the threat of coach Mike Singletary winding up in jail after taking his pants-dropping motivational methods outside the locker room

Projected Pick: The Niners will likely take whatever they can get at this spot, going after the highest available offensive tackle. If given a choice San Fran would love to improve on their QB situation (they're really showing a shocking lack of confidence in the 3-headed monster that is Shaun Hill, Alex Smith and Damon Huard), but there is no way a top QB prospect is falling to the ten spot. Besides, even if one did, they'd just mess it all up by grilling the guy on his parents' divorce.

One Wish: That Jeff Garcia "accidentally" wanders across the bay from Oakland and makes his way onto the Niners' roster.

The Final Four in pictures

2009-04-07T22:11:00.006-04:00

Sadly, Errant Balls' favorite sporting event of the year, the NCAA Tournament, drew to a close this weekend. But on the upside, it ended with our UNC Tarheels capping their dominating tourney with a championship and once again left me fighting an impending flood of man tears while CBS rocked Luther Vandross' "One Shining Moment." Now, having still been unable to completely regain my composure, I'll recap the Final Four weekend for you fans in the best way I know how... with pretty pictures.

"Hold on, hold on. Check it out this is my favorite part, this is where he finds Nemo."

"I mean sure I'm excited, but compared to this guy in front of me? Frankly my intensity is just piss poor."

"Dead serious ref, one more blown call like that? And I'm taking this here, and going home."

"Hey! No up-the-shorts shots!"

"Maybe we'd have better luck recruiting big men if our mascot wasn't a midget Spartan."

"Holy bejesus would you look at that halftime score?!"

"My finger smells strangely like crippling defeat..."

"Hey Tyler! A sphincter says what?"

"You have quite the polished offensive game... for me to poop on!"

"Look if you're going to keep recapping your favorite scenes from The Notebook there's no way I'm making it back into this game."

"Wow Deon would it kill you to wait till after you shower to hug me? You smell like a hobo's foot."

"Haha so this is what I would look like if I was one of those famous head characters on Futurama."

"Yeah I know you haven't actually subbed me out yet coach. But I'm honestly just not that worried about it."

"Joke's on you lady, that eyes wide open look he always has on his face is called illiteracy."

"Okay so who exactly is the jackass that insisted playing at the Detroit Lions home stadium would somehow be an advantage??"

"No, no don't do it man! Look away from the scoreboard!"

"Smell my cologne! I rubbed a sample from the new issue of Sports Illustrated on myself before the game... its Pleasures For Men."

"Holy hell what is this confetti made of?! My skin is on fire!!!"

MLB 2009 predictions: American League

2009-04-01T10:55:00.008-04:00

With the 2009 MLB season set to kick off in just a few days, we couldn't leave you hanging without part 2 of our annual preview. So enjoy Errant Balls' predictions for the 2009 season, the American League...

Baltimore Orioles

After enduring yet another disappointing 90 loss season in 2009, manager Dave Trembley will learn the hard way that there is simply no room in the majors for a team with a clean-up hitter named Aubrey.

Boston Red Sox

Red Sox broadcasts will be noticeably less entertaining when commentators are forced to spend their first whole season going from "Manny being Manny" to "Jason Bay being boring and Canadian."

New York Yankees

After a wild offseason full of major spending and steroid scandals, Yankee headlines will be surprisingly dominated by newcomer Nick Swisher, whose carefree attitude and rock and roll music will teach the Bombers that winning isn't everything, and help them learn to enjoy the game again... Hank Steinbrenner will subsequently have him murdered.

Tampa Bay Rays

After dealing with a slow April start, manager Joe Maddon will be forced to explain why they sent star pitcher David Price down to the minors after he enjoyed a 1.08 ERA in spring training. Revealing a bit of his softer side, Maddon will admit he has a somewhat of a father-son relationship with Price, and that he didn't yet feel comfortable exposing the youngster to Grant Balfour's expletive ridden mound tirades.

Toronto Blue Jays

Spirits among the Blue Jays players will hit an all time low in 2009, when an investigation by Yahoo Sports reveals that the city of Toronto, which has long been pushing for an NFL franchise, is actually trading them for the Buffalo Bills.

Chicago White Sox

Upon finding themselves with a surprising division lead come September, outspoken manager Ozzie Guillen will come under fire for his comments on his starting rotation: "They really have given it their all this year, and I couldn't ask for more. I mean, I think I came up in the same draft as (Jose) Contreras and (Bartolo) Colon. But Jesus, those wrinkly old f*ckers can throw!"

Cleveland Indians

Controversy will hit the Indians locker room when notorious Major League groupie Alyssa Milano begins dating last year's Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. Upon learning this, new Indians acquisition Carl Pavano will land in hot water after making publicly disparaging remarks saying that "Cliff is more than welcome to my sloppy sevenths."

Detroit Tigers

After being cut by the Tigers late in spring training, Gary Sheffield will insist that Jim Leyland (like his other former manager Joe Torre) hates black people. In a later interview Jim Leyland will clear things up: "My decision to cut Gary was in no way racially motivated. I do however, hate loudmouth, injury-prone, douchebags who hit .225. So... there's always the possibility it was that."

Kansas City Royals

First year manager Trey Hillman says he is very excited about the Royals' strong arms on the mound this year, like Mark Redman, Sidney Ponson and Kyle Farnsworth. "With hurlers like that," Hillman said, "we should have no problem keeping up with the proud Kansas City baseball tradition in 2009." He then closed his door to the media, and could be heard softly weeping for several hours.

Minnesota Twins

Twins fans' high hopes for phenom pitcher Francisco Liriano, now two and a half years removed from Tommy John surgery, will once again be dashed when it is revealed that the doctors actually repaired the wrong arm and he is lost for the season when his left arm is blown out once again. On the upside though, upon his return in 2011 the Twins may very well find themselves armed with the league's only switch-pitcher.

Los Angeles Angels of the greater Anaheim metro-area

Trying to avoid a drop off in primal intensity after losing fiery closer Francisco Rodriguez, manager Mike Scioscia will require vocal cord surgery at the end of the year thanks to screaming like a coked up banshee each time a bullpen pitcher strikes a batter out.

Oakland Athletics

In a resurgent 2009, the A's will make their return to post-season play thanks to the acquisitions of Matt Holliday (a young Jason Giambi-like hitter) and Jason Giambi (an old Jason Giambi-looking gentleman with a mythological gold thong).

Seattle Mariners

Enthusiasm for the return of Seattle's favorite son Ken Griffey, Jr. will plunge severely when a nagging hamstring has the slugger coming out for mid- June batting practice with his trademark backwards hat and riding a Rascal.

Texas Rangers

In an attempt to recover from the hit their image took thanks to the A-Rod steroid scandal, the Rangers will elect to have former President George W. Bush throw out the first pitch on opening day. Because as plain as day, everyone knows the best way to get America back on your side is to align yourself with George W. Bush. Goooooooooo Rangers!

Check out the new film Sugar on April 3rd

2009-03-31T10:56:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I had the privilege of sitting in on an advanced screening of Sony Pictures Classics latest release, Sugar, which will hit theaters in New York and L.A. on April 3rd.

Going into the screening, I didn't expect to see anything too divergent from the standard format most sports films tend to take. Knowing it was the story of a Dominican player, Miguel "Sugar" Santos, and his journey to the states, it was fairly easy to assume this was the tale of a young man's rise from anonymity to stardom, but it was anything but.

Sugar is much less a film about baseball, and much more a film about people. As American baseball fans most of us hardly tend to take notice of the inordinate amounts of players shuffled in and out of the sport throughout college, the minor leagues, and the majors. Even more so, I think we tend to dehumanize the players involved. But Sugar goes a long way to remind us why we shouldn't. It gives a story and a face to put on the experiences that so many young men have gone through, but up until now have gone largely untold.

As baseball increasingly becomes a truly global sport (as evidenced by the solid whipping the U.S. tends to take in the WBC) more and more players are being shipped here in hopes of achieving the dream of making it big. But what is it like when they get here? Thousands and thousands of miles away from home. Struggling to assimilate to a culture they know almost nothing about. Trying to get through day to day activities while barely speaking the language. These young players are not only facing the pressure of trying to make it to the big leagues, but the pressure of everyone back at home counting on them, and perhaps most of all, the immense pressure of surviving when their world has been turned completely upside down. This film allows us to follow Miguel through the process, and to truly identify with what he is facing.

So if you like sports movies only for the times you get to see a stodgy lawyer lead a rag-tag team to the league championship, or for when a washed up quarterback helps his fellow prison inmates regain their self-respect, then Sugar might not be the movie for you. But if you are a true baseball fan, do yourself a favor and check it out. You'll get to see a film that doesn't dismiss its hero as just a player, but shows what it's like to be the person underneath the uniform. And you'll enjoy a look into part of the baseball world you'd otherwise probably never even have balked at (cheesy baseball pun aside).

MLB 2009 predictions: National League

2009-03-25T09:45:00.006-04:00

The 2009 Major League Baseball season is set for opening day in just two weeks, and what would it be without Errant Balls? Well, it'd probably still be fine. But in any case, we're happy to serve up part one of our annual tradition, so enjoy your 2009 MLB predictions...

Atlanta Braves

Unwilling to accept an Atlanta team without John Smoltz on the roster, a deliriously sad Bobby Cox will force all of his bullpen pitchers to wear strap-on beards that he personally fashioned after breaking into Smoltz's home and combing the rugs for samples.

Florida Marlins

Forget 2009, all the Marlins players care about is that they will finally have their own home when the new stadium opens in 2012. Of course, now they all have to be sure not to do anything to up their trade value lest they be gone long before then. Also, they have to remember upon its arrival to enjoy it to the fullest before the Marlins inevitably trade the stadium for five smaller, but very promising parks in 2014.

New York Mets

The Mets will break the trend of September collapses they have suffered over the last two years and make the inaugural season at Citi Field truly one to remember, as they will epically collapse by late July and turn to a desperation, mid-season trade for Aaron Heilman in an attempt to right the ship.

Philadelphia Phillies

After winning the '08 World Series, expectations of the notoriously raucous Philly fan base will be higher than ever. Legitimate panic amongst the players will set in around mid-August when a 3 game losing streak prompts the public execution of the Phillie Phanatic.

Washington Nationals

Lastings Milledge's team leading numbers in home runs and RBI's will drop significantly after the new rap single he and his often embattled teammate release entitled "Put up yo' Elijah Dukes" goes triple platinum, sweeps the Grammys, and proves to just be too much of a distraction.

Chicago Cubs

A promising start to the season for the Cubbies will take an ugly turn when the newly acquired and ill-tempered right fielder Milton Bradley strikes out, snaps his bat in half and throws it toward the dugout, severing the right hand of Rich Harden and ending his career.

Cincinnati Reds

Young star Joey Votto's season will get off to a late start when he is held by federal authorities under suspicion of involvement in several mob related murders. He will be released in mid-April and issued a formal apology when authorities realize he is Joey Votto the Canadian-born, Reds first baseman, and not in fact, Joey "The Clown" Votto of the notorious Cincinnati crime syndicate.

Houston Astros

Things will get a bit awkward in the locker room between ace Roy Oswalt and his teammates Miguel Tejada and Pudge Rodriguez when Oswalt walks in on the two drawing a giant caricature of him wearing a diaper and crying that reads: "Wahhhh, performance enhancers taint the integrity of the gaaaame!"

Milwaukee Brewers

Tragedy will strike the Brewers organization when after a wild night out on the town, the bodies of first baseman Prince Fielder and beloved mascot Bernie Brewer are discovered bloated and limp in the team locker room, killed by choking on a bear claw and alcohol poisoning respectively.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Nate McLouth, who led the Pirates in every major offensive category in 2008, will continue to be the only bright spot on the roster in '09 and live like a king in Pittsburgh. And by live like a king, we obviously mean have his pick of the ladies (that is once the field is pared down by the Steelers and Penguins... and if those who are left are willing to take his word that Pittsburgh does in fact have a baseball team and that he is an All Star).

St. Louis Cardinals

After a successfully dry off-season trying to keep out of trouble with the law, long time manager Tony LaRussa will be fired after falling off the wagon in late September and insisting that Albert Pujols hit out of the 9 spot and Rick Ankiel switch back to starting pitcher where "the baseball gods meant for him to play."

Arizona Diamondbacks

Freshly recovered from his hamstring injuries of 2008, Eric Byrnes' return will be cut short when he suffers a minor brain aneurysm in an intense pre-game Frutista Freeze chugging contest with manager Bob Melvin on opening day.

Colorado Rockies

Slugging first baseman Todd Helton's offensive numbers will hit devastating career lows in his 12th season thanks in part to the loss of his teammate Matt Holliday in the lineup, as well as the public revelation that his middle name is Lynn.

Los Angeles Dodgers

After rigorous off-season efforts to re-sign the hard hitting and enigmatic outfielder, the Dodgers worst fears will be realized when Manny Ramirez begins completely dogging it around June, in hopes of being released and allowed to follow the dream he has had since he was a just a little boy growing up in the Bronx... playing cricket.

San Diego Padres

Following the unceremonious release of closer Trevor Hoffman, and facing a likely departure of Jake Peavy, the Pads look like they're in for a rough season. But just when things look like they couldn't be worse, the team will be lifted when they remember at least their spirits aren't as low as the sales numbers for these sweet jerseys.

San Francisco Giants

A paranoid and delusional Randy Johnson will have a shaky year at best, thanks to a severe mental lapse that his him sure that creepy virtual Tim Lincecum from the MLB 2k9 commercial is out to take his spot in the starting rotation.

What they really said...

2009-03-11T10:27:00.011-04:00

Once again, in spite of a week full of compelling stories in the sports world, we as the population at large have been left with dry coverage and less than memorable quotes. So, if you're as sick of the filter that has been arbitrarily put on your sports coverage as we are then read on. Here it is, another exclusive edition of Errant Balls' "What they really said."

Dr. Marc Philippon, surgeon who performed procedure on Alex Rodriguez: "Well, Yankee fans around the country will be happy to hear that Alex's timetable for a May return in right on schedule. The arthroscopic surgery on A-Rod's hip went exactly as planned, no surprises. Well... scratch that. I wouldn't say there were no surprises. Just none regarding the injury or procedure. I was however, a bit taken aback by the tattoo on his hip that read 'A-Rod + DJ 4ever' with a heart around it. Wasn't his wife's name Cynthia?... Oh well, all I know is it was very important to him that this procedure in no way damaged his ink. So whoever this DJ character is, they must be pretty darn close to Mr. Rodriguez's heart."

Terrell Owens, on signing a 1-year, $6.5 million deal with the Buffalo Bills: "I am absolutely excited for this opportunity to play with the Buffalo Bills. I felt like the situation in Dallas had gotten way too volatile and they decided to make me the fall guy, and that was a shame. But now I have a chance to start fresh here, where I truly want to be. (Voice beginning to crack) I mean, what better place for a fitness nut like myself to go than the health mecca that is Buffalo, NY? (Lip begins to quiver) Sure, I'll have to plow 3 feet of snow daily in order to do my driveway ab routine, but that's fine. (Single tear falls from his eye) At least I am joining the proud, winning tradition of the Bills franchise... (Breaks down, now sobbing wildly) DONOVANNN!!! Take me baaaa-haaaa-aaaack!!!"

Dominican Republic manager Felipe Alou, on being ousted from the WBC by the Netherlands: "The Dominican Republic is a country with a fine baseball tradition, so I cannot lie to you today and say that it wasn't tough to be dealt an early exit by a non-baseball country like the Netherlands. There's really no excuse for what has happened. I mean, I don't even know where the Netherlands is... wasn't that where Peter Pan took Wendy to get down? Hell, I'm almost 75 years old and I was about to insert myself to pinch hit for fear that I'd never be allowed back to my home country if we suffered a second loss at the hands of Rufio and the Lost Boys. But I guess when it really comes down to it, I have to give credit where credit is due. Those freaky-deaky Dutch bastards wiped the floor with us. "

Sterling Realty Services, brokerage that ran unsuccessful auction of Michael Vick's mansion: "Let's be honest here, we can't be all that surprised in a market like this one that we're having some difficulty unloading a $3.2 million mansion. And I'm sure Mr. Vick's current status as a convicted felon isn't exactly driving up consumer desire either. But it seems a little ridiculous that no one even reached $160k, which was required just to start the bidding. It's hard to understand how we could come up so very short, even in such a poor market. In retrospect though, it may not have been the best idea to leave Mr. Vick's big-screen TV on with its closed circuit connection to his underground war room where upwards of 500 dogs died... but it was on when we got there. And I guess we may have been well served removing all of the dog skin rugs around the house, but we had planned all along to sell it 'as is'... Oh well, hindsight is 20/20."

Charles Barkley, on his weekend spent in jail for a DUI: "It wasn't as ter-ible as I expected it to be, and it had to be done. I made a mistake, and like any normal person I had to pay the price. Of course, my price was much less than that of a normal person, because of my famousity and all, but let's just say I had to pay A price. And I'm okay with that. Overall, it was pretty relaxing. They let me rock my sweet sweatsuit, which is way more flattering than those striped pajama messes. You know I can't afford to be wearin' horizontal stripes, they didn't call me the 'Round Mound of Rebound' in my playing days for nothing. And for the most part, I just sat around and read. Since my stay was so short, I was able to avoid the washroom, which helped me avoid a new nickname like the 'Round Mound of Shower Pound,' and nobody wants that. Anyway, I think I really learned my lesson and I don't ever wanna go back there. Although I must say, if I ever do, I hope that next time I at least run into Madea and can snag an autograph."

NFL off-season update

2009-03-04T09:49:00.010-05:00

The NFL off-season is in full swing with the start of free agency landing some big names in the headlines via fat new contracts, big time trades, and surprising cuts. While all of the changes can be a bit hard to follow, unemployment has blessed me with the ability to watch SportsCenter 14 hours a day, so I'm here to help. And remember, this is no fun for me. I'm gluing myself to ESPN every day for you people, so... yeah, you're welcome.

Albert Haynesworth- Possibly the biggest name (and biggest everything else for that matter) on the market signed a monster deal with the Washington Redskins worth $100 million over 7 years. The hefty defensive tackle is also slated to earn considerable bonuses each season, based of course upon how many in-division heads he is able to stomp.

Brian Dawkins- The seemingly ageless safety wanted to remain a Philadelphia Eagle, but wound up signing a 5-year deal with Denver when nothing materialized. Maybe, however, the Eagles had the right idea on this one? If I'm a GM I can't in good conscience sign anyone whose file photo looks like this to a five year deal. Then again, this is the NFL, so the Broncos can always just cut him in two years when osteoporosis has ravaged his bones.

T.J. Houshmanzadeh- The Bengals lost their most versatile receiver and perhaps their most creepy hairdo when T.J. signed a 5 year, $40 million deal to head to Seattle. All I can say is it's a good thing Jim Mora has replaced Mike Holmgren as the Seahawks head coach, because with this signing there is no telling just how disgustingly soaked in saliva Holmgren's mustache may have become from having to say Houshmanzadeh over and over.

Bart Scott- The Jets made their first big move of the Rex Ryan era, snatching Pro Bowler Bart Scott out of Baltimore with a six year, $48 million deal. The much sought after linebacker said that a late-night visit from Jets coaches really helped sway his decision, and that waking up in their team van after being chloroformed showed the Jets’ were truly committed to him.

Matt Cassel and Mike Vrable- In a deal that surprised many to say the least, the Patriots traded their valuable backup quarterback and their long time linebacker to the Chiefs for next to nothing in return. The deal has aroused suspicion around the league because it seems that the Pats could have gotten so much more, but essentially handed the players to their former buddy and current Chiefs GM Scott Pioli. In any case, I'm sure this will all be cleared up when Bill Belichick points out that they simply felt obliged to offer Pioli the standard "thanks for not outing me for cheating all those years" discount rate.

Kellen Winslow- After five rocky years with the Browns, Winslow was finally shipped out of town to Tampa Bay for undisclosed draft picks. Although an undeniable talent, Winslow couldn't seem to shake the injury bug in Cleveland, battling a bad shoulder and most recently a staph infected testicular region last year. To make matters worse his sometimes abrasive personality didn't help any with the front office. So there you have it Bucs fans, all it took was a few draft picks to land you a legitimate threat at tight end with an irritated set of balls and a bad attitude. Enjoy!

DeAngelo Hall- The Redskins were able to re-sign the big play cornerback by offering him a 6-year, $55 million contract to remain in Washington. Team owner Dan Snyder would like to extend his thanks to Al Davis, without whom the Skins never would've even landed Hall in last year's "Holy hell the Raiders are such a friggin' mess we're just going to start cutting superstars at mid-season" lottery.

Derrick Ward- The Giants lost the all important wind in their three-headed "Earth, Wind and Fire" running attack when Derrick Ward signed a 4-year, $17 million deal to join the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Earth (Brandon Jacobs) and Fire (Ahmad Bradshaw) were reportedly so devastated they spent the entire day watching old highlight montages, while stuffing their faces with Rocky Road ice cream and listening to “After the love has gone” on repeat.

Laveranues Coles- In a bit of a surprise move, the Jets cleared cap space by electing to cut long time number one receiver Laveranues Coles. While upset to be parting ways with Gang Green, with whom he has spent the majority of his career, Coles says he is looking forward to a possible reunion with former QB Chad Pennington in Miami and playing a vital part in screwing the Jets in 2009.

Plaxico Burress- While he is facing quite the daunting off-season in court, the Giants have said that if he is able to resolve his legal issues, wide receiver Plaxico Burress will be welcomed back to New York with open arms (and kevlar vests). If he in unavailable however, Big Blue will likely look to sign another big name receiver, possibly a Harris Smith, to fill the void.

Kurt Warner- Despite a fledgling interest in the 49ers it looks like Warner will likely land back in Arizona as negotiations with the Cards continue progressing. In a wise strategy, the Cardinals didn't complain a bit when their notoriously christian QB decided to visit San Francisco, and even supported him in exploring his options. And so, after only a short visit in the city with a... let's call it larger than normal Bravo Channel watching community, and an inordinate amount of dreadlocked heathens praying to the gods of their choice, Warner bolted back to Arizona, even offering the Cards a discount rate.

Jim Leonhard- Clearly picking at the remains of his former team, Jets coach Rex Ryan landed another former Raven in safety Jim Leonhard. While not a big time name, Leonhard, whose name is derived from the Gaelic word for Lionheart, should prove a valuable commodity on defense as he is able to debilitate opposing team members by shooting rays of hearts from his fluffy tummy.

Jason Taylor- Looks like the former Dancing with the Stars runner up will be taking his fancy feet elsewhere this year, as the Redskins cut the Pro Bowl defensive end after his refusal to take a pay cut. Although reluctant to drop him outright, the Skins realized their need to make room for the other geriatric former stars they'll inevitably sacrifice draft picks for in order to hold down fourth place in the NFC East.

Michael Vick- Still no foreseeable plans for Vick's NFL future, as the remaining 23 months of his sentence will be served under house arrest thanks to a lack of room in halfway houses. To me this seems too easy, I say do to him what he did to the dogs. Let him finish out his sentence on a convict filled barge, and send them out to sea where they will do battle until one is crowned king of their floating hell.
(gotta love the Simpsons)

The week in pictures

2009-02-18T12:11:00.005-05:00

It's back, every lazy reader's favorite kind of post. No thinking. No deciphering clever jokes. Just straightforward, could be easily understood by that 4 year old Chinese girl on the Microsoft commercial, pretty pictures with captions.
Enjoy!

"There's a deadly meteor on a collision course with the All-Star game?! I'll save you sweet Dwyane!"

"Yes, to answer your question... this is usually the face I made when the needle was stuck into my butt."

"Ooh a camera. Quick, you do your Schwarzenegger face and I'll do my best Bill Cosby!"

"Yeeeah Kobe, enjoy that whiff of my pre-game White Castle."

"I was a 5'7" white guy when I got into that phone booth!"

"This move brought to you courtesy of Mr. Rowdy Roddy Piper!"

An escaped mental patient gives actress Eva Longoria a scare at the All-Star festivities.

"Psst, I didn't look like this much of a douche at my press conference last year did I?"

"Purple horseshoes, red balloons, pink hearts, green athletic apparel... all part of a balanced breakfast!"

"Hold him down, hold him down! SHOE WEDGIIIIIE!!!"

"I really wish you wouldn't do this in public."
"Shhhhh, don't speak baby... just let it happen."

And every last Who in Who-ville was given a free screening for prostate cancer...

"Me pot of gold!"

Featured in next month's issue of Highlights for Kids: Can you guess which one is an NBA center?

"Steroids? He told me this was his 'coming out' party!"

"Hands up! Baby hands up! Gimme your heart, gimme gimme your heart, gimme gimme all your looove!"

An affair to forget

2009-02-11T11:28:00.011-05:00

For those of you who haven't turned on the television, radio or computer since last Saturday, we'd like to be the first to break the shocking news that star baseball player Alex Rodriguez has admitted to taking steroids. Yes, in an emotional interview on ESPN, a regretful and eerily orange A-Rod came clean about his positive drug test in 2004. Rodriguez's admission has shaken the already fragile baseball world to it's core, and left many wondering where to go from here. There are Hall of Fame voters suggesting that anyone who has ever been under suspicion for performance enhancers should never be voted into the hall. And with 103 names yet to be released along with A-Rod's, that leaves us with the chance that many of the most dominant players from the aptly named "steroid era" may essentially not exist according to baseball history.
This possibility got us thinking here at Errant Balls, about the fact that a shameful era is almost an inevitability in modern sports. With the amount of money and fame out there for the taking, eventually someone is going to go to extraordinary and possibly unethical lengths to be a part of this world. And thanks to this, we're likely to run into a forgettable time for most every sport at some point.
So just to prepare you, we will now take a look into the future, at some of the eventual eras of shame for the sports world at large...

NBA- The Flubber Epidemic
In 2012, the successful creation of flubber in a Cleveland teenager's basement will set off a sudden influx of white males under 6 feet into the NBA. The underground distribution of the materials between he and his circle of buddies will allow them to land tryouts with pro squads and find their way into the league.
While baffled scholars and sports minds alike scramble to figure out the cause of these seemingly miraculous talents, players like Rory McMillin and Jimmy Levinstein will replace LeBron James and Kobe Bryant as the faces of the league.

NFL- The "I guess we should acknowledge the steroid era," era
In 2039, a weak kneed, tiny testicled, back acne'd, 54 year old Shawne Merriman will be the spokesman for a shrunken sacked army of former players to come out in protest against the NFL's lax steroid policies.
Though Merriman had been punished for banned substances while in the league, he will point out that overall use ran rampant, and that the NFL turned a blind eye and allowed it to continue. By enabling them to habitually use substances that hadn't been tested over long periods of time, the retirees blame the NFL for the tragic and debilitating side affects like Ray Lewis' hairless tail, Joey Porter's ever expanding plethora of nipples, Kellen Winslow's forehead ear, and Terrell Owen's leaky tear ducts (although that last one may not be completely attributed to steroids).

MLB- The NyQuil Project
In an effort to cure the league of the steroid issue permanently, commissioner Bud Selig will suggest a radical method of leveling the playing field for the 2009 season.
After releasing the other 103 names from the positive steroid tests in '04, Selig will invoke "The NyQuil Rule." Stating simply that, if you are one of the players named on the list, you must participate in every single game of the '09 season, and must take twice the recommended dose of NyQuil 5 minutes prior to taking the field.
The initial intrigue will cause a spike in television ratings, but the subsequent string of horrific injuries and nationally broadcast blood loss will eventually lead to Selig's Nixon-like, forced resignation.

NHL- Don't forget to remember us!
Seeing as how everyone has already forgotten about the them, Gary Bettman and the brain trust that have run the league into the ground will make one last ditch effort to revive the floundering NHL in 2015.
Now relegated to the Bravo Channel, NHL games will feature an assortment of fancy gimmicks to keep the fans entertained:
- The return of the always popular and completely necessary glowing puck
- Each team is allowed 7 skaters on the ice at a time, one wielding a concealed blade
- Goalies can no longer wear cups, and a shot to the beans is worth 2 goals
- Player fights will be banned, but if at any point two players disagree, their respective coaches must come onto the ice and bare-knuckle box one another
The attempts to save the league will fail miserably, and the final Stanley Cup ceremony will feature the live, mid-ice sacrifice of Gary Bettman, followed by the ceremonial drinking of his blood from the cup.

What they really said...

2009-02-04T11:54:00.008-05:00

Too many times in sports, we as the fans get a raw deal on what we're told. We get to hear what the players and coaches have to say, but in a censored version. What they say on TV or in an article isn't necessarily what they really say behind closed doors.
Lucky for you though, Errant Balls was able to obtain an all-access pass to last week's biggest events and happenings in sports (because that's the kind of thing you can obtain fairly easily in fake journalism). We got to conduct private interviews and attend private tapings under the guise that they wouldn't be shared with the public. But thanks to our complete lack of any standing credibility, we can share them with you anyway! So for your reading enjoyment, here is another installment of "What they really said."

A-Rod isn't even bothered by the whole A-Fraud mess
"Look, I'm sure Joe Torre had his reasons for saying what he said. Maybe it was money, maybe it was attention, maybe it's his irrepressible jealousy that I have killer pecs and he's sporting saggy, sandbag man-boobies. Who knows? The bottom line is I know my teammates, and I know the relationships I have with them. Whatever they call me I don't care, it's all in good fun. They can call me A-Rod, or A-Fraud, or A-close personal friend of Derek Jeter's. It really doesn't matter to me... although I am somewhat partial to that last one if you want to use it."

Michael Phelps on his infamous bong photo
"I regrettably admit the person in that photo was, in fact, me. I have let down my family, friends, and fans around the world by acting in a youthful and inappropriate manner. When it comes down to it I guess it all goes back to who I surround myself with. I mean, being that I am a swimmer, I've had some bad influences over my shoulder for quite sometime now. Every time I go to the pool he's all 'Don't forget to bring me.' And every time I get out of the pool all wet he's like 'Don't forget to use me.' And every time five minutes passes he's all like 'You wanna get high?'. So learn from me young swimmers, beware of this shady character (File Photo here). Don't get caught up like I did. Dope is for dopes!"

Roger Clemens on the publicizing of his hot ball liniment and tainted syringes
"Who among you can say you have never had blazing hot liniment rubbed on your testicles by another man? And which of you can step down off your pedestal and admit he has received mystery injections in his buttocks. So I will ask this of the good people of the jury at my inevitable perjury trial: 'Could not a DNA sample have been unknowingly obtained from my ass cheek, whilst I was distracted by the unimaginable, scorching pain in my ball bag?'... I rest my case."

Barry Bonds on his pee testing positive for steroids
"They still have my piss test from 2003?! Ewwwwwww. Where the hell have they been keeping these things? Is there some kind of secret government pee silo that stores all of the athlete's tests from the last ten years or something? Because if so, I may just have to indict you U.S. government, on charges of being gross and creepy in the 1st degree."

Santonio Holmes on being the Super Bowl MVP
"It really means the world to me. How it feels to know that a kid like me who grew up selling drugs on the streets could change his life so drastically and make the winning catch in an amazing Super Bowl is indescribable. And what am I gonna do now? Well I know I said it on the commercial but I'm sure as hell not going to Disney World. And you know what else I'm not going to do? I'm not gonna parlay my Super Bowl hero status into a self-inflicted gun wound and public humiliation next season. None of that. I'm just gonna head home, dial up my boys Towelie and Phelps and party it up with my very own 'chronic end zone' grass!"

The missing 2 minutes of the "Joe Torre on Larry King Live" transcript
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.
Joe: Great to be here Larry.
Larry: Huh?
Joe: I said great to be here.
Larry: No, I didn't forget to take my pills!
Joe: What?
Larry: You heard it here first folks, Joe Torre is an admitted Anti-Semite!
(Bottom of the screen reads: Torre: "I can't stand Jews.")
Joe (confused): What the hell is this?!
Larry: So what put this hate in your heart Joe? What exactly did the Jews ever do to you?
Joe (to producer): What is going on here?! Is he okay?
(Producer runs on set, tilts Larry's head back and shoves a handful of pills down his throat)
(Long pause)
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book "The Yankee Years." Joe, great to have you.
Joe: ..........

Guide to the utimate '09 Super Bowl party

2009-01-27T15:54:00.017-05:00

Every year you attend the same old Super Bowl parties, with the same old fix-ins and the same old betting pools. And there is no reason this year looks to be any different. And as for the game, I mean, we're talking about the Steelers vs. the Cardinals... so how many of us actually care who wins anyway? Let's be honest, you're essentially there for the beer, food, and commercials, so why not mix things up a bit to make it more interesting? If you're looking to make this year's event bigger and better than ever, read on for Errant Balls' guide to making your '09 Super Bowl bash a party to remember.

Ben Roethlis-mini-burgers: Eat these mediocre treats while they're hot, because like Ben they're only just good enough not to cause you to lose it (see: Super Bowl XL).

The "Don't be that guy" Room: Set up a separate room in the house decorated floor to ceiling with Ricky Martin posters, stocked only with a warm six-pack of Zima, a Greek salad, and a 13" black and white TV for the purpose of exiling anyone who shows up wearing the jersey of a team that is not in the Super Bowl.

Kurt Warner's Holy-hot wings: Make your buffalo wings so spicy that your guests will think they see God. Whoever mows down the most without puking gets to wear the honorary strap on Warner-stubble for the remainder of the game.

Madden Audibles: Take a few healthy gulp of beer each time John Madden says something you cannot understand for the life of you, this should guarantee you a steady, game-long buzz.

Challenge on the Field: Fashion challenge flags for each of your guests using red fabric, dried rice and rubber bands. If at any time a guest would like anything (the last cocktail weenie, a fresh beer, a back rub) they can throw their challenge flag, but it must hit another party-goer in the face. If their flag flies true they must be obliged, but should it miss, they lose their challenge for the night and the extra flag is awarded to their intended target.

Born to Run (to the bathroom): Take a shot of tequila for every time Bruce Springsteen grimaces like he's trying to crap out a pineapple during the Super Bowl Halftime Show (not advised for those who are driving).

Troy Guaca-malu: Enjoy this delicious and classic avocado Super Bowl standard... just watch out for 24-inch long black, curly hairs hidden inside!

Sports Lingo Bingo: Make up bingo boards for each of your guests with a random combination of contrived sports vocabulary filling the board (some helpful suggestions for this year are oft heard sayings like ball-hawk, sneaky fast, in the trenches, something to prove, road to the Super Bowl, pick-6, pay dirt, class act, etc.)... first to 5 in a row gets to take home all of the leftovers!

Shotgun Slap: If at any point it is determined by all other party-goers that a guest is forcibly over-laughing at a commercial that does not justify it, said guest must either shotgun a beer or be subject to one face slap by the largest handed person in the room.

Jell-O Jigglers: Each time NBC cuts to a shot of the announcers in the booth and any one of John Madden's chins visibly jiggles... Jell-O shots all around!

Inauguration Balls

2009-01-21T10:37:00.008-05:00

Yesterday marked one of the most historic days in our great country's short existence, as Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. Obama represents great change not only in that he is the first African American elected to office, but that he preaches change as the solution to getting ourselves back on track as a nation. All this talk of history and change got us thinking, because this year is slated to be quite a historical year in sports as well. So here is a rundown of some of the reasons 2009 will go down in sports history as the year of great change.

- As the New York Yankees move across the street to their new stadium, 2009 will be the first season in 85 years that the Bombers don't call "The House that Ruth built" their home. The inaugural season of the new Yankee Stadium will mark the beginning of a new era in "The House that questionable public funding and the Hard Rock Cafe built."

- The Globalization of the NBA continues, as Portland Trail Blazers rookie Rudy Fernandez becomes the first Spanish player to take part in the Dunk Contest. However, the first timer will lose out to another historic precedent, when Dwight Howard raises the hoop to 12 feet, puts on a Batman cape, and dunks Nate Robinson to take home his second trophy in as many years.

- The Detroit Lions will post an unheralded turnaround when they follow up their 0-16 season with a 16-0 run under the poised leadership of Matt Cassell. While back in New England, Tom Brady will be divorced, 50 lbs. overweight, and forced out of town by year's end.

- Thanks to their new home, Mets fans will finally go into a season with the correct, but altogether devastating expectations, as walking into a stadium named after Citibank will teach the Flushing faithful to accept the impending and unavoidable doom that lay ahead.

-In an effort to clear cap space for the 2010 free agent class and also secure the team a high draft pick, New York Knicks president Donnie Walsh makes an unprecedented move, cutting the post All-Star roster to only one player. The plan will backfire as David Lee's constant hustle and scrappy play leads the Knicks to the playoffs.

- The arrogance of winning a World Series will turn Phillies' fans more vigilant and ruthless than ever before, as they will ritually sacrifice kittens following each 2009 loss... and win.

- Imaginationland will cease to exist as the 2009 Boston Celtics fail to repeat as NBA Champions, causing little Kevin Garnett to stop believing that ANYTHING IS POSSSSIBBBBBBBLE!!!!

- The Arizona Cardinals have already made history by earning their first ever trip to the Super Bowl in 2009, and if they win?... Well let's just say we won't have to worry much about 2010, Scott Boras and the cockroaches will be the only ones left to deal with that hot mess.

NFL Conference Championship predictions

2009-01-14T13:27:00.011-05:00

Each year, when the NFL playoffs come around, Errant Balls makes a feeble attempt at actually predicting what is going to happen and who is going to win. But not this year, not in 2009. The passing of 2008 marked an historic time for Errant Balls, a time in which we vowed to stick to what we do best, good old fashioned juvenile stupidity. So feel free to soak in all of these inane and completely ludicrous predictions for the big games this weekend... just don't place your bets on them!

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Philadelphia Eagles @ Arizona Cardinals
- Donovan McNabb will once again be penalized for his antics on the other team's sideline, after he uses a Cardinals bench player's helmet as a vomit receptacle.

- In an effort to slow the thus far unstoppable Larry Fitzgerald, the Eagles will use their entire secondary to shadow him every play, ignoring all other Cardinal receivers. Fitzgerald will finish with 2 TD's and 183 yards on six catches, one of which he'll make with his dreadlocks.

- The Cardinals coaching staff will motivate Edgerrin James by further demoting him to pregame shoe shiner and keying his car. He will run for 109 yards in the first half alone.

- The Eagles' second half ground attack will suffer a huge blow when Andy Reid's fiery and animated halftime speech causes his fat-belt to snap off, sending it flying violently through the air and decapitating Brian Westbrook.

- DeSean Jackson will ultimately blow the game for Philly after he throws a would be touchdown reception into the stands around the 15 yard line.

- Kurt Warner will creep out a sideline reporter with an overly-religious postgame speech in which he breaks out his Buddy Christ figure and forces them to sing with him (you can probably safely place a bet on this one).

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers
- Ben Roethlisberger's remarkable toughness will once again shine when he is sacked 7 times in the first half and still refuses to just release the ball earlier.

- Pittsburgh will fall behind early thanks to the late arrival of Coach Mike Tomlin forcing actor Omar Epps to fill in at coach for the first quarter.

- Ravens safety Ed Reed will take his "ball-hawking" to the next level when he intercepts a pass, returns it for a TD, rips the leather off the ball with his fingernails and eats the remains.

- Ravens LB Ray Lewis will cause someone in the Pittsburgh area to wet their pants (again, this one might be a safe bet as well).

- During what initially appears to be a routine sack, Troy Polamalu's hair will become so severely entangled in Joe Flacco's unibrow that a team of paramedics and barbers will be forced to the field.

The week in NFL playoff pictures

2009-01-07T15:17:00.003-05:00

After a lovely holiday break filled with traditions like exchanging gifts, sharing fond family memories, and binge drinking, Errant Balls makes its triumphant premiere in 2009. And in recognition of the misery and complete lack of motivation that marks the return to normalcy from holiday fun, we come to you in the easiest form possible... one liner jokes that link to pretty pictures. Enjoy you lazy simpletons!

"Do you think the refs will consider an inter-team Conga line a form of choreographed celebration?"

"How can I be expected to concentrate on football when we are destroying mother Earth? When the hell was the last time someone checked the pH in this soil? It is indefensibly dry for this region! We've got to go green people!!!"

"And for winning player of the game honors they gave me this giant novelty helmet! It's funny, because it's bigger than a normal helmet..."

"If we're going to lose anyway the least I can do is entertain the fans with some good, old fashioned break dancing."

"Awww yeah this Naughty By Nature track is my jam! Hip hop hooorayyy, hooooo, heyyyyy, hoooo."

"Daddy, I think we might have mixed up our shirts before we left the hotel this morning..."

"Had I known all I had to do to be included in the game plan was to publicly say how badly I wanted to get the hell outta here I woulda said in week 1!"

"Okay now let's just toss his little ass through the uprights for the extra point."

"John Harbaugh come on dowwwwwn, you're the next contestant on The Price is Right!"

"Damn, between my sweet stubble and this super stylish quadruple XL one-sie I am looking pretty friggin' bad ass."

"Well, on the bright side at least I didn't commit this season's MOST memorable gun crime."

"Son of a bitch. I knew it was only a matter of time before I channeled my inner Jet."

"Well, this is over. Might as well get a head start on the Classifieds now."

"What the hell do you mean I'm no longer eligible for the Heisman?!"

"Yeah that's right, Hootie's back baby. Except now I only come out for Dolphins' playoff games or the Burger King chicken bacon ranch."

Deck the halls with Errant Balls

2008-12-17T11:47:00.018-05:00

The Christmas season is officially upon us. Snow is falling, children are laughing, and rabid parents are stomping one another at the local malls to get their hands on the latest Rainbow Bright or He-Man dolls, or whatever it is the kids are playing with these days.
Something us regular folk often forget though, is that famous sports figures are people too, and that yes, even they have Christmas wishes. Lucky for you readers, Errant Balls sent out a survey to find out exactly what those wishes were, and got some very interesting responses.

Dick Enberg - sportscaster/Celebrator of all things Favre
1. Brett Favre authentic game jersey
2. Brett Favre coin collection
3. Pair of Brett Favre game used underpants to wear on my head during candlelight tributes to my Brett Favre hair doll.

Bill Belichick - Patriots coach/Bastard
1. New digital camcorder
2. To find the son of a bitch who's been cutting the sleeves off all my hoodies
3. Your mother

Kevin Garnett - Boston Celtics forward/Intense enough to make you pee your pants
1. A looser jersey apparently
2. The heads of all who oppose him for a trophy room
3. To win a 2nd championship and ride off on a unicorn (Anything is possibbbbbllle!!!!)

Eli Manning - NY Giants QB/True believer
1. Another Super Bowl ring
2. To finally see my wife's boobies
3. The new Hess Truck (I hear it's back and it's better than ever!)

CC Sabathia - NY Yankee pitcher/Scrooge McDuck rich
1. A ridiculous contract
2. Hahahahahahahaha
3. N/A

Terrell Owens - Dallas Cowboys WR/Self proclaimed media villian
1. One year's supply of popcorn
2. Yoga mat for driveway crunches
3. An invite to Tony and Jason's secret club meetings

Plaxico Burress - NY Giants WR/Self mutilator
1. Hand gun permit
2. Self-suture kit
3. A very special car

Dick Vitale - Beloved sportscaster/Raging psychopath
1. Hair plugs
2. A UNC/Duke game EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR BABYYYYY!!! (Coughs, grabs chest, collapses)
3. Defibrillator

The biggest reasons to love the NFL in '08

2008-12-09T21:21:00.028-05:00

After a short hiatus to focus on finding an actual paying job (I know, what kind of blogger talk is that?), Errant Balls is back! And have no fear, the search will no longer interfere with my weekly posts... because I've given up. So while I still have a computer and have not yet been forced into legitimate bummery, enjoy the biggest reasons I have loved the NFL so far in 2008.

The Manning Paradigm Shift

A year and a half ago, if you argued that you would honestly prefer Eli Manning as your quarterback over his brother Peyton, John Madden would have hunted you down and crapped in your cereal. We have always known Peyton as the golden boy, and Eli as, well... this. But in 2008? Not so.

Thanks to Eli and the Giants miraculous Super Bowl win, and their continued dominance this season, the argument for the better Manning is no longer such a simple one to solve (not even the good people at Nabisco could nail it down). Peyton still dominates the endorsement racket with an iron fist and a laser, rocket arm, but his Colts have looked unusually beatable this year and he has hardly approached the flashy offensive statistics we're used to.

Bottom line, 2008 has brought us an argument we'd never thought we'd see. So feel free to fight for whichever side you believe in, they're both legit. And if you're expecting to have John Madden crap in your cereal, you'll have to earn it the same way the rest of us do... by publicly endorsing the genius of Frank TV.

Just Say No to Diuretics

You've got to love this scandal that has popped up about an illegal substance that players didn't know was in a suppliment, but the league knew, but decided not to tell them, and didn't put the suppliment on their banned list, and let the players take it, and now apparently is forced to stringently adhere to its banned substances rules. Wait.... what?

Since when is the NFL such a staunch opponent of "banned substances"? I don't see anyone up in arms questioning how a mid-thirties Ray Lewis is suddenly playing like a coked up bull again. And why, if they knew this product contained a banned substance, would they not inform players? Now we've got ongoing court cases outside of the league to determine whether or not players, some on possible playoff teams (sorry Vikings, but this is karma for all the raping and pillaging your people did), could justifiably be suspended for the remainder of the season.

If the NFL is so worried about mystery performance enhancers, they may want to take a closer look at those 5 Hour Energy shots. At 4 bucks a pop they taste like donkey urine and have rendered Braylon Edwards' unable to catch a football. Now that's a real concern.

Plaxico Bullets
What can I say that hasn't already been said about this gem of a story? The Giants all pro wideout has provided the sports world at large with one of the most hilarious and retarded injury stories in recent history, and all I can really say.... is thank you.

Now all that's left to be offered is advice for those athletes who could potentially make the same mistakes. It won't be nearly as priceless the second time around, so here are a few hot tips to avoid this kind of trouble...

- Just because Jay Z makes your sweatpants doesn't mean they meet gun-toting regulations: Sweatpants can hardly be trusted to safely secure your chap stick. So be sure to wear proper, holster equipped legwear at all times when carrying your loaded firearm into a club.
- "Bleeding good in the neighborhood" is probably not the best alibi: If you are a major sports figure in the biggest media town in the world, just suck it up and admit what happened. Going to a hospital and telling them your name is Harris Smith, and that you were shot at a local Applebee's only adds to the ridicule you will already fall victim to. Please, limit your critics material. And if you're absolutely intent on taking a chance with a lie, at least have some riblets in a to-go container to solidify your story.

- Learn from Cheddar Bob: Remember your reaction when that kid accidentally shot himself in 8 Mile? Now picture the entire world having that exact same reaction about you... yeah, just leave the gun at home.

Honorable Mentions

- The auto industry crisis isn't nearly the worst thing happening to Detroit: The Lions are so laughably horrible I actually wondered if Dan Orlovsky purposely ran out of his own endzone in hopes of at least salvaging a clip on Dick Clark's blooper special from this season. And talk about throwing a guy under the bus, how could they so heartlessly pin this on Matt Millen after allowing him only 7 years to completely decimate the franchise?

- Will Pennington shoot down the Jets?: The noodle armed, baby faced quarterback was shamelessly cast aside by the Jets to make room for the cannon armed, all-that-is-man Brett Favre this offseason. Now the supposedly hapless Dolphins are part of the 3-way tie for the lead atop the AFC East and Pennington is an MVP candidate. So if the Fins pull off a miracle and make it to the postseason, does Chad inherit Brett's soul like in the Highlander movies? We'll know that for sure if the '09 Pennington sheds tears at every post-game press conference and dons suddenly omnipresent beard stubble.

- Dallas: The Reunion Show: There is simply no denying the intrigue and drama that is stirring up once again in '08 for America's Team. They came into the season Super Bowl favorites, now going into week 15, the 'Boys are clinging to the last playoff spot in the NFC. Suddenly, putty-faced owner Jerry Jones takes issue with his running back not toughing it out through a pinky toe injury, but has no problem with his quarterback sitting out with a pinky finger injury. Has such a blatant case of pinky-bigotry ever been witnessed?

Plus, I heard T.O. is sleeping with Jessica and that DeMarcus Ware helped deliver their bastard love child backstage at the American Music Awards.

A column for change

2008-11-04T22:11:00.024-05:00

As you may or may not have heard, apparently we are in a time of change. Last night Senator Barack Obama was victorious in one of the most historic Presidential elections in our nation's history. The President elect rode a platform built on the promises of the change we need. He is young, he is the first African American elected to this office, he is charismatic, and evidently he is looking to shake things up. But most important to Errant Balls, he told Chris Berman he'd like to change the college football BCS to an 8-team playoff... now that is a candidate we can endorse! He clearly has his finger on the nation's most pressing issues, so in honor of his election, here are the rest of the big changes coming down in the sports world this past week.

- After the Phillies won the World Series, Philadelphia officially earned the right to call itself the City of Champions for the first time in over 20 years. Hopefully this change in fortune will bring about some similarly positive changes in the way Philly sports fans choose to celebrate. Maybe the traditional booing of beloved holiday icons will be replaced merry rejoicing, and maybe the ritual beat down of fans in visiting team jerseys (regardless of age or sex) will be replaced by, I don't know... the wave?

- In the first blockbuster trade of the NBA season, perennial All-Star Allen Iverson was traded to the Detroit Pistons. While this is a big change for the Pistons this year, who have evidently gone from the most team-based mentality in the league to the "let's sign a guy who takes more shots than our whole team combined" mentality, the real change could come 2 years down the road. Many say this is a veiled attempt at freeing up the cap space necessary to make a push for LeBron James in 2010. But really, convincing the biggest star in the sport to leave his unhappiness behind in Cleveland and come play in Detroit? That's like ditching the let downs of the Econo Lodge for the luxuries of a Super 8...

- The hot stove of the MLB free agent market is beginning to heat up, and many big names can be expected to change teams this offseason. The biggest name perhaps, being Manny Ramirez. Will LA be able to re-sign him? Or will we see the famous Manny doo rag and filthy braids combo in yet another color next year? One thing is for sure, his agent Scott Boras had better keep an extremely close eye on Ramirez at all times in the negotiating process. Otherwise, he could turn around to see his precarious client eating the orange crayon he just used to sign a 6-year contract that pays him in pogs and non-toxic paste to play for the Kansas City Royals.

- Rather than allowing him to play, buying him out, trading him, or waiving him, the Knicks have elected to take a different approach with beleaguered guard Stephon Marbury; pay him $21.9 million to sit on the sidelines. In an effort to alleviate the awkwardness of having him sitting at the end of their bench though, the likely next step will be a $5 million bonus for him to position himself discreetly amongst the crowd during games.

- In a move that head coach Romeo Crennel insists was not spurred on by the vicious booing of Cleveland fans, untested quarterback Brady Quinn will finally make his first NFL start on Thursday with only one day of practice to prepare. Crennel elected to make the change after Derek Anderson and the Browns dreadful collapse that led to a 37-27 loss to the Ravens last Sunday. Browns center Hank Fraley was the first to publicly discredit the move, which was likely a product of being less than thrilled with the thought of this guy being directly behind him so often.

- Are the Yankees changing their ways? In yet another move trending away from the huge free agent spending in the organization's recent past, the Bombers declined to pick up the options of two such players, Jason Giambi and Carl Pavano. With the first base slugger and the pitcher who had impressed them so much as an opponent failing to pan out though, it seems the Yankees may have learned some valuable lessons. Plus, with the cap space freed up in their absence the Yanks will now be able to throw their hat in the ring for Mark Teixeira, CC Sabathia*, and Jake Peavy. (* It is unlikely however, that the Yankees will be able to match the Brewers offer to Sabathia for his choice of the racing sausages on a hoagie roll, so might as well just make that A.J. Burnett).

- It seems as though the Dan Orlovsky era is over in Detroit, as retired quarterback Daunte Culpepper has evidently changed his mind about retirement (and self respect), and has signed a contract to play for the Lions. The former Viking, who had one of the game's most prolific seasons only 3 years ago, could start for the bumbling Lions as early as this Sunday. As head coach Rod Marinelli put it: "We didn't even bother to tell our last quarterback that you're not allowed to run out the back of your own endzone... So no, we aren't stressing too hard about Daunte's lack of preparation coming in."

- For the first time in 17 years, the New Jersey Devils will be forced to man the crease with someone other than the greatest goalie of all time. Martin Brodeur suffered the first major injury of his historic and enduring career, and will miss 3-4 months of time after undergoing surgery to repair his injured elbow. In the mean time the Devils will now likely turn to backup Kevin Weekes to be their first, new everday starter since Brodeur made his career debut on the same night as the series finale of 21 Jump Street.

- In the face of so many changes, I'd like to close with the comfort of one thing that remains constant in our sports loving lives: John Daly's continued attempts at making changes are still failing miserably... and hilariously. The Chris Farley of the PGA was picked up by police at a Hooters restaurant in North Carolina last week after he appeared "intoxicated and uncooperative." The oft-troubled golfer was held by police overnight to sober up, as he had arrived with a touring group and had no means of transportation (Just as an aside: If you are a Hooters waitress and see John Daly arrive at your establishment in a party bus, is it the equivalent of watching this approach Tokyo?) His explanation? "They called 911 because I was sleeping with my eyes open and they thought I was dead." Wow. I've got nothing on that John... we love you.

The week in photo captions you didn't see

2008-10-29T10:25:00.007-04:00

It's 1:41pm and you have already officially thrown in the towel on doing anything productive with the rest of your afternoon at work. So naturally, rather than finding some way to build up your motivation, you turn to the savior that is the world wide interwebs to pass the devastating time that remains until the day is through. The only problem is, even surfing the internet has become a daunting task for the uber-sluggish members of the modern work world. All of that clicking and typing only to come across something that actually excites you every 10 to 20 minutes? Please, don't remind me.
Well have no fear, because here at Errant Balls we understand the plight of the idle, fruitless employee (as evidenced by the fact that this is being posted while at work on a Wednesday morning). So we bring it all to you here in one place. All of the most exciting photos of the past week in sports with the real captions that will melt your time away. Just click, and enjoy...

"Here, you throw this. I hear my cellie blowin' up on the sideline and I'm pretty sure it's that call I've been expecting from the Bears GM."

"Needless to say, our 401k was only worth $37.50."

"It's okay to cry Brad. I don't think you're too old!"

"Yes, yes I am here. Now sportscasters everywhere shower me with clever Jesus Shuttlesworth references!"

"Ummm, I think I'm gonna need a little help getting Jimmy out of the infield."

"Yeah that's her! That's the sideline reporter that I'm not supposed to be 'within 50 yards' of!"

"I am NOT losing to the Rams. Okay make the offer, 10k to each ref if they don't call a single penalty on us."

"Look, I don't know what you people want to hear from me. I'm only halfway through the book here myself."

"What do I have to do? Go wrist deep for you to make the right call?!"

"Okay, okay man. Be cool. We all know you're better than me, you can have the damn armrest."

"I swear on my mother. I don't know what you saw on TV but we are the only ones here!"

"Being 0-8 just gives us more reasons to devote extra practice time to our audition routine for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew."

"Well, in my day we played the game like it was meant to be played and only the gays wore headbands!"

"Bunch of birds got into that open Taco Bell truck behind the stadium... I'd be careful, it's getting pretty ugly out there."

"GRENNNNAAAAAAAADE!"

"You heard the guys from the center for disease control, no more high fives until we get this whole staph infection mess under control. Let's go to the mid-air ass bump!"

"You are a mediocre fan at best and all you care about is yourself! You know, we'd all be a lot better off if you'd just get the hell outta here and hit the showers!"

"Stupid friggin hat! I didn't even hear him hit the ball!"

"I don't care how many people are watching we shouldn't have to hide our love any longer!!!"

"What? You think you're better than me with all of that fancy hair and your precious eyebrows?"

"AHHH! Got me right in the God damn bursa sac!"

"Dude, our flight over here from San Diego was like 86 hours. I'm seriously stuck in this position."

"That's what I have to say to sticking around Cleveland any longer than I have to."

"I'm winning with the Dolphins! I am ALL that is MAN!!!... Even in teal and orange!"

"You're offensive line may hate you Ben, but I'll be your BFF."

"Ahh my foot! Someone get me a hot bath of Epsom salts and the DVD box set of Murder She Wrote stat!"

"I didn't truly believe I had what it takes to be the starter until Larry Johnson spat that drink in my face and told me he'd kill me... thanks for the kick in the pants I needed LJ, you're a good friend."

"Don't feel too bad Vince. At least coach didn't give you Mike Golic's number and a NutriSystem brochure."

Championship showdown

2008-10-21T20:29:00.024-04:00

Errant Balls brings you the point by point breakdown of both teams in the upcoming World Series. So before you choose sides, check out our detailed analysis of what really matters heading into the fall classic.

Nickname - Phillies
What exactly is a Phillie? I can't imagine some intellectual braintrust toiled for weeks on end coming up with this gem. The Philadelphia Phillies is on par with the Houston Texans for the least creative nickname in all of sports. Do you think anyone would really fear the Red Sox if they were called the Boston Massachusites? Don't bother, the answer in no. That's strike one Phillies.

Mascot - Phillie Phanatic
It's hard to say what exactly the Phanatic is, he seems as though he may be the progeny of some horribly mixed up muppet orgy. In any case I don't know what the hell it's supposed to be... but I like it. The Phanatic not only touts the reputation of being one of the most well known mascots in all of sports, but he is also a bonified badass. Look into his eyes. You know what that look says?
"Don't cross me man... you don't know what I'm capable of..." Even the cops know you can't be too careful when it comes to this rebel full of wild-eyed Philly pride.

Team superstition - Rubber Ducky
The Phillies have figured out the secret of how to stay relaxed amidst the crushing pressure of the World Series... rubber duckies in everyone's locker. Evidently this is a reference to the old saying "Get the rubber duck out of your butt." Now I'm not sure if it's just me here, but I have never heard anyone say that in my entire life. I've heard "get the stick out of your ass," but then again, I can see how putting sticks in each player's locker may not have translated either. All in all... kind of a lame attempt at team unity.
A room full of grown men that each have their own rubber ducky? This doesn't say easy going baseball team, but it screams N.A.M.B.L.A. meeting. No good.

Celebrity fan - David Boreanaz?
I don't know that this even counts, but it's all I could find after scouring the interwebs to find out who was the most famous Phillies fan. So while he may not be as high profile as the Yanks' Billy Crystal or Boston's Stephen King, he is technically famous, and he'll have to do.
You may recognize him from Fox's "hit" show Bones, but that is based on the assumption that you have at some point been the victim of forced audio-visual torture sessions. It is more likely though, that you remember our friend David as the unkillable-but-loveable-heartthrob-of-a-bloodsucker Angel, from his days on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (take a moment to scoff dismissively as though you didn't watch it... now look around cautiously to see that no one is paying attention... and proceed to squeal for joy at the thought of catching up with the box set of DVD's as soon as you get home).
So it's true that he's not the most notable of celebrity fans. But hey, it could be a lot worse.

Karmic hindrance sure to haunt them - Brett Myers
Does it seem strange to anyone else that while an entire city is cheering wildly for the scrappy at bats and big-game mound presence of a veteran pitcher, they are quietly brushing aside the whole domestic battery thing? For each unlikely hit he picks up are we allowed to just forget each smack he laid down? I know the Philly fan base doesn't exactly have the reputation for being the most warm-hearted, but even the media is giving this guy a free pass as they shower him with praise.
To be fair though the events of that night were alleged, and I am as hesitant as the rest of you to just blindly believe that this seemingly timid gentleman would engage in such deplorable behavior.

Nickname - Rays
With their brand new, non-Satan related nickname the organization has seemingly closed the book on one of the most unsuccessful runs in sports franchise history. So you already have to like how positively their nickname has affected them.
They adopted what I like to call the Incredible Hulk approach, copying the success Marvel Studios had when it slightly changed the name of an unwatchable turd of a movie they'd already made, did it all over, and pretended as though the first one never even happened.
Devil Rays? Why sir... I have no idea what you're talking about.

Mascot - Raymond
Like his counterpart the Phillie Phanatic, Raymond also falls into the great litany of mascots that are completely nonsensical and totally unexplainable beings. From what I can gather he seems to be what Falcor the Luck Dragon from The Neverending Story would look like if he put on a baseball cap and then sneezed his brains out.
In any case though, I still like what he brings to the table. Forget having a mascot that actually represents your team name, that is so cliche . Just throw a jersey on the thing you pulled out of your clogged vacuum and let him dance on the dugouts all night long!

Team superstition - The Rayhawk
What says team unity more than looking like unemployable, bring-down-the-man, fight for your right to party punks together? Nothing my friends, that's what. It's way more hip than the overdone playoff beard. And it's way more hardcore seeing a stadium full of these people, than it is bestowing your playoff hopes on some poor helpless animal.
The Rays have already established it, they're the too cool to care younger brother of the rest of the Major Leagues. And after they win the World Series... they're going to take the car without permission, smash the mailboxes of established veterans, toilet paper old man Selig's place, and swing by Jeanne Zelasko's house to show her what's what.

Celebrity fan- Dick Vitale
Say what you want about Dicky V., but you can't ever call him a fair weather fan. The inimitable Mr. Vitale has held Rays season tickets since their inception, and now that they're actually winning... he's losing his friggin' mind BABYYY!! As evidenced by his gleeful dancing during game 7 of the ALCS, Dick is either ecstatic to see the Rays finally succeeding, or he is trying desperately to fend off an attacker just out of the frame. Either way, he's there, and he is making his presence felt.
And if you're the Rays, you've got to like the advantage of having the loudest mouth in broadcasting on your side. Just sit his ass directly behind the 3rd base dugout and watch as he systematically dismantles the collective psyche of the Phillies with an unstoppable barrage of inane catch phrases and carelessly frivolous alliteration!

Karmic hindrance sure to haunt them - Steve Irwin
I'm sorry to bring it up, but it had to be said. For as loveable as the 2008 Rays are, we cannot forget just how deadly they can be. Not long ago one of television's most beloved and entertaining personalities was taken from us too young at the hands (barb) of a Ray. The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin's tragic death was a sobering reminder that even what we believe in the most can suddenly turn on us in an instant.
When it comes to sports we all love to see a good Cinderella story, but the Rays and their fans must be wary. They have made it all the way to the World Series on an improbable and seemingly unbreakable wave of success, but pride can be a dangerous thing. And if they're not too careful, by this time next week all of the happiness and hope put on this team could be snatched away by the unexpected and devastating sting of a Phillies sweep.

An odd week to say the least

2008-10-14T20:37:00.009-04:00

The past week in sports turned out quite a few unexpected occurrences, and we run through them one by one.

Rays beating up on the BoSox
Regardless of their miraculous regular season it was still difficult to see this one coming. These are the Devil Rays after all, even if by a slightly different name. Maybe Boston should consider going as the Crimson Pantyhose before this season is a distant memory. This youthful team's roster has impressed in all facets of the game and garnered so many "young stud" compliments from commentators you'd think Mike Piazza was working the booth.

So who knows where the magic lies? It could be in Joe Maddon's rayhawk, or it could be in the frenzied yells of Grant Balfour threatening to burn your home to the ground, but any way you slice it the Rays are looking like a legitimate World Series favorite (tell me you called that last year and I promise I will have Balfour slap the lying teeth right out of your mouth).

Phillies' heroes come in pint sized or chunky
The Dodgers looked like the hottest team in baseball coming into the NLCS, but that took a quick turn once the Phillies bats caught fire. Shane Victorino (whose nickname is the Flyin' Hawaiian in case you had the games on mute for all of the 5 bazillion times announcers feel the need to mention it) has shown us two significant things during these playoffs; first, that he enjoys foods so thoroughly nauseating that he's being pleaded with to no longer eat them, and second, that he is a 5'9"monster at the plate.

On the opposite side if the size spectrum, is pinch hit hero Matt Stairs. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, Matt Stairs still plays baseball. And his go-ahead homer in the 8th inning of game 4 gave the Fightin's a 3 games to 1 lead. The jury is still out however, on the likelihood that stairs may just be this man in disguise, back for one more shot at Philly glory.

Are the New York Jets phasing out the Jets?
For the second time in three home games the Jets donned their "throwback" Titans of New York uniforms against the Bengals this week. Now to be fair they have won both contests, so this isn't to say they shouldn't have worn them, it's more to ask why.

Why are they wearing these hideous blue and cat-poop yellow, Tecmo bowl-reject-looking monstrosities rather than their actual team colors? Why are they allowed to wear Titans jerseys when there is already a team in the league called the Titans? And more than anything, why are these considered throwbacks? A throwback is supposed to be a retro version of your team's old duds. But they weren't the Jets back then, so this isn't much of a Jets throwback. Does this mean we can expect the Ravens throwbacks to be Cleveland Browns or Baltimore Colts jerseys?

I say if they want to sport jerseys for a team that only existed until 1963, then they should have to use the 1963 equipment along with it. So you can keep your trendy alternate jerseys, just be prepared to enjoy them with a side of devastating injuries!

Some other quick-hit notables
Madden's Favre-like streak of games called coming to an end; Exorbitant gas prices make it unrealistic to run a bus full of John Madden's food supply, and John Madden, cross country so often.

Lions reaching levels of ineptitude once thought impossible; No longer bothering to even teach players the rules.

NFL order of position hierarchy thrown into tailspin as kicker takes egregious liberties with celebration.

Rather than being annihilated by washed up old man (Ken Shamrock), Kimbo Slice lit up by last minute replacement, pink-haired, smoothie stand manager. Looks like it's back to fighting bums for you good sir!

Adam "Pacman" Jones suspended again... whoops... wait that was for next week's column; "A predictable as the tides and in no way odd week to say the least."

Klitschko disposes of opponents, hangs on to soiled diapers; Champ uses "wee covered nappies" to ease his sore fists. Side note: If i ever see this ogre walking down the street with diapers strapped to his fists I'm sure I will promptly wee my nappies and hand them over.

China's focus shifts from underage gymnasts to the unruly public urination of drunken ping pong champions.

2008 MLB What if's?

2008-10-01T09:52:00.008-04:00

With the 2008 MLB regular season in the books, Errant Balls has got some questions we'd like answered...

What if Manny Ramirez didn't cornhole the Red Sox?

He may have a collection of pop-up books more comprehensive than most pre-schools, but he's no fool, and there is no denying that Manny Ramirez totally played the Red Sox. By completely dogging it in Boston he raised the question of just how good the Sox could have been. Sure they got solid production in return with Jason Bay and they're still in the playoffs, but if they kept Manny and he put up the insane numbers he has in LA there is little to no doubt the Sawks would have blown away the Rays in the AL East, and left their playoff opponents in a cloud of dreadlock dust on their way back to the Series.

What if the Yankees' bodies didn't fall apart?

It has been fairly well publicized that the Bombers took their league-high payroll and rode it to an early vacation in 2008, but there is also no denying injury played a huge role. The collective losses of Chien Ming-Wang, Jorge Posada, Hideki Matsui, Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain, Alex Rodriguez and not to mention the unexpected absence of Carl Pavano made it so even a supposedly washed up pitcher tossing 20 wins couldn't save their season. But frankly, this is how it had to be, and even as Yankee fans we understand.
What if the Yankees enjoyed great success in Hank Steinbrenner's first year running the show? How much more of a self-entitled super douche could this guy have become? It could have reached apocalyptic levels, and God just could not allow that to happen to the good people of planet Earth.

What if Willie Randolph really wasn't the problem?

Willie Randolph was unceremoniously dismissed from his position as the manager of the Mets because he didn't get results. Upon his dismissal, the Mets have gotten the same exact result they did with him around.
But what if the reason the Mets are yielding the same crappy results each year is because they are a team made up of young, inconsistent talent and old, over-paid injury connoisseurs that are all held together by no discernable leader in the clubhouse? And who better to receive a 4-year extension than the mastermind architect of this hapless squad?
Strap in Mets fans, it may be a long road ahead.

What if we have an LA Freeway World Series?

Here at Errant Balls we are all for good baseball, and an Angels-Dodgers World Series would be just that. But for God's sake, join hands with us and pray as legitimate fans of the game that this doesn't happen.
I am not prepared to endure the World Series coverage of Fox's pre-game interviews with Shia LeBeouf on who he thinks the X-factor in the series will be. Or Miley Cyrus reading off the Dodgers starting line up. I do not need to spend the first three innings of every game watching cameramen scan the crowd to let us know which celebrity hot couples are in attendance... Why? Because no real baseball fan gives a rat's hairy ass. And I swear on all that is holy, if I see Victoria Beckham in a Manny Du-Rag or the Jonas Brothers waving rally monkies I will burn the Fox Sports headquarters to the ground.

What if the Cubs' curse gets worse?

This really seems like it could be the year for the Cubbies doesn't it? And doesn't that make you wonder if this is the year the curse is completely legitimized?
This curse was placed by a bitter, Billy-Goat owning fan. It was perpetuated by a black cat that stared down the club manager. And it was extended by an ill-fated dweeb who had his life ruined for trying to catch a souvenir. That said, it's been weird. If it gets any weirder, are we going to have to admit that this thing might be truly legit? If a hot bird crap from the heavens lands in Kerry Woods' eye and he blows a game seven save in the NLCS... then yes, yes we do.

What if the Rays had kept the Devil in their nickname?

How else is the sudden competence of the Tampa Bay Rays explicable if not for the intervention of some higher power? They remove the Devil part of their team name and suddenly go from one of the most laughably beatable opponents in the league to the champions of baseball's toughest division. Hardly a coincidence.
God smiles upon those who shun his enemy, and God has smiled on the Tampa Bay Rays. Plain and simple. And if they fall short of a championship this year, I say keep the trend running. Ladies and gentleman... your 2009 Tampa Bay Jesus Rays!

The Week in Pictures

2008-09-24T14:58:00.002-04:00

Let's see those bastards at ESPN try to ignore me this week!

Don't blame us, WE always made the playoffs.

I know, I know, I can't believe they're losing to the friggin' Dolphins either!

I told you guys we should have taken the time to watch that tape of their practice.

125 pitches? Suuuure, not like I was planning on pitching again after this year or anything.

No I don't cry EVERY time a microphone is put in front of me... how could you say such a terrible thing?!

Well I don't think it's really fair to pin ALL of the blame on the guy who's in charge of drafting and acquiring all the players.

No I'm not paranoid about the Mets, I have all of the confidence in the world... Oh God we're so f*cked!

Just give me the twenty bucks now Holmgren, I told you we could smoke the Rams with only half a team.

Okay, this is officially worse than the motorcycle crash.

Still proving all of the nay-sayers who said being 2 foot 3 would hurt my football career wrong!

Yeah you might be beating us, but that won't stop me from loving the iconic anthem "In the Navy!"

WHOPPER NO ONIONS!

I'm guessing O.J. being O.J. isn't gonna be a viable argument here?

Top Headlines from NFL Week 1

2008-09-10T11:26:00.007-04:00

FAVRE IS GOD IN ANY UNIFORM!

Brett Favre’s debut in a Jets uniform was a resounding success in a 20-14 win over the Miami Dolphins. Sure beating the Fins isn’t exactly unheard of (I myself beat them twice last year), but Favre looked impressive putting up 192 yards through the air and throwing for 2 touchdowns, both of which were henceforth followed with celebrations of boyish jubilation and love for the game. You’ve got to enjoy the stark contrast between sports and the real world though; Favre throws a TD and proceeds to run around whooping and hollering and is praised for his youthful exuberance for the job… I do it once behind the deli counter after an exceptionally sliced pound of peppercorn turkey and suddenly I “might be retarded” and my slicer privileges are revoked.

HOLY CRAHHP TAWM IS DOWWWWN!

Despite coming out of week one with a win, Patriots fans all over the New England area are “fah-kin ovah-whelmed with dev-uh-stay-shun” after losing Tom Brady for the season only 8 minutes into their first game. After taking a hit to the knee from Chiefs’ safety Bernard Pollard, Brady crumpled to the ground screaming in pain, and the grand opening of the new CBS Scene sports bar in Foxboro was marred by flash floods of Beantown tears. Personally, I don’t see what they’re so worried about. If this Brady-Cassel thing follows suit with the dynamics of the Bledsoe-Brady changeover, Matt Cassel will lead the Pats to 12 straight Super Bowl victories on his way to becoming the new Supreme Overlord of Earth.

COWBOYS FLYIN' HIGH

The offensive attack of the Dallas Cowboys looked as effective as ever, putting up 4 TD’s and a total of 487 yards on the ever popular sleeper pick Cleveland Browns, and verifying themselves as one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl. While few were surprised by the efficiency on offense of Romo, Barber, and T.O., critics of the Cowboys’ defensive acquisitions were shocked to learn that Tank Johnson didn’t bring a single firearm to the game and that Adam “Pacman” Jones was only cited for one misdemeanor in 4 quarters of play. Bravo gentleman… looks like America’s team is back.

GREEN BAY IS OKAY!

The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay started off on a positive note on Monday night, as the new face of the Pack led them to a 24-19 victory over the rival Vikings, and only a dozen or so fans committed suicide when a name that wasn’t Favre was announced over the loudspeaker as the QB (far fewer than the pregame estimates of between two and three hundred). Rodgers looked steady and confident in his debut, throwing for 178 yards and a TD, and adding another on the ground. He even got his first shot at taking the Lambeau leap, which was successful only when fans were able to alleviate his short jump by pulling him into the crowd by his freakishly enormous shnozz.

COMMITMENT TO EMBARRASSMENT

The Raiders continued their astonishingly futile post-Super Bowl run with a horrendous Monday night performance against the Denver Broncos. This once highly touted rivalry was turned into a complete humiliation the likes of which made first year receiver Eddie Royal look like he must be the lovechild of Jerry Rice and Mercury Morris (Royal hung 146 yards and a TD on Raiders “star” corner DeAngelo Hall). The Raiders horrid defense allowed Jay Cutler to pick them apart for 299 yards, and their supposedly revamped offense wasn’t able to score until the 4th quarter when the game was already out of reach. And the worst part… the fans seemed shocked! I’m sorry Raider faithful, but no amount of commitment to the team or willingness to dress like Gwar is going to change the fact that your squad stands no chance of recovery so long as it is still run by this guy.

2008 NFL Predictions Part II: NFC

2008-09-04T11:02:00.007-04:00

It's time for Errant Balls' to tap into our psychic powers and conjure up predictions you'll surely see come to light during the 2008 NFL season. So read on for part II, insights on the NFC.

Dallas Cowboys- The offseason gamble off adding troubled corner Adam “I’m not Pacman anymore” Jones will pay off in dividends… dividends which will come in the form of hundreds and hundreds of dollar bills.

New York Giants- The Giants will elect to have Tom Coughlin coach from a heated booth starting in early November, in an attempt to avoid having to deal with his face falling off midgame.

Philadelphia Eagles- Quarterback Donovan McNabb will boldly predict 12 wins for his Eagles, and that he will only vomit on the field during 9 of them!

Washington Redskins- First year Redskin Jason Taylor will revolutionize the touchdown dance when he recovers a fumble, runs it back 50 yards for a quick 6, and proceeds to Samba with the sideline judge.

Chicago Bears- On average, 2.5 million fans per week will utter the phrase “I can’t believe Kyle Friggin’ Orton is a starting NFL quarterback” while watching the Bears game.

Detroit Lions- Recently released running back Tatum Bell will return to the Lions locker room on several occasions to continue his revenge through thievery; stealing Matt Millen’s wide receivers only draft board, Roy Williams’ trash talking thesaurus, and Christmas.

Green Bay Packers- No Brett Favre and you’re living in Green Bay, Wisconsin? Is it viable that an entire city be put on suicide watch?

Minnesota Vikings- Thanks to the super productive Adrian Peterson and a surprisingly efficient year by Tarvaris Jackson, the Vikes will win their division and make a run deep into the playoffs. Neither of which is nearly as cool as the Sex boat scandal… Where have you gone Fred Smoot? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you…

Atlanta Falcons- Rookie quarterback Matt Ryan will devastate the already beleaguered Falcon fans when it is revealed he is the mastermind behind an international midget tossing ring.

Carolina Panthers- When asked by sideline reporter Suzy Kolber about a dropped ball in the 4th quarter that could have cost his team the game, Steve Smith will punch her in the face.

New Orleans Saints- The offseason acquisition of tight end Jeremy Shockey will cause more irreparable damage to the city of New Orleans than its glancing blow with Hurricane Gustav.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The Bucs will suffer due to the complete absence of kickers or punters on the team, a repercussion of Coach John Gruden’s unorthodox decision to keep 9 quarterbacks on his roster.

Arizona Cardinals- Kurt Warner will strangle the life out of Matt Leinart when photos of the young quarterback hitting a beer bong with Warner’s 18 year-old daughter surface on thedirty.com.

St. Louis Rams- The Rams will be forced to ban Howie Long, hall of famer and father of their first round draft choice Chris Long, from locker room access after he continually pushes to make the young players watch Firestorm during film sessions.

San Francisco 49ers- Recently named starting QB J.T. O’Sullivan will win most improved player of the year, but will be asked by league officials to kindly refrain from removing his helmet and revealing his carnie-freak face during the trophy presentation.

Seattle Seahawks- Spurned former running back Shaun Alexander will make a desperate attempt at regaining his spot on the team, claiming to be Tiki Barber at a midseason tryout.

2008 NFL Predictions Part I: AFC

2008-09-02T20:22:00.007-04:00

It's time for Errant Balls' to tap into our psychic powers and conjure up predictions you'll surely see come to light during the 2008 NFL season. So read on for insights on the AFC, and be sure to check back on Thursday for the NFC segment!

Buffalo Bills- The Bills will struggle with team chemistry after it is revealed that Marshawn Lynch has been the one dinging up their cars in the parking lot.

Miami Dolphins- Thanks to the addition of new quarterback Chad Pennington, a surprisingly competitive Fins squad will win more than 5 games by systematically dismantling opposing defenses... in 6 yard increments.

New England Patriots- The coach/quarterback honeymoon in New England will end when it is revealed that the Tom Brady/Gisele sex tape that is leaked onto the internet was actually taped by a Patriots video assistant on orders from Bill Belichick.

New York Jets- Not only will the Jets compete with the Pats for the division title thanks to the cannon arm of Brett Favre, but the field in Giants Stadium will remain flawless throughout the season thanks to Favre's meticulous off-day mowing routines.

Baltimore Ravens- Despite issues at the quarterback position the Ravens, dubbed "God's team" by Ray Lewis, will begin the year by going a shocking 7-0 out of the gate. Because frankly... even God is a little afraid of Ray Lewis.

Cincinnati Bengals- Recently renamed receiver Chad Ocho Cinco will surprisingly not be the only Bengal to change his moniker, as teammate Chris Henry will officially be known as Inmate #7326 by season's end.

Cleveland Browns- Quarterback Brady Quinn will once again have his sexuality called into question when he celebrates a touchdown by spanking Braylon Edwards... in the team hotel... on a Wednesday... wearing only hotpants and a cape.

Pittsburgh Steelers- The supposedly alleviated "tall receiver" conflict will rear its ugly head around midseason, after a late game Roethlisberger interception prompts a frustrated Hines Ward to demand a quarterback that doesn't "crash and burn."

Houston Texans- Texans' coaches will question backup running back Chris Brown's commitment to the team after he is injured during a performance at the 2008 MTV Video Awards.

Indianapolis Colts- Star quarterback Peyton Manning's focus will suffer as he will once again inundate your television in countless off-field endorsements, including becoming the face of the Infected Bursa Sac Prevention Committee.

Jacksonville Jaguars- The Jags will continue to perform above and beyond expectations based solely on the gut-wrenching fear instilled in them by coach Jack Del Rio.

Tennessee Titans- The Titans will see vast improvement from quarterback Vince Young after his unorthodox sidearm delivery is miraculously righted when teammate Albert Haynesworth stomps on his head.

Denver Broncos- Coach Mike Shanahan will be forced by team executives to see a skin specialist as a precautionary measure, after a farsighted ball boy unintentionally grabs his leathery brown face and tries to throw him to a referee.

Kansas City Chiefs- Coach Herm Edwards will break down in tears and take his own life during a week 6 postgame press conference when asked whether he thinks Brodie Croyle really gives them the best possible chance to win.

Oakland Raiders- Owner Al Davis will finally be forcibly removed from his position of power after he attempts a midseason trade of Jamarcus Russell for Ken Stabler and a half dozen beaver pelts.

San Diego Chargers- After playing against doctor's orders Shawn Merriman's knee will actually explode out of his leg in the fourth quarter in week 2. Merriman will return to practice only days later however, after strangely high testosterone levels allow him to grow a new knee within hours.

Seeya next week for an NFL Preview!

2008-08-27T10:17:00.003-04:00

Thanks to a long night at a horrible Yankee loss to the friggin' Sawks, Errant Balls is taking a leave of absence this week to grieve the Bombers playoff hopes. Check back in next week for the annual NFL Preview!

The week in pictures

2008-08-20T11:54:00.003-04:00

It's been a busy week in sports at home and abroad. And since most of you are lazy and largely illiterate, I'm bringing the news to you in the only way you can absorb it... pictures!

- "Yes another world record is great, but I am chafing like you would not friggin' believe!!"

- "You can't tell, but I'm not even wearing any pants. That's how I roll now. Why? Because I'm Michael Phelps damn it!"

- "Yeah, Rex Grossman is so bad the Bears assumed I'd be a better option at quarterback. It's time to party bitches!"

- "HAHAHA yeah bro, I was worried the Germans might beat us too! You're crazy man. I love you, but you're crazy."

- "What is the deal with all of this 'read the playbook' nonsense? My brain is feeling a bit fatigued."

- "You can take my gold medal record sir... but you can never take my dignity."

- "You may be blowing us out, but let's see how you stand up to my ultra-physical defense... Booby slap!"

- "Some of us are troubled by injury, some of us are troubled by the general statutes of societal law. Whatever, I'm back on the team!"

- "AMERICA! F*CK YEAAAH!"

- "It is ridiculous to assume this is racist. I'll have you know we were suffering from a case of conjunctivitis that spread through the team like wildfire!"

- "What do you mean the commissioner didn't approve of me 'making it rain' reinstatement letters all over his desk?!"

- "Sure I cost the US the gold in the overall competition, but at least I can take solace in the fact that I am still smokin' frigging hot."

- "How in the hell did they come up with ironic 'Gay' headlines so quickly?!"

- "Okay, okay. So I'm not really old enough to be competing in the Olympics. But the only reason we did it is because the girl who was of age was far too hideously ugly to represent our nation on television."

- "That's right, it's time to take the Shawn Kemp child-siring program global baby!"

THE FAV-RUH REPORT: Gun-slinger, world shaker, heartbreaker

2008-08-12T16:09:00.009-04:00

It looks as though it is finally over. The off-season battle between everyone’s favorite quarterback and his former employers has finally come to an end. We think. Landing in New York via a trade for conditional draft picks, his arrival will allow Jets fans to repeatedly utter the question Matt Dillon so brilliantly immortalized; What the f*ck is Brett Favre doing here?!

Now don’t fool yourself into thinking this indicates a winding down of Favre coverage (after all, the Chinese calendar did prophetically deem 2008 the year of the charmingly rugged man-boy), because you will still be inundated with every last Favre factoid by every last media outlet in the greater Milky Way, but at least we know where he’ll be now. New York City… er, well… East Rutherford, New Jersey. And you’d better believe Favre’s move east has had quite the ripple effect on the football world.

Luckily, Errant Balls was able to book time with some of those most profoundly affected by his move, and we’re bringing the inside scoop straight to you. So enjoy the insights, intrigue and estimations of the year’s most thrilling saga…

THE FAV-RUH REPORT.

Aaron Rodgers – QB, Green Bay Packers

Errant Balls: Aaron, this has been quite the tough situation for you. All of the back and forth. Will he? Won’t he? Constant media barrages on how it is affecting you. Sympathy hugs from celebrity hosts. And yet, you seem to be dealing with it quite well. How do you do it?

Aaron: Wel… w… (clears throat). I reall… (coughs). I… (reaches out for glass of water, hand shaking violently spilling it all the while, takes tiny sip) I really just try to control what I can be in control of. I’m a football player, so that’s what I do, I player football. I’m not a controller, so I can’t just control everything. I just try not to obsess too much over things that are out of my control (Clump of hair falls out, casually slouches down to retrieve it and rests it back atop his head). It really hasn’t been as big of a deal as everyone has made it out to be (throws up in corner).

Chad Pennington – QB, Miami Dolphins

Errant Balls: Chad, you saw your time in New York come to an end thanks to Brett Favre. How does that make you feel?

Chad: I don’t know man. I mean, Brett’s one of the greatest of all time. I just don’t know if (making air quotes gesture with hands) “better than below average arm strength” is really as essential as the Jets are making it out to be.

Errant Balls: How do you mean?

Chad: Well I mean just who is it that decided you need to be able to “curl 20 pounds” in order to be a “real pro quarterback”? Sure, I can’t “grow a beard” yet. And yes, when I throw a baseball at the carnival radar game it “doesn’t register.” And maybe my shoulder might “turn to dust” on any given pitch to the running back. But what does that all mean, really? Does that really make Brett any better than me? I mean… “really?”

Eli Manning – QB, New York Giants

Errant Balls: Eli, you and the Giants are coming into this season as the defending Super Bowl champs. And yet, in the preseason you have taken second banana in the media thanks to Brett Favre’s arrival in New York. What do you think of sharing the spotlight with another big time quarterback?

Eli: Well let me just say this, I do not mind taking the second banana to Mr. Faver. He is a future hall of famer, so as I go that means he gets dibs on the first banana if he wants it. I can wait my turn. Plus he is like so cool, have you seen those Wrangler commercials? He’s like a real life cowboy. I heard he even slings guns. I wanted to get a BB gun, but Dad said that was no way to spend my Wedding money. Maybe next year… Anyway, I can’t wait to spend time with Mr. Faver in New York. I’m hoping he can give me some sweet beard tips. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve let my scruff grow in a little myself. I’m even thinking of wearing a cowboy hat instead of a helmet this year. But that’s only if Mr. Faver thinks I can pull it off.

John Madden – Former coach, current commentator/Lover of all things Favre

Errant Balls: Mr. Madden, not only are you a staple of the game of professional football, you are a true fan. Your love for the game and its history is so evident in everything you do. Some might say that over the years, you have expressed more admiration and adoration for one player over any other; that being the incomparable Brett Favre. What will it be like to have Favre suit up in a different uniform this year?

Madden: You know, I’ve been asked that quite a bit so far. But it’s like, (makes trademark, inaudible random Madden noises) brau-huhh, it’s just another year right?! I mean, I like Brett and all, but uh… hauh-hahhh, I’ve got other stuff goin’ on too you know?! BOOM!

Errant Balls: So you haven’t thought too much about seeing Favre in a non-Packer jersey this year?

Madden: Come on! I’ve got too much going on to focus on every little thing the greatest quarterback to ever lace them up does (sniffles). I mean… hauugh, I’ve got endorsements comin’ out the wazoo! How are your feet? Itchy? I can get you free Tinactin… BOOM! Plus I’ve got my video game comin’ out.

Errant Balls: Ah yes, that’s true. And who is on the cover of your game this year again?

Madden: (Begins wailing uncontrollably) BRRRRETTTTTTTT!!! (Rips his shirt off, revealing a green and yellow “Brett Forever” tattoo across his heaving, liver-spotted, old-man breasts) YOU’RE A PAAAAACKERRRRR BRETTTTT! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???!!!! (Begins rubbing a wedge of Wisconsin sharp cheddar all over his bare body, all the while sobbing hysterically) THE JETTTTS?!! I DON’T WANT TO LIIII-HI-HI-HIVVVVE!!! (Snot drips from nose as he crumples in a heap on the floor) BOO-HOOO-HOO-OOOM!!!

Errant Balls: (Slinks slowly out of the room).

Making the trade

2008-08-05T21:34:00.009-04:00

The 2008 trade deadline has come and gone, but it proved to be one of the most active and interesting in recent memory. Here are the break downs for all of the major mid-season moves.

New York Yankees
The Yanks were extremely active at the trade deadline picking up Pudge Rodriguez from Detroit along with Damaso Marte and Xavier Nady from Pittsburgh. While an in-season trade for a starting catcher is a bit of a rarity, landing Rodriguez was a necessity for the Yanks. With Jorge Posada down for the year the alternative option was platooning Jose Molina and Chad Moeller at catcher for the remainder of the season. Both have proven to be effective behind the plate, but largely useless when they stand next to it with that stick in their hands.

The addition of Marte and Nady also filled some noticeable holes in the Yankees lineup, giving them a lefty reliever which they had lacked and a left field bat to alleviate the injuries to Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon. Marte has given up some big hits since coming to the Bronx though, apparently confusing the translation of Bombers, but his fellow former Pirate has been huge. Xavier Nady has racked up 11 RBI and 4 home runs since putting on the pinstripes, and has proven himself quite the preferable alternative to sending Brett Gardner up to the plate with a wet newspaper. Yankees radio announcer John Sterling, who has given us such stimulating sayings as “Jeterian swing” and the always politically correct “A-Bomb from A-Rod!”, has apparently holed himself up creating clever quips for the new left fielder, only emerging unshaven and unwashed to announce Xavier’s heroics with unbridled dickitry . X marks the jackass!

Boston Red Sox
The Sox made the noisiest move of the trade deadline, finally electing to cut the cord from longtime headache Manny Ramirez (cutting the cord is not a metaphor by the way; they literally had to have him on a leash on road trips). In a 3 way deal with the Dodgers and Pirates the Red Sox were able to dump Manny and obtain All Star outfielder Jason Bay.

While it is widely accepted that Jason Bay is no Manny Ramirez, he is a solid producer and could potentially be a much better fit for the Sox chemistry-wise. The organization’s relationship with Ramirez had evidently become so strained they were willing to give up two promising young players and even pay the remainder of his 2008 salary just to get him out of town. Rumor has it they were even offering to throw Kevin Youkilis’ goatee and Dustin Pedroia’s unyielding grittiness into the deal if necessary.

LA Dodgers
LA cashed in on Boston’s dismay with Manny Ramirez, throwing their hat in the ring at the last minute to pick up the slugger. Early in the year the Dodgers weren’t thinking they’d need to make a mid-season addition of a big bat because they had signed Andruw Jones, but that hasn’t exactly panned out as they’d hoped. Dodgers front office officials now say they will not be signing anyone in the future without first thoroughly checking into whether they had become fat and useless the season before.

Manny however, has been on a tear since joining the boys in blue, seemingly relieved from the pressure of doing everything in his power to get the hell out of Boston. Now, out on the west coast, it should be interesting to see how he assimilates himself to Los Angeles. I’m guessing by the end of the year he has a reality show in which he wears a Viking hat and cape and hands out do-rags to possible mates at elimination ceremonies. So keep your eyes out for Finding Mrs. ManRam on VH1.

LA Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of America of North America
Baseball’s best team made a huge move in signing the premier name available, former Braves first baseman Mark Teixeira. The addition gives the Angel’s a 2-time gold glover at the corner and adds a big bat that potentially makes them the favorite to win it all.

Teixeira fits in perfectly in the offensive scheme, finally giving Vlad Guerrero the protection necessary to keep him from swinging at every horse crap pitch within a 2 meter radius of the plate. Plus, between innings Teixeira can bench press Chone Figgins to bolster his strength and conditioning.

Chicago White Sox
When acquiring a consistently injured player hitting .265 is meant to boost your offense it is a sign of a much bigger problem, but that’s exactly what the White Sox had to do. Thanks to the uber-ineptness of Nick Swisher (.230) and Paul Konerko (.212), Chicago decided to pick up veteran outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. from the Cincinnati Reds.

Griffey seemed refreshed by the idea of joining a team that is actually in contention though (he hasn’t been to the playoffs since 1997) and has been a welcome jolt to the offense hitting safely in 3 of his 7 at bats for the Sox. The big knock is obviously his age and the fact that Chicago will need him to play center field on a fairly consistent basis. But look at it this way, even if Griffey pulls both hamstrings and breaks one of his arms, he still may be more effective than Swisher and Konerko.

NL Questions of contention

2008-07-29T11:20:00.007-04:00

The MLB Playoff push is in full swing with July, and the trading deadline coming to a close. So as promised, this week we present the questions that each National League contender must address in their push for the playoffs.

NL East

Mets- The Mets have seen a lot of ups and downs this year, but thanks to the overall inconsistency of the NL East they find themselves in the division lead. The biggest question for the Amazins is their bullpen. As in if you have bullpen insurance, and your bullpen should happen to be wiped out in a “tragic and accidental” fire, are you entitled to an entirely new one?

Phillies- As usual the Fightin’ Phils are in the thick of the NL East race, but you have to wonder if their poor starting pitching will do them in. You’ve got to be a bit worried as a Phillies fan when your 2 and 3 starters are a mid-season acquisition with a 5+ ERA and a 5-12 record, and a guy who is old enough to be that mid-season acquisition’s biological grandfather.

Marlins- The Fish from Florida have been a big surprise thus far, having yet another year where they continue to win with as little as possible. The question here is how long will their minimalist ways continue to work out in their favor? They are like the sports equivalent of your college buddy who saves money and time by doing 5 shots of Devils Springs as soon as he gets to the bar. Sure he’s able to keep pace with everyone else with much less effort, but it’s only a matter of time before he wakes up naked next to some carnie with a fresh tattoo and a new pelvic itch.

NL Central

Cubs- The Cubbies have consistently been one of the league’s best teams this year, and look poised to make a legitimate run at breaking their 100-year curse… that is if nothing gets in the way. We know Bartman turned down $25k for an autograph, but what if the Wrigley Goat accepts the $50k proposition to just start showing and F’ing with everyone’s heads?

Brewers- CC Sabathia has been an absolute horse for the Brew Crew since his acquisition, winning 4 of his first 5 starts that have included 3 complete games. Missing two periods since his arrival in Milwaukee though, you have to wonder if the Brewers are just trying to squeeze as many pitches as possible out of Sabathia before he comes to the realization that he is pregnant.

Cardinals- The Cards have kept decent pace in the Central, but have struggled of late and are dealing with issues at the closer spot. Between Ryan Franklin and Jason Isringhausen the Cards have blown 13 save opportunities. I say bring in the real closer, she has cable’s #1 rated show of all time, she always gets the job done and plus, she knows drama.

NL West

Diamondbacks- Yes the D'backs have the division lead, but they could certainly improve upon it being that they are only one game over .500. Maybe manager Bob Melvin should focus a little more on why his team is hitting only .251 at the plate, and a little less on how much he loves Taco Bell’s new Fruitista Freeze.

Dodgers- The Dodgers are only one game off the division leading D’Backs, and could catch them easily if they could improve on their league 13th best run production. After promoting Don Mattingly to hitting coach recently, don’t be surprised if the boys in blue promote Donny Baseball to actually batting sometime in the near future.

Rockies- The Pittsburgh Pirates have begun trading away some of their best talent, having fallen out of contention in the NL Central, playing .462 ball and landing in last place. The Rockies however, have scorned suitors for their best player Matt Holliday as they are in third and only 6 games back of their division lead, despite playing only .449 ball. The only question I have is, just how bad would these reigning NL champs be if they didn’t play in the division for players with special needs?

AL Questions of contention

2008-07-23T09:18:00.006-04:00

With July winding down talks of which teams will make it to baseball's postseason are really starting to pick up. This week we present the questions that each American League contender must address in their push for the playoffs. Check back next week for the National League breakdown.

AL East

Rays- The obvious question for the Rays is whether or not they will be able to keep up their unexpected run. They are a young and talented team, but they are largely unproven and inexperienced. Removing the “Devil” from their nickname has launched them into relevance, now all they have to do is remove this botard from their fan base and they’ll also gain respectability.

Red Sox- The Red Sox are the defending champs and obviously have what it takes to win it all. However, an injury to David Ortiz along with inconsistency from Manny Ramirez does leave them a bit vulnerable. Plus there is always the possibility that Manny gets the wrong in-flight meal and decides to go all “Manny being Manny” on the pilot and kills them all.

Yankees- The Yankees have enjoyed unexpectedly solid pitching, but due largely to inconsistent offensive production and injury, still find themselves in third place. So the question is, just how lucky is this gold thong? Can they clone it so it can be worn by 3-4 players at a time? And can they get a lucky gold bra to pick up Jose Molina’s batting average/bustline?

AL Central

White Sox- The southside boys have shown sparks of brilliance, but overall inconsistency this year. The real question for them is whether or not they will continue to be motivated by Ozzie Guillen’s garble-mouthed, expletive ridden tirades. If Ozzie’s psycho-rants become too passé, he may have to jump it up a notch and just start slaying people (I vote he start with A.J. Pierzynski).

Twins- With the Twins constantly letting their most talented players leave town, Minnesota fans have to wonder if they even want to win. Now one of their own players, pitcher Francisco Liriano, is asking for a union investigation as to why the Twins have not called him up to the majors. So the only real question here is, how the hell do they keep winning when they’re trying so damn hard not to?

Tigers- After an absolutely dismal start, the Tigers have shown at times they can be as dangerous as everyone thought they’d be, putting up 19 runs on 3 separate occasions. On the last occasion however, their “star” catcher Ivan Rodriguez struck out in the 9th inning against the Royals last pitching option, shortstop Tony Pena Jr. They’ll need to know if Major League Baseball will allow them to pinch hit Manager Jim Leyland in Pudge's spot in the order if they’re going to make any sort of run at the playoffs.

AL West

Angels- The Angels own the best record in baseball despite the fact that their team leader in batting average is hitting only .287. Unless their absolutely superb pitching can continue, the Angels may have to begin flapping their arms in hopes for some supernatural help at the plate.

Rangers- The Rangers, thanks in large part to a certain former drug addict you probably haven’t heard much about yet this year, have been unbelievable at the dish so far, landing in the top 3 in every major offensive category. So the question for Texas is whether Josh Hamilton can pitch too, because they also own the league’s worst ERA and batting average against.

A’s- Oakland is still in the hunt as usual, even after trading away most of their key players… as usual. Their trademark trades of talent in order to stockpile youth has got to have you wondering if Billy Beane’s ultimate plan is just to remain mediocre in the majors while dominating the minors with an iron fist for years to come.

2008 MLB All-Star Game running diary

2008-07-15T22:58:00.014-04:00

Look, Bill Simmons (ESPN's the Sports Guy) is taking a ridiculous hiatus from his cushy job where he gets paid a ton of money to do what I do for nothing every week. So yeah, I'm stealing his running diary method. He's not using it during his hiatus anyway is he?

So here it is, my 2008 All-Star game running diary...

7:53- Catching the end of the MLB All-Star Red Carpet Parade, Fox anchor Jeanie Zelasko thanks "over a million people for showing up in the streets of New York." And only 20% of those people were of the hobo/street-preacher variety!

8:10- The All-Star Game festivities kick off with the introduction of the visiting Hall of Famers along with the starters. Incidentally, Gaylord Perry not as gay looking as his name would have you think.

8:14- Chase Utley makes it through this introduction without openly swearing on camera.

8:17- I am unashamed to admit I almost had myself a bit of a man-moment when the DER-EK JET-ER chant broke out in Yankee Stadium... don't judge me.

8:21- Hall of Fame right fielder Tony Gwynn isn't exactly at his former playing weight, he now occupies right field in its entirety.

8:24- Man-moment flares up again with chants of YO-GI, YO-GI.

8:27- Second appearance of Mohegan Sun commercial where the people sing about the casino to the tune of Superfreak has me on the verge of throwing a chair through the television.

8:33- Man-moment at full kilter as Hall of Fame Yanks throw out ceremonial first pitch to current Bombers.

8:45- Starter Cliff Lee is only two pitches into the game and already Tim McCarver has made me want to punch myself in the face.

8:56- Alex Rodriguez steps up to the plate for his first appearance. I'm not sure what the deal with the white gloves/wristbands/cleats combo is... maybe he is trying to look Like A Virgin?... Anyone?

9:16- Fox just showed a shot of Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia in the on deck circle with former Mayor of New York City and die-hard Yankee fan Rudy Giuliani right behind him in the front row. I'm no lip reader but I'm almost positive Rudy just called him a little turd.

9:32- Joe Buck reveals that breakout American League star Josh Hamilton once had a severe issue with drug addiction. Why is this the first we're hearing of this? This guy really hasn't gotten enough media coverage.

9:41- Say what you will about Carlos Zambrano, you have to admire what he has been able to accomplish in life despite his complete lack of a neck.

9:52- Matt Holliday's HR breaks a scoreless tie in the 5th and puts the National League up 1-0. Nice to see someone showed up with their bat, I was about to start chronicling the reruns of The George Lopez Show on Nick-at-Nite.

10:12- Nice to see much deserving All-Star Jason Varitek (.218 batting avg.) finally make his first appearance in tonight's game.

10:27- Did you know that Josh Hamilton used to be addicted to drugs?

10:39- Nice to see that Josh Groban felt the need to comb his hair before he came out to sing God Bless America. He looks like he just came straight from throwing up $9 beers in the Yankee Stadium bathrooms.

10:52- 50,000 New York fans collectively let out a half-assed cheer as Red Sox All-Star J.D. Drew ties the game for the American League with a 2-run HR.

11:04- After entering the game to an unrelenting chorus of boos, and chants of OVER-RATED, Boston reliever Jonathan Papelbon gives up the go ahead run to the National League. I am genuinely surprised he didn't pull a Jack McDowell as he walked off the mound.

11:18- Hey National League coaches, good call bringing in the always reliable Billy Wagner to hold your 1-run lead. Rookie Evan Longoria just roped a double to left field to drive in the tying run.

11:31- Yankee closer Mariano Rivera enters the game, and holds the lead for the American league with a quickly executed strike 'em out, throw 'em out. What was it again that Jonathan Papelbon said about being as reliable as Mo?

11:37- How much does Cubs reliever Ryan Dempster look like comedian Louis C.K.?

11:53- Mo just came awfully close to helping me stick my foot in my mouth, thank God for the double-play ball.

11:57- Two straight errors by Marlins 2nd baseman Dan Uggla have led to a bases loaded, no out situation for the American League. I won't jump on the easy Uggla/ugly pun opportunity here, I'll just say that sucked balls.

12:04- Miguel Tejada's gorgeous play just bailed Dan Uggla out of All-Star infamy. And they say steroids are bad for you...

12:07- Listen, I know Joakim Soria is having a great year thus far, but doesn't something feel wrong about having the game rest on the shoulders of a Kansas City Royal?

12:21- Oh Dioner Navarro you slow, slow bastard. The Rays catcher is thrown out at the plate attempting to break the tie. I just want to get some sleep.

12:35- Orioles closer George Sherrill and his extremely straight billed hat strike out Adrian Gonzalez and send the game into the bottom of the 12th.

12:38- Carlos Guillen just came about 1 foot from winning the game with a HR, while outfielder Ryan Ludwick came about 1 foot from severely disfiguring his face on the left field wall.

12:45- On we go to the 13th inning... I say we just take the smallest player from each roster and have them fight for it.

1:00- Dan Uggla's 3rd error of the night. I'm praying no more balls are hit his way, no one wants to see a guy crap himself in front of 55,000 people.

1:07- Nate McLouth you dirty Pirate hooker. The NL outfielder just missed a 14th inning HR, what a tease.

1:19- The only thing keeping me going is this hilarious Taco Bell commercial where the D'Backs coach writes in his diary about how much he loves the new "Fruitista Freeze." I don't know, maybe I'm delirious. On to the 15th.

1:22- What is up with the Padres uniforms? Are these beige or just unwashed?

1:37- Sweet relief! Michael Young drives in Justin Morneau and wins it for the AL with a 15th inning sac fly! Good thing because one more inning closer to a tie and Bud Selig might have just started punching children.

I'm out!

Major League drama ahead

2008-07-09T13:05:00.012-04:00

The dog days of summer are approaching. The sports world is slowing to what tends to be a quite tedious mid-summer pace. With basketball over, and football not yet begun it's tough to find much excitement while surfing the internet on your company's time. Luckily though, Major League baseball has offered up some intriguing plots that could make these next couple of months just a little more interesting...

Extramarital-Rod

Yes, it’s on Sportscenter every day so I say it’s okay to run with it. Joining what I can only assume is now 70% of the population that ends up divorced, Alex Rodriguez and wife Cynthia (cleverly dubbed C-Rod by the mass media geniuses who spawned the unstoppable plague that is the “first initial-first syllable of last name” nickname trend) are officially ending their marriage. As much as it is difficult to say that this is a sports story at all, there is no denying its hilarity.

Of course, few are surprised at the thought that an athlete and his significant other are splitting due to his genitals playing too many away games, but the details here offer so much more than your run of the mill public divorce. Madonna and Lenny Kravitz are breaking up Alex Rodriguez’s marriage. Take a moment to read over that last sentence one more time. Is this for real or is it a story someone cooked up while getting hammered and doing MadLibs?

How can this possibly get any more random? Simple… it can’t. However, as more details surface it is likely going to get weirder and funnier. So strap in sports fans, because whether you like it or not you had better at least be ready for the ensuing circus. And never mind legit sports talk, because now you’ll have to endure heinous PTI topics like “Kabala-Rod,” “C-Rod and L-Krav,” and “Happy Trails Alex Rodriguez’s money.” Enjoy.

CC to the Brew Crew

On Monday the Milwaukee Brewers made the first big mid-season move in acquiring pitcher CC Sabathia from the Cleveland Indians. Cleveland, feeling they have fallen too far back in the standings decided early July was as good a time as any to wave the white flag and give away a Cy Young winner (what happened to those scrappy, never say die Indians of the 80’s?). And to their credit, the Brew Crew jumped at the opportunity.

The best part about this trade however, is the explanation. Essentially the move was clarified as such: After this season they are undoubtedly losing their best pitcher, Ben Sheets, to free agency. They will also likely consider bolstering their farm system by trading their best young hitter, Prince Fielder. However, as an organization they feel they owe it to the Milwaukee faithful, who have endured 20 some-odd years without a trip to the playoffs, to take one legitimate shot before everything goes crap salad again. So they acquired Mr. Sabathia who, by the way, will also be a free agent at season’s end.

It’s time like these that I wish I actually knew a Brewers fan, just so I could hear the explanation of just how bittersweet this is. You’re hedging the most hope you’ve had in over two decades on a move that has brought an inconsistent and overweight young pitcher to the beer and cheese capitol of our nation. And so what if it doesn’t work out? You’ll have another shot in 25 years or so. I wish you the best of luck.

Remind you of a Prior Cubbie?

Speaking of taking a chance, the Cubs were not to be outdone by their divisional foes in Milwaukee. Having not won a World Series in 100 years, and only being able to explain their perpetual failures as a curse instilled upon them by a farm animal, Chicago knows the importance of taking the shot while the shot is still there. So despite owning the National League’s best record at the halfway point, the Cubbies decided a little more help couldn’t hurt… but can it?

On Tuesday the Cubs acquired pitcher Rich Harden in a 6-player deal with the Oakland Athletics. Harden has widely been considered one of the league’s best young arms (when healthy), so you can’t blame the Cubs for faulty logic in adding another hurler to an arsenal that already includes the dominant Carlos Zambrano. Then again, if you’re a Cubs fan who has no problem believing in a goat-curse, might you be a bit superstitious that adding another injury-prone pitcher to your storied history might be the move that leads to this year’s downturn?

I am not arguing that this trade will actually make the Cubs worse, because any fan would absolutely love to have a healthy Rich Harden as a member of their team’s rotation. However, the Cubbies faithful are not your average fans. So I ask you this Chicago: With such a fragile past that seemingly needs only the tiniest stroke of bad luck to dash the collective hopes of a city and a century, how comfortable are you with investing hope in such a Mark Prior-esque pitcher? Keep your fingers crossed.

The week in links

2008-07-02T14:54:00.003-04:00

Thanks to a trip to Yankee Stadium to see Joba, Mo and the Yanks blow a game they should have easily won, time is at a premium this week. So take a look over the biggest stories, pictures and videos from the past week in the easiest form I can present them... sarcastic lines with links to other people's work.

- Olympic runner's new world record doesn't count as he was aided by too much tailwind and his own desperation to outrun brutal childhood mockery of his name.

- All-Star guard Baron Davis opts out of the last year of his contract with Golden State Warriors. "It was just time for me to leave Oakland, " said Davis, "I mean why do you think I wore that ridiculous prop beard? So when I removed it off-court I wouldn't be recognized, beaten, and robbed daily."

- Upstart Tampa Bay Rays have the best record in baseball, looking forward to their family and friends actually accepting the comped tickets they are offered.

- Shock rocks the Cycling world when Landis' loss of 2006 Tour De France is declared "still a loss."

- Lottery pick O.J. Mayo's genuine smile evidence that he is clearly ecstatic about prospect of leaving southern California for Minnesota.

- Red Sox outfielder Ramirez's erratic behavior continues in altercation with team's traveling secretary, hoping "Manny being Manny" will eventually hold up in court.

- Spain wins Euro 2008 title, lawless rioting ensues as they immediatley kidnap old man in frenzied celebration.

- 2008 NBA Draft yields odd picks as LA Clippers draft waiter, Phoenix Suns break years of animation discrimination, draft Sideshow Bob (draft portrait).

- Hall of Fame immediately accepts *asterisk HR ball upon hearing news that Barry Bonds will boycott if they elect to display it.

- Warren Sapp is going to follow in the footsteps of other football giants, likely to perform truffle shuffle on Dancing with the Stars.

- Unusual pairing at Buick Open Pro-Am forces first ever suspension of play to hose vomit off of putting surfaces.

Top 10 reasons to watch the NBA Draft

2008-06-25T11:12:00.006-04:00

One of the greatest sports television occasions of the year is fast approaching and we here at Errant Balls (and by we I mean me, the one guy) couldn’t be more excited. Coverage of what is unquestionably one of sports’ most unintentionally hilarious yearly events begins on Thursday at 7pm EST on ESPN. That’s right, the 2008 NBA Draft is finally upon us. Year in and year out this event offers a multitude of uncomfortable and laughable moments, so we’ve taken the liberty of narrowing it down to the top 10 reasons for fans and casual viewers alike to tune in to the NBA Draft.

Betting on which prospect will arrive in the most embarrassingly tasteless suit
- Each year at least one player decides to show up to the most important day of his young life dressed like Bernie Mac. So have some extra fun at your draft party by making some friendly wagers on it (the smart money is on Kevin Love, he’s already got the name to go with that kind of gear).

The commentators tactful comparisons of white prospects only to former white players
- Why is it that when drawing comparisons of young players they can only be compared to those of the same race? Who knows? But you can bet that rather than pointing out that West Virginia forward Joe Alexander has a similar offensive game to Rashard Lewis or Tayshaun Prince, he’ll be referred to as “Tom Gugliotta with hops!”

Shots of O.J. Mayo’s posse
- Embattled USC prospect O.J. Mayo recently called the ESPN network to deny the allegations that he received illegal gifts while in school, and he was smart enough to make the call from a cell phone that ESPN’s investigation showed was illicitly provided. Now you have to wonder whether or not shots via satellite of O.J.’s crew watching back home will show them viewing the draft on a curiously familiar flatscreen television.

Explanations of Beasley’s dwindling height
- Highly regarded top prospect Michael Beasley has run into an odd road block on his way through draft camps, he seems to have shrunk. The forward was listed at 6’10” during his time at Kansas State but has showed up to pre-draft workouts a full 3 inches shorter. So how does an organization justify using their pick on a guy who could very well be 5’8” five years into his career? I guess we’ll see.

The Lopez brothers feature
- You can definitely expect to see a montage of the Lopez brothers at some point during the draft coverage. The twin brothers, Brook and Robin, coming out of Stanford are both projected as first round picks and because ESPN can’t possibly leave something like this alone we’ll most assuredly have to endure some feature about what it was like for them growing up and how competitive their backyard games were. The real question is, how long will mainstream media go on disregarding the third, and arguably just as famous from his American Idol days, brother?

Huge trade possibilities
- Almost every year the draft supplies us with one surprising trade that can really improve a team. And with the Minnesota Timberwolves sitting at the 3rd overall spot you have to wonder if GM Kevin McHale has another deal in the works. Not to say that McHale was favoring his former team when he gave the Celtics Kevin Garnett last year, but word on the street is he’s thinking of sending the T’Wolves pick to Boston for Eddie House and a case of Samuel Adams.

Jay Bilas’ unique player descriptions
- Normally relegated to the college basketball coverage on ESPN, analyst Jay Bilas serves as the bridge between the amateur and professional ranks and offers solid breakdowns of the prospects who are moving up. Sure it can get to be a little homoerotic when Bilas harps on who among the players has the most cut, toned, ripped, NBA-ready body, but that’s just quality analysis. Right?

Kobe’s world premiere rap video
- Since the NBA has taken no action or stand on the recent uncovering of Shaquille O’Neal’s Kobe-bashing ballad, it seems only fair that the draft serve as the medium for Kobe’s unavoidable retaliation. Don’t expect Kobe to stoop as low and ask Shaq how parts of him taste though; he’ll likely take the high road and focus on the fact that his YouTube Nike commercials have garnered more viewers than Kazaam and Steel combined.

Stephen A. Smith’s riveting player interviews
- Rather than featuring him as one of this year’s main commentators, ESPN has elected to make the always eloquent and enunciated Mr. Smith the first man to speak to the draftees after their selection. So look forward to reveling in the fact that while these young players have just pulled in more money than you’ll ever see, at least you’re not covered in Stephen A. saliva on national television.

David Stern’s inevitable name butchering
- Somehow the NBA commissioner always manages to horribly mispronounce the name of some young prospect who could be one of the future faces of his league. Is it wrong that this guy doesn’t even watch enough basketball coverage to familiarize himself with the players who fatten his pockets? You could argue that. But here’s to hoping the Knicks take Italian phenom Danilo Gallinari with their pick, so viewers can hear the raucous boos of the hometown Madison Square Garden crowd as Stern announces: “With the 6th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the New York Knicks select… Daniela Calimari.”

Baseball in the Big Crab Apple

2008-06-18T10:41:00.007-04:00

This season has been a trying one thus far for Gotham’s baseball faithful. With the Mets and Yankees both floundering around the .500 mark the idea of a postseason sans New York has become a very real possibility. And the events of this past week, for the teams on both sides of town, have certainly left a sour taste in the mouths of those taking a bite out of Big Apple baseball.

The Mets Freed Willie

In the culmination of what started with last season’s epic late September collapse, the Mets have finally fired manager Willie Randolph. But was Willie really the problem? With any managerial firing this is a legitimate and often asked question, but the way the Mets handled this suggest their problems may go much deeper than the man running things from the bench.

In theory these Mets were supposed to win somewhere between 90-95 games. At least that’s what the experts said when you see them on paper. But what paper is this exactly? And do you have to be throwing back shots of Wild Turkey while munching shrooms to see these 90 wins? Sure they acquired Johan Santana, and yes David Wright is one of the best young players in the game, but take a good hard look at what Willie was working with overall. It may very well be true that Randolph could’ve done better with what he had, but how much? And why is Omar Minaya not on the unemployment line with Mr. Randolph?

Jose Reyes and Oliver Perez are two young guys that at times show a world of promise. However, at times they also prove to have the combined mental capacity and focus of a retarded puppy. After that, don’t the Amazins’ look curiously like a mix of players either too old or too mediocre to all be wearing the same uniform? Pedro Martinez has made about as many total starts in a Mets uniform as I have. Moises Alou was for some reason re-upped to hold down the fort in left field at the spry young age of 96. Carlos Delgado’s looks and versatility could literally help him pull off the role of the youngest guy on an Old Timer’s Day roster. And their bullpen squad of Heilman, Sosa, Mota and Wagner have been about as effective as Milton Bradley’s life coach. Is this a playoff team or a crew that has been sent out to pasture to let their careers/lives slowly wind down?

When it comes down to it, it is agreeable that Willie was the wrong fit for this team. But it is hard to say whether any manager will fare much better here. And a mid-season change rarely seems to help in baseball. It always feels more like giving up than making the necessary changes. So good luck to you Jerry Manuel, especially with a front office that has shown that when the chips are down they will happily toss their manager under, in front of, or through the bus.

The Yankees have a Limp Wang

The Yankees have hit their mid-season stride! The Yankees offense is taking off! The Yankees are 5 games above .500 and gaining speed! The Yankees lost another pitcher… and this time it’s their ace.

In a Sunday rout of the Astros that had fans wondering if the Yankees were finally headed in the right direction, they suffered what may be their worst set back of the year losing ace Chien-Ming Wang until at least September. Wang partially tore a tendon and sprained his right foot while running the bases in the Inter-league match up. This, of course, prompted a completely idiotic rant from the always ridiculous Hank Steinbrenner that blamed the National League for not having a modern enough way of playing the game and asked them to “join the 21st century.” But more importantly, it has prompted a bit of panic in Yankee land.

The Yanks headed into this season with one of the youngest and most inexperienced pitching rotations in all of Major League baseball, and they have seen the results many feared they would. Now we have to wonder who exactly will be replacing the reliable Mr. Wang? Thanks to a combination of injuries and overall ineffectiveness Joba Chamberlain and Darrell Rasner have already been moved into the rotation. Andy Pettite has had his ups and downs, and what happens if the unexpected consistency of Mike Mussina doesn’t last? Can the Yankees afford to hope for a gem amongst their young minor leaguers? Or must they think about making a trade?

Their severely thinned out pitching led to immediate rumors of possible trades, one being a swap of Robinson Cano to the Dodgers for Brad Penny. Cano has been widely considered one of the best young bats in the game, although he continues to start each year about as effective at the dish as Helen Keller. But does his streakiness really warrant offering him up for a pitcher with a 5.88 ERA and a 5-9 record who is currently on the DL? That looks eerily like one of those panic moves that could haunt a franchise for years to come.

But on the flip side, can the Yankee offense really weather the storm of losing their most dependable pitcher? Sure their bats have been on fire lately, but are they hitting their stride or just hitting a hot streak that will eventually sputter out? Even an offense anchored by Alex Rodriguez and a suddenly productive Jason Giambi (with due credit going to his Super Troopers moustache and his magical thong) can’t put up enough runs to win with no one on the mound (or with Ian Kennedy on the mound, for that matter).

So which of the choices will the Yankees front office make? Do they have the stones to gamble on a risky trade, or do they have the faith to believe they have enough to pull through? Either way, for Yankees fans it might just be time to just clasp your hands and pray.

The REAL answers to the week's most burning questions

2008-06-11T10:16:00.008-04:00

In a week full of compelling sports stories, Errant Balls is here to give you the definitive inside scoop. After gaining exclusive access to press conferences with some of this week’s biggest names, I was able to ask the questions and get the REAL answers we’ve all been dying to hear.

NBA Commissioner, David Stern

Errant Balls: Mr. Stern, this whole Tim Donaghy fiasco is back at the forefront, and at what some may say is the worst possible time for the NBA. After what has been such a positive season for the league, what do you have to say in regards to the allegations that two past playoff series, including the ’02 Conference Finals between the Lakers and Kings, were fixed for ratings purposes?

Stern: Frankly, these egregious accusations have no base, so I am not worried. The NBA is in a great place and we refuse to let one bad apple spoil everything. Mr. Donaghy has proven himself to be unethical and is clearly just looking to have his impending sentence reduced.
I mean sure ’02 worked out for us. Yes, it was better for TV ratings to have the dynamic duo of Shaq and Kobe in the NBA Finals rather than having Vlade Divac and Hedo Turkoglu out there fugly-ing up the court. But that doesn’t mean we altered any results intentionally. That atrocious 4th quarter in game 6 was a result of horrendously poor officiating, not some supposed “fix”, thank you very much.

Cincinnati Reds Right Fielder, Ken Griffey Jr.

Errant Balls: On Monday night you joined the very exclusive 600 home run club, becoming only the sixth player in Major League history to reach that mark. After enduring a career that has been robbed of much of its potential due to injury, this milestone has to mean a lot. Now we are hearing the news out of Florida that the fan that caught this record ball isn’t sure whether he is willing to give it back to you, or if he wants to sell it. How does this make you feel?

Griffey: To be honest it’s really tough. I mean I see where the guy is coming from. Not everyone is as blessed as us athlete’s are, so it would be unfair for me to forget that this guy isn’t pulling in millions of dollars every year while I demand he give me a piece of memorabilia that I feel is “due” to me.
At the same time though, I have dealt with a lot and I would love to have that ball displayed proudly on my mantle. When I came into this league it was a foregone conclusion that the all-time home run record would one day be mine. But constant issues with injury have taken that chance away from me, and this could very well be the last home run milestone I reach. Who knows, I could get hurt tomorrow and have my career be over. I’m not as durable as I once was you know.
Oh… damn… that answer was way too long winded. Ouch… yeah, I’m pretty sure I just cracked a rib.

Professional Jockey and Rider of Big Brown, Kent Desormeaux

Errant Balls: Big Brown was a horse many thought to be the most likely to take the Triple Crown in quite some time. After dominating the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness, Big Brown was a veritable no show in the Belmont Stakes, finishing dead last. Now some of the blame is being pushed your way. How do you explain the horse’s uncharacteristically poor showing?

Desormeaux: It’s never easy to explain something like this, because it’s impossible to say what the animal was thinking and feeling at the time. Any explanation that any of us give will likely be scrutinized because there is no right answer, it is all speculation.

However, I honestly think the horse held back on purpose, to spite his owners for the lackluster moniker they gave him. I have always felt that the horse resented having such an uncreative name. Race horses are normally given striking names like Casino Drive or Barbaro. The past 3 Triple Crown winners were Secretariat, Affirmed, and Seattle Slew… does "Big Brown" really fit in there? I mean what did they do just look at him and be like “yeah, Big Brown seems about right”? Wasn’t that the name of the bodyguard on MTV’s Rob & Big? We can’t be sure if this is the real reason, but I sure as hell would’ve resented my parents had they been as lazy and just named me Tiny Man.

Storylines sure to drop

2008-06-03T21:47:00.006-04:00

It is as consistent as the moon and the tides, as reliable as the rising sun, as imminent as an athlete’s ill-advised rap album. It is the uber-coverage of the NBA Finals. You can always count on the good folks at ABC to overexpose and overanalyze the same stories they have already been shoving down your throat for the entirety of the seemingly endless postseason, and I promise it will be no different this year. So consider this article a bit of preparation, as the anesthetizing salt before the throat churning tequila. These are the “stories” you should be primed to hear over and over until every ounce of your being that loves watching basketball is stamped out and dead. Oh… and enjoy the finals!

Kobe Bryant: What a difference a season makes!

Did you know that at the beginning of this very same season Kobe Bryant wanted out of L.A.? Shocking isn’t it?

In an impending train wreck that started with one of the most hilariously abrasive cases of teammate bashing ever caught on tape, it looked likely the Lakers franchise was primed to suffer a rebuilding process when Kobe demanded a preseason trade. Only a few years after pushing to get Shaq out of town and make the Lakers his team, Bryant decided the organization had done far too little in giving him the help he needed to get his team back to elite status. He cried “get me out of L.A.” and his home crowd cried “boo” on opening day.

A few short months, the breakout of a once disparaged young center and a trade for a 7-footer later, and all is well in Laker land. Kobe is the MVP, and as far as the goldfish-like attention span of the L.A. faithful is concerned, Everybody Loves Mamba. He’s gone from insisting a change was needed to cheerfully suiting up in the gold and purple night in and night out. And his internet video popularity has shifted from irate ranting to jumping cars and pools of snakes (I hope my wire-fighting team is reeeaaady!). It’s a Hollywood miracle!

Kevin Garnett: What a competitor!

Did you know that first time finalist Kevin Garnett has an undying, inexorable, unquenchable, unfathomably relentless, burning desire to win?

In his first season out of the basketball exile that is Minnesota the basketball watching public has been absolutely inundated with everything Kevin Garnett. Sportscenter has supplied us with endless highlights of KG wide-eyed and pounding his chest while yelling and cursing like a trucker with Tourette’s syndrome. Gatorade has given us commercials that imply the Big Ticket has already led the Celtics to the winner’s circle. And the recent playoff coverage gave us the intimate two-part interview between Garnett and 11-time NBA champion Bill Russell… on winning.

Is it me, or has everyone forgotten that Kevin Garnett has never won anything? KG’s career has been a Barkley-esque perpetual series of disappointments (on the hardwood, not the Craps table). Granted, the best he ever had as a second option was La-Choke Sprewell, but that doesn’t change that he’s simply never come out on top, burning desire or not.

And isn’t there another Celtic that was labeled a franchise player whose career could be validated by a championship? I think he may have even been in Boston for more than one season… I want to say Paul something… eh, I forget. Google it.

Phil Jackson: The Zen Master!

Did you know that thanks to his laid back attitude and his genius-like understanding of basketball Phil Jackson has managed to somehow continue his winning ways?

Yes, that’s right kids; it’s another edition of “why Phil Jackson is the greatest coaching mind of our generation,” hosted by everyone with a damn microphone. Can someone please tell me how it goes almost entirely ignored that Phil Jackson has also had the most dominant player in the entire league on his team for the better part of 20 years?

Zen Master my ass… Phil clearly sold his soul to basketball Satan. In Chicago he gets Michael Jordan, without question the most singularly unstoppable scorer in league history, for a six-championship run. Once that’s over he casually strolls into L.A. and is handed Shaquille O’Neal, quite possible the most unstoppable force in league history, at the peak of his career along with a young player whose skill set strangely resembles that of His Airness, in Kobe Bryant. And this year, oh... we'll give you Pau Gasol for your best pig and a bushel of potatoes. How could you possibly not win with players like that throughout the years? So riddle me this, fans: basketball genius? Or unbelievable case of lucky, hapless son of a bitch? Something tells me that those teams would have done okay whether Phil was manning the clipboard or not.

Coaches or no coaches, with squads this talented it is unlikely the sideline match up will even matter much in these finals either. Then again, Jackson is facing off against Doc Rivers. And let’s be honest, you could replace him with Rock N’ Jock vet Bill Bellamy and the Celts wouldn’t suffer any.

Damn, I’ve got to get the ball rolling on my head coaching career…

Solving some Major League problems

2008-05-27T23:56:00.011-04:00

With Memorial Day marking the proverbial end of the first third of the 2008 baseball season, I think it’s time to solve some of the problems we have seen in the Majors so far this year.

Amidst swirling rumors of his dismissal, embattled New York Mets manager Willie Randolph is questioning whether racism is playing a role. Randolph made comments in an interview with the Bergen Record suggesting that race may be fueling the animosity and also took issue with the Mets local TV station’s portrayal of him.
Solution: A good first step would be for SNY network to eliminate it’s popular, but slightly disconcerting, post-game “Willie’s DYNO-MITE hits of the game” segment.

At 31-21 the youthful Tampa Bay Rays are the surprise of the year with their lead in the always tough American League East. However, even despite their sudden success the Rays still can’t seem to draw a crowd, pulling in only 12,143 fans on Memorial Day.
Solution: Have a promotional “Swim with the Rays” fan day. And no I don’t mean let fans swim in the centerfield Rays tank. This Tampa Bay Squad is loaded with wealthy, virile young men. This promotion could double their female intake and even add a few valuable new male fans.

After last year’s refreshing success, the Cleveland Indians seem to be falling a bit short of their potential. In spite of having a solid 1-9 lineup, the Indians are tied for dead last in the league in team batting average at .233.
Solution: Invite Dennis Haysbert into the locker room for a motivational live chicken sacrifice.

When they signed outfielder Andruw Jones to an extremely generous off-season contract, the Dodgers hoped he might be the added production necessary for them to make a push in the National League. Now, only two months in, Jones is on the DL for 4-6 weeks after a knee operation.
Solution: Replace him in the lineup with a different batboy each night of the week. By platooning several of them, the Dodgers should be able to fill the gaping hole left by the absence of Jones’ stellar .165 batting average.

Late in May, the always dominant New York Yankees find themselves in unfamiliar territory at the bottom of the AL East. Among other struggles, the powerful Yankee lineup has struggled mightily batting with runners in scoring position.
Solution: Follow the Hank Steinbrenner mentality and transition Joba Chamberlain into the role of DH as well. Anyone who wouldn’t give this kid a shot at the dish is an idiot!

In a remarkably continuing comeback story, former drug addict Josh Hamilton is following his breakout season last year by cementing himself among the league leaders in home runs, RBI’s and batting average. However, due to his unseemly past Hamilton has become the victim of some vicious ridicule from opposing fans.
Solution: Rather than expelling these hecklers from the game, have a security guard take down their seat number and name. Then, during the 7^th inning stretch have the PA announcer come over the loudspeaker and personally remind them of the fact that the “freaking crack head” they keep referring to is out earning them by several hundreds of thousands of dollars per year.

After a recent string of inexcusably missed calls, many fans and media outlets are calling for the implementation of instant replay in baseball. Thanks to 5 home runs that were taken away due to miscues within one week, it is hard to think of another viable option.
Solution: Outfit foul poles and all surfaces beyond the fence that may knock a ball back into play with those exploding dye-packs banks use to protect their money. Sure, a few fans may leave the game looking a bit more like a member of the Blue Man Group than when they arrived, but at least the game will be called correctly.

Eastern Conference redux

2008-05-20T22:30:00.011-04:00

The 2008 NBA Eastern Conference Finals are bringing back an old school match up; the Boston Celtics vs. the Detroit Pistons.

Two teams that have given us so many hard fought series in the past are once again fighting for a chance at the championship, and this one is likely to be another classic. These two squads have been tight at 1 and 2 in the Eastern Conference for the entire season, so let’s see how they match up nose to nose.

Point Guard- Rajon Rondo vs. Chauncey Billups
No one is really sure how to pronounce one’s name (Rah-jon? Ray-jon? Ron-jon?) and the other’s nickname is Mr.Bigshot; That about sums it up.

Rondo has showed a bit of promise for a young point man, but he didn’t inspire enough confidence from the organization for them to pass on adding backup guard Sam Cassell. Yes, Sam Cassell still plays ball at a ripe 76 years young. Rondo quickness and scoring ability has been essential in Celtic wins, but he tends to lose his composure late in tight games.

Billups has been the centerpiece that led this team to the conference finals 6 years in a row. If he can go at 100% after the injury he suffered against Orlando, he will likely be the most important player in this series. A confident Billups is near-impossible to hold down, and the Celts don’t have the personnel to match up with him. He will capitalize on Rondo’s inconsistencies and give Detroit the clear one up here.

Advantage: Pistons

Shooting Guard- Ray Allen vs. Richard Hamilton
In a battle of the big screen against the big stage, the matchup between Jesus Shuttlesworth and the Phantom of the Opera will be key.

After being held completely in check by a mediocre Cavs squad, Ray Allen will need to regain his confidence and his jumpshot against the much more defensively sound Pistons in order to be a factor.

The always reliable Rip Hamilton seems to show up whenever his team absolutely needs him, and when he does he can completely take the game over. If he can produce while also keeping Allen’s presence on the stat sheet at a minimum, this match up could swing the series.

Advantage: Pistons

Small Forward- Paul Pierce vs. Tayshaun Prince
The Truth gave us a showdown for the ages in a huge game against King James, but can he keep it up? If Pierce is anywhere as poised as he was in game 7, he can win games by himself. However, he has been known to occasionally disappear on offense when faced with a tough defensive task, and Prince is just that.

Tayshaun Prince may be the league’s most underrated player, and he will be a true test for Pierce. Prince can be a deadly spot up shooter, and despite his slightly lanky build (weighing in at 12 lbs 9 oz) he can take it to the rack and D up with the best of them. He is by far the most likely candidate to be the dark horse of this series

In the end though, the Truth came out on top over LeBron, so you’ve got to give him the slight benefit of the doubt here.

Advantage: Celtics

Power Forward- Kevin Garnett vs. Rasheed Wallace
K.G. vs. Sheed will, if nothing else, be the most fired up match up of the series. As the emotional barometers of their respective teams, this will likely be the most decisive one-on-one battle of the series.

Garnett has looked fierce with the ball thus far, getting unusually amped with each point he scores (has anyone else noticed after even the most conventional jumper this guy seems to run back up-court screaming profanities?). Well, at least until crunch time. K.G. has seemed to shy away from the big shots in the playoffs, but he’ll need to sack up in crunch time if he wants any chance to make the finals.

Rasheed is always at full throttle (I can just picture him laying down to bed with his wife at night, “I LOVE YOU!! YOU’RE MY WORLD, SWEET DREAMS!!!”), and his team follows suit. When he is using his emotions productively the Pistons are tough to beat. If he can keep the incessant whining to a minimum and focus on playing the post rather than drifting out to the arc for jumpers, Sheed can win Detroit this series.

Advantage: Even

Center- Kendrick Perkins vs. Antonio McDyess
Plain and simple, this is a match of role players. Both have greatly helped in their team’s success, but you wouldn’t notice much if either was missing. Their teams however, may feel differently.

Perkins can be a monster on the boards, so he needs to stay tough on the glass and help clog up the key when the Pistons slashers come through the lane. If he can help keep the Pistons’ points of layups down, he could be huge.

McDyess isn’t the same explosive player he once was, but he can still contribute. His versatility should allow him to lure Perkins away from the hoop and free up inside shots for teammates. He also gives the Pistons another solid spot up option on late game kickouts.

Advantage: Even

Bench
Boston brings solid backups off the bench in Leon Powe, Eddie House, and Sam Cassell. The only problem is, it always seems to interrupt the flow of their offense. Outside of their starting 5, Doc Rivers hasn’t been able to find a combination that flows together.

The Pistons bench is full of athleticism in players like Rodney Stuckey, Arron Afflalo and Jason Maxiell. They all have the ability to score, but more importantly their high energy level can wear opponents down while the starters get their rest.

Advantage: Pistons

Prediction- Detroit Pistons in 6
While the Celtics have shown brilliance at times, they haven’t lived up to the preseason expectations of being unstoppable. They inexplicably falter at times to far less talented squads, and have yet to win a game on the road this post season.

It comes down to consistency, and for years the Pistons have been the model of such. Each season they show the ability to hang with any team in the league on any given night. Their wide array of scorers also allows them to remain in any type of game. Bottom line is they can win in so many different ways, it’s hard to imagine they won’t against the unpredictable Celts.

The playoffs are buzzing...

2008-05-07T11:23:00.015-04:00

The NBA Playoffs have, in some ways, been very similar to years past. The Spurs stole away the Suns hopes of glory with methodical, albeit boring, execution. Tracy McGrady and the Rockets were once again ousted in the first round (will someone please tell this guy to stop walking under ladders while spilling salt and kicking black cats). The Pistons steady D led them through a surprisingly tough series. But this year, the playoffs also have something they have lacked in recent years; the buzz of an exciting, young, and effective team. It’s the buzz of a team that plays the game unselfishly, and goes all out on every play. It’s the buzz of a team that is high-flying and entertaining, but also has the capacity to actually make a championship run. It’s the buzz of the Hornets.

For any diehard fan of the teal and purple (and my heart goes out to you if you’re out there) seeing their team finally climbing out of NBA anonymity seems like a miracle. The Hornets have been an afterthought since the days of ‘Zo and LJ, back when all it took to market a shoe was to have an ogre-sized man dress like an old woman and throw down vicious dunks. But this new Hornets team is once again relevant, and they are dangerous to boot.

Tyson Chandler has gone from consistent non-factor to soaring alley-oop dunker. Peja Stojakovic and Mo Peterson will absolutely bury you if left open beyond the arc. David West’s potential seems unending with each 30 point game he pours in. And their floor general, Chris Paul, is like some kind of freak hybrid of point guards past that can kill you on any given night in whichever way he deems most efficient.

This New Orleans squad is the one team that I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of this post season. They are the refreshing alternative to everything that has pushed the NBA following into disinterest in recent years. Their frenetic, yet fluid style of play is not unlike the Phoenix Suns teams that have been so enjoyable these last few years. The only difference being, it seems these guys may actually have a shot to win it all. The Suns were fast and fun but they continually ran into the issue of the humdrum, “we’re so talented it looks like we’re not even trying” teams that figured out a way to shut them down. But similar teams have had no such luck with New Orleans.

After running through a regular season which saw them lock up the 2nd overall seed in the ultra-talented Western Conference, the Hornets still had many doubters. Despite beating the Spurs by more than 20 twice, and handily defeating the East’s best squad from Beantown on more than one occasion, no one seemed to be talking about the Hornets as contenders. But the Hornets have youth. They have athleticism. They have speed. They have shooters. They have confidence. So what were they missing? What was it that made so many sure they’d trip over Dallas in the first round? They lack experience. They haven’t been there. The only problem for their opponents… the Hornets don’t seem to care.

Now in the postseason, when the youth and inexperience of this team was supposed to suffocate them, they have impressed more and more with each passing game. Save for one loss, the Hornets swatted aside a geriatric Mavericks team in round 1. Now in round 2, and facing the defending champion San Antonio Spurs, the Hornets look as explosive as ever. After stomping the Spurs in games 1 and 2 even the most steadfast nonbeliever has got to be wondering if these guys might just be the real deal. The Hornets have been absolutely on fire, and no one seems to know how to douse the flame (even their mascot has caused unruly combustion).

Sure it’s only round 2, and things aren’t even close to over. But the New Orleans Hornets have shown they have the potential for something great. They have proven they will not go down quietly. They are refusing to live up to the label of the electrifying, but ultimately inconsequential team that so many had stuck them with. The Hornets are fun, but they are poised. They are feverish, but they are organized. They are young, but they are fearless. And they have made one thing very clear, the rest of the supposed contenders had better watch themselves, because the Hornets are buzzing.